ToughWeakGirl Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 My boyfriend fell in love with me b/c I am strong, independent and tough....yet very femine. That was a while back, he is now my fiance and we are having big time problems because I am "too strong" or so he says! I don't understand this, he fell in love with me b/c of my independence and so on but why now does he need me to be "softer", that's how he put it. Ugh, I mean, I guess I can be harsh at times, with the way I express my self and so on but isn't communication key? Here's what happens, I'll state something that bothers me about him, or us or anything and he takes that and dwells on it for days. He goes into this state where he will be depressed about it and wont talk w/ me about it. Sure, last time he brought something to my attention I told him he needs to just "man up" about things but that's because I feel he is way too emotional and dramatic about things! For example: I'll say that he doesn't do something for me enough...(take me out for example....or some other girl wining about the relationship...typical things) and he will go into this state of his where he just dwells on it. He wont smile, or converse with me or anything until however long it takes him to get over it..........sometimes I don't even know what I said to set him off. It's like a silent torture.......ugh! I will bug him and ask him what's wrong 15x's a day b/c althogh he says nothing, it's very clear that he is not himself...but he just sticks w/ all is alright. Thing is that for a strong girl, I am very emotionaly weak and this kind of thing just drives me crazy....then I dwell on what could possibly be wrong w/ him and it becomes a cycle. Point is he is always saying that I am not soft, I am too strong and rough. I don't get that, I am very affectionate and sweet towards him...I just happen to be very opinionated about things! He used to treat me so soft and sweet but now he treats me as if I'm made of steal, I'm constantly hurt by his lack of communication or his lack of compassion towards me b/c he assumes I'm so strong? What do I do? Why is this happening?
alphamale Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 My boyfriend fell in love with me b/c I am strong, independent and tough.... that actually is the definition of masculinity, not femininity. 1
justagirliegirl Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 You said that you are harsh sometimes. There is a difference between communication that benefits both people and harsh criticism. When you are harsh to someone, it makes them less likely to open up to you as they are afraid of getting kicked in the teeth with you words. How would you respond if he talked to you the way you talk to him? It sounds like maybe you need to re evaluate your communication style.
Author ToughWeakGirl Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 AlphaMale: I’m am far from masculine, I’m 5’3, 115lbs, 27 yrs old w/ a 10yr old daughter who I raised alone, I’ve lived and supported my self since 17 all the while going to school (graduate college by 20). I’m used to surviving and doing my own thing….I guess I’m just not used to having to consider someone elses feelings like I do know. I’m not easily fazed by the little things in life. I haven’t gotten to where I am today by crying over everything. I’m strong because I’ve had to be, and I’m change a tire in 9 inch heals kind of tough, open my own jars kind of tough, smack me and I’ll smack you back kind of tough.……not masculine…just strong. If you saw me I doubt masculine would be the last word you’d use to describe me! These are all the things that amazed him and made him fall in love with me in the 1st place. justagirliegirl: your right, he says that he wont express himself b/c I tell him to "get over it" or "man up". It just seems that the things that bug him are so petty to me, it's hard. I guess I need to work on being more approachable
Outcast Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 he says that he wont express himself b/c I tell him to "get over it" or "man up". It just seems that the things that bug him are so petty to me, it's hard. I guess I need to work on being more approachable Were you aware that he's a human being, too? Are you cognizant of the fact that he actually has feelings? What kind of empathy have you for the man you profess to love? How can you not care about how he feels to the extent that you minimize his feelings? I have news for you. That's not being 'strong and independent'. That's being bitchy, self-centred, and inconsiderate. Tell him that a couple needs to communicate as a team - meaning listen to each other's concerns and negotiate solutions together. If he refuses to do that, this won't be a very good marriage.
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 it sounds to me like there is a reversal of the typical roles. because you have always had to be tough in order to survive, you've suppressed some of the softer caring emotions. and he sounds like an especially sensitive male, perhaps a little on the whiney side. subconsciously he may have been attracted to your toughness so that you would take care of him. it would probably be a good idea to stop yourself and think about how he will feel when you say things like 'man up' and i think you need to work on how you approach him and his ego. but if he's really bugging you, and plays the sulk game too much, maybe you need to find someone stronger.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I can understand where you are coming from. I'm the same way...very aggressive and strong and know what I want and how I want it. A lot of these replies on your post are right....most men won't feel comfortable telling you things if your going to say things like " get over it" or "man up". Most of the time when guys want to talk about stuff they don't want to feel like the girl you know? I'm come to realize that I need to change the way I talk or come off and also depending on the topic. Key is Tone of voice and what youre saying. I always put myself in the position where how would I feel if they talked to me the way I've talked to them. I'd be like Peace out...! Hell no! Hope that helps!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I can totally relate - I too am a strong, independent woman. When I was your age I was way more harsh than I am today. Part of that was because I was bitter, another part was because I was always on the defensive. I am also like you in that I although people don't realize it - I am very emotional and weak, in my own way. What I have learned in life is to give as you would like to get. Look at how upset you are over your fiance telling you that you need to soften up - well flip that around and it is how upset he must be at hearing you tell him to "man up." Criticism is completely useless unless it is constructive. Unless your goal is to simply hurt somone - then criticize to your heartss content - but it certainly will not win you any friends. I suspect that you have yet to let your guard down with your fiance. You have had to be strong and independent for so long, perhaps you can't remember how. If you would like your fiance to "man up" you need to give him the opportunity to be the man. You need to learn to lean on him a bit. I'm not saying you need to be soft everywhere and with everyone - but if you love this man - you will show your softer, more vulnerable side to him - knowing he will not abuse that priviledge by hurting you. Rather he will step up to the plate and be your man!
Weye Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 No woman should conciously 'soften up' so that her man can feel more secure in the relationship. When a guy tells his girl that she is "too strong" the real problem is that he's not strong enough himself. And its something he's got to fix himself.
Author ToughWeakGirl Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Wow, most of these replies are absolutely true. I do admit to being too harsh, and he is a sensitive man but that’s why I fell in love with him too though. He was a fresh breath of air in my hectic world at the time. He was always patient and calm about life; he was so sweet and caring towards me. Last night we had a long talk about just this. He told me that the past week he’d been so depressed and that he’d cried in his car at work. I knew he was down, but I didn’t realize how much. I only knew how annoyed by his moping and lack of communication. I put that aside and saw how much he needed me to be there for him. He told me all that was on his mind, the things that had him stressing and how he was so down about us not getting along lately. I realized that he had so much inside, so much build up. I put aside my feelings and selflessly listened to him, all the while putting my self in his shoes and I began to understand why he felt how he did. I felt so bad and guilty but when I cried he put him self aside to comfort me. I understand now how this is supposed to work. We decided to work on being each other’s “go to person”, being more tender w/ each other’s feelings, and communicating everything openly. We both agreed that I’m too cold at times and he is too sensitive at times but that now knowing this we will try to work around it. We both feel so much better now. I just hope that I can be what he needs.
Woggle Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I love strong women but some women think they are strong when they are just nasty and obnoxious.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Well done for communicating and listening. That takes a different kind of strength and courage and you've really risen to the challenge. We both agreed that I’m too cold at times and he is too sensitive at times but that now knowing this we will try to work around it. My guess is that one of you has repressed her needs and feelings Doesn't mean they go away and it's way healthier to be in contact with them. Hence your attraction to a sensitive man. I just hope that I can be what he needs. Remember to let him meet your needs too. Otherwise you perpetuate your "strength" and his helplessness.
Outcast Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I understand now how this is supposed to work. We decided to work on being each other’s “go to person”, being more tender w/ each other’s feelings, and communicating everything openly. We both agreed that I’m too cold at times and he is too sensitive at times but that now knowing this we will try to work around it. You made my day! Congratulations on opening up and really listening and empathizing. Clearly his feelings are deep and that's not a bad thing, One of the best hockey players ever wept openly in front of a huge crowd in New York last night when he was honoured. Dr. Phil has a good set of philosophies about relationships and one is that you should be each other's 'soft place to land' - when the world's getting you down or you have any kind of troubles, your partner should be there to comfort and support you and vice versa. And that what makes you 'home' to each other
Author ToughWeakGirl Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Thank you all for your advice on this, even those who criticized me by saying I just have a nasty attitude…..I take in the reality checks and the advice! Thanks! My fiancé may be a bit on the sensitive side emotionally but he is all man and strong everywhere it counts and it’s because I love him and want to understand him is why I came here…….. But in the end what made me feel the best was going directly to him.
Outcast Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 But in the end what made me feel the best was going directly to him. The very best thing to do. If he does something that bothers you, go to him and ask him about it (nicely) - chances are he didn't even think it would bother you. If you talk about things rather than assuming you know what's going on, you'll be a great pair. Too many folks just assume they know what their partner is thinking and get all upset at them - when if they'd only take the time to ask, they'd find out their assumptions were completely incorrect and their anger was for nothing.
Blackard Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Sounds to me like the you want it both ways. You wants to be "tough" when it suits you, but want him to "man up" and be the man...when it suits you? Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but, I mean, if you want him to accept that you are "tough", why do you stereotype him and not let him be "soft?". Also, why complain that he does not take you out often enough? When have you taken him out, done something for him? "Tough" or "strong" are not just words and not just an excuse to get your way, those are traits that the truly independent person posses. This may not be you, and again, I could be reading it wrong, but I see this a lot today with young girls. They don't want to be the woman and be stuck in some traditional role, or have traditional expectations laid upon them, but they also have not a clue that they are doing exactly that to their men. Can't have it both ways. Decide what you want
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