Dating at Work Disaster

May 10

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Don't let that bother you. If she does that, whatever her motivation, it's her life. Whatever problems result will have absolutely nothing to do with you.

I don't want it to bother me but to be honest it will sting.

May 10

Do you like this girl, despite the age gap?

you do seem quite *bothered* and *invested*…

May 10

22 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Do you like this girl, despite the age gap?

you do seem quite *bothered* and *invested*…

I do. I’m stuck on how she was before her crazy text message and the idea I met someone to go riding with. There’s also the constant reminder seeing her at work which what keeps this going. If I met her off an app or at a bar I would have forgotten about her.

May 10

5 minutes ago, zetamega said:

I do. I’m stuck on how she was before her crazy text message and the idea I met someone to go riding with. There’s also the constant reminder seeing her at work which what keeps this going. If I met her off an app or at a bar I would have forgotten about her.

So you’re quite *smitten* so to speak?

hmmmmm this makes it all harder.

May 10

14 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

So you’re quite *smitten* so to speak?

hmmmmm this makes it all harder.

I am. Some might laugh but I think she could be too. With all that has happened it’s tough to think she’ll go hook up with another coworker. I also worry about others playing games on both of us to make sure nothing happens between us.

May 11

On 5/10/2025 at 10:16 AM, zetamega said:

I appreciate the feedback. It's an interesting take.

It's based on experience of how women act with guys they are not interested in. There is nothing that came across as interest in your post. Just the hearsay of other people.

I can tell you I found out that she was bugging one of the coworkers about me and she didn't have the courage to talk to me so he brought her over and tried to get me to ask her out. I didn't do anything. I let it go. Then she asked another coworker to find out if I was seeing anyone.

Unless you heard this from here directly, I'd take it with a grain of salt. I'm suspicious about their motives.

No one saw her biking around. She actually went out and got a used bike after I made the bike comment to my coworker.

You saw her with a bike. That's what I'm referring to. I don't think it's enough to read anything into it.

As for the phone number, it was a simple if you want to go riding sometime, you can hit me up. I kept this whole thing as neutral as possible.

She hasn't responded positively to any of your messages though. Those are the facts that you need to pay attention to. What she has expressed to you directly is a lack of interest.

If she finds it easy enough to get a boyfriend or date this other coworker, why would she need help getting other people to help matchmake the two of you? She wouldn't need any help making this happen for herself. They are the actions of two different types of women. I don't buy what you were told by this third party.

I'm saying this in hopes that if you can look at things a different way, you won't see every little thing she does as directed at you, and maybe it will get a bit easier for you to move on and feel happy at work again.

If you prefer the narrative that she is just playing games. That's your call. Just know that it will take longer to get over it.

May 11

4 hours ago, zetamega said:

If I met her off an app or at a bar I would have forgotten about her.

And all of this is why dating at work is not recommended. It actually would have been worse if you'd started dating for a month and you were getting attached and she ended it

May 11

I would just stay away from her. Far from her. Inconsistent behavior, then yells at you out of the blue attacking your comfort level. She sounds like trouble.

May 11

9 hours ago, zetamega said:

I disagree. Too much has gone on for this not to have to do with me. It could be a test to see how I will react.

Yes, I know you disagree. think you want this to be true, because it would mean (in your mind) that she really likes you and it supports the notion you have created that she is still trying to get your attention. I think you are also trying to find a way to make such a perceived rrejection (her hooking up with another guy) hurt you less because you can't quite swallow that she might be genuinely into someone else. So, you've preemptively decided that if she does this, it must be because of you in some way.

It doesn't mean you are right, though. Your lens is obviously not very objective, and keep in mind, and you are quite hung up on her. You are naturally going to see her behaviour as connected to you. Your pereception is your reality, of course, but you would be wise not to forget that you don't actually know what she is thinking or feeling. You have not spoken about any of this directly to her (nor should you, at this point), so you don't have all the information. Try not to project so much

I would focus instead on why you got so hung up on some texting and conversations. It doesn't sound as though you two ever even went on a date, yet you emotionally invested quite a lot here. Why do you suppose that is, especially at your age? Have you been rather lonlely in love lately? Dig deeper to understand why you got overly-attached to someone you didn't actually date. That's part of your problem, and it's preventing you from letting this go.

May 11

14 hours ago, zetamega said:

Attraction is attraction. Look at celebrities as an example. Leonardo DiCaprio is 50 and won't date women above 25 years old. Cher is 78 and is dating a 38 year old man.

Do you truly think Leo's 25-year-olds are with him because of his stunning good looks? That ship sailed a while ago. Don't compare real life to rich and famous celebrties, whose partners could be motivated by a lot more than attraction - if they're motivated by genuine attraction at all.

I am someone who is in age gap relationship myself, but I can tell you there is little chance my partner and I would have made it if we'd met at your respective ages. No way would I have been mature enough for that at 22, and this woman has shown you several times that maturty is not her forte. Most 22-year-old women are not going to be looking for something serious by a man who is that much older. That's not a dig at you or her, either. It's just reality.

May 11

11 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

If she finds it easy enough to get a boyfriend or date this other coworker, why would she need help getting other people to help matchmake the two of you? She wouldn't need any help making this happen for herself. They are the actions of two different types of women. I don't buy what you were told by this third party.

I'm saying this in hopes that if you can look at things a different way, you won't see every little thing she does as directed at you, and maybe it will get a bit easier for you to move on and feel happy at work again.

If you prefer the narrative that she is just playing games. That's your call. Just know that it will take longer to get over it.

I really appreciate the effort you put into your response. In a funny way your response reads like you’re her girlfriend trying to convince me it’s all in my head. I mean that with no disrespect.

You mentioned hearsay. There was no hearsay. She and a coworker approached me. The coworker tried to get me to ask her out as she was standing right in front of me. I found out later it was her who asked the coworker to do it. That’s a fact. I balked because I didn’t expect to be put on the spot like that.

I was relatively new at this job when this happened. I didn’t really know her. The coworker I heard rumors of hooking up, they’ve been friends before I started working at this job. The younger ones follow each other on social media. I do not follow any of them.

Edited May 11 by zetamega

May 11

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would focus instead on why you got so hung up on some texting and conversations. It doesn't sound as though you two ever even went on a date, yet you emotionally invested quite a lot here. Why do you suppose that is, especially at your age? Have you been rather lonlely in love lately? Dig deeper to understand why you got overly-attached to someone you didn't actually date. That's part of your problem, and it's preventing you from letting this go.

If you read another response I posted, I said that if I met her on an app or at a bar, I would have forgotten about it.

This is at work. I see her daily. It’s a constant reminder. I did not seek this woman out. This fell into my lap and over a course of months of her flirting with me and other coworkers trying to pair us up, I decided to take a step forward with an offer of riding our bikes together. Nothing romantic. Just an activity for us to hang out together.

Since then I’ve gotten grief. I’ve kept my mouth shut and the more silent I am, the more this continues to go on.

I’ve admitted already I made the mistake of not saying upfront I do not date people at work. If I did that, I wouldn’t be writing this post.

May 11

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

And all of this is why dating at work is not recommended. It actually would have been worse if you'd started dating for a month and you were getting attached and she ended it

Yup. I hear you. Hard lesson learned here.

May 11

10 hours ago, Interstellar said:

I would just stay away from her. Far from her. Inconsistent behavior, then yells at you out of the blue attacking your comfort level. She sounds like trouble.

That’s what I’ve been trying to do but she’s been orbiting to get my attention.

Other people bring her up in conversation with me.

I’ve not said a single word to her since our last messages. I’ve made it clear to her and other coworkers that I just want to keep the workplace drama free and move on from this.

Trouble indeed.

May 11

3 hours ago, zetamega said:

This is at work. I see her daily. It’s a constant reminder. I did not seek this woman out.

Yes, I know. I have read you entire thread.

It still doesn't explain why you set your expectations so high on this. It wasn't wrong to ask her out, but it seems you really got attached to the idea of her without having spent any one-on-one time with her. I get that it was disappointing and got awkward after and she did a bizarre about-face. I get that it's not fun to see her every day.

Instead of focusing on some random texting before, focus on the fact that she quickly flipped and is best avoided. Let some other guy deal with her shenanigans and thank your lucky stars you didn't get further involved in the drama.

May 11

6 hours ago, zetamega said:

That’s what I’ve been trying to do but she’s been orbiting to get my attention.

Other people bring her up in conversation with me.

I’ve not said a single word to her since our last messages. I’ve made it clear to her and other coworkers that I just want to keep the workplace drama free and move on from this.

Trouble indeed.

Secretly though you hope it happens

Even though you know she’s trouble.

just as long as you’re chilled and remember she’s 22 .. so no expectations … ohh and you remember she’s unpredictable.

May 11

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I know. I have read you entire thread.

It still doesn't explain why you set your expectations so high on this. It wasn't wrong to ask her out, but it seems you really got attached to the idea of her without having spent any one-on-one time with her. I get that it was disappointing and got awkward after and she did a bizarre about-face. I get that it's not fun to see her every day.

Instead of focusing on some random texting before, focus on the fact that she quickly flipped and is best avoided. Let some other guy deal with her shenanigans and thank your lucky stars you didn't get further involved in the drama.

I don't think I set expectations high. It was more of WTF is happening. It went from this could be good to get me out of here.

Edited May 11 by zetamega

May 11

1 hour ago, Georgia46 said:

Secretly though you hope it happens

Even though you know she’s trouble.

just as long as you’re chilled and remember she’s 22 .. so no expectations … ohh and you remember she’s unpredictable.

Well, as a red-blooded male I wouldn't mind a roll in the hay

I don't think I would jump on the chance to hook up if it could happen. My job is more important.

May 12

On 5/10/2025 at 12:49 PM, zetamega said:

One thing that is bothering me is if she hooks up with another coworker. Not because she likes him but to do it out of spite to get a reaction out of me. It seems from this last month she's doing what she can to get a reaction out of me.

Okay, so now you're the one going overboard with your spin. If your goal is to get out of this disturbed woman's spotlight without a risk to your job, then the best thing that could happen for you would be a transfer of her focus to someone else.

Let her move on to new horizons, whether that's a new job or just another co-worker. Keep your focus on your own paper, and don't get derailed by some kid.

May 12

8 hours ago, zetamega said:

I don't think I set expectations high.

The reason I beg to differ is because of you what you yourself wrote here:

On 5/11/2025 at 12:22 AM, zetamega said:

I’m stuck on how she was before her crazy text message and the idea I met someone to go riding with.

I would explore why you are so stuck on this. It was a bit of texing and a woman who maybe rides a bike sometimes. Had you been a bit lonely in love prior to this? What was your dating life like up until that point?

May 12

2 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Okay, so now you're the one going overboard with your spin. If your goal is to get out of this disturbed woman's spotlight without a risk to your job, then the best thing that could happen for you would be a transfer of her focus to someone else.

Let her move on to new horizons, whether that's a new job or just another co-worker. Keep your focus on your own paper, and don't get derailed by some kid.

Exactly.

May 12

On 5/11/2025 at 12:33 AM, zetamega said:

I don't want it to bother me but to be honest it will sting.

Perhaps you need to sign up on a few dating apps/sites and start actively dating. Redirecting your attention to saner, more productive situations may make it easier for you to truly stop caring about the strange dynamic at work.

May 12

Ok now this thread is starting to make me scratch my head a little bit. We got a person who is a little uncomfortable with a coworker and doesn't really want to have much to do with her. Fine. Completely understandable. However they are continuing to go on and on about it. That makes me think that the OP is actually kind of enjoying the drama. Either within this thread or within the real life experience.

May 12

On 5/10/2025 at 3:33 AM, zetamega said:

I just don't get all the signals, flirting for months, exchange numbers, then she does a 180.

There was no 180. Your opening post was about a woman who was clearly not into you. I don't know why the guys at work were messing with you, but they were. Her behaviour after she withdrew her resignation was not signals, but more likely the behaviour of an immature young woman. And I agree with the poster who suggested that she did it because you were 'safe'. You're so much older that anything romantic actually happening would not have occurred to her.

When my daughter was her age, she considered men over the age of 27 to be ancient.

May 12

On 5/10/2025 at 5:22 PM, zetamega said:

There’s also the constant reminder seeing her at work

This is why it’s not advised to date someone that you work with -

Honestly, the behavior of this woman and the coworkers would make almost anyone decide to put some distance between them - particularly because it’s a workplace. The fact that you haven’t really done that is concerning…

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