lemonicetea Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 I’m a female in her 30’s. I’ve always felt that the only guys who are interested in me have mental or emotional problems. I was using a dating app for a year and it’s always the same thing. Most people I message never respond and most people who message me first are total creeps or obvious scammers (and I understand these guys act this way to everybody). In the few rare times I actually get a conversation going they either ghost me, the conversation just sort of fizzles out (and I admit that I may be to blame for that because sometimes I have a hard time making small talk with people I don’t know), or they just start acting like a jerk. My landlord told me that her stepdaughter’s philosophy to dating apps is “always say yes”. Unless someone is sending up red flags or making you feel uncomfortable, always engage in a conversation with someone who messages you and always say yes if they ask you out. Being on the app for a year I’ve only had three guys ask me out. The first guy was someone I was messaging for like day or two, but every message he sent me was filled with spelling and grammar errors. Like within 24 hours or so of my first message with him he goes “do you has plan for to night ? lets finnish are convention in fancy restaurants i now a nice italy place” (I’m paraphrasing, but this is how he was typing). I just couldn’t bring myself to accept his offer. One guy I actually went out with was a really nice guy and I enjoyed talking with him. But the thing was he had autism and I don’t think he understood boundaries. We went on one date and then he was calling and texting multiple times a day after that, told several family and friends about me, and got dejected when he found out I wasn’t doing the same. Like I’m being 100% serious here, I would love to have him in my life as a friend but he seemed like way too much way too soon in a dating relationship. More recently, I had a guy ask me out. I guess he seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was in an open marriage and completely bed bound due to a car accident (like he lived at his dad’s but his wife and kids lived at their home). I just couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” because I knew without a shadow of a doubt this is not what I want in a partner. Anyways I was thinking about my mom told me several years ago. She said that since she can’t picture me having kids, there’s no real need for me to date. I should just focus more on making friendships. I have made many more meaningful friendships since she has told me that, but I’m still feeling lonely. Is it just that I haven’t found the right friend(s)? I mean I have friends that are valuable to me, but they’re just my friends. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. So should I even keep trying to date or should I just invest that energy into trying to cultivate more/stronger/newer friendships? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 2 hours ago, lemonicetea said: I was thinking about my mom told me several years ago. She said that since she can’t picture me having kids, there’s no real need for me to date This is just...bizarre. And bad advice. Just because someone might not have kids (or doesn't want them) does not mean they wouldn't want a partner. Friendships are not the same as romantic relationships, so I don't get why she'd even mention one as an alternative to the other. 2 hours ago, lemonicetea said: should I just invest that energy into trying to cultivate more/stronger/newer friendships? Well, would it be fulfilling for you to just have friends and never have a partner? 2 hours ago, lemonicetea said: My landlord told me that her stepdaughter’s philosophy to dating apps is “always say yes”. Unless someone is sending up red flags or making you feel uncomfortable, always engage in a conversation with someone who messages you and always say yes if they ask you out This is also weird advice. There is no way I would follow this approach. Maybe that works for the woman in question, but I would find that exhausting and not at all appealing. You can know someone isn't a good match for you even if there aren't alarming red flags. I wouldn't waste my own time just saying yes to any guy who shows a modicum of interest. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 2 hours ago, lemonicetea said: Anyways I was thinking about my mom told me several years ago. She said that since she can’t picture me having kids, there’s no real need for me to date. What a terrible thing to say. First of all, what does it mean that she can’t picture you having kids? Do you want to have kids? Whatever your mother can or cannot picture has no relevance to your life. Second, seeing dating as means and childbirth as goal is a very outdated and obsolete view. Regardless, if that is your mother’s view she is entitled to have it, but what does dating mean to you? What are your wishes and expectations? It seems to me that you need to answer those questions to yourself decidedly. Make sure you really know what you want. If dating and finding a romantic partner is truly what you want for yourself, you should let those things happen naturally. I’d strongly suggest to abandon online dating and meet potential partners in real life. Just look at this forum, about half of the topics are some dreadful online dating stories. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonicetea Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 8 hours ago, Gebidozo said: If dating and finding a romantic partner is truly what you want for yourself, you should let those things happen naturally. I’d strongly suggest to abandon online dating and meet potential partners in real life. Just look at this forum, about half of the topics are some dreadful online dating stories. This is where I need help. Just how exactly do I do this? Since I don’t drink, I don’t go to bars. I also kind of have issues with loud noises and crowds so places like night clubs and concerts are a no go. Pretty much the only two social events I go to are local gemstone and psychic fairs, but I do not have the confidence to walk up to any of the other patrons and strike up a conversation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 1 hour ago, lemonicetea said: This is where I need help. Just how exactly do I do this? Since I don’t drink, I don’t go to bars. I also kind of have issues with loud noises and crowds so places like night clubs and concerts are a no go. Pretty much the only two social events I go to are local gemstone and psychic fairs, but I do not have the confidence to walk up to any of the other patrons and strike up a conversation. You don’t need to go to bars to find a life partner. My partner (who never used online dating) dated a lot of men, but met only one of them in a bar, and it was her shortest relationship. I dated a lot of women, but those I met in bars were mainly fleeting encounters. I think the longest relationship I had with someone I met in a bar lasted a couple of months. All of my long-term relationships, lasting multiple years, initiated in work-related social circles. And I dwell in very narrow circles indeed, mostly just the people of my profession. None of my hobbies is social, whenever I have time for myself I’m busy with my hobbies at home alone. Almost all other people I know have way more outdoor hobbies and wider social circles, and meet more people. Perhaps you should work on your confidence. I personally find it very strange that you don’t have the confidence to strike up a conversation with a person you meet in a social setting bound by common interest, yet do have enough confidence to set up a meeting online with a total stranger. If you enlarge your social circle in real life, you’ll be meeting people all the time, and won’t have to go through the utter weirdness of online dating. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
enterthevoid Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 (edited) This ultimately depends on what you want. If having a partner is one of your main goals in life, I would keep doing it. Try meeting people in different places. Try a different process of vetting people, etc. Though sometimes you're burnt out and it's totally fine to take a break. Quote Being on the app for a year I’ve only had three guys ask me out. If you're not getting the results you want on the apps, I'd suggest improving your photos. Have better lighting. Take pics in more interesting locations. Try different outfits/style, etc. Quote always say yes if they ask you out I don't agree with this. I like the overall vibe of talking to lots of people, but you shouldn't force yourself to go on dates with people you aren't interested in. That's not fair to you or them. You can ask to get to know them a bit better first before going on the date. Or if you just don't see anything in common, you can decline. Edited May 6 by enterthevoid Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sanch62 Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 13 hours ago, lemonicetea said: So should I even keep trying to date or should I just invest that energy into trying to cultivate more/stronger/newer friendships? I don't view this as a binary, either/or, scenario. Why not do both? Also, do you agree with your Mom's premise that you don't want to have children or a child someday? If so, that certainly frees you from urgency, but if not, you have every right to tell her that her comment was hurtful and not an assumption you're willing to go along with. I was in my 30's when I reconciled that I really don't want to have children. I was satisfied being an active aunt, and this continual exposure to parenting taught me about my own limits. So while this choice freed me to have a much-needed surgery that liberated me physically to pursue the active lifestyle I wanted, my choice to forego children didn't come about quickly or easily, and it did limit my dating pool to men who also didn't plan for children (or more children) going forward. What kind of dating apps have you used? Have you considered investing in some research and trial periods with ones that might be more suitable for you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sanch62 Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 10 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: What kind of dating apps have you used? Have you considered investing in some research and trial periods with ones that might be more suitable for you? Also, have you considered pursuing any meetup.com groups in your area? Plenty of people explore those solo to meet possible new friends or potential dates. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted Tuesday at 09:14 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 09:14 PM 17 hours ago, lemonicetea said: Anyways I was thinking about my mom told me several years ago. She said that since she can’t picture me having kids, there’s no real need for me to date. I should just focus more on making friendships. What do YOU want? You should know yourself enough to make these decisions for yourself, not just blindly listen to your Mom or anyone else about important life decisions. It's not her place to tell you any of this. You have to look within yourself and make these decisions for yourself. 17 hours ago, lemonicetea said: My landlord told me that her stepdaughter’s philosophy to dating apps is “always say yes”. Unless someone is sending up red flags or making you feel uncomfortable, always engage in a conversation with someone who messages you and always say yes if they ask you out. I'm sorry but that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. So you should always say yes to any random person that messages you, and have no standards? Not good advice at all. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted Tuesday at 10:02 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 10:02 PM 18 hours ago, lemonicetea said: I have made many more meaningful friendships since she has told me that, Since you've made all of these new friendships why not ask them if they know any eligible men they can introduce you to. Also what do you and your friends do for activities? Are men ever included when you guys go out? Where do you go? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BoyCharm Posted Wednesday at 12:12 AM Share Posted Wednesday at 12:12 AM 20 hours ago, lemonicetea said: I’m a female in her 30’s. I’ve always felt that the only guys who are interested in me have mental or emotional problems. I was using a dating app for a year and it’s always the same thing. Most people I message never respond and most people who message me first are total creeps or obvious scammers (and I understand these guys act this way to everybody). In the few rare times I actually get a conversation going they either ghost me, the conversation just sort of fizzles out (and I admit that I may be to blame for that because sometimes I have a hard time making small talk with people I don’t know), or they just start acting like a jerk. My landlord told me that her stepdaughter’s philosophy to dating apps is “always say yes”. Unless someone is sending up red flags or making you feel uncomfortable, always engage in a conversation with someone who messages you and always say yes if they ask you out. Being on the app for a year I’ve only had three guys ask me out. The first guy was someone I was messaging for like day or two, but every message he sent me was filled with spelling and grammar errors. Like within 24 hours or so of my first message with him he goes “do you has plan for to night ? lets finnish are convention in fancy restaurants i now a nice italy place” (I’m paraphrasing, but this is how he was typing). I just couldn’t bring myself to accept his offer. One guy I actually went out with was a really nice guy and I enjoyed talking with him. But the thing was he had autism and I don’t think he understood boundaries. We went on one date and then he was calling and texting multiple times a day after that, told several family and friends about me, and got dejected when he found out I wasn’t doing the same. Like I’m being 100% serious here, I would love to have him in my life as a friend but he seemed like way too much way too soon in a dating relationship. More recently, I had a guy ask me out. I guess he seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was in an open marriage and completely bed bound due to a car accident (like he lived at his dad’s but his wife and kids lived at their home). I just couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” because I knew without a shadow of a doubt this is not what I want in a partner. Anyways I was thinking about my mom told me several years ago. She said that since she can’t picture me having kids, there’s no real need for me to date. I should just focus more on making friendships. I have made many more meaningful friendships since she has told me that, but I’m still feeling lonely. Is it just that I haven’t found the right friend(s)? I mean I have friends that are valuable to me, but they’re just my friends. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. So should I even keep trying to date or should I just invest that energy into trying to cultivate more/stronger/newer friendships? It`s difficult for me to give you any advice, but if I were you I wouldn't push to hard in looking for someone. I would be open to jogging in my free-time maybe cultivating a group activity or even joining a local prayer group. I`ve been alone all my life ( not saying you will ) but I`ve learned over the years loneliness is a phase. My old friends have all found someone and have beautiful families. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonicetea Posted Wednesday at 12:19 AM Author Share Posted Wednesday at 12:19 AM 8 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Perhaps you should work on your confidence. I personally find it very strange that you don’t have the confidence to strike up a conversation with a person you meet in a social setting bound by common interest, yet do have enough confidence to set up a meeting online with a total stranger. If you enlarge your social circle in real life, you’ll be meeting people all the time, and won’t have to go through the utter weirdness of online dating. I have no idea how to explain it, but I have a much easier time talking to people I don’t know online instead of real life. I think it may be context. If someone is on a dating app, they are looking to meet people. If they are just some random person at a gem show, who knows what they want. 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Since you've made all of these new friendships why not ask them if they know any eligible men they can introduce you to. Also what do you and your friends do for activities? Are men ever included when you guys go out? Where do you go? We usually just go out to eat, go to the mall, see a movie, or go to the previously mentioned fairs. And also I typically just go out with one friend at a time; I don’t really have a posse or anything. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted Wednesday at 02:01 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 02:01 PM 13 hours ago, lemonicetea said: We usually just go out to eat, go to the mall, see a movie, or go to the previously mentioned fairs. And also I typically just go out with one friend at a time; I don’t really have a posse or anything. Have you asked your friends if they know of or have any eligible bachelors in their families that they can introduce you to? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonicetea Posted Wednesday at 02:26 PM Author Share Posted Wednesday at 02:26 PM 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: Have you asked your friends if they know of or have any eligible bachelors in their families that they can introduce you to? No I haven’t. I just feel awkward asking someone to play Cupid. Like I would feel pressured into making it work. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted Wednesday at 03:00 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 03:00 PM 33 minutes ago, lemonicetea said: No I haven’t. I just feel awkward asking someone to play Cupid. Like I would feel pressured into making it work. If you continue to reject all suggestions on how to meet a man you might end up alone. Are you open to online dating? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hfp220 Posted Wednesday at 06:53 PM Share Posted Wednesday at 06:53 PM Honestly it’s up to you OP. Do you want to give up on dating? Or would you rather keep trying and see where things take you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonicetea Posted Wednesday at 11:03 PM Author Share Posted Wednesday at 11:03 PM 8 hours ago, stillafool said: If you continue to reject all suggestions on how to meet a man you might end up alone. Are you open to online dating? I’m not trying to reject options to meet people but I will admit there are things I need to work on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted Thursday at 12:13 AM Share Posted Thursday at 12:13 AM 23 hours ago, lemonicetea said: I have no idea how to explain it, but I have a much easier time talking to people I don’t know online instead of real life. No wonder you’re having difficulties, then. Romance is rooted in physical contact and live conversation. Perhaps you should start working on overcoming your lack of confidence in talking to actual people in real life. 23 hours ago, lemonicetea said: . If someone is on a dating app, they are looking to meet people. If they are just some random person at a gem show, who knows what they want. That’s exactly why I’m not enthusiastic about dating apps. The principle of methodical, mechanical advancement towards a goal that permeates dating apps greatly damages the sense of spontaneity, adventure, and romance, which are essential for dating. With random people at a gem show, things at least might happen organically. Dating apps prevent this from happening. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonicetea Posted Thursday at 02:36 AM Author Share Posted Thursday at 02:36 AM (edited) 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: No wonder you’re having difficulties, then. Romance is rooted in physical contact and live conversation. Perhaps you should start working on overcoming your lack of confidence in talking to actual people in real life. That’s exactly why I’m not enthusiastic about dating apps. The principle of methodical, mechanical advancement towards a goal that permeates dating apps greatly damages the sense of spontaneity, adventure, and romance, which are essential for dating. With random people at a gem show, things at least might happen organically. Dating apps prevent this from happening. I really don’t know how to explain it but I have a difficult time striking up conversations with strangers. It’s all about the context though. I have no issues with speaking with vendors at these fairs or employees at places like the mall, but I feel awkward striking up a conversation with another customer or patron. I guess I feel like nobody expects it. Like in all my years at the gem fairs, I’ve never had another patron walk up to me and started making small talk. Another thing is that most people at these fairs are with their friends or family, and a lot of the time I am too. I don’t know if it’s the lack of confidence or the wrong personality type, but trying to jump in the middle of a previously established friend group is just waaaaay out of my comfort zone. Edited Thursday at 02:36 AM by lemonicetea Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted Thursday at 05:03 AM Share Posted Thursday at 05:03 AM Unless these gem fairs are very frequent, I am not sure you would limit yourself to trying to meet people only at these events. They don't sound like the ideal place to meet someone anyway, so I wouldn't really focus on them. You are going to need to expand your social horizons and get involved in other activities or events to broaden your dating scope, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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