Anyone Broke Up to then Get Back together and Marry?

[WindDrifter]

Just wondering if any couple has been so in love but one wasn't ready so you break up for a time to then get back together and marry?

 

Just wondering if there is hope? I guess I do have hope but wondering if it is blind optimism.

 

Cheers,

WD

[TUDOR]

My wife and I did just that. She was very ready to get married and I wasn't. I had been married once before and just wasn't sure I was ready to take that step again even though I very much loved my wife and knew I wanted to marry her eventually. So in my panic we broke up. We were broken up for about a month and half.

 

In that time apart I got over my fears of getting married again and came to terms with the fact I was going to loose the woman I loved over my fear of marriage just because it went bad before. We got back together and six months later got engaged. But don't put all your hopes on it happening. Yes it happens but if it is meant to be you must let it take its course and not force the issue. The best thing my wife did for me was let me walk away and deal with my issues. She didn't harrass me by calling me up all the time and trying to get me to come back. She gave me my space and let me work it out on my own. In the end that is what made the difference. Good luck.

[WindDrifter]

What did you guy do during the break up? Did you contact each other did you see each other? Did you see other people? What did you do during the break? What did she do during the break?

 

I am currently giving my gf all the space she needs I don't call her I let her call me which is once a week and I let her decide if we meet up which she wants to be once on the weekend.

 

I feel though that I am just letting her easily get over me and have her cake and eat it. She tells me all this stuff about how she misses me so I was thinking maybe we have 2 weeks of NC then she can feel how it would really be without me. After that we would see how we feel?

 

How did your misses give you time? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Cheers,

WD

[WindDrifter]

Tudor any extra advice?

[WindDrifter]

Still there tudor?

[TUDOR]

Sorry WD I missed your last post. My situation was slightly different than yours in that I was the one who broke it off with her. The first week I felt so guilty that I would call her in the evenings to see how she was doing. She always wanted the answer to the big question though...are you coming back? To that I say I just don't know yet and that I was figuring out what I needed.

 

Eventually my calling her was like hurting her over and over and she told me not to call and to go figure out what ever it was I needed to do. We didn't talk for over a month after that. She just left me alone. My advice is give her the space she is looking for. It will be hard not to want to call her up and talk and just to see what she is up to. But if you don't she will never be able to take that step back and really contimplate what you mean to her and whether she wants a future with you. Space is tricky thing...when needed if you don't back off and give it you will ultimately push her away. Hang in there.

[ICE_MOUNTAIN]

[

Sorry WD I missed your last post. My situation was slightly different than yours in that I was the one who broke it off with her. The first week I felt so guilty that I would call her in the evenings to see how she was doing. She always wanted the answer to the big question though...are you coming back? To that I say I just don't know yet and that I was figuring out what I needed.

 

Eventually my calling her was like hurting her over and over and she told me not to call and to go figure out what ever it was I needed to do. We didn't talk for over a month after that. She just left me alone. My advice is give her the space she is looking for. It will be hard not to want to call her up and talk and just to see what she is up to. But if you don't she will never be able to take that step back and really contimplate what you mean to her and whether she wants a future with you. Space is tricky thing...when needed if you don't back off and give it you will ultimately push her away. Hang in there.

 

what make u deciced to come back to her ? ... during one month.. what did u do ? u make me wonder n wonder abt my ex. becoz he is a divorcee too . n i already accepted his background n loved him .. but out of the blue he asked for a break up and said that he is not the right person for me..bla .. bla... .

i guess... my case is totally different than yours. i think he doesnt love me at all and will never ever come back again. moreover, i have given up . i dont want to get hurt again.

however, i really want to know . thanks for sharing with us ... your story really warms my heart that although u've been through failur but now u dont loose your hope and i guess your wife , she must be a wonderful lady too. wish u all the best for your marriage...

[WindDrifter]

Tudor,

 

Thanks for your reply. You are sort of my gf in my situation. She has broken it off and needs time to figure things out. I have told her to do what she needs. I told her she can call me but i won't call her and she said she wants to meet up once on the weekend. This is what we did for the first 2 weeks. I then decided it would be good just for us to no see each other for 2 weeks.

 

Thought it would give us both time and space. She then decided well maybe we can just talk. So she calls me once between mon-fri and I call once on the weekend. Sat or Sun. At the moment we are coming up to the first weekend of not seeing each other. Its going to be tough.

 

The 2 times we spent the day together it was awesome. The first day we had such fun and it was like old times. The second time we slept together and broke all the rules we made like no kissing on the lips. But we felt so happy. The weird thing is I don't feel too bad at the moment. I think I just really know how much she loves me and I feel comfortable giving her the space.

 

It does get confusing when we act one way but she says we are another. We are broken up but we don't call each other ex and we don't want to be with anyone else. I guess I have just decided to see how I feel and how I go.

 

Do you think the month of no contact did you good? Did you see other people? Do you think 2 weeks is enough? Any other advice would be appreciated.

 

Also when I mentioned a month we both don't think we can last that long without talking at the very least or without seeing each other. Ahhh!!! Drives me insane!

 

Thanks again!

 

Cheers,

WD

[Becoming]

My husband and I dated 3 1/2 years before we married, and in that time there was a point at which we both decided we needed a break, we needed to see other people, etc. It was all amicable. We were both scared about getting so serious. I wasn't ready to really think about settling down, yet here was this great guy who met most of my criteria for what I would want if I were to get married (I was pretty sure no one would want my bad feminist self!).

 

We laugh about that time now because after about a month we realized we didn't want to lose the great friendship we had and, like you, we couldn't stop talking to one another. And then neither of us found anyone else we wanted to consider dating. So here we are, married 1/4 of a century with two fabulous kids. Who'd have thunk?

 

Take it easy. Figure yourself out and take care of what you need. If it hurts to have her call, tell her that and why and ask her not to call until {whatever you want}. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. If not, you saved yourself a lot of years of heartache.

[WindDrifter]

Becoming you are similar to us in a sense we have been together almost 3 years as well but the only thing is she isn't 100% sure and also worried about missing out on a time of life she was meant to be single and then regretting it. We have such a great time together and love each other. We even get excited when we talk about moving in together and buying furniture and stuff!

 

I am scared about the whole see other people bit.

 

So did you kiss other people or sleep with others? Did you talk about who you had been with? I just can't imagine kissing or being with someone else when I love her so much! I don't know how I would react if she was with someone or kissed another guy. I just don't know how someone could do it while in love with someone else. Did you get jealous? Did he get jealous? Did you both tell each other about your dates? I just don't know how I could handle that. Just being a friend. I want her and I am ready to settle but she isn't so I am giving her time. Did both of you talk whenever you wanted to? I sorta let her call me then I know I am not closing down on her space. How did a month make you ready to settle down?

 

Ahhh!! Am I too prudent or conservative?

 

I am so happy for you that things worked out. I hope the same happens with me and Amanda.

 

Anymore advice would be welcome.

Thanks!

WD

[someone_here]

I don't know how I would react if she was with someone or kissed another guy. I just don't know how someone could do it while in love with someone else. Did you get jealous? Did he get jealous? Did you both tell each other about your dates? I just don't know how I could handle that. Just being a friend. I want her and I am ready to settle but she isn't so I am giving her time. Did both of you talk whenever you wanted to? I sorta let her call me then I know I am not closing down on her space. How did a month make you ready to settle down?

 

Ahhh!! Am I too prudent or conservative?

 

WD

you re not conservative.. it is normal.

[Becoming]

You're not too prudent or conservative; you're acting in accord with your beliefs with regard to what's best for you. I think sex is sacramental, and I'd been burned badly in that regard in a previous relationship and decided I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else who wasn't my husband.

 

No, despite the fact that we broke up and decided we could see other people, we didn't--that's what's so funny! Yes, I got jealous at the thought of him seeing someone else, then realized that was pretty stupid. If he had seen someone else, no, I wouldn't have wanted to hear about it and told him that. We didn't last long under that arrangement, as it gave both of us (mostly me) enough time to realize we didn't want to throw a good thing away. From that time on, the relationship progressed to marriage.

 

Negotiate for the rules YOU want during this time. If she's the one who wants space, she's gonna have to call you, but if that makes you feel bad, you need to place some boundaries around it, as you have.

 

But you may also need to face the reality that maybe she won't want to come back. That's the risk love takes. But I hope that's not the case for you. Use the time apart to assess the relationship rationally without all the emotions saying you've got to have her, etc. Is she really a good fit for you and what you want out of life? What is it you really do want/need in a woman you want to spend your life with?

 

And you're doing well according to what you say in your other posts. It just may be that there's another part of you that's scared? Love and fear don't really mix, so follow the love, and ignore the fear.

[skeptik224]

I wish a lot of people thought like you in the sense that they ignored the fear and followed the love. A lot of people (including my ex and I) would be much happier. Your story is inspiring.

[WindDrifter]

Becoming thanks for your posts they are most appreciated.

 

Its funny you talk about fear. Amanda at a young age suffered from panic attacks. She has got this under control but a large portion of panic attacks revolves around fear. Fear of anything and everything. She recently told me that she is afraid of losing me later on if we got married and how would she be able to live with herself she would miss me too much and i told her i was fearful of losing her too. I have been thinking about this alot and read a book I got from her mum on Panic Attacks and have now written a letter to her which I will give to her when we next meet up.

 

I want her to know that whatever happens ill be there for her and we can slowly conquer her fears together. But sometimes the person needs to figure that out for themselves.

 

To answer all your questions about thinking whether we are a fit without the emotions. Over the last couple weeks it has really given me clarity on the fact that I have found the most incredble girl in the world. I would give up everything just to spend another minute with her. i love everything about her the good and bad. I actually find the bad things she does cute and funny. i couldn't imagine my life without her and thinking what could have been. What should have been.

 

I am fearful of losing her, yes but I have also let her go as I knew she needed this. Thats that hardest thing I can say i have ever done in my life. A small part of me is worried it is going to take too long and I am eventually going to fall out of love. 1-3 months fine to 1 Year I just don't know and thats what i am scared of!

 

If anyone wants to watch a good romantic movie take out Before the Sunset with Ethan Hawke... made me so sad but happy as well.

 

Thanks all!

WD

[Smoothchik]

 

Negotiate for the rules YOU want during this time. If she's the one who wants space, she's gonna have to call you, but if that makes you feel bad, you need to place some boundaries around it, as you have.

 

 

My question is what should happen if the both of you need some space...what kind of contact is appropriate...who should contact who??

[WindDrifter]

Smoothchik i think you will just have to see how things go. If both of you want space then its up to either person. Maybe just contact when it really really feels bad and you want to talk but if that never happens I guess you know how much you care about the other person.

 

wd

[Becoming]

No one can tell you what you need to do except you. Here's what I've learned, though:

 

You have to be clear on what you want based on what is good for you. And the other person has to do the same. This is easier said than done.

 

Once each is clear, then you can negotiate what works for you as a couple.

 

You also need to know what is and is not acceptable to you, where to draw the line so that you don't compromise yourself too much in those negotiations.

 

And when you mess up or didn't realize you felt a certain way, etc., then you renegotiate.

 

Relationships are really just a series of negotiations, often unspoken based on assumptions (which often lead us into trouble). I'm not talking about UN peace talks, of course:D , but small negotiations about what you're going to do, see, when, where, how you want to find the toilet seat, etc. None of that is likely to go well if you're not clear about what you want or if the other person isn't either.

[WindDrifter]

Well just an update please look at the other post ...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80862/

 

But to cut a long story short I ended it. Told her it was too much. After about a week we met up and it looks like things may be getting back on track. So we have been apart for 5 weeks now.. I hope we end up like you becoming!

 

Cheers,

WD

[neek]

You have been getting some great advice and I'm happy to see you are so supportive of her, she needs that. Marriage is a big deal and lots of people, no matter how much they love their partner, get scared about it! Since you mentioned she has panic attacks her fears about marriage can be even stronger - the poor thing loves you so much she is terrified how she'd hold up if anything ever happened to you! While that is certainly understandable, I'm sure she realizes that not having you at all would be much worse! I think letting her work things out without pushing the issue will give her some peace of mind and she'll be better able to figure out what she wants and needs.

 

I am living proof, among others that have posted here, that yes you can be separated and get back together and end up marrying. Well, I'm only engaged so far, but we have been together for 3 years straight, 4.5 years total. We met the first day I moved into college, and dated on and off for that first year...only to be apart for the next 2 years or so. Then dated for 6 months before another break up for 6 mos. (during which I dated a total loser, oy!)...and afterwards we fully embraced each other back into our lives with the understanding that we both would like to be married. And after the past three years of being together (no breakups, yay!) we just recently got engaged. It sounds very up and down, which it was, but we were still very young and both needed to get out there and figure out what it was we both wanted. We each dated other people in between, but despite the heartache of thinking of each other with someone else, it was good for us both to see how it is to be with other people and realize that no one could compare to what we had with each other. (Aww, I feel sappiness just pouring out of me!) I love him more than anything, and though we had our (multiple) times apart, I think there is much to be said when you keep going back to each other. There is obviously the connection and love there, but there are personal things and questions you just might have to answer first. Let her do her answering, and I'm sure she knows you're there for her. I wouldn't worry about falling out of love, but...say it did last a year that you were apart and your feelings slowly got pushed back, I think if the time came that you were back in each other's lives, you would certainly feel it all again, and even moreso. That's what happened to me anyway! It is just something that needs to work itself out that can't be rushed or forced. Give it time, as much as you want to just swoop her up into your arms and give her millions of kisses and hugs, let it work out in time and I think you'll feel it has been well worth the wait!! I hope you both end up happily married, and I wish you well!!

[WindDrifter]

Neek at the moment we have only been apart for 5 weeks so I guess I am worried about this happening again but I guess if it does then it does. I am just wondering that even if she wants to come back in a couple days I don't know if I should really ask her if she is sure this is what she wants. It sounds like with you guys you saw other people now the funny thing with me is I don't need and she doesn't want that because I think she knows I might never take her back so I am worried that my reaction is keeping her from doing what she really wants to do and this will come up again.

 

Cheers,

WD

[neek]

Can you say, and do you feel, for certain that if she ever dated someone else you would never take her back?

 

I think if you get back together soon, you should take it easy and don't make her say whether or not she's 100% sure of anything, even her favorite color! It might be too intimidating for her...its probably best to just go with the flow for a while and see how things are. (I'm not a genius though, and dont know ALL about you guys and each relationship is sensitive in different ways...but I would take it easy at first, just enjoy being with her!!!)

[WindDrifter]

Neek I really don't know.

 

I would like to say yes I would take her back but to be honest I might move on and find someone to marry or she might. We might get into serious relationships which we both don't really want but you never know.

 

Thank you for your advice about taking things easy I think this is what scared her on Sunday how intense I was. I was just so excited. I guess I must just take things slow. Its going to be tought but I do need to know that she Loves me, Trusts me and Want to be with only me otherwise I can't get back together. I won't ask her to know 100% that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me but I do need those basic needs.

 

Cheers,

WD

[datingmum]

Hello you guys.

 

Sorry to hijack this thread. I'm not really. My situation is different (read single mum meets bachelor) but I'm wondering the same thing.

 

If I go through the hideous NC procedure (haven't even made it 10 hours - including sleep), will I get what I want? Does he need the space to make such a huge decision?

 

I have two little girls to look after, so at least there is a reason to get out of bed, but I'm in so much pain.

 

If you break no contact, do you prolong the process of them making a decision? Or is it better to contact them occaisionally and say "I love you. I know this is a huge decision <to move in, get married at some stage, be a father figure> and I support you in it, but I cannot make it for you, so I must let you go."

 

 

When I left it was so unreal last night. We couldn't believe it. We were smiling, joking, kissing, and when I'd nearly walked out the door, he broke and said "So if we live together, how would we work finances...."

 

But he has a bit of history of deciding these things, then FREAKING OUT like your partner WindDrifter. So how can I trust him? I said "Don't call, contact me, come round, etc unless you've packed your bags and are moving in." I don't mean this absolutely literally, as our decision would need to be planned, but he must arrive with a show.

 

Now I've called the bluff, my heart is recoiling. I felt power and dignity last night. I feel weak and sad and I just want to touch his cute cheeks today. He is so sensitive as well, and the stress of all of this situation has made some eczema flare up! He has a bad nervous tick when he's really nervous, that came back with a vengeance last night. When we met and started dating, I thought he might have early parkinsons!!! (we're almost thirty). Turns out he was just so nervous with me! Bless. I know he'll have trouble at work (high powered and demanding job) and be very isolated and lonely at home. He doesn't like to tell his family what is happening .

 

 

Plus, our birthdays are exactly one month apart, mine in 3 weeks. How in the world am I going to get through Valentines Day and my 30th birthday and his 30th without contacting one another??????

 

My best friend says I must be strict. But I'm sick. Now I'm just waiting.

 

Can we all keep one another company?

[WindDrifter]

Well when I meet Amanda she said she would have got back with me in a couple days so to be honest I wish we hadn't meet but he has to realise what he might lose. Keep up NC he has to make the move. With Amanda though I have told her she needs to want to be with me and its not like we will be getting married tomorrow but with your situation you are asking him to move it so it might be different.

 

Just be strong he will respect you for it.

 

Cheers,

WD

[Becoming]

Thanks, WD, for update and link to other thread, which I'd missed. I feel totally caught up now.

 

And truth is, you do want to marry this gal, you know. If you look back over your posts, you'll see it over and over again. Give her time; she'll come around.

 

But fer Gawd's sake, man, BE HONEST with her!