fooled Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I finally cut the line with my ex last weekend, after I confirmed that she was cheating on me and lying about it - probably from Day 1. We were together a year. I had suspected her cheating for several months - and confirmed it by checking her email - a crappy thing but I felt it better that I know for sure rather than continue to be fed lies and be strung along. Not only was she having an affair with her estranged husband, but 4 other men - and that doesn't include the hook-ups that are now clear to me upon retrospect. Most of these men are guys I know - not friends, because my friends wouldn't do that to me - just guys I will see around. And I am obsessing and fixating on it. I need to know how to get her - and the images of her with these men - out of my head! The morning she was going to spend the night with her ex, she asked me about moving in together next month - and even texted me from his house that night "Baby I love you!" I hope this isn't too unclear. My head is really spinning. I thought that we were really in love. Clearly, she is a sociopath, alcoholic, compulsive liar and needs the attention of tons of men to feel validated. I know she doesn't deserve me. She even said so a month ago. But I can't let this go and focus on me, which I know I need to do. Please help.
riobikini Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Love is blind, but not STUPID....take your poor abused, humiliated, and cheated-on heart and run like hell! -Rio
dazed343 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I don't think she wanted to feel Validated by these guys, it sounds like she wanted to be Violated by different guys. It's not going to be easy to get her out of your mind, trust me. I just recently went through a break up and then a rebound breakup. I was seeing someone for about 8 months and it ended in November, plus I had been living with them and even moved out to another province with them so they could be close to their family. In the end I was told to go home. It's hard I know. You have to try and do other things that will make you happy. At first this seemed impossible to me because everything that once brought you happiness or joy seems dull now. I found work help alot, being arounf others. I can't tell you how many times I dragged my buddies out for coffee and vented. Whatever you can do, hobbies, work, going out, you have to do. NC helps, but it WILL hurt. Right now, your mind is going to spin. I was there, but you have just got to try and do things that will take your mind off her, though I know how hard it is. Hang out with friends. That REALLY helps. ALso the more you talk about it, the more you post here, I found really helps. Talk talk and hang out with friends.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Love is blind, but not STUPID....take your poor abused, humiliated, and cheated-on heart and run like hell! -Rio Ouch, Rio! I have run like hell! However, she does live 3 blocks from me and we share the same friends - in that respect, it's like a divorce. I am still shocked at the fact that I was living an unreal relationship for a year. But she was pretty slick. I really believed she was head over heals in love with me! Alcoholics are great manipulators. I do need to stop torturing myself. I suppose it's still pretty fresh and I should expect this - but it's crippling my work.
dazed343 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 it's crippling my work. It will fooled. It's not going to be easy but it slowly gets better with time, although too many people will say that I know. I think the first few weeks for me were the worst. I couldn't do anything really, my mind was spinning at 1000mph. All the things I looked forward too, all my hobbies, movies I wanted to see to take my mind off things, nothing held any light to it anymore. The only thing that really did help was talking about it, on here and with friends. Vent and then vent more. Eventually, you'll find you don't want to talk about it anymore really. Give it a little bit, a week or two and then see if you can do something to take you mind off. When my gf broke up with me and I came home, I wanted to get my mind off with a movie so I went and saw Jarhead. I had to leave halfway through because all the marines were talking about the GF's who had broken up with them and their stories. Anways, just try and talk with friends and family, also post here lots.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Thanks, Dazed! I have talked a lot with friends - who knew her and didn't. This was a total betrayal as she was the one who pursued a committed relationship with me. I know now that she is just sick - that she needs her self-esteem fed by men. Whatever - I don't need to know what her actual problem is, nor do I care. When we were together, she seemed so sincere when planning our future. I miss all the little things we used to do. Walking her dog together, sitting around watching TV. It kills me to think of her doing that with these other men. I know I can do all these things again with a person who is honest and loving. I REALLY need to stop torturing myself - she's not making me feel this way - I am. Maybe I am so torn up because I was deceived so badly. I'm not ashamed to admit it's an ego thing. If I were still talking to her - she would tell me that life's too short to be upset about this. Of course, she's selfish and uncompassionate and is getting laid.
dazed343 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Yeh, I too went through thinking about my ex with other guys but now it doesn't bother me as much if any. I guess I've just accepted the way it is, though it has taken time. Like I said the first few weeks, there really isn't anyway to get around it. The pain and hurt, the betrayal feeling, anger, and missing her will all come on strong. At the beginning I wasn't really angry, I was just in grief that I had lost the person I loved most and wanted to be with. With time that went away and anger came in it's place. I have to say I'm alot better now though, but I still think about my ex alot. I dream about her, and I do really miss her. You kind of have to think like, she's living her life and even though it hurts like hell, you can spend all day being upset but tomorrow she's still going to be living her life with these guys and nothin wil have changed. Well, if that makes sense, it did help me somewhat thinking like that but everyone is different and takes different approaches. knowing there are other guys with her though is probably the hardest feeling to overcome. I know it spins your mind and stops you from living day to day. For a few weeks I couldn't sleep or eat properly. Eventually you just accept things and know that better is around the corner, you just have to keep pushing forward no matter how grey the sky looks. It gets better, trust me.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I hear you, Dazed. The thing is - I can put a name and face to these guys. We all work in the same industry and it's pretty small. I guess I feel helpless - and for me that's pretty paralyzing.
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 just wondering the logistics of this --you were with her for a year, she lives three blocks away and yet she had time to have affairs with 4 other guys in addition to flings? were you just not paying attention or do you work alot? i'm sorry but this is so hard to believe that the alarms weren't ringing.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I'm not making excuses for her - because her behavior was sociopathic, but yes, you have the facts straight. I work a lot and she attended lots of events/parties for her job (an entertainment journalist). There were alarms the last few months - a big part of my growing paranoia. But you're supposed to trust the woman who says that she's in love with you and wants to be with you the rest of her life, aren't you? Two of these affairs began in the last 6 weeks, I know. The flings were sporatic. Until recently, I never suspected she was with someone else because she would text me through the evening - only now my guess is she did when she went to the bathroom. She was clever. Her best girlfriend didn't even know. I am not a complete idiot - this girl was slick, as she's been doing this for probably 10 years with all her men. I was totally deceived. The woman I fell in love with doesn't exist. I fell for the woman she projected - the woman she wanted me to see. But this thread is about coping. Today is a little better - but I have been out of town since I started NC. I go home Monday and I dread it. It will be so hard to pass her apartment - as it's on the way to everywhere I go. The reminders will be everywhere. And even though what we had was, in effect, a fantasy relationship (and not in a good way) - it was very real to me, as I believed every I Love You she said.
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 ok yeah she does sound slick. that really sucks. i know that it really hurts, i've been there, i think we all have. the thing that finally got me over my relationship was stepping back and imagining what a better guy for me would be like. ie the guy i was hooked into did too much sports etc and i realised that to be happy i really needed a guy who could give me some emotional intimacy every day. once i saw that he really wasn't the best guy for me after all, and that the main cause of my hurt was that his rejection made me think i wasn't good enough (it was more my ego that was hurt than losing him per se), he just became wallpaper. i felt much stronger and let go of the hurt. also as far as the social circle goes--it may help to start dating other women, who are outside that circle. if nothing else you save some face and it gets your mind off the situation.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I want to move on. I broke up with her because I wouldn't tolerate being treated the way she was treating me. I want to stop thinking about her. I want to stop thinking about what she's doing. I want to FEEL what I know - that there is someone better for me out there. That I am better without her. She didn't give me what I want or need. I thought she did - but she didn't. One of my best friends - on whose advice I began NC - just told me to "get a grip." He must be tired of me talking about her and the situation. "The party's over - she's a cancer - move on!" he said. And I want to. But the things I like doing - she and I did together. I'm afraid that by doing those things - by going to those places - even places that I frequented before meeting her but where we began to go as a couple - that the association will prevent me from moving on. I made her such a big part of my life. How do I regain my identity when she was so closely tied to it? At least physically? I just got a stab of pain thinking that when we were out together, guys must have known that my being her "boyfriend" was meaningless because of her promiscuity. Ugh. Ego crushing. I can't imagine a woman wanting to date me anytime soon, actually. I must carry the visible pall of devastation and sadness.
dazed343 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Best thing you can do is to better yourself. Then you'll really start feeling good, get confidence, and know that better is there.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I also worry that in my haste and desperation to get her out of my head, I may be accelerating the grieving process unhealthily. But I have an important job this weekend - a live TV show - and I cannot be distracted. I am trying to tell myself over and over - she is leading the life she wants to lead. I should lead the life I want to lead. Then I want to grab her and hold her.
CaliGuy Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Fooled it will take time but if I was in your situation I'd be thanking the good Lord I found out now before the relationship got serious. She's got a problem, that is for sure, and you definitely want to find someone who doesn't have so many issues. I'd get yourself checked out too. I would be extremely angry at her not only for her behavior but also the fact she could have exposed you to an STD! She's playing with fire and trust me, karma will get the best of her. I agree with Rio. Pick up what's left of your heart and RUN AWAY as fast as you can. In fact if you can move, do it. Go straight no contact with her and stick to it. Trust me, you want nothing to do with her, as much as it hurts, she will always be a cheater and you deserve better!
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 part of you wants to still believe that in her you had found your soulmate. that is why it hurts so much. also it will take time. so distract yourself with dating others--maybe do some online dating just to create a pool of people to date-- and when you catch yourself thinking about her, force yourself to focus on her characteristics that really are not ideal for you (and not just her cheating but the things about her personality). that is how you will fall out of love with her.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 CaliGuy: I wish I could move - but cannot. That adds to my sense of dread - knowing I'm going to have random contact. The only way to have complete NC is to get out the business I'm in - and that's not really an option. There will be no calls or visits, however, either to her or from her. I intend on an STD check as soon as I return home from out of town. Thanks for the reminder. I suspect that she is so self-destructive that STDs don't concern her. That raises a question - how can someone be so selfish and self-absorbed and simultaneously self-destructive? Cy, it's really difficult for me to get past the cheating. Pretty much all of the personality traits that I didn't care for led directly to that, I see now. The morning started okay - it's gotten worse. I realize I don't know how to "take care of myself" as I've read here and have been told by friends. I don't enjoy eating at the moment. I do it because I know I must. Every activity reminds me of the lie/time together we had. I really need to stop torturing myself.
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 yes stop torturing yourself. you will feel bad for awhile and have good days and bad days but soon you will be over her, just know that you will be! in the meantime try to distract yourself and its ok to get angry at her, sometimes that helps to feel better
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Ouch, Rio! I have run like hell! However, she does live 3 blocks from me and we share the same friends - in that respect, it's like a divorce. I am still shocked at the fact that I was living an unreal relationship for a year. But she was pretty slick. I really believed she was head over heals in love with me! Alcoholics are great manipulators. I do need to stop torturing myself. I suppose it's still pretty fresh and I should expect this - but it's crippling my work. I know how that feels- i was with someone 2 1/2 years-.....and i kind of realize it was an unreal relationship--- but im still indenial- always was.. it just sooo werid and hurts so much to think the truth
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 when you get burned, or just a plane old break up--- you realy dont see meaning in everything- because all the meaning you had was in that one person( supposilvey).....after a cuple of months- you won't feel like that or atleast i hope not, it will still hurt badly but not as much- and yes some days it will hit you-----but eventually you will find meaning in life again-
CaliGuy Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Let me bottom line this: All breakups happen for a reason. That person just wasn't right for you. There are literally millions of people out there. In fact, there are many people who will love you for who you are. All you need to do is find them. And you can not do that if you are living in the past, in regret, over a realationship that didn't work. It happens to all of us. We all go through this. But, we can all just as easily be happy and love again when we decide we LET GO of the past (something we can't change anyway) and decide that we don't want to live in fear, regret and denial. Every one of us deserves to be loved and appreciated. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't see the value in being with you. Cut them out of your life. You don't need them and you certainly will never be a strong, confident and self-assured person as long you continue to pine after someone who doesn't appreciate you. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, suck it up, LET IT GO and cut them out of your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you heal. And the sooner you heal the sooner the RIGHT person for you will come along. Trust me, it will happen. I never thought it was possible until I went through this myself. Now that I've experienced it myself I am literally kicking myself for putting so much effort into someone who merely used me and took me for granted. Literally the second I let go of her I felt my own personal power returning, my smile coming back and also, I asked myself WTH I was thinking?! I had put her on a pedestle she did not deserve to be on. The breakup was just as much my fault as it was hers. She wasn't comfortable being there and I wasn't exactly being confident and self-assured. Since I let go there has been no attempt to contact her from me. None at all. No emails, calls, text or IM. She's emailed me three times. I haven't responded to anything and I don't plan on it. Never again will I allow what happened to me in that relationship repeat itself. Now I have found someone not long after letting go that, at least on the surface is 1000 times better for me than the ex, in every facet. And I'm taking it slow. No rush to make the same mistakes. I'm confident in who I am and she sees that. You can all have happiness, it just takes hitting rock bottom once I suppose. It's not hard to pull yourself out of that hole as long as you are determined that you deserve better, it will happen.
Author fooled Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 But, we can all just as easily be happy and love again when we decide we LET GO of the past (something we can't change anyway) and decide that we don't want to live in fear, regret and denial. Every one of us deserves to be loved and appreciated. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't see the value in being with you. I think I have found my mantra in that last sentence. Thank you. Intellectually I know she isn't the right person for me. She's not the right person for anyone. She's only interested in herself. What did you do to let go? What steps? What did you think about? Did you have a routine thing you went through? I know that what you did may not work for me, but I may be able to identify and personalize it. Or was it just a force of will - something you just told yourself until you believed it?
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 CaliGuy, Sometimes I find myself slipping back into that not letting go mode. I cannot beloieve that despite what I know is a negative action for me to do, I recently felt the urge to want to contact him. It's an engrained impulse it feels like. On the surfacr I know I won't, but the want of doing keeps slipping right back. I read your poat and also was wonderingwhen di dyour breakup occur and perhaps I also wondering is it because I may not have someone in my life, dating persay, does it make me want to go back to contacting the X. That seems trying to find a cure and then getting hooked on the cure. I'm not saying that's your case but I needed a pep talk I suppose. I simply can't break NC, but I feeling a weak moment here.
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 i will listen to all those things to, and try to be deteremind- but its like when i here a good song- or sad songs- or even a happy song it hits me all over again like ughh
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