noordinary Posted May 4 Posted May 4 This is gonna be a long and I'm sure highly unusual and entertaining one, everyone, so please bear with me. It might also not be exactly what I'd call jealousy, but you figure it out. I (34M) met my ex on Tinder abroad towards the end of last year. It's probably important to mention although I'd gone on many dates I hadn't done much sexually speaking until then. No one night stands. In fact, I was a virgin. I'm a fairly attractive blue collar fit guy with a focus on nutrition and fitness and traveling, but just never found the person I wanted to lose it to. Nor was I in a rush. I'm aware of how odd it is. This might be relevant for what'll come later. I matched with my ex (34F) and after a date with unusual chemistry, we went back to her place where she told me she'd never had guys over. Fast forward, we ended up sleeping together. What followed was her inviting me to stay at her place the next day. I had nothing to do then, so I left my hotel and went. To sum up, that leads to us traveling together for months, during which time we became extremely close and shared personal stuff about each other. One of the things she shared that I never asked that much about was she'd had a period of one night stands using the app. And, at one point, she confessed she was falling for me. I liked her, but told her repeatedly I wasn't gonna do long distance. Looking back, partly because I wasn't in love. It was clear that she liked me considerably more than I did her. But we were together and wanted to make the best of it. Fast forward more, our goodbye was extremely emotional for her. In fact, as if from a movie scene, someone must have forgot their flash on and took a photo of us hugging outside the airport gate. Her crying incessantly. Myself, I knew that was it and was relatively ok. It didn't take long for me to go back on the apps after leaving, and as good as the experience had been, she knew I'd made it clear I didn't want to pursue anything long distance. We still kept in touch for a couple of weeks including videocalling, with her clearly still in love with me. It was not long before we decided it was not a good idea to stay in touch often as I wasn't on the same page as her and her feelings were too strong. A few months went by without talking, and I've to admit it did bother me she hadn't reached out. I decided to get in touch and tell her that, and she confessed she was gonna reach out but didn't want to bother me. We had a long videochat about what had been going on in our lives, and it didn't take long for me to realize I missed her and start getting all these overwhelming feelings, including if maybe I'd made a mistake pulling away. Fast forward, I'd confessed there was something between us and that I did want to try things out like she'd always wanted. She asked for time to think it through, and then in a highly emotional message said she wanted to be with me. Now it's where everything falls apart. Things went well for a few weeks. We'd made plans to meet next year and be together, and I could sense our commitment was strong. However, her past started to really bother me due to my now strong feelings for her. I kept having a hard time trying to avoid this, and kept ruminating on how many people this seemingly modest and loyal woman had been with. It just started to drive me crazy and I couldn't take it anymore, and we had a long and frank conversation during which she explained her past in detail as per my request. I knew she'd been with a guy from her country in a 4 year relationship. A year living together and 3 long distance, during which she'd told me she was loyal. He'd cheated on her twice, and eventually broke things off with her. She ended up devastated, so went on Tinder to find a husband (she comes from a traditional family and society) She claimed she got tired of being strung along and the nature of the app, so ended up playing the game and hooking up to cope with her depression (she was in a low point in her life) and to experiment as she'd only been with that guy she'd lost it to in her early 20s. In a moment of brutal honesty, I asked, and she hesitantly revealed she'd only used the app for sex, having 30 one night stands in what I assume was a period of a year or more. Predictably, this made me beyond disgusted, especially as she said despite feeling disgusted with some things she didn't regret it. I responded by shaming her and breaking things off as I wouldn't be able to get past it. She said I took advantage of her honesty and vulnerability, bringing up my supposed fears and insecurities, and that her past didn't define her present. I said despite everything I wouldn't want to end on bad terms, but her past was a part of who she was. She disagreed and said in tears she'd have no other choice but to block me, being visibly hurt. As was I. I hung up, and that same night she told me how I was wrong and our values were the same and she was not that person anymore, and how it was easy for me and she'd hate me for a long time. Then proceeded to block me and say she was sad we had to end like this. I just wanted to head your thoughts on this. Our love was mutual, but I just cannot accept her past and her saying she doesn't regret it. I do appreciate her honesty, and she said despite everything she admires me having the courage to end things. I cannot see her the way I did, and I feel our memories are completely tainted. We had a good thing. I don't regret asking what I did, but I feel I committed to someone that didn't really exist. As I told her, it's not so much the number, but the fact it shows her judgment and impulse control.
ShyViolet Posted May 4 Posted May 4 18 minutes ago, noordinary said: As I told her, it's not so much the number, but the fact it shows her judgment and impulse control. There's nothing wrong with you deciding you didn't want to be with her or that you didn't agree with her past choices. But what was totally unnecessary and disrespectful was the way you shamed her and acted judgmental and condescending about it. Some people do have one night stands or engage in casual sex. It's a choice and it has nothing to do with "impulse control." Your holier than thou attitude is pretty disrespectful. Let's look at how you treated this woman. When you had your first in-person fling with her, or relationship, whatever you want to call it, you knew that you didn't feel as strongly about her as she did about you. You said you weren't in love with her and weren't interested in continuing the relationship once you left. She eventually went no-contact in order to get over her feelings and move on. You then decide to pull her back in and tell her you wanted to be with her, only to turn around and break her heart a second time with this judgmental, condescending BS. You treated this woman horribly and she is smart to block you.
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