Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 CaliGuy, Sometimes I find myself slipping back into that not letting go mode. I cannot beloieve that despite what I know is a negative action for me to do, I recently felt the urge to want to contact him. It's an engrained impulse it feels like. On the surfacr I know I won't, but the want of doing keeps slipping right back. I read your poat and also was wonderingwhen di dyour breakup occur and perhaps I also wondering is it because I may not have someone in my life, dating persay, does it make me want to go back to contacting the X. That seems trying to find a cure and then getting hooked on the cure. I'm not saying that's your case but I needed a pep talk I suppose. I simply can't break NC, but I feeling a weak moment here. No, you can't break NC. Certainly you want to because there is a hole in your life and in your heart. You are craving intimacy and validation and being wanted. But you don't need it from HIM. I had an extremely bad moment earlier today. Had to leave work, go to my hotel room and cried in the fetal position. I called a friend. Realized that I have a life to live. Read a chapter in "Codependent No More." Then came back and read CaliGuy's post. There's some good stuff here. DO NOT break NC. He won't respect you.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 i will listen to all those things to, and try to be deteremind- but its like when i here a good song- or sad songs- or even a happy song it hits me all over again like ughh I stopped listening to music. I just don't want bands or songs I like to be associated with these feelings I'm having. Fortunately for me (probably the only thing) is that she and I had different musical tastes. But I got a tinge of pain when someone mentioned the band that's her favorite a couple of nights ago. Ugh. I also stopped watching TV. When I'm done with work, I go back to my room, take a melatonin and read a coping book or talk to a friend on the phone. I will not call her. There's nothing she could say that I want to hear. Or will believe, because she's such a liar. Do I miss talking to her? Yes. She's witty and intelligent. She also is completely self-absorbed and has no respect for men. I will not give her the satisfaction - or pleasure - of hearing my voice ever again. It is mine and she doesn't deserve it.
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Thanks fooled, It's a weird sensation or feeling that overcomes me. In mybrain I know breaking NC, would be taking a huge step back. But there a little voice that says "Oh go on do it. Call him, write him..maybe he'll be happy to hear from you.." What is that all about. I mean this guy was cruel, I know it. I saw him do it to others...but there's apart of me that can't accept that he'll still be that way. You are right it's my craving intimacy.Intimacy. To be honest I am soooo missing that. Humans aren't meant to be in this much lack of intimacy. Otherwise it wouldn't be programmed into us for wanting it. When I get like this I feel annoyed with myself for being needy.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 In Sync, but is he really capable of intimacy? My guess is no. So you're craving something he can't give you. Crave it - that's fine - that's natural and human - but why would you go to a gas station when you want to buy a diamond?
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 fooled.....you are right. You set my head straight.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Excellent - now to listen to my own advice.
meltwithme Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 When my gf broke up with me and I came home, I wanted to get my mind off with a movie so I went and saw Jarhead. I had to leave halfway through because all the marines were talking about the GF's who had broken up with them and their stories. Anways, just try and talk with friends and family, also post here lots. AHH wow I did the same thing in seeing that movie(Jarhead)... I sat through it but it was awfull. But yeah man, your gonna have a really hard time, just try to find another, women come and go...
Author fooled Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 It's starting all over. I've been out of town the past 8 days - so NC was easier. Now I'm home. And she's around the corner. I have an overwhelming desire to see her. Don't know why. It would do NOTHING. Except she would lose what little respect she may have for me. It's really hard when your physical proximity is sooo close.
CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's starting all over. I've been out of town the past 8 days - so NC was easier. Now I'm home. And she's around the corner. I have an overwhelming desire to see her. Don't know why. It would do NOTHING. Except she would lose what little respect she may have for me. It's really hard when your physical proximity is sooo close. Could be worse. You could find out your ex moved in with a guy she's barely known for 6 weeks.
Author fooled Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Could be worse. You could find out your ex moved in with a guy she's barely known for 6 weeks. Dude - my ex is having an affair with 5 different guys as of last week - could be more now. I know that this isn't a pissing contest for pity - I think we've both been abused pretty badly.
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Dude - my ex is having an affair with 5 different guys as of last week - could be more now. I know that this isn't a pissing contest for pity - I think we've both been abused pretty badly. Yeah. I know man. We just need to forget them and move on. There will be others. There always is.
Author fooled Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 CaliGuy - How did you forgive her? I mean - what was the process? what did you say to yourself? Did you talk to anyone that helped you?
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 CaliGuy - How did you forgive her? I mean - what was the process? what did you say to yourself? You say to yourself it's over and you believe it. You have to let go or you will never heal. As long as continue to be bitter about yesterday you will never have a tomorrow. Did you talk to anyone that helped you? Prayer changes everything. Yes, I talked to a lot of people but none had given me the advice I needed. I needed to forgive and let go. Until I did that I was miserable. That's what helped me through the meeting yesterday was knowing I am fine without her, but also that what happened in the past is simply history and someone better will come along. But they will never come if I am bitter about the past. You can not heal when your heart is stuck on things you can not change.
Author fooled Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Tough day. I broke up with HER - so why am I feeling rejected? Oh yeah - all the other men and the fact that our "relationship" and all the love I gave her were meaningless. One of my best friends and business partner (the one who first recommended NC) told me today that if I ever got back together with her - then he would never speak to me again or work with me again. I want to be happy again. I don't remember what it was like to be happy. I mean truly happy. I will talk about this in my first therapy session tomorrow. CaliGuy - I so very much want to let go. I don't know how to forgive her for doing this to me. I don't know how to believe it.
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Tough day. I broke up with HER - so why am I feeling rejected? Oh yeah - all the other men and the fact that our "relationship" and all the love I gave her were meaningless. One of my best friends and business partner (the one who first recommended NC) told me today that if I ever got back together with her - then he would never speak to me again or work with me again. My business partner said the same thing. "Dude, you are a FOOL if you allow her back into your life. Don't talk to her anymore. Write her off and find someone who shares the values you do." I wish I had listened to him the first time. I want to be happy again. I don't remember what it was like to be happy. I mean truly happy. I tought I was happy with her but the fact is, I wasn't! I was always wondering why I wasn't good enough for her and why she wasn't returning my love. Now that I look back I am happiner now than I was when I was with her. So, that keeps me going knowing that happiness isn't found in being with someone else, it's found within. I will talk about this in my first therapy session tomorrow. You'll be fine man, no worries! CaliGuy - I so very much want to let go. I don't know how to forgive her for doing this to me. I don't know how to believe it. Well, you have to accept that it's over for one. You have to start seeing her for the cruel person she was. You have to say to yourself "I deserve to be treated better than that!" What's done is done, there's nothing you can do to change the past or her. You have to put the focus on you and your needs and not let anger or resentment control you future. Let go of the anger because I guarantee you it will run your life until you do. Take control back. Going to counseling is the first step. You'll be fine bro, I promise you. One day at a time. And one day you will meet a great woman and wonder what you ever saw in the ex.
Author fooled Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Another thing: How do I know when I have sufficiently grieved. I wonder if I am just obsessing now - prolonging the acceptance?
CaliGuy Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Another thing: How do I know when I have sufficiently grieved. I wonder if I am just obsessing now - prolonging the acceptance? There's no set time limit. The rule of thumb is usually 1-2 months for every year you were together. It takes time. For me, the healing process was speeded up once I decided to let go of the past, forgive and move on. Constant obsessing about your failed relationship does nothing but continue to keep you down and wear you out. You'll start healing faster when you've decided you're tired of feeling bad. That's why getting out with friends, spending time with hobbies, working out and otherwise occupying your time is essential to healing. It takes your mind off your past and forces you to focus on the present. Eventually good thoughts will outweigh the bad ones and the next thing you know, someone BETTER comes along
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