IrinaM Posted May 11 Posted May 11 On 5/6/2025 at 9:36 PM, jerrygordon3 said: But I still pay all the bills. For instance- this morning I paid our marketing ads, our marketing/ socials guy, or product and color order. And paid our rent. The reason you pay all that stuff is because it's your business, it's "100% in your name." Apparently the business isn't profitable, but since it's your business, it's your job to figure out how to make it profitable. I'm not sure why you're trying to learn how to day trade when you own an unprofitable business. 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 11 Author Posted May 11 On 5/7/2025 at 9:57 AM, BaileyB said: I think you need to respect yourself before she will respect you. You seem to think that you can buy her respect - by paying all the bills, financing the business, and doing the chores. I would feel a lot of resentment towards a man who has set the relationship in such a way where he wants to take care of me and then expects me to show my gratitude - particularly if what he expects is sex. She is not affectionate with you because there is a lot of resentment here - you can sense it in her comments about the laundry and the time you spend day trading. And just how exactly does it take you five years to working full time hours to learn how to day trade - such that you are just now starting to make a little cash? This makes no sense - about as much sense as the decision to invest in her business at your own expense. Any business that took five years before turning a profit would be out of business because the proprietor is not a very good businessman. You obviously don’t know much about day trading. It’s one of the hardest things to learn to do. Some of the best traders took 5-10 years to make income from it. But once you do, it’s unlimited. It’s not just “learning” it’s much more in depth than that. It’s like learning mandarin and then using it to complete probabilities equations every 30 seconds. Pulling on thousands of memories and experiences to define probabilities as the trade you are in, is always changing. And saying that one isn’t a good businessman is like saying someone who takes 10 years to finish medical school and finish their residency is stupid. People in America spend 100k to get a 4-5 year degree and make minimum wage- yet it’s looked at like the “ American dream”. Better save up for your kids college. I have my degrees. Working for someone else isn’t my thing, did it for 15 years. And I’m well off enough to have retired before 40. I don’t think I’m buying my wife. I think we both bring things to the table and both have needs. I don’t want to be married to a grumpy asexual woman who doesn’t seem to respect me. Women are funny. They say they want to be supported, listened to, a man with emotional depth. But in my experience most time I’ve been vulnerable or emotionally malleable I’ve been pushed around until I set hard boundaries. The boundaries are - I have plenty to offer and am respectful, nice, easy going, take care of myself, and am financially stable. My requirements are- be the same. My wife, is most of those things. But she is stubborn, fast as hell to cop an attitude, and pretty much has zero desire for physical touch. We’ve all read the book the 4 love languages… mine is physical. Hers is not, at all. Bailey, your messages aren’t helpful. To the married people out there I’m wondering how to create intimacy in a relationship with a woman who seems to just be checked out. Looks at intimacy like a chore ( not just sex, but even cuddling and playfulness). secondly, is it so unheard of to state that I have human needs, like getting laid. Getting physical touch? Do most men just decide that it must be a normal sacrifice in a relationship. I know that it isn’t. I know some couples have a spicy marriage. I’m not interested in being a 50 year old man that is just another dude that’s chalked up a 99% decrease in sex to the normal marriage dynamic.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 11 Author Posted May 11 4 hours ago, IrinaM said: The reason you pay all that stuff is because it's your business, it's "100% in your name." Apparently the business isn't profitable, but since it's your business, it's your job to figure out how to make it profitable. I'm not sure why you're trying to learn how to day trade when you own an unprofitable business. Absolutely right. We’ve argued about it. I started trading in 2020. Due to Bali laws I am not allowed to physically be inside / involved with the business. My visa is strictly as an investor- and as she needs to work there because she’s a bad ass hair dresser, she needed a working visa. Someone holding a working visa cannot sign on the dotted line when starting a business in bali. The laws here are crazy. People have been arrested and deported for trying to shortcut these things. I would never take the business away from my wife. I want to see her super successful regardless of what happens to us. If we break it off, I would want to wait until she could support herself from business profits. I wouldn’t take any money from her. Ya it was 75k invested on my side but, I’d chalk it up to a loss.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 11 Author Posted May 11 On 5/6/2025 at 6:17 AM, basil67 said: It's not the 20th century anymore. Coercing someone (even a partner) into sex is not OK, and she is allowed to say no. And she's allowed to get shitty over your coersion. Time for a decision. You can stay in this situation of supporting a wife who doesn't desire you sexually, or you can end this marriage. Or you can seek a divorce and help her travel back to whatever country she'd prefer to live in. It’s hard to think my wife doesn’t like me or desire me. She just seems… hateful. I see it in how she treats her mom too. They have history so I get it. But she’s just so high strung and snappy. And like I said it seems like she resents me. And that every hour of everyday she can do what she wants when she’s off work and I’m fine with that. But like if she wants to be left alone all day on her day off. It didn’t used to be like that. Before we were married we’d come home to each other and we’d be cute and cuddly and playful and spicy. We were excited to have each other. Now it just seems like she’d rather not have me there. And honestly I feel the same. She’s been off work for two days and she’s so hard to be around I just want to be alone. She’s so easily agitated. So breaking down this wall of aggravation and anger. It’s just not seemingly possible. She’s sort of a major b*tch. I don’t call her that but damn. She doesn’t see it and i can’t seem to get her TO see it. Like if I try and say like, hey chill out, you’re going from 0-100. Why are you so strung out. It would definitely start a fight. She also cries a lot. And I usually grab her and tell her I love her, we’re on the same side. Let’s talk about why you’re upset ( sometimes it’s me). and I will say my big downfall as a partner is I’ve perfected the horrible behavior or leaving. I’ve had some bad relationships. And it’s too easy for me now to say things like, I’m done. Just leave. Go stay with a friend. I’m done arguing. You just talk over me anyways. like I definitely have made her feel at times that I’m getting fed up with her behavior. I’ve warned her I’m getting over it. We’ve talked about alternatives. It really upsets her. I know in these moments she does love me. But then she goes back so easily to being a grumpy snappy woman. It’s been such a massive point of contention for me when we have our arguements that I’ve started opting for keeping silent and telling her to go stay with a friend.
ShyViolet Posted May 11 Posted May 11 3 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: To the married people out there I’m wondering how to create intimacy in a relationship with a woman who seems to just be checked out. Looks at intimacy like a chore ( not just sex, but even cuddling and playfulness). You can't "create" that with someone who is not interested and doesn't want it. If you're not happy in this marriage then your choice is to leave. You can't make someone else want something that they do not want. 3
Els Posted May 11 Posted May 11 9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: secondly, is it so unheard of to state that I have human needs, like getting laid. Getting physical touch? Where did you get the idea that having sex whenever you feel like it regardless of how the other person feels is a "human need"? The entitlement is mind-blowing. 9 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: I know some couples have a spicy marriage I guarantee you that these couples are also having sex when both (operative word being BOTH) people want to have sex. They are no different from your wife in that aspect. No relationship that is based on one-sided sex will have a good long term sex life. The main difference between them and you is that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't feel that desire for you. I wonder why that could be?
basil67 Posted May 11 Posted May 11 10 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: It’s hard to think my wife doesn’t like me or desire me. She just seems… hateful. I see it in how she treats her mom too. They have history so I get it. But she’s just so high strung and snappy. And like I said it seems like she resents me. Of course she resents you. You dragged her away from her homeland against her will, and to the other side of the earth. Yes, I get that you were concerned for her safety in Ukraine, but you took away her choice.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 12 Author Posted May 12 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Of course she resents you. You dragged her away from her homeland against her will, and to the other side of the earth. Yes, I get that you were concerned for her safety in Ukraine, but you took away her choice. For like the tenth time I didn’t drag anyone away. And this isn’t the Ukrainian. She’s Australian and we met here in BALI. Her dream place to live is BALI. We live in BALI. She is Australian. I would rather be closer to America. Her mom is here visiting right now from Australia- a 3 hour flight away. as for the Ukrainian we left together because our city WAS GETTING BOMBED BY RUSSIANS.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 12 Author Posted May 12 7 hours ago, Els said: Where did you get the idea that having sex whenever you feel like it regardless of how the other person feels is a "human need"? The entitlement is mind-blowing. I guarantee you that these couples are also having sex when both (operative word being BOTH) people want to have sex. They are no different from your wife in that aspect. No relationship that is based on one-sided sex will have a good long term sex life. The main difference between them and you is that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't feel that desire for you. I wonder why that could be? Ok, so let’s take sex out of the equation. I am a good husband. My wife is a good wife. But she is on edge, angry, grumpy, and just generally hateful towards me. It doesn’t seem to matter what efforts I have made from my end this seems to just be her baseline. She’s the same way toward her mom. Around other friends she’s cute and fun and all that. Around me and her mom she’s like.. idk her true self? so let’s look at the outliers- 30-40% of the time she’s in a good mood. But when she is home she’s happy just sitting on her phone and being left alone. She gets obviously uncomfortable if I try and cuddle her. She doesn’t seem to love me anymore. She seems completely justified in her hatred or uninterest in me. But I support us so I think that’s why she stays. And if we break up our business is absolutely f***ed and we lose our entire investment.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 12 Author Posted May 12 On 5/11/2025 at 5:11 AM, Els said: Wow. Just... wow. Why don't you free this poor woman already and just pay escorts? Serious question. What a shame to hear that you're Australian. Did you flee your country because of DV/coercive control charges? Because your behavior and attitude sure sounds a lot like it. She’s Australian- I’m American. thanks for the feedback. Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 12 Author Posted May 12 Just now, jerrygordon3 said: She’s Australian- I’m American. thanks for the feedback. Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…? “Serious question”
Author jerrygordon3 Posted May 12 Author Posted May 12 On 5/5/2025 at 9:14 AM, Gebidozo said: A relationship is not a struggle for power or a competition. What does it matter whether you argued back or not? The bottom line is that your wife has clearly lost her feelings for you. If you’re worried about being “cucked” or emasculated or humiliated, the most dignified and manly thing to do would be to set your wife free. For every couple that has fallen out of love, yes. Not for couples that have mutual love and attraction and work together on keeping their sex life pleasurable. I think that you’re looking at this wrong. If a wife thinks she should kiss and cuddle and have sex, then we’d have a problem. Would you really want to be with a woman who does these things because she should? The idea is to be with a woman who wants to do these things with you. Your wife has sent you a clear message that she doesn’t. This is helpful information. Thank you. It’s just tough processing everything. Is it me? Is it her? Is it 50/50. Are we just worn for each other? Do we need therapy? She seems like she’s resented me for our entire marriage and it’s just getting worse. After arguments she voices her needs. I voice mine. She tends to scoff at mine or acknowledge that she doesn’t try to give me what I want. I say I’ve tried to meet her needs ( be more emotional, be more present, be more supportive- I bring up instances where I think I have been- she says it’s not enough- I’m left wondering how to make this woman happy because nothing seems to be working. All the while she says I don’t want to give you what you want if I’m not getting what I want… so I try again, and it circles back a month later with the same conversation and the same dynamic. Me not getting what I want because she’s not getting what she wants. Me then trying to solve the riddle, not getting what I want in hopes that I’ll crack the code and make her happy and my desire for love and intimacy will be matched… but i never can crack the code, and so the dynamic persists- me trying to fix the problem seemingly uneventfully, and waiting for the day when I can make her happy and get her to stop resenting me.
Sanch62 Posted May 12 Posted May 12 (edited) 40 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…? I'd encourage her to get away from the guy, just as I've encouraged you to do the same. This doesn't require you to divorce her. You can seek legal counsel and separate. If you want to stick around and be mistreated by someone with zero interest in saving your relationship, that's up to you. But it makes no sense to believe that someone can offer you some magic formula to make someone else want what they don't want. Edited May 12 by Sanch62 1
MsJayne Posted May 12 Posted May 12 On 5/7/2025 at 11:36 AM, jerrygordon3 said: She’s immediately snarky about it and makes offhand comments about me doing another favor for her? Now her behaviour makes sense. This right here's your problem. Something in the way you interact with her comes across to her as you constantly reminding her that she should feel indebted and obliged, and by doing that you're belittling her. You shouldn't be doing that, you're behaviour's manipulative and she sees that and is justifiably resentful. Own it, admit that you've created a power imbalance and you rudely keep reminding her of it, and apologise. Relationships aren't a business transaction with a balance sheet, it's a team of two equal people working together regardless of how much money you've each tipped in to a common goal. Try going a whole two weeks without guilt-tripping her and see if things improve a little. Without meaning to be rude, you come across as being quite full of yourself about your early retirement status, and maybe she finds you to be a bit of a bore. That's a sexual turn off in itself. 3
basil67 Posted May 12 Posted May 12 7 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: hanks for the feedback. Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…? Thank you for explaining to me that this is a new partner. I apologise for getting it wrong. If the roles were flipped, I would suggest that she has more money than sense. She should stop paying for him and recognise that she can't buy love, respect or affection. And as he no longer has any love for her, she should and cut her losses. And no matter what the gender, it's not OK to ask someone to have sex with you when they have already said that they don't want it. On 5/11/2025 at 9:03 PM, jerrygordon3 said: Now it just seems like she’d rather not have me there. And honestly I feel the same. She’s been off work for two days and she’s so hard to be around I just want to be alone. She’s so easily agitated. So breaking down this wall of aggravation and anger. It’s just not seemingly possible. She’s sort of a major b*tch. I don’t call her that but damn. She doesn’t see it and i can’t seem to get her TO see it. Like if I try and say like, hey chill out, you’re going from 0-100. Why are you so strung out. It would definitely start a fight. She also cries a lot. And I usually grab her and tell her I love her, we’re on the same side. Let’s talk about why you’re upset ( sometimes it’s me). Reading this description of your marriage, I think it's easy to see why she doesn't want sex. And given how you feel about her, I'm surprised that you want sex with her 2
BaileyB Posted May 12 Posted May 12 (edited) 8 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. If the roles were reversed, I would tell her the same thing - this was a very unwise thing to do. I love my husband, but he is not entitled to the assets that I have worked my entire life to achieve. we have built a home together, but we maintain our own individual assets and inheritance. We have a legal document that confirms that. You are in a difficult situation now because as was said above, you have more money that good sense. You went into this marriage and this business with your head in the clouds - and now, you are learning that was a mistake. I don’t know what’s going on with your wife, but something is going on and it’s really serious. Maybe she is depressed? She obviously has a lot of resentment towards you - maybe the whole situation? I would say the fact that she treats her mother badly should have been a huge red flag for you… but now, you have got some decisions to make and it’s not going to be easy. You are hoping that you can influence a positive solution here but your wife is giving you every clue that she is not interested - My advice is that you get yourself a lawyer and accountant to educate yourself on how you untangle from this situation as best you can should the day come that it becomes truly untenable. Edited May 12 by BaileyB 1
Sanch62 Posted May 12 Posted May 12 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: My advice is that you get yourself a lawyer and accountant to educate yourself on how you untangle from this situation as best you can should the day come that it becomes truly untenable. Yes, and if you believe that you can't liberate yourself financially, rethink your choice to gamble as your new 'job,' and find one that actually pays. Consider how ridiculous it sounds for someone to say, "I'm trapped with a hostile partner because I play slot machines all day, and after years I'm just starting to see a payoff." Uhm, no, you struck one jackpot that has returned a fraction of what you've spent on playing games. Find work that actually pays a salary, and use those funds to live somewhere else and find a better partner. 1 1
BaileyB Posted May 12 Posted May 12 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: Yes, and if you believe that you can't liberate yourself financially, rethink your choice to gamble as your new 'job,' and find one that actually pays. Absolutely. You can afford to play the markets if you have enough money to support yourself while you do so… but, you made the decision to invest your financial stability in a business run by your new wife - There is the possible end of the marriage to deal with here… but then, there is also the fact that you made a very poor financial decision that puts you at significant risk - Time to make some smarter decisions for yourself and that includes educating yourself about the legal and financial implications of ending this marriage and selling/dissolving the business. Edited May 12 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted May 12 Posted May 12 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: Consider how ridiculous it sounds for someone to say, "I'm trapped with a hostile partner because I play slot machines all day, and after years I'm just starting to see a payoff." Add to that - I gave her a ton of money to start a business and I apparently still pay all of her expenses… In other words, I have few options because I very generously and rather naively gave her everything that I worked so hard to earn… Edited May 12 by BaileyB 1
Sanch62 Posted May 12 Posted May 12 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Add to that - I gave her a ton of money to start a business and I apparently still pay all of her expenses… In other words, I have few options because I very generously and rather naively gave her everything that I worked so hard to earn… Right, so either it's a business that can sustain itself, or it's a 'hobby' you keep paying for with your retirement income. A financial advisor can help you determine the difference and offer strategies for either walking away and allowing the business to thrive on it's own and repay you over time, or dissolving the business and using your income to support yourself instead of your wife's hobby. 1
Acacia98 Posted May 12 Posted May 12 On 5/11/2025 at 1:49 PM, jerrygordon3 said: I don’t think I’m buying my wife. I think we both bring things to the table and both have needs. I don’t want to be married to a grumpy asexual woman who doesn’t seem to respect me. Women are funny. They say they want to be supported, listened to, a man with emotional depth. But in my experience most time I’ve been vulnerable or emotionally malleable I’ve been pushed around until I set hard boundaries. The boundaries are - I have plenty to offer and am respectful, nice, easy going, take care of myself, and am financially stable. My requirements are- be the same. My wife, is most of those things. But she is stubborn, fast as hell to cop an attitude, and pretty much has zero desire for physical touch. We’ve all read the book the 4 love languages… mine is physical. Hers is not, at all. Bailey, your messages aren’t helpful. To the married people out there I’m wondering how to create intimacy in a relationship with a woman who seems to just be checked out. Looks at intimacy like a chore ( not just sex, but even cuddling and playfulness). secondly, is it so unheard of to state that I have human needs, like getting laid. Getting physical touch? Do most men just decide that it must be a normal sacrifice in a relationship. I know that it isn’t. I know some couples have a spicy marriage. I’m not interested in being a 50 year old man that is just another dude that’s chalked up a 99% decrease in sex to the normal marriage dynamic. The thing is, you're not married to "women." You're married to this specific woman, flaws and all. And the other women you've been in relationships with have been specific women with their particular flaws. If it's your experience that the relationships you get into do not work particularly well, it's not sufficient to focus on the women's flaws. At some point, you have to ask yourself why you tend to be attracted to women who turn out to be a bad fit for you. Are there red flags early in the relationships that should give you pause? Do you recognize those red flags for what they are? Do you ignore them? It takes two people to make a relationship work, and you can't control the other person's part, but you can control yours. You can change what you do and see if it gets you better results (relationships with women who are truly compatible with you in the ways that matter or the capacity to extricate yourself from bad matches quickly). You understand that it's not your job to fix the other person, right? If you've genuinely tried everything reasonable that you can do (that includes attempts to get counselling) and she remains resentful of you and apparently unattracted to you, your best bet is to end the relationship. Sex is an important part of most romantic relationships. It's perfectly reasonable to want to be in a sexual relationship and to want the person you're with to want to be with you. But that's not something that can be forced. If she's decided that sex is off the table for her, you're mismatched. Let her go. 15 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…? Personally, I would never advice anyone, male or female, to spend all their money on supporting their spouse. A healthy balance is ideal. Yes, by all means, support your spouse. But don't sacrifice your well-being in the process. Go into marriage (and into business) with the mindset that you're going to do your best but it might not work out: take precautions, have a safety net.
Els Posted May 12 Posted May 12 16 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: She’s Australian- I’m American. thanks for the feedback. Apparently I’m the problem. I just think if the roles were flipped all you girls on her would be on her side. If she spent all her money and supported her husband and funded his business. He came home and wanted to constantly just be left alone. Never initiated sex or intimacy, and showed no interest to his wife. Was off and on hostile and grumpy as hell towards her. Would you not be saying how toxic he is etc etc…? Is it your business or hers? You made several posts stating that the business is "100% in your name" and how screwed she would apparently be if you left, so which is it? Because if you are legitimately the sole business owner, you are funding YOUR OWN business. Mind you, none of this truly matters. I'm only pointing this out to demonstrate that you keep contradicting yourself and changing your story. You keep coming up with comments that are frankly misogynistic, coercive, and psychopathic, and then flipping to "poor ol' me, all I want is love" in your next post. You need a psychologist and a therapist. And you need them yesterday. While we do what we can, you're honestly way beyond any of our pay grades. There's too much going on here, most notably the question of why do you not just leave? If your wife was as terrible as you make her out to be (and considering the rest of your comments I sincerely doubt that she is, but let's go with that for now), just leave already. Your choice to stay, to keep hounding her for sex she doesn't want, to keep arguing with her and then telling her to stay at her friend's place (?!), to keep telling her that she's wrong for only wanting to have sex that she wants... is both self-sabotaging and abusive, and yes it's possible to be both at the same time. I doubt anything will change after this thread, though. 3
ShyViolet Posted May 14 Posted May 14 (edited) On 5/12/2025 at 12:04 AM, jerrygordon3 said: I am a good husband. My wife is a good wife. But she is on edge, angry, grumpy, and just generally hateful towards me. How is this a good wife??? On 5/12/2025 at 12:04 AM, jerrygordon3 said: She doesn’t seem to love me anymore. She seems completely justified in her hatred or uninterest in me. But I support us so I think that’s why she stays. And if we break up our business is absolutely f***ed and we lose our entire investment. Does it honestly makes sense to you to stay in a miserable marriage with a woman who acts hateful most of the time and doesn't love you anymore, just to avoid letting a business break up? You're making absolutely no sense. You obviously made a mistake investing in this business with her. That was a foolish thing to do. Now you're going to have to own up to your mistake, let go of the business, take the loss, move forward and rebuild. All you seem to want to do is keep repeating over and over how much she hates you and how miserable the relationship is all the time, but you're choosing to do nothing to change the situation. Edited May 14 by ShyViolet 2
Sanch62 Posted May 14 Posted May 14 16 hours ago, ShyViolet said: All you seem to want to do is keep repeating over and over how much she hates you and how miserable the relationship is all the time, but you're choosing to do nothing to change the situation. Yes, and asking for ways to manipulate your wife into complying with your wants and needs is a dead-ender. Your lawyer or financial analyst can give you options you haven't fathomed to get out of this problem. Seek out that kind of advice, and then you'll have real options rather than trying to operate on emotions alone.
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