My GF (F22) pictures herself as available to stranger men

[ThrowawayUser]

My girlfriend is pretty and young. When she’s out alone in the city, she sometimes gets approached by guys—usually foreigners. In my opinion, when a guy cold approaches you, you shouldn’t even stop to talk to him. If you already find yourself in this situation talking to a stranger and see his obvious intentions and flirting, you should cut it early with a simple “I have a boyfriend.” I am definitely not saying that all relationships out there in the world should live by this very rule, but it just seems a healthy common sense to me.

Two guys approached her in the same week. She stopped and talked to them, says it was a few minutes conversation. She really does have a hard time saying no to people, setting boundaries, she's a bit timid, says that when someone approaches her she freezes up, etc.

I got a bit upset about it, especially knowing it was a few minutes conversation and not just exchange of two sentences, but I completely let it go after a moment. I forgot about it and maybe was even happy for external validation that she is indeed pretty.

But a month later she finally tells me that they asked for her Instagram. And she shared it to them. She says she gave it so they’d leave her alone. Truth is she actually didn’t message them back on the Instagram. She offered to show me their initial pick-up messages and I noticed she followed them back... It would be nice if she offered to just block them on the spot, but she didn't. Instead I asked her to just block them, and she said “later.”

What do you think? Am I being overly sensitive about this, or is she indeed crossing some healthy relationship boundaries?

Edited 18 hours ago by ThrowawayUser

[ThrowawayUser]

She didn't seem apologetic about the situation. Instead got defensive about it that she's just paralysed and that I am attacking her when I said "If you can't say NO to other people, where is the limit?". But then again, she also even followed them back on IG, and couldn't block them on the spot when I asked. How do I defend that?

I just don't like that my GF renders herself available to other men, they clearly got a green light from her.

Edited 18 hours ago by ThrowawayUser

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, ThrowawayUser said:

I just don't like that my GF renders herself available to other men, they clearly got a green light from her.

The good news is - if you don’t like the boundaries that she sets with other men, you don’t have to date her. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ThrowawayUser said:

I just don't like that my GF renders herself available to other men, they clearly got a green light from her.

A green light to do what? Are you accusing your GF of sleeping with those men? Why? Just because she shared her Instagram account with them?

Why should she block people on Instagram? It’s her own business whom she is having contacts with on social media. You are not in the position to control that.

You sound jealous and possessive. This is not a healthy mindset for a relationship. If your GF doesn’t agree with your boundaries and rules which you believe are common sense, you should break up with her, not impose them on her.

[ThrowawayUser]

No, I don't accuse her of cheating of course. Green light to continue hitting on her. When a guy gets into a successful conversation, tells her she's pretty and successfully gets an instagram profile or phone number, the guy receives all the green lights. That was my point.

I asked her to block a stranger who approached her, picked her up, flirted, then DM'd in instagram to meet. Are you certain this is being possessive and jealous? I am sceptical about myself but also sceptical how you read this situation. Honestly this blocking part is not that important, even to me. The situation is more about that I am not okay with GF showing herself to be available to strangers who flirt on her.  

Rest of the part, I do agree. If my GF has in her mind that different boundaries are healthy, and I have different, then it's hard to enforce my view on someone or accept theirs.

Edited 15 hours ago by ThrowawayUser

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ThrowawayUser said:

I asked her to block a stranger who approached her, picked her up, flirted, then DM'd in instagram to meet. Are you certain this is being possessive and jealous?

But did she agree to meet him? Was it a one on one meeting? You didn’t mention that in your original post.

If they are meeting one on one too much, then I’d say you aren’t being possessive or jealous, just uncomfortable. I’d feel uncomfortable too. But in my opinion, social media doesn’t really mean anything. I don’t see the need to block people for reasons like that.

 

[ThrowawayUser]

What about engaging in a casual few minutes conversation with a guy who approaches you in the street, clearly hits on you, says you're pretty and invites you for a coffee (or house, the other guy).

Then sharing your instagram to him so he hits on you even more but in DMs, and following him on IG to satisfy your curiosity about him or to keep him around just in case? Then hiding that from your BF? Is that perfectly fine in a relationship...?

Edited 13 hours ago by ThrowawayUser

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, ThrowawayUser said:

My girlfriend is pretty and young. When she’s out alone in the city, she sometimes gets approached by guys—usually foreigners. In my opinion, when a guy cold approaches you, you shouldn’t even stop to talk to him. If you already find yourself in this situation talking to a stranger and see his obvious intentions and flirting, you should cut it early with a simple “I have a boyfriend.” I am definitely not saying that all relationships out there in the world should live by this very rule, but it just seems a healthy common sense to me.

Two guys approached her in the same week. She stopped and talked to them, says it was a few minutes conversation. She really does have a hard time saying no to people, setting boundaries, she's a bit timid, says that when someone approaches her she freezes up, etc.

I got a bit upset about it, especially knowing it was a few minutes conversation and not just exchange of two sentences, but I completely let it go after a moment. I forgot about it and maybe was even happy for external validation that she is indeed pretty.

But a month later she finally tells me that they asked for her Instagram. And she shared it to them. She says she gave it so they’d leave her alone. Truth is she actually didn’t message them back on the Instagram. She offered to show me their initial pick-up messages and I noticed she followed them back... It would be nice if she offered to just block them on the spot, but she didn't. Instead I asked her to just block them, and she said “later.”

What do you think? Am I being overly sensitive about this, or is she indeed crossing some healthy relationship boundaries?

but if she did this with women, that's not an issue for you? 

is there anything else you want to control about her life, or any other types of people you don't allow her to speak to?

 

[ThrowawayUser]

I allow her to meet her ex even at 5 AM in the morning, who is our mutual friend. I allow her to live every second day with her another ex's sister, take care of her house etc.. I must be really controlling. 👍

Edited 11 hours ago by ThrowawayUser

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, ThrowawayUser said:

I allow her to meet her ex even at 5 AM in the morning, who is our mutual friend. I allow her to live every second day with her another ex's sister, take care of her house etc.. I must be really controlling. 👍

OP, the bolded word is troubling. You aren’t in a position to allow or to forbid her anything. Just say “I’m fine with…”.

Anyway, in response to your further posts about your GF’s behavior, I can only say this: if you’re so certain that she “keeps guys around, just in case”, break up with her. No relationship can survive without trust.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, ThrowawayUser said:

she finally tells me that they asked for her Instagram. And she shared it to them. She says she gave it so they’d leave her alone.

Yeah, I call BS on that one. 

She is telling you this because she knows you will get upset if she is honest with you. The truth seems to be that she enjoys chatting with them and doesn't see an issue connecting on social media. Any woman in her right mind who is worried about a man and wants him to leaver her alone does not give out her social medai contact. All she had to do there was say no, or that she doesn't have IG, or even give him a fake username. She gave it to him because she wanted to, not because she wanted him to piss off. 

Having said that, it is clear you and your girlfriend have very different boundaries. If you find them incompatible, break up with her. 

9 hours ago, ThrowawayUser said:

I allow her to meet her ex even at 5 AM in the morning, who is our mutual friend. I allow her to live every second day

Your wording here is problematic. You don't get to "allow" her to do anything. You'r e not her dad. I really think your and her mindsets are far too different for a relationhip to work well. 

Edited 2 hours ago by ExpatInItaly