rhino14 Posted April 30 Posted April 30 Hi, I’m new here and I would love some . I fear my wife is heading towards an affair with a work colleague. she mentions him quite a lot in conversation, she openly admits she likes him and works well with him, she has when visiting his office met for numerous lunches / coffee and jokes with him about them being dates. im also ashamed to admit she left her work laptop open at home recently and i looked at a teams conversation with him and there were a lot of back and forth compliments with a lot of flirty emojis. what else should I be watching for with this? she has improved her work wardrobe in recent months and her she is putting way more effort into her overall appearance im all over the place and would love some advice here TIA
Gebidozo Posted April 30 Posted April 30 You shouldn’t have checked her private conversations. If something in her interaction with that guy makes you feel uncomfortable, you should tell her about that directly. Anyway, usually, when people have affairs, they tend to hide it. If your wife openly admits she likes that guy, then she likes him, as a colleague, as a buddy, that doesn’t mean she’s sleeping with him or is about to do that. Some people are naturally flirty, is your wife like that? I know women who are flirty with everyone and send emojis and call people sweet names, that doesn’t mean they would sleep with those people. There is no correlation between flirty character and a propensity to cheat.
BreakOnThrough Posted April 30 Posted April 30 Tell her it's bothering you, if she continues, do what you need to do to make it clear that you will be moving forward on your own.
Bryanp Posted April 30 Posted April 30 If the roles were reversed, how do you suppose your wife would be reacting to you?
FireBreak Posted May 2 Posted May 2 I'm new here but have been on other similar boards for many years. I can tell you that this behavior, while certainly not infidelity at this point, puts your wife on a slippery slope. This is always how co-worker affairs start. People just don't jump into bed with a co-worker. Maybe a drunken ONS with a club hookup, but not a co-worker. They start slowly and gradually, just like you are experiencing with your wife. It progresses to after work drinks with "co-workers", coming home late and excuses with secretive behavior. You are right to be concerned and it needs to be addressed. Ignore this or excuse it at your peril. 2
MsJayne Posted May 3 Posted May 3 Not cool. Having a laugh and getting on well with a co-worker is good, flirting to the point of it bothering a partner isn't. Talking about him too often, taking extra care with her appearance and buying new clothes, calling meetings with him 'dates', it's a bit much and most people would be concerned by it. She needs a tap on the shoulder because she's teetering on the verge of making a fool of herself, (an even bigger fool than she already is). Maybe when she brings him up yet again just cut her off and change the subject, let her know you're not taking the bait and have zero interest in hearing about Office Guy. 1
Sanch62 Posted May 4 Posted May 4 I would be concerned, too. How would you describe your own relationship with her. Do you believe it's possible that she might feel unheard or taken for granted? This certainly isn't about blaming you, but rather considering any potential problem areas that you can raise and work through together to make your commitment to one another more resistant to outside influences. You might even lightheartedly question the next time she talks about the coworker, "Hey, I notice that this guy gets to be your buddy around the office every day. What would you tell me that I can do for you to have as much fun with me as you do with him? I'd like to apply for that job..." See what she says. You'll at least be putting her on notice that you're not entirely okay with how she's handling that friendship. If she responds encouragingly, you might be able to manage this, but if she responds defensively, that might signal that your marriage may be in trouble.
LAspen Posted May 7 Posted May 7 Why are you ashamed of your actions in exposing the emotional/moral/physical crime of infidelity? After all, your criminal wife is not ashamed of anything and openly betrays you, violates her marriage vows and obligations. I have formulated the following moral codex for our comrades in misfortune. Declaration of the Rights of a Person in a Relationship (in marriage) regarding the investigation of infidelity 1. Everyone has the right to suspect their partner of infidelity. 2. Everyone has the right to confirm or refute suspicions of infidelity by investigating using means and methods that do not contradict the criminal law. 3. When conducting an investigation of infidelity, moral (not legal) restrictions should be applied by the person conducting the investigation only based on their own desires and beliefs, and not on the desires and beliefs of the suspect.
tynkrbel Posted May 8 Posted May 8 'Privacy' is what We do behind bathroom door. The word 'privacy' has no place on partner's cell phones, laptops, computers - in that context, it would be 'secrets'. That being said, I ditto LAspen's advice - numbers 1. , 2., AND 3 !! !! Well said !!
Gebidozo Posted May 9 Posted May 9 On 5/7/2025 at 8:05 PM, LAspen said: 1. Everyone has the right to suspect their partner of infidelity. It’s not about rights, it’s about having trust in a relationship. If you suspect your partner of infidelity, there is no trust anymore, and the relationship is done, regardless of whether the suspicions are true or not. In a normal relationship, people don’t let suspicions grow to the extent that the relationship turns into a criminal police procedure and you violate the privacy of your partner to confirm or alleviate them. If you think your partner’s behavior is suspicious, you ask them directly about that. Based on what they say in response, you either believe them or you don’t. In both cases, there is no need for a self-humiliating investigation. Either there is trust and then the relationship is fine, or there is no trust and then you should break up. 1
Gebidozo Posted May 9 Posted May 9 4 hours ago, tynkrbel said: The word 'privacy' has no place on partner's cell phones, laptops, computers - in that context, it would be 'secrets'. It doesn’t matter how you call it, but you can’t rummage through your partner’s phones and computers because you suspect they’re being unfaithful. First, it’s very disrespectful. Second, if you can’t openly talk with your partner and your trust is low that you feel the need to control and monitor them like an oppressive government, why even bother being in a relationship?
tynkrbel Posted May 9 Posted May 9 Actually My 'point' was, one doesn't have to/need to 'demand' privacy when one has nothing to hide. I'm not even suggesting to be married to someone doesn't trust in the first place. No 'snooping' 'needed'.
Recommended Posts