How do I avoid being taken for a fool but not lose potentially a good relationship?

[Trustonapp]

I’ve been dating someone now for the last few months and there was discussion about us being exclusive rather early. We both agreed that we would be exclusive over six weeks ago. We do get along and have a lot in common, but I realize that we just met so I have no idea if this is a relationship is going to be for the long-term even though that’s what I’m looking for.
Once we decided to be exclusive, I immediately removed my profiles from any dating apps I was on. I assumed that my partner would do the same. Therefore, I wasn’t looking on any of the apps for many weeks. The other day, I decided to go on one of the apps to make sure that my profile was permanently removed, and I came across my boyfriend’s profile and learned that he was actually active. I let it go for a day or two to think about how I wanted to approach this. Tonight, I asked him straight out if he was on any dating sites and he said no And then asked him, area you sure about that and he responded that it’s possible his picture was up, but that was it. I then told him well I have information which is indicating that you are not only on the app, but you are active on the app. He said well if that’s the case, he doesn’t know why, but he would immediately remove it which he did following our phone conversation.

I really don’t think he was on it necessarily to find someone else, but rather for some reassurance, because I get the feeling that he is somewhat insecure. I am not overly flirty but I do show him that I care about him in many ways. Is this relationship worthwhile in terms of still pursuing it? Should I approach him and just indicate to him that I did feel betrayed and hurt and that he will need to show me that he can be trustworthy. Even if I say this, what could he do to earn back my comfort or is it just a waste of time?
 

I’ve been lied to in the past by prior partners and I am getting much older now and I really don’t have the patience or interest to force a relationship when it’s not meant to be Again, I don’t feel he’s a bad guy. He seems to care quite a bit about me and we do have a good time together, but he is pushing towards us living together sooner rather than later, even though I told him I won’t be ready until I’m ready other words until I have complete comfort that I know who he is so I’m OK with that arrangement

[Gebidozo]

I wouldn’t trust a partner who continues to be active on a dating website after we have decided to be exclusive.

Even worse is his subsequent lying.

If he honestly admitted that he’d made a mistake and apologized, perhaps you could give him a chance. But he tried to lie his way out of the situation and didn’t acknowledge that he was wrong even after he was discovered.

Do you really want a partner who lies, doesn’t admit he’s wrong, and keeps romantic options open even after having committed to exclusivity because he needs “reassurance”?

 

 

 

 

[Sanch62]

Before getting accusatory about him, I'd check the site to learn what, exactly, constitutes 'active'--whether anyone who hasn't removed a profile or specified a setting of inactive is active? If that's the case, I could forgive not taking down or resetting a profile as something I could easily forget to do.

[Trustonapp]

The blue dot indicates the person is online. A full dot means they are online at that time. Once the dot isn’t full it means he’s been online within 24 hours. I see both types of dots with his profile. 

[Acacia98]

I guess we are all insecure. That insecurity manifests in different ways. Now, here is why your boyfriend's insecurity matters: Insecure people who seek reassurance by keeping their romantic options open eventually cheat. Perhaps he wasn't already cheating, but he would eventually have tried to. All it would have taken was one particularly bad disagreement between him and you or a dip in confidence because of an incident at work or a perceived rejection by someone he held in high esteem...

 

If I were you, I would gradually start to disengage from the relationship based on my knowledge. You, however, may not think he has done much wrong and may feel he deserves a second chance. That's fine, but I would strongly advise that you keep your eyes wide open. You cannot afford to just trust and hope for the best. Keep your eyes wide open so that if anything changes in a concerning way you will notice it.

Edited 14 hours ago by Acacia98

[Sony12]

To be honest I find the whole thing of being upset because you found a dating partner on a dating app to be pretty sketchy.

People can't know that their partner was on there unless they themselves were on there.

Secondly you really don't know if they were truly on there or not. A lot of people have several of their social media accounts connected together so say you just went on Facebook it would say that you were online on your dating site as well. That happens all the time where an app will say they are online but in actuality it just means that they were on one of their other apps they have.

In the end if someone is going to throw accusations at a dating partner just because they saw a little blue dot those two people probably shouldn't be dating anyways.

Edited 6 hours ago by Sony12

[Trustonapp]

He was active per the signal on the site. The dot appears when active. I assume he has been on the sure the whole time but I only ran across it the other day. 

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, Trustonapp said:

He was active per the signal on the site. The dot appears when active. I assume he has been on the sure the whole time but I only ran across it the other day. 

How many other apps does he use regularly? Can you say for certainty if he wasn't just on one of them.

He very easily could have turned it around on you if he wanted to by telling you you shouldn't be on the site either (which you were).

In the end you two shouldn't be dating if you are going to throw accusations like that at each other so easily.

[Trustonapp]

I dint know about other sites gopher may be using. All I know is he ousted for exclusivity on the 2nd date and even talked about living together by the end of this year and marriage. Then it comes to my attention he is active on the dating site. Seems disrespectful at a minimum. 
 

[Sony12]

15 minutes ago, Trustonapp said:

I dint know about other sites gopher may be using. All I know is he ousted for exclusivity on the 2nd date and even talked about living together by the end of this year and marriage. Then it comes to my attention he is active on the dating site. Seems disrespectful at a minimum. 
 

Yes lots of people have their social media apps connected together so if they are on one it will say they are active on the others. The activity indicators on dating apps are very unreliable.

Even with that for all you know he could have just been doing the same exact thing you were doing..... just looking around. I assume you two were using a pay site so he would have already paid for the service. 

You don't have any evidence at all that he was actively messaging or talking to people. You just saw a little blue dot. 

Anyways the relationship is probably ruined at this point. I sure wouldn't date someone who  threw accusations around like that.

[flitzanu]

it's pretty clear regardless of seeing a blue dot that you don't trust this person, and you are showing that you don't trust them by lying and sneaking on this dating site just to try and track their behaviors.

that's not a good start.  if you have that little trust in him, you can leave him and both find people more compatible.

 

i used a dating site once and met someone.  i was so caught up in dating them that i forgot to unsubscribe and turn off the profile, doesn't mean i was using it, it just existed and i was still online.