I feel like a forgotten housewife

[jerrygordon3]

Except I’m a man. I’m a man that stays home all day all week long while my wife is at her business. A business I bought her. I also pay all our bills. But even before we opened the business the problem was the same. She’s never really in the mood for almost any form of intimacy. Never initiates it either. Always has an excuse. She’s just not a lovey touchy person. When we argue she has seemingly reconfirmed my role is informally to be there for her and support her. This isn’t what I planned for my life. I’ve taken risks, traveled the world, bought real estate, and retired at 38. Now I’m a stay at home support system. My needs are not a priority at all. And it’s been confirmed and reconfirmed that my emotional role in the relationship is just to be a stay at home, supportive, cucked husband. She doesn’t meet me halfway. Prioritize my needs. She doesn’t seem to think I’d ever leave her. Like I’m just a wallet that needs to shut up and stay at home and be there for her emotionally and don’t pressure her and give her her space whenever she needs it and if I push her for intimacy or sex I’m “ gaslighting her” or being selfish. If I leave her she won’t be able to survive and I’ll lose my/ our business. I won’t be able to leave her and also support both of us, pay the bills for the business and also make enough from the business that she will be able to support herself from the business. We just opened our business 1 month ago and I hope she starts making good money soon so she can support herself.  I want to be with someone that wants me and desires me and appreciates me. I just feel like a household pet. She mentioned the other day she wonders if it would be easier for her to just do this all on her own and be able to come home to her own house. And I’m thinking- you mean me supporting you emotionally, and financially, paying all our bills, and paying for your business to be built ? It would be easier for you to do that alone? She can’t. She can’t do any of it alone. I’ve supplied almost 100% of the funds to make this lifestyle even possible. Yes she works there and works very very hard. But I can’t afford to build myself a business and also be out working every day because I spent literally all of my savings building her her salon. And she thinks it would be easier doing it all alone? The absolute audacity. I’ve noticed I’ve become completely cucked in this relationship cause I let her say that to me and didn’t even argue back. Because I know after every argument she’s always right, and the reason she acts the way she does is because of me not doing enough or supporting her enough. I’m at a loss. I’m torn between understanding if I’m just expecting too much out of a busy wife who is stressed. Is this just marriage. Does the sex life die out for every couple? Are all wife’s so selfish they can’t even think about “ hey I should kiss and cuddle and have sex with my man”. Because he needs it, wants it, wants to feel wanted…. 
 

Or am I right to feel this way. Should I sell the business and kick her out to fend for herself and let her go back to being an employee and sell the business to the lowest bidder. Or do I just wait until she’s profitable enough to pay herself a wage and she can pay me back my investment over time. I honestly don’t know what to do but sitting around all day everyday forever being in this hyper auppprtive role where my needs are completely neglected. I wanted more for myself. 
 

I want to close by saying I do think my wife really really loves me. But I just think she’s so self righteous she thinks my needs are selfish and now that we are married it’s just all about her. 

[basil67]

Jerrygordon, you've been complaining about your wife/former girlfriend or as long as I can remember, and this is just one more for the books.  Question is: do you love her enough to overlook her behaviour, or did you make a big mistake and need to divorce?   

[BaileyB]

basil hit the nail on the head. 

Wouldn’t it be incredibly ironic if you supported her to build a business such that she could support herself and didn’t need you anymore… because, that seems to be where this is headed. She has already said it. 

Look - if you don’t protect yourself financially, nobody else will. This talk of “love” and “sex” seems out of place when she is literally laughing all the way to the bank, using your money to finance her own ambitions. 

I would say, a series of incredibly poor decisions has led you to this point - you will need to do the hard thing to get yourself out of this situation. 

[Sanch62]

What prevents you from getting your own job and living your days as you see fit?

She may not 'like' it, but that's too bad. She's in no position to tell you what you can or cannot do.

[Els]

15 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Does the sex life die out for every couple? Are all wife’s so selfish they can’t even think about “ hey I should kiss and cuddle and have sex with my man”.

No, not for every couple. Many of us have good sex lives. 

But if you think there's absolutely nothing wrong with this statement (a person who only kisses, cuddles, and has sex with their partner because they think they "should"), then you are exponentially more likely to be in the dead bedroom demographic. People with good sex lives typically put in the effort to make their partner WANT to have sex with them, rather than just sitting around all day expecting that they "should".

You should absolutely leave your wife. You clearly think that sex is a transaction - you pay the bills, person has sex with you. This sort of mentality is far better suited for being a customer of escorts than for a long term relationship... so if that's what you want, you should leave and do that.

I think you might be sorely mistaken about what would happen to your wife when you do leave, though. I'm not sure how long you've been married, but in most jurisdictions she's going to be at the very least entitled to half of all assets gained during that period. Which includes the business.

 

Edited May 4 by Els

[basil67]

15 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Are all wife’s so selfish they can’t even think about “ hey I should kiss and cuddle and have sex with my man”.

I would say this is standard for all wives who don't really like their husbands.  Nobody wants to have sex with someone they don't like. 

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I’ve noticed I’ve become completely cucked in this relationship cause I let her say that to me and didn’t even argue back.

A relationship is not a struggle for power or a competition. What does it matter whether you argued back or not? The bottom line is that your wife has clearly lost her feelings for you. If you’re worried about being “cucked” or emasculated or humiliated, the most dignified and manly thing to do would be to set your wife free.

 

18 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Does the sex life die out for every couple?

For every couple that has fallen out of love, yes. Not for couples that have mutual love and attraction and work together on keeping their sex life pleasurable.

 

18 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Are all wife’s so selfish they can’t even think about “ hey I should kiss and cuddle and have sex with my man”.

I think that you’re looking at this wrong. If a wife thinks she should kiss and cuddle and have sex, then we’d have a problem. Would you really want to be with a woman who does these things because she should? The idea is to be with a woman who wants to do these things with you. Your wife has sent you a clear message that she doesn’t.

 

 

 

Edited May 5 by Gebidozo

[MsJayne]

22 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

Should I sell the business and kick her out to fend for herself and let her go back to being an employee and sell the business to the lowest bidder. 

Yes, you’re just feathering her future nest. I read your previous posts, I suspect this woman married you for money. That’s why the sex died out, she had to put out to reel you in, but now she’s got your wallet where she wants it she doesn’t need to use that manipulation tactic any more. I’d wait ‘til the business gets going and you can get your investment back and then I’d whip the rug from under her. Let her get a business loan from a bank to pay you back if she wants to keep it, and show no mercy. If she’s asexual she should have told you that before she married you, but then you wouldn’t have married her, would you? The other reason she may be turned off is if you’re abusive towards her, but it doesn’t sound like you are, just sounds like you’re frustrated out of your mind. Stop deluding yourself and see her for the personality type that she is before she rips you off big time. I suggest being very careful and stealthy in how you go about ending it and getting your money back if that’s what you decide to do. Best of luck. 

[basil67]

@jerrygordon3  Going back to the start of this, your wife was a Ukrainian bride, so this was always going to be a financial proposition for her.  Love and ongoing sexual attraction was never going to be part of the equation.

If you're going to break up with her, at least allow her to go home if she wants.

[Acacia98]

On 5/4/2025 at 9:32 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

I want to close by saying I do think my wife really really loves me. But I just think she’s so self righteous she thinks my needs are selfish and now that we are married it’s just all about her. 

I'm sorry, but this is not what love looks like.

I'm not sure why you invested all your savings in her business, but that was a risky move. It would still have been a risky and ill-advised move if she was the most loving wife in the world.

First things first: you need to figure out how to secure your financial situation. I strongly recommend that you get legal advice about how things would stand if you were to file for divorce.

Edited May 5 by Acacia98

[jerrygordon3]

This isn’t the Ukrainian. I left her 3+ years ago. And the business is 100% in my name. And we live in Bali. She’s Australian, I’m American. I feel like I’ve created a safe place for her. I pay the bills and am a loving caring husband. I feel like she sleeps with me only when she absolutely wants to and it’s so hard to grt her to that mental place. So I’m left wanting and feeling neglected. I’m super sexual, she’s not… at all. And she just doesn’t make an effort to fulfill my needs. Apparently me trying to sleep with her once a day is “selfish” 

[jerrygordon3]

1 minute ago, jerrygordon3 said:

This isn’t the Ukrainian. I left her 3+ years ago. And the business is 100% in my name. And we live in Bali. She’s Australian, I’m American. I feel like I’ve created a safe place for her. I pay the bills and am a loving caring husband. I feel like she sleeps with me only when she absolutely wants to and it’s so hard to grt her to that mental place. So I’m left wanting and feeling neglected. I’m super sexual, she’s not… at all. And she just doesn’t make an effort to fulfill my needs. Apparently me trying to sleep with her once a day is “selfish” 

Also the business was a dual choice by both of us, she has a skill set that has the potential to make great money here- she’s a star hairdresser. She’s absolutely killed it in her industry. I admire her work ethic but she’s just burnt out when she gets home. But this problem started almost as soon as we got married. The sex just died 

[jerrygordon3]

16 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

What prevents you from getting your own job and living your days as you see fit?

She may not 'like' it, but that's too bad. She's in no position to tell you what you can or cannot do.

I have a pension. It’s pretty good for an American living in Bali. I also day trade. That IS my job. I won’t say it’s going well, it’s not an easy thing to learn. But I don’t lose money doing it. I do however day trade 4-6 hours per day, go to the gym. And enjoy an early retired life. It’s not bad. But my only intimate connection I have is obviously with my partner. And she’s just not a sexual person. We’re in so many ways great friends. We get along great for the most part. But I do know she never initiates sex and almost is never in the mood and me pressuring her even if it’s 2 days a week ends in an argument. I just want to feel desired and wanted. In all my relationships the sex has been 50/50 30/70 at times. They come on to me, initiate, or make it a somewhat priority. But not my wife. She’s so damn stubborn about it. She spent half the day today crying because we had another argument about it. She says “ it doesn’t seem like either of us is ever able to meet each others needs”… but I feel like she never tries or shows me that she desires me, and I try to be present and emotionally there for her. I know I’m not amazing at that, but still I try. She doesn’t try for me. So it feels like it’s just all about her feelings/ needs… when we argue about it she acknowledges that she struggles to want to be intimate with me. She just doesn’t ever seem to “ think about sex or want it”. 

[MsJayne]

I smell incompatibility and co-dependence. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I feel like she sleeps with me only when she absolutely wants to

I hope this is a typo or some kind of a joke?

Or are you really implying that your wife should sleep with you when she doesn’t want to?

As I’ve told you already, you’re looking wrong at this whole sex thing. You see it as her duty to you because you need it. But it doesn’t work that way. If sex isn’t pleasurable to one of the partners, they can’t force themselves to do it.

If she isn’t a “sexual person” in general, as you say, why did you marry her in spite of such a glaring incompatibility? Or perhaps she is just not very sexual with you?

Edited May 5 by Gebidozo

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would say this is standard for all wives who don't really like their husbands.  Nobody wants to have sex with someone they don't like. 

Not only doesn’t like, but also doesn’t respect. How can one have respect for a man who has no boundaries - a man who has such little self respect that he would hand over his hard earned money until he has nothing left to support himself or pursue his own interest. That’s not a marriage - that’s a very unbalanced financial arrangement. It’s a woman who clearly has no problem taking advantage of a man. To then expect that this woman is going to want to show affection…The premise of the entire relationship seems like it was set as “everything for her.” You were really hoping that she was in turn going to feel some affection, if not at least obligation, to you. But sadly, it doesn’t seem that she does. So now what do you do? 

Edited May 5 by BaileyB

[Sanch62]

7 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I have a pension. It’s pretty good for an American living in Bali. I also day trade. That IS my job. I won’t say it’s going well, it’s not an easy thing to learn. But I don’t lose money doing it. I do however day trade 4-6 hours per day, go to the gym. And enjoy an early retired life.

Okay, then it's not as though you're somehow tied to your home taking care of small children or any other obligation to be where you don't want to be. So go do something else, or do what you're doing somewhere else that pleases you.

It makes no sense to sit in a cage of your own making and then complain that you're stuck in a cage.

Make a better choice for yourself and let the chips fall with wife. You don't need to divorce her, but characterizing yourself as some captive victim because you can't negotiate or manipulate your wife into behaving as you wish is just self-imposed misery.

It's a decision.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

I feel like I’ve created a safe place for her. I pay the bills and am a loving caring husband. I feel like she sleeps with me only when she absolutely wants to and it’s so hard to get her to that mental place.

To put it mildly, you are not sexually compatible with this woman. That is very obvious.

It’s not hard to understand why she is not interested in sex. This kind of dynamic has existed for generations where men feel that the woman should be beholden for the fact that they have provided financially for the wife/family. That kind of power dynamic is not generally conducive to mutually enjoyable sex. 

I would suggest that it’s only a matter of time before this relationship ends. The only question then becomes - how much of the money that you have invested in supporting her and building her business does she get to keep? 

[ShyViolet]

You say the business opened only one month ago, and you sunk your life savings into it.  This makes no sense.... why did you so recently make such a decision if the marriage is so bad?  Surely a marriage doesn't turn this bad overnight.  Why did you entangle your finances with her so much and sink your life savings into this?  Sounds like a really bad decision.

Running this business isn't the only option.  Let her get a JOB to support herself.  You sound miserable in this marriage and should absolutely leave.  

[basil67]

14 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

and me pressuring her even if it’s 2 days a week ends in an argument.

It's not the 20th century anymore.  Coercing someone (even a partner) into sex is not OK, and she is allowed to say no.  And she's allowed to get shitty over your coersion.  

Time for a decision.  You can stay in this situation of supporting a wife who doesn't desire you sexually, or you can end this marriage.  Or you can seek a divorce and help her travel back to whatever country she'd prefer to live in.  

[IrinaM]

On 5/4/2025 at 2:32 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

I’m a man that stays home all day all week long while my wife is at her business. A business I bought her.

 

21 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

And the business is 100% in my name.

 

On 5/4/2025 at 2:32 AM, jerrygordon3 said:

Should I sell the business and kick her out to fend for herself and let her go back to being an employee

I'm confused. From what you describe she already is an employee, as this business belongs to you but she's working all day at it.

The story of your finances/retirement/owning a business/day trading/wife is a hairdresser/you're so wealthy you retired 30+ years early but also can't afford to get divorced-- this really doesn't all make sense. And so that makes it difficult to understand what the problem is.

[jerrygordon3]

20 hours ago, IrinaM said:

 

 

I'm confused. From what you describe she already is an employee, as this business belongs to you but she's working all day at it.

The story of your finances/retirement/owning a business/day trading/wife is a hairdresser/you're so wealthy you retired 30+ years early but also can't afford to get divorced-- this really doesn't all make sense. And so that makes it difficult to understand what the problem is.

That’s a good point. The marriage isn’t terrible. But she does get really snappy and grumpy with me/ says no almost always to sex. And doesn’t seem to need passion or intimacy. It’s been like this literally since we got married. She’s always dressed it up to some reason ( tired/ mad/ depressed/ just ate). I hear that’s normal in a marriage. But does sex drive just die off for your husbands? The thing I really came here for is to understand why a wife just doesn’t seem to have any sexual desire for her man. 
 

 

as far as the house wife comment I made- half of this is probably my own insecurities. We both worked hard to save up money for this business. I saved like 75-80k and she saved 20ish. I also have a pension that supports us. We spent all our money opening a hair salon. She is sort of like… I’d say in the realm of celebrity hairdresser. So betting on her was good for both of us. Yet she’s stressed and tired which I get. But I still pay all the bills. For instance- this morning I paid our marketing ads, our marketing/ socials guy, or product and color order. And paid our rent. Then as she’s leaving to head into the business I see her picking the laundry up to take in for the wash. Which is something I can totally do, so I offer to do it. She’s immediately snarky about it and makes offhand comments about me doing another favor for her? You’re the housewife right? That’s what you said? Shouldn’t you BE doing that? I don’t need any more favors….. and then she leaves… I just don’t understand where her blatant animosity or resentment for me comes. And I feel insecure because I am sort of just a useless wallet these days. I sit at home and try not to spend money so we can pay our bills. I send her a bit of cash every week. And I myself don’t go out or spend money so we can make it through each month. So I go for walks, gym, beach. Not a bad life. But I feel like she’s losing respect for me. But she couldn’t survive here without me. I feel like I should get some respect. My “ job” is daytrading. And I’ve spent 5 years learning how to do it. I’m just starting to make a little cash from it. It’s not easy. So she’s started to look at it with contempt. She calls it “ the other girl” because I trade/ study 40-60 hours a week. 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

And I feel insecure because I am sort of just a useless wallet these days. I feel like she’s losing respect for me. I feel like I should get some respect.

I think you need to respect yourself before she will respect you.

You seem to think that you can buy her respect - by paying all the bills, financing the business, and doing the chores. I would feel a lot of resentment towards a man who has set the relationship in such a way where he wants to take care of me and then expects me to show my gratitude - particularly if what he expects is sex. She is not affectionate with you because there is a lot of resentment here - you can sense it in her comments about the laundry and the time you spend day trading. 

And just how exactly does it take you five years to working full time hours to learn how to day trade - such that you are just now starting to make a little cash? This makes no sense - about as much sense as the decision to invest in her business at your own expense. Any business that took five years before turning a profit would be out of business because the proprietor is not a very good businessman. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

The marriage isn’t terrible. But she does get really snappy and grumpy with me/ says no almost always to sex. And doesn’t seem to need passion or intimacy. It’s been like this literally since we got married.

How is this not a terrible marriage?

 

1 hour ago, jerrygordon3 said:

But I feel like she’s losing respect for me. But she couldn’t survive here without me. I feel like I should get some respect.

You really seem to think that respect can be bought. That’s not how it works.

In my opinion, the real problem here is that you don’t respect yourself.

You have a strangely mercantile approach to relationship, including entitlement to sex. You’re being disrespected by your wife, yet instead of walking away, you keep getting outraged, demanding sex and respect from her, and thinking that she should respect you because you did this and that.

She doesn’t love and doesn’t respect you, period. All you can do now is let her go. That would help you get your self-respect back.

Edited May 7 by Gebidozo

[Els]

On 5/5/2025 at 5:58 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

I feel like she sleeps with me only when she absolutely wants to and it’s so hard to grt her to that mental place. So I’m left wanting and feeling neglected. I’m super sexual, she’s not… at all. And she just doesn’t make an effort to fulfill my needs. Apparently me trying to sleep with her once a day is “selfish” 

Wow. Just... wow.

Why don't you free this poor woman already and just pay escorts? Serious question.

What a shame to hear that you're Australian. Did you flee your country because of DV/coercive control charges? Because your behavior and attitude sure sounds a lot like it.