wastedcuriosity Posted May 2 Posted May 2 Hey. As the title says, I am currently struggling to cope with a relationship coming to an end when it was my fault. I am 24F and this was my first serious relationship. We were together for 3 years. For context, my ex came from a very well-off, loud family whilst I am very quiet and struggle with anxiety. Our relationship was 'medium-distance' - we lived an hour and a half from each other. We last saw each other two weeks ago. Everything was perfect. There were no signs that a break up was coming. On Monday, a week after we last saw each other, he called me and said that he was worried about us. He went on to say that his mother (yes, he is also 24 y/o) sat him down for a chat and expressed that she did not like the way I had acted on the weekend I last saw him. She said I had been withdrawn, seemed like I did not want to be there, and had not said thank you for anything. I completely own all of these things. I had been feeling anxious and had not spoken much to his family due to numerous things going on in my life (family members seriously ill, upcoming driving test) and I admit it had slipped my mind to say thank you for a meal they had paid for. I immediately realised this on my way home and sent his mum a message expressing how grateful I was for everything they had brought. Apparently this was not enough. My ex explained about my anxiety, and the things going on my life. She responded with 'well she should leave that at home'. My ex then went on to say that he is worried that our relationship is not 'growing'. We both still live at home with our parents. I have brought up moving in with each other multiple times but he has never seemed to want to engage in this conversation (he doesn't want to leave his home where he has a gym, a pool, a spa, etc...). He said it has grown stale. He then said that he may be making a mistake, but he wants to take a break. I was so emotional, I shut down the idea of a break and said we either stay together or we break up. He was upset and said then we break up. That was the end of that. Fast forward 3 days, I have processed (a bit) and send him a message asking to talk as I want to clarify a few things about our break up. I said I was open to a break if there were firm boundaries, and that he needs to be brutally honest about his feelings towards me so that I can start to heal if there is no hope for us. He said that he wants to break up properly. That he felt like he was getting more out of the relationship than he was putting in. By this, he meant that I spent a lot of time on my phone during our time together (for example when he was cooking or making drinks), that he had to book everything for us (due to my anxiety) and that after he had done a 1 hour round journey to collect me from the train station, I would just go on my phone and did not express interest in doing something with him. I completely own these things. I think there were times I did neglect him during our relationship, and I feel terrible. He said he should have told me sooner, but due to these things he was unhappy and so has fallen out of love with me. I told him I could so easily fix these things, and that I wanted to, so badly, but he said it was too late. I'm struggling to cope with the fact I am the reason this relationship ended. That I wasn't given the chance to fix my behaviours. I love him so much and cherished every moment I spent with him and I feel so guilty that I did not show this to him. I want to fix this so bad. But he has already fallen out of love. Is it really too late? Can someone fall out of love that quickly? The weekend we spent together felt like every single other time, there were no signs that he did not love me anymore. He was initiating physical intimacy, telling me how much he loved me, talking about the future. How can things change so quickly? I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. I suppose, how to stop fixating on the fact that this break up was preventable? How can someone fall out of love so quickly? Is there any chance of reconciliation? Thank you. I feel so low and just need people to talk to. He was my best friend. And now I have no one.
Gebidozo Posted May 2 Posted May 2 12 minutes ago, wastedcuriosity said: Is it really too late? Yes, it is. He has expressed that very clearly. Please don’t blame yourself. You could, of course, work (perhaps with a good therapist) on your issues and try to figure out why you’re having trouble showing your feelings and being more active in a relationship. But ultimately, this is about compatibility. You guys weren’t compatible, it’s nobody’s fault. For the record, I think it’s very strange that he supported his mother when she complained about you. It was really none of her business and he should have told her that. 15 minutes ago, wastedcuriosity said: Can someone fall out of love that quickly? I don’t think he was very much in love with you to begin with. 16 minutes ago, wastedcuriosity said: I suppose, how to stop fixating on the fact that this break up was preventable? By understanding that it wasn’t preventable. 17 minutes ago, wastedcuriosity said: And now I have no one. You have yourself. Work on your confidence and self-love. Stop obsessing over a guy who wasn’t compatible with you in the first place.
ShyViolet Posted May 2 Posted May 2 5 hours ago, wastedcuriosity said: I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. I suppose, how to stop fixating on the fact that this break up was preventable? The breakup wasn't "preventable". You are thinking about this all wrong. The relationship ran its course and he fell out of love with you. You couldn't have simply "fixed" your behaviors to prevent him from wanting to break up with you. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes one partner loses feelings and drifts away from the relationship. If the other partner doesn't want it to end, that's sad but it's just the way it goes sometimes. All this internalized guilt and self-loathing that you are doing is totally misguided and unfortunate. The breakup isn't "because of you", it's just because he lost feelings for you. There's nothing you could do to "fix" yourself to keep him. You shouldn't want to change yourself just to keep another person anyway. You sound like you have really low self-esteem and you should go to therapy to work on that. Stop beating yourself up so much. 1
basil67 Posted May 2 Posted May 2 He didn't fall out of love with you quickly. Instead, it's been building and building and came to a head. And it may not have been just about your quietness and anxiety, there could have been issues around the distance and not seeing each other, and random other things which weren't working for him. It's really hard to hear the main reason someone breaks up, but even if he can't be with you, he's ultimately done you a favour by letting you know what you could have done differently. Or if you are really happy in your own skin, you could be more compatible with a guy who's more introspective. About the only thing you really need to do differently is to be gracious when you're staying at someone's home.
Sanch62 Posted May 4 Posted May 4 On 5/2/2025 at 12:44 PM, wastedcuriosity said: ...I feel so low and just need people to talk to.He was my best friend. And now I have no one. I'm sorry to hear this. Why do you have no one? What has prevented you from making new friends or keeping older friends to the degree that this BF was your only person? That's some heavy dependency, and it can be too weighty a load for someone else to carry. Ditching your autonomy and making your world so small that BF became your only social lifeline is not exactly inspiring for him. It's common at your age for long-term relationships to end. When two people enmesh at a young age, it tends to stunt their social growth, and one or the other eventually feels a need to liberate themselves from such a bond. This isn't anyone's fault, but rather it's a learning experience for both of you. I would pursue work with a therapist on the anxiety issues that keep you isolated so that you can push beyond them a build a social life that feels healthy and beneficial to your self-confidence. You are also welcome to write more here if it helps.
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