Starting to notice more effeminate characteristics about the guy I'm seeing- does he sound overall 'feminine'

May 6

Hello everyone,

I started seeing a new guy recently, we met through friends and so got to know each other in group settings before we started dating. As someone who has tried OLD these past few years, it has been refreshing to meet someone I’m interested in organically. He is also a few years older than me (I’m mid 30s, he’s early 40s).

Things are generally great between me and this guy. He treats me very well, pays for dates (something that I’ve not had much of before from stingey guys taking advantage of my own kindness/generosity in paying for both of us), is super attentive and caring. He has often said to me how he can “relax and be himself around me”, something he couldn’t do too much in his previous relationship.

Since getting to know him more though, especially on a 1:1 level outside group hangouts, I have discovered that he possesses some characteristics that one might call ‘effeminate’. Some of these I very much appreciate- for example, he is a very emotional person who likes to talk about feelings and things, just like I do. This is one of my biggest needs in relationships and I have struggled to find this in previous men I have dated which has capped my happiness with them. He has told me how much he values our emotional connection too so he feels the same as I do in that regard. He has 3 children too, all boys aged 8-11, and openly tries to encourage them to share their emotions with him too when tucking them into bed, since his own father growing up had no emotional availability for him. I have often praised him on how it’s so great that he’s so emotionally available with the people in his life.

There are some other aspects to him though which are slightly off putting and a little too ‘feminine’ for me personally I would say; not so much in what they are but how he feels at liberty to openly express these things about himself to a woman he is dating.

eg we were talking about hobbies, and I told him how I used to have martial arts lessons. He confessed that he once tried to go to such a class but got ‘really scared’ by what it looked like and decided not to proceed. On a similar note, we were talking another time about how the town we live in can be a bit of a weird place at night. He told me that once, a stranger randomly approached him in a confrontational manner on the street and hit him and then he swiftly went away, because he is a “runner not a fighter” (runner as in, he likes running marathons).

another eg. when I half-jokingly asked if he’d carry me upstairs after we saw it in a movie, he first said “oh, um I’m not sure I can, I’m not that strong” (I’m a reasonably petite gal), but then he found that he could. He openly said that he didn’t realise beforehand that he could do so. However he was hesitant to carry me back down the stairs later for ‘worry that we would both fall down the stairs since he’s not that strong yet’. (He’s a slim guy and of average height but has been working on building his upper body after spraining his ankle that took his focus off running for a bit).

The above examples might seem petty, however, being ‘strong’ and ‘confident’ are important things for me to have in a potential suitor. This is especially due to a bad experience I once had. I was dating a dude a few years ago who was so unconfident that even when some guy sexually harassed me in front of him at a bar when we were together, he did nothing but stand still and watch. Zero helping me in dealing with this person or having the will to do anything at all; the night ended with me in tears since he was absent for me while being physically present. That was a traumatic experience, and the above things about this guy have made me worried as to whether he could/ would step up if the same happened in his presence. I’m not sure whether I should ask this guy I’m with now, what he would do in such a scenario should it ever happen.

On a more trivial note, when in this guy’s house, I also noticed that he has a book near his bed on ‘feminism’ (it wasn’t in an obvious location but beneath two other books on more general topics that he’s been recently reading), as well as a weekly planner diary that has a Disney Princess on the front cover with a nice quotation ‘pages full of wonders to come!’, which he confessed to being his and of his own choosing when I casually asked him about it.

Overall I very much like and adore this man, he is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I would like to pursue things with him. However I am wondering whether the above makes him sound more effeminate than masculine since I’m not sure whether some of those are slightly turning me off. I am not sure I could be with an overall feminine man; I wouldn’t find it attractive.

It is early days at the moment though so I don’t want to bolt just yet, especially when the other things about him are very attractive to me. I would love to hear thoughts on this. Thank you

Edited May 6 by babybrowns

May 6

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I also noticed that he has a book near his bed on ‘feminism’ (it wasn’t in an obvious location but beneath two other books on more general topics that he’s been recently reading), as well as a weekly planner diary that has a Disney Princess on the front cover with a nice quotation ‘pages full of wonders to come!’, which he confessed to being his and of his own choosing

This would bother me more than the fact that he can't (or won't) carry you up/down the stairs. I'm struggling to imagine an adult man purchasing a Disney Princess planner for himself.

But, who knows, he might just be a quirky guy.

May 6

OP, I think that you’re confusing two unrelated character traits here.

On the one hand, there is the care, the ethical integrity, and the modicum of courage needed to step up to comfort and protect your partner from harassment. Your ex didn’t have those.

On the other hand, there are those “feminine” qualities in your current boyfriend that you refer to. They have nothing to do with the above. A man can be physically weak yet brave. A man can like Disney Princesses and yet protect his lady when needed.

I absolutely can’t stand violence and physical fights, unless they happen in a video game. I’m pretty sure I would run away if someone assaults me when I’m alone. But one time a guy was bothering my partner, and I actually dragged him outside and was ready to fight him.

There is no indication that your current boyfriend would behave like your ex if someone harasses you. Frankly, judging by your description, he sounds like a great guy. Being emotionally open and interested in feminism are two excellent traits. Unless he failed an important test like your ex, I don’t think you have any reason to worry.

May 6

I think part of this is you projecting your bad experience with the previous guy onto this new guy. It's not fair to assume that this person you're dating wouldn't defend you from a harasser just because he has a Disney notebook.

I suggest you communicate to him your preferences. Of course, it's ultimately up to him how he acts and he shouldn't change who he is. But you could tell him that masculine traits are a turn-on for you, and list a lot of the traits you are attracted to. Maybe praise him when he does "masculine" things like fixing things, lifting heavy things, etc.

This guy probably thinks he's doing all the right things by being emotionally open and having a softside. He probably thinks embracing the feminine stuff will make him connect with you better. He may not be aware of what your preferences are. It's not his fault that's he's not meeting expectations if you haven't communicated those expectations to him.

Edited May 6 by enterthevoid

May 6

Personally, I’m more curious to discuss how you feel about the fact that he has three young children than I am concerned about the fact that he won’t carry you down the stairs…

May 6

I think you're problem-shopping and projecting here.

May 6

I hope you'll communicate these concerns to the guy so he'll learn what he's dealing with.

May 6

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I was dating a dude a few years ago who was so unconfident that even when some guy sexually harassed me in front of him at a bar when we were together, he did nothing but stand still and watch

I hope you're aware that the "masculine" traits that you are looking for are not relevant at all in predicting the outcome to this scenario. There are plenty of hyperconfident men who will abandon you in situations like this, after having boasted to you about their "martial arts prowess" or carrying you down the stairs (?!). On the other hand, an observant and quick thinking man could easily handle this by just... calling the bouncer.

It's obviously your prerogative to be attracted or not attracted to anyone you wish. You don't have to justify it. But I really wouldn't count on anyone rescuing me from a situation like that based on their "masculinity". Personally, my opinion is that the hypermasculine men are more likely to cause trouble (e.g. by getting into unnecessary fights) than to solve it.

May 6

A man having a book on feminism doesn't make him an effeminate guy. Neither does the fact that he reacted by running away in an incident where an attacker came up to him on the street. This is ridiculous logic.

May 6

You lost me when you actually criticised him for running to safety. If he's a runner, this is a far safer move than getting into a fight.

Unbelievable

May 6

I like a man who has the good sense to avoid a fight. I wish more were that way. It's dangerous out there.

May 6

I have to add, yes most of these examples are very petty, and I suspect that your ongoing singleness is related to you expecting a whole package. NEWSFLASH: PERFECT DOES NOT EXIST

On top of the ridiculousness of criticising a man who is fast enough to keep himself safe and out of trouble, he's absolutely right that carrying you up and down stairs is inherently dangerous no matter what size a person is. What is wrong with you that you'd pressure someone to put both of you at risk like this? What if he had tripped and fallen?

Lastly, having ongoing "trauma" from when one guy didn't defend you one time when you were being sexually harassed one time is OTT. From what I'm reading, you were not alone and not at risk. Just uncomfortable. And the guy you were with probably felt that you were standing up for yourself quite adequately. Remembering being uncomfortable that one time is reasonable, but carrying it with you and projecting it onto new men suggests you need therapy so that you don't put previous issues onto new people in different situations.

May 6

48 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I like a man who has the good sense to avoid a fight. I wish more were that way. It's dangerous out there.

Indeed. My hubby and his mates have never been in a fight on a night out. They know how to de-escalate and/or get away from the situation.

They also have all their teeth and straight noses

May 8

On 5/6/2025 at 5:53 PM, enterthevoid said:

I think part of this is you projecting your bad experience with the previous guy onto this new guy. It's not fair to assume that this person you're dating wouldn't defend you from a harasser just because he has a Disney notebook.

I suggest you communicate to him your preferences. Of course, it's ultimately up to him how he acts and he shouldn't change who he is. But you could tell him that masculine traits are a turn-on for you, and list a lot of the traits you are attracted to. Maybe praise him when he does "masculine" things like fixing things, lifting heavy things, etc.

This guy probably thinks he's doing all the right things by being emotionally open and having a softside. He probably thinks embracing the feminine stuff will make him connect with you better. He may not be aware of what your preferences are. It's not his fault that's he's not meeting expectations if you haven't communicated those expectations to him.

Thank you, this is particularly helpful. (As are all comments so far- thank you all )

I think that part of the problem is that this man feels too comfortable to be himself around me, to the extent that these effeminate sides to him are being expressed unreservedly. He has often said to me how he can finally be himself with someone he’s dating. With his previous partner he had to tread on eggshells and couldn’t be himself, but with me he has always felt he can be completely himself.

I have told him about some of my needs, for example, I am always giving him lots of compliments and words of affirmation, which he particularly appreciates since he has some self esteem issues, but he rarely does this for me. Never says a genuine thank you for anything which he knows is starting to turn me off, never compliments me. He is trying to work on it though; we have had several chats about it since feeling appreciated by a partner is important to me.

I am a little reluctant though of broaching this particular topic; I don’t want him to feel that I am insulting his manhood. But it really is starting to turn me off. A few people on here have called me out for my response to him saying he ran away when someone was coming at him in the street. It is not the incident that is bothering me but the ‘running away’ response; it is the same stance that he took when he tried going into a martial arts class and told me that he “ran away” from that as well. And how he is so comfortable to say that to me as a woman whom he’s trying to impress, almost like a joke, and I would go so far as to say almost like a woman (not in terms of voice tone but in terms of sentiment- “OMG I was like so scared haha! Just ran away!”). And the same “Haha I’m not very strong!”To me that’s not manly, it’s not masculine, it doesn’t suggest he can or would wish to protect me as a woman (not that I specifically ‘seek out’ protection but like many straight women, I do want the feeling that my man can protect me if I’m in danger). As a straight woman, it is a turnoff to have these effeminate traits expressed so openly from a man whom I’m dating.

But there are other aspects to him which do suggest that he is masculine. He is passionate about cars. He is passionate about running marathons and fitness in general. (I know that these things are universal- I also share some of these passions with him, having run several half marathons, but still I like to think that it’s a good display of his testosterone).

He also brings a lot of good masculine energy into the way he is courting me. He picks me up in his car and takes me out to dinner. He insists on paying despite me always offering to split- which I love. No man has ever treated me so well before when dating.

He does little things for me, like makes me cups of coffee when I’m at his house, and other nice things. He is a great listener, asks me questions about myself, is super attentive when I’m saying something and remembers everything I tell him. I very much appreciate all of this, greatly.

I am very appreciative of this person; he is the best (not yet ‘official’) ‘boyfriend’ I have ever had. Whatever I need, he tries hard to fulfil it, and has a clear goal to make me happy. I do the same for him too. I get him little gifts and things, I am always there to listen to him attentively when he wants to open up, about things that have happened in his life or just day to day pensive thoughts etc; he feels safe with me. I boost him up with words of affirmation and make him feel great.

I just need to know though that he is overall masculine. I was highly attracted to this person before some of the (unreservedly expressed) revelations about his effeminate tendencies. I have many gay male friends and have nothing against effeminate men, they do make the best of friends for a girl I’d say, but as a straight woman, I need to know that a guy I am dating is overall masculine since otherwise I won’t be romantically attracted to him.

Edited May 8 by babybrowns

May 8

Just break up with the guy.

You clearly aren't as into him as you hoped, and you want him to be someone he isn't. It would unfair to hang on to him when you are turned off by him.

May 8

23 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

As a straight woman, it is a turnoff to have these effeminate traits expressed so openly from a man whom I’m dating.

Well, if he turns you off, break up with him. You don’t need to seek any justifications, because, frankly, they are rather weak. He was scared of a stranger assaulting him on the street and he ran away. That’s not “effeminate”, that’s common sense. If you prefer men who get into street fights, by all means, you’re free to pursue one of those. But your attempts to somehow justify that by resorting to narrow, primitive, and imprecisely formulated gender stereotypes aren’t very convincing.

28 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But there are other aspects to him which do suggest that he is masculine. He is passionate about cars. He is passionate about running marathons and fitness in general.

How strange. I’m completely indifferent to cars, I can’t even drive. I’m not interested in fitness at all and particularly abhor running. Yet somehow nobody has ever perceived me as not being masculine enough for those reasons.

Would you like it if some guy said this about you, “There are other aspects to her which do suggest that she is feminine. She is passionate about dolls. She is passionate about knitting and cleaning the apartment and housework in general”?

Maybe the problem is in your definition of masculinity? Frankly, as a man, I find it rather offensive.

May 8

Depends on your own perception of masculinity. If more men were like your guy the world wouldn't be teetering on the verge of WW3, male leaders would be able to reach amicable and agreeable solutions instead of all the posturing and penis-measuring that's brought us to the global mess we're in. You may prefer a guy with what are traditionally perceived as male traits but I say that a guy who avoids aggression and stays out of fights is far, far superior to a gronk who thinks thumping someone is a solution to anything. Granted there are occasions when someone deserves a thumping, but it takes real man to walk away from the redneckery of brawling even though he knows he may get thought less of and laughed at. It takes a real man to admit he's not the Hulk. Unless your guy is dressing up in your underwear and watching 'Barbie' on a loop he's just a sensitive bloke who cares about the people he loves and doesn't need to prove anything by acting like a territorial primate.

May 8

Gentleman barbarian here. A few thoughts for you to try on:

1) Everyone has their preferences. It is just a fact of life and there's no need to preference shame you. They are what they are.

2) You are not attracted to men with certain feminine traits. There are some other feminine traits that you do at least appreciate if or not attracted to.

3) And that's okay. We really don't live in a binary world of this or that. The world we live in a far more complex and often seemingly contradictory. And yes, sometimes our preferences make us sound very Goldilocks-ish which, truth be told, is sort of on display here. Don't beat yourself up about it though...

4) Question: how much of this is physical? If the dude was jacked - would the things that bother you still bother you?

5) Question: how's the sex?

May 8

clearly you aren't into this guy or attracted to him, so just stop dating him, or he should dump you before this gets worse.

you want to shape and mold him into something he is not, and that is incredibly unhealthy and inappropriate. there should be ZERO conversation about your expectations to this man to fight strangers in the streets for you, carry you up and down staircases, or magically change his "masculine energy"

May 8

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It is not the incident that is bothering me but the ‘running away’ response

What would you rather he do, risk his life for no reason at all? You realize that men who fulfill your "requirements" are likely going to be losing their limbs or life prematurely, right? Is that really what you want?

May 9

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just need to know though that he is overall masculine

Above you are describing many masculine aspects of him, so yes he's overall masculine.

I find it irresponsible to ask him to carry you in the stairs. You're in your mid 30s you should understand the danger of both of you falling. I would not be surprised that he found you pretty juvenile with your request. This is a father of 3 young boys that could end up in a very difficult situation if he broke a leg or an arm.

Once my bf and I were coming out of a theater after midnight. A homeless man got fixated on me. My boyfriend is physically imposing and he could have shoved him aside but he didn't, instead he put his arm around my shoulders, and guided me across the street. My bf did not engage the homeless man at all. A smart man leads his loved ones (or himself) to security, he does not look for a confrontation or a fight, only insecure men do that.

Edited May 9 by Gaeta

May 9

When I read the thread title I thought someone was concerned that the person they were dating might be gay. But nope it's just about a forty something year old man not being thrilled with the idea of carrying someone up the stairs.

I think the OP wants a boyfriend that she sees in action movies.

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