dealing with bipolar illness....i love her to much to walk away from this...

[sandman911]

Hopefully someone can help me figure out some things and kind of put me at ease with everything..where do i start... i met this girl out of the blue in march of 03' we immediately had a great friendship and then began dating about a couple of months after that...we had a great relationship always with eachtother, going on vacations, doing stuff that normal 21-22 year olds do..partying all that good stuff...her parents have a summer home..we would go down there and spend alot of time doing that type of thing...we spent every holiday with eachother and our families got a long great...we were in love..well i was at least...we had our bickerments and our ups and downs at one point we took a couple of weeks apart and then we would get back because we were all about being with eachother....for her 23rd b-day i had made the decision that i wanted to marry this girl..she is want i always wanted in anyone...she was beautiful and fun and just a pleasure to be around her family was great...her brothers were like my own...there kids were like neices and nephews...it was great...she did have some problems though...things i knew about but wasnt affraid of...she had bipolar disorder (i think)...i m no doctor and she never admitted it..but being on kalonopin, zoloft and some type of mood stabilizers....i love her to death and want to be with her and support her and help her...i knew she had a illness and was by her side no matter what...she would yell change mind in a instant...she would be up and down...cry when she wanted to...it was a emotional rollercoaster...but i was still there....well the decision came easy to marry her...she was the love of my life.....well the day i was going to give her the ring...she called me at 730 am while i was getting ready to go down to her parents house and give her the ring...and said i dont wanna be with you anymore..and that was it...we had a wedding to go to that night and she wanted to go alone...well after crying for alittle while...i tried to call her back..she didnt answer at all..she calls me back and says she wants me now to come to the wedding...i said i cant do that because i was to hurt about what you said me earlier....well she meet someone at the wedding and they started dating about 1 1/2 weeks after she jsut broke off a 3 yr relationship...and 1 month after that they move in together....this is the first time she has ever lived with another guy...i didnt live with her...i mean i stayed at her house all the time but never lived with eachother...so needless to say we talked sometimes and i was always trying to convince her to come back with me and try to make it work...she didnt want to she was living with someone else and it wasnt going to work between us and to leave her alone....then i would hear from her again..we would talk some more and then she didnt wanna talk anymore...it was bad...she at one point said that she wanted to get back together and try to make it work she kicked this kid out and so on...nope she was kidding...then she called me when she kicked him out on night because he kicked our little puppy that i bought her that she still has.....then he was back the next night....wellit sux..i love her...she has bipolar and it is taking affect of her life...she came back to me recently on 1-4-06 and said to my face..i love you so much...i think about you everyday and i hear a certain song i cry and the dog wont go near this kid anymore and i should have never left you for this kid.....and i sosrry it will never happen again....she stand over my new apartment with me and she brought the dog...we went out we had a great time she was having fun i was having fun and we were happy like before...she wanted to buy a new car i went with her and was going to help her with it and i didnt get her anything for xmas so i went out and bought her some nice things for the hell of it....and then 4 days later after telling me she loves me almost everyday and telling her family that she broke up to get back with me and her friends and everyone she knows pretty much we are trying to make it work and taking it slow...she tells me take she cant do it anymore and that she is not i love with me and pretty much is now trying to get back with this kid...she said he verbally and physcally abuses her...and she wants him back...do you think that we can make it work again sometime? how do i get her back when she says we can talk? and being friends is not going to happen right now? with bipolar does this happen alot? will she change her mind again? do you think that she will come back and try to make it work again? i have a alot of questions to ask...and get out there? tell me what you think of my situation? have you seen similar cases where this has happened? i think she needs to get better help and hopefully she can get better or keep it under control? i love her so much what should i do about getting her back? give some steps so ways back in? anything? thanks......i appreciate it....

[riobikini]

Dear Sandman911,

 

Who am I to tell you what to do with your life?

 

I have EMPATHY for you.

 

My third husband was Bipolar Type I...the worst type.

 

It didn't matter how much I loved him or tried to be a good partner to him, -there was always the illness interfering and destroying vital parts of the relationship.

 

Like stability and trust.

 

And I was always defeated.

 

People with extreme diagnoses of Bipolar illness are difficult to treat for many reasons.

 

In our case, it was due to my husband's paranoia and distrust of medical professionals.

 

He was a very clever and intellectual man and during his regular visits to his doctor, was able to casually convince him that 'everything was fine', and that his medication was working well to control his illness.

 

It was not.

 

Perhaps, to my husband things WERE going well, but to the rest of us having to deal with his behavior looking at it from an outside perspective, -he was clearly NOT doing well, at all.

 

Trying to convince him that his behaviour was 'off' and that he needed, perhaps, a change in medication dosage or a change of the type of medication he was taking, altogether, was never any use, -and he often got very angry about anyone bringing it up.

 

It was his business, -he said so.

 

In the world of psychiatry, doctors rarely listen to wives or other family members and rely (ironically) on what they see and hear from their mentally ill patients during brief office visits.

 

Somehow, that doesn't seem fair, nor 'right', but it is an everyday occurrence.

 

The effects of this specific breakdown in the treatment of the illness is relative to everything in the life of the affected person.

 

They never get to truly see reality uncontorted.

 

And their entire lives are subjected to the highs and lows of the illness, giving it a roller-coaster appearance.

 

Moods can vary in depth of feeling sadness or euphoria during the cycling periods and any decisions made by the individual during that time will be based on the flavor of the mood, only to watch him flip-flop on his decision later in the most opposite, extreme direction when the cycle switches gears.

 

It can be a life of ups and downs that leave a partner feeling exhausted, confused, and helpless.

 

It is torture to see someone you love in a type of pain that you cannot touch to soothe with your fingertips, nor kiss gently and make it disappear.

 

But Bipolar illness is just that kind of pain.

 

If you are not a strong person, mentally, emotionally, and physically, you will likely end up feeling a little Bipolar, yourself, at times, and become sucked into the confusing, unsettling, world of your partner.

 

You may even think you can 'go there' with him to try and understand it better, but you can only go so far.

 

In time, the illness, if not properly treated, will take its toll on the relationship.

 

After 3 and a half years of fighting a battle that was impossible for me to win, I found myself divorced, -but relieved.

 

I knew I had given it all I had and in doing that, I was somehow 'redeemed' from all guilt.

 

In time I 'found myself' again, put my world back together, and looking back, although, am saddened by the ending of the relationship for his sake, I am very happy to have parted from it.

 

To this day, he is still not getting proper treatment, and his illness has continued to make his life and others lives miserable, due in large part, to his continued lying to his doctor about his state of well-being.

 

Sandman, before you continue with this girl you are so in love with, please understand that I realize how deeply you can love someone with this illness, -I've been there, but keep in mind that even your great love for her will not only be tested by the illness, it will also be distrusted.

 

And that may be the most painful part of this you will have to accept, secondary only to the ultimate realization that you cannot cure her simply by loving her.

 

I wish I had better news for you.

 

You still have a lot to work through to even begin to arrive at a decision about this relationship, but hopefully, I have given you enough information about my own personal experience to make you want to know more about living with Bipolar illness.

 

If she is yet undiagnosed, but you strongly suspect she has the illness, encourage her to see a doctor, -your suspicions could only have two possible answers: either she has the illness, or she doesn't.

 

Regardless of the diagnoses, and because of the mood-switching behavior that appears to be constant with her, I suggest that if you plan to stay in the relationship, you need to begin forming an 'arsenal' of information to help you deal with the inevitable future problems that seem to be occurring frequently, anyway.

 

There are other mental illnesses that may wind up being the problem.

 

Research the topic of mental illnesses and if it turns out she does have Bipolar, you will a big step ahead. There are also groups to help you cope with it. Seek them out, -they're worth looking into.

 

Sandman, love is powerful, -yes- and you are not wrong for being capable of loving her, -it's just that it may be unhealthy for you to live with her.

 

Whatever you choose, -Godspeed, and Good Luck.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[caring guy]

Hey Sandman,

You seem a top guy that can deal with this in a relationship, i have anxiety/depression & my moods can be all over the place & relationships have ended because of it, girls have leaft me & it's not the fault of the sufferer, just some partners can't live with it.

Respect to you that you stick by her & her moods, i just hope for you that she sees the good she has & comes back to you for good. I expect you feel insecure, even if she did as you don't know whats round the corner.

 

I have been brought up by a family that has had lots of long term relationships, grandparents etc that were married 71 years, parents 40 years & so i have it in me to stick with someone through thick & thin, overcome problems etc. Maybe your like this & i just wish others respected that & knew or know what they got!

cg

[ReluctantRomeo]

with bipolar does this happen alot?

 

Yes.

 

 

will she change her mind again? do you think that she will come back and try to make it work again?

 

Quite probably. Then she'll change her mind again. And again. And again...

 

If you like grief and pain, carry on trying for this girl. Otherwise, move on.

[csfong007]

I have bipolar disorder and unfortunately each case and each person and each relationship is different. Fortunately for me, with meds, I'm under control. But, being in a relationship does have it's frustrations and challenges, although I don't know how much is attributable to my bipolar disorder or just to relationships in general. It took me 10-12 years before I could even be in an intimate relationship.

 

It is admirable that you want to be there for her. But, you also have to take care of yourself. It's unfortunate that she is constantly telling you she wants you and then she doesn't. Like a yo-yo. This can be too difficult to deal with. I think both of you really need to figure out what you want and what you want to do. I think you need to explain to her that bouncing back and forth isn't healthy for your relationship or you.

 

My advice in this situation is to really think of your own needs and wants because only you can take care of yourself.

[sandman911]

thanks for the replie i really like hearing from people about this....so you have bipolar? is it a relly hard thing to deal with....like i said i think she has it she will not admit it or has it been noticed by a doctor...but i have read some books on it and have taken courses in college about it and understand the it somwhat...i think that the steps she is taking to help herself are not the right ones....she needs to be pushed...she only sees a doctor once a month i think she needs to go more....she is on all those meds....i mean this needs to be controled man u know....what is it like having this illness? i mean is the actions described true? does peoples minds change that fast? do you think she will do what she did again to me? should i take her back if she does say she is serious? when can i tell when she is serious?....hey good to hear from ya csfong007 hope to hear from ya again......sandman911

[bysi]

give her sometimes to make up her mind and to let her know what she wants . let her be sure ... but.. usually this kind of people , they cant be single for even a while. because they are so empty inside , insecure .

 

dont contact her too often.. maybe once a week.. then start make it less and less offten... otherwise she will hurt u from time to time ....

 

however , the ball is in your court .... whatever may happen u should be mentally prepared. from my personal experience, i found it is so painful to be with someone whose heart u dont even know ... so unpredictable, no consistency and integrity.

u may be in constant fear of loosing her ... and u may feel so insecure too... just like what i felt with my ex. although i loved him a lot...but i decided whatever may happened in the future...i wouldnt be with him anymore. i still love him until now. but he is so self centered . this kind of people usually only think abt themselves. n they will hurt u... n too bad.. they never realise if they are hurting people around them ...

[sandman911]

i totally understand bysi.....they dont know they are hurting other poeple as well...i wish she would just listen to me and get help...she doesnt even know that anything is wrong...she thinks she is fine and nothing is wrong with her as a person..but to do something like she did there is something wrong....dod u think she will return?....see we dont even talk now so i cant keep the conversations to once a week....she said she didnt wanna talk at all....so if she comes back what should i do u think? just tell her to beat it? or really listen to what she has to say...

[bysi]

she may come / may not come to you one day , but if she does so, u shouldnt accept her unless there is a proven change from time to time.

 

for the time being ... open your self for other. dont think abt her anymore ..

it is better for you to be with someone else who loves u and not always hurt u.

u deserve someone better than her ... trust me. if u let her enter your life, u will question your self from time to time, and u may end up be such an insecure person like her.

it wont do any good.

 

let her learn more abt life, if she still doesnt get the lesson... no matter how good the person she is with ... she will hurt them again n again. u know her better than me, so do u think she will change?

 

i know how u feel , because i think we are in the same situation now.

 

let her "play around " n one day , if she is honest to her self , she will appreciate you . let her feel, what kind of life she has without you , to be with someone who treats her bad. many people dont know how to treasure what they have and they realise it after they lost it. i think she is that type.who will only learn from the hard way.

[someone_here]

dont waste your pain.

 

our feeling is not always right. just get out of this ...

 

based on my personal exp., this kind of people will bring u pain n sadness more than joy.

my ex ever asked for a break up n said he couldnt get over his ex. then we broke up for 3 days after that he said he woudlnt do that again and he said he didnt want to let me go, he said he felt sure that i am the one he loves.. he said i am the best gf he ever had... etc.

that time i forgave him and gave him a second chance.

few months after that he asked for a break up n he said it would be the last time n he said he wouldnt come back to me for good .

 

after all things that happened... i say to my self.. no matter how much i love him, no matter how much i want him back, i would not be with him . if one day he come to me , i may feel something but i wont give him another chance. it is ENOUGH.

 

trust me... dont waste your time, dont waste your energy.. dont waste your pain.. what she has done to you is ENOUGH . you have 100 reasons to leave her...and to move on. She deosnt deserve you.

[sandman911]

thanks somone here...u know u are right..i dont deserve her at all..she did treat me bad towards the end of things....but the hard part is that she was stable when she was with me...and all of a sudden she became this person with the illness....i know the good side of her and what she can be like if she gets this illness under control... i love her to death..but u are right...let it go and find someone that appreciates me for me...it is a lot easier said than done though u know.....i wish life was a lot easier than this....all i want to do is to have a good time through my short rein as a human...but people always seem to want to screw something up for a litle bit...i hope she comes back when she is a ll better..i think... i love her to death and i wish her the best...but we cant even talk she wont allow that...she said we cant have any communication what so ever.....but maybe thats for the better u know...she has to learn the hard way i guess.....shes never been alone always had someone there that cared about her...always a boyfriend around.....its pretty sad i think......but oh well...thanks for the responce i appreciate it alot......