Is there still hope?

[PAOK FC]

 

 

 

Hey everyone,

I'm from Greece, 21 years old, and this is my first post here. I really need some advice because my mind is a mess and I’m trying to make sense of what happened.

 

About 5 weeks ago, I went clubbing with a big group of friends (15-20 people). That’s where I first saw her. She instantly caught my eye, but I’m a shy guy and didn’t have the courage to talk to her. To my surprise, she (20) came up and started talking to me. We talked for quite a while in the club and continued the conversation when we left with the group. She seemed genuinely interested, asking questions and being really engaged.

 

A few days later, we hung out again as a group — me, my friend, her, and one of her friends. After one or two of those outings, she texted me directly asking to go on a one-on-one date. We went on two dates, both went great. Everything felt mutual — chemistry, laughter, comfort.

 

Before our third date, she messaged me saying she didn’t feel the need to pursue something serious. She seemed pretty firm about it. I called her to talk, and during the call she asked me where I was and if we could meet in person. We did, and I told her we should at least give it some more time — that we barely even got to know each other. She agreed, and she made the first move to kiss me and hold my hand. That night, we decided to officially give the relationship a try, under the condition that either of us could walk away if we felt it wasn’t working.

 

The third date happened and went amazingly. We had two more long calls afterward, made plans together, and everything felt warm and natural. Eventually, she came over to my place — we ate, played PlayStation, slept cuddled up, and the next morning we stayed in bed for 3 hours just talking, hugging, kissing. We even took some photos together and I gave her two small birthday gifts. It felt like a real relationship — it was honestly one of the best days of my life.

 

We walked to the bus station holding hands, and everything felt official between us. But the very next day, she called me saying that although I’m a good guy and she had an amazing time (and didn’t regret it), she couldn’t continue because she didn’t feel the same way I felt about her.

 

I was devastated. I tried to convince her not to end things, but she seemed pretty set on her decision.

 

The breakup happened on Saturday 12/4. On Monday 14/4, I messaged her asking if we could talk again because I had calmed down and wanted to say some things. We had a peaceful talk. I apologized for pushing her emotionally during Saturday’s call, and she told me that if she ever felt like texting me again, she would. She said it wasn’t my fault, that I did everything right, but that her feelings were the problem. She also said that she herself had never experienced something so intense with a guy before(that wasn't from the last talk I've already known it)

 

I’m still thinking about it constantly. While we were together, we had amazing compatibility. She was beautiful in a natural way (no makeup), one year younger, really chill and cheerful. I’m usually very picky when it comes to women — if someone doesn’t have that “spark” like she did, I don’t even bother. She had it all.

 

So here are my questions,

 

How can someone change their mind four times in five weeks?

 

How does a girl who made all the first moves — from starting the conversation, to asking me out, to kissing me — suddenly shut it all down?

 

Is it possible that she’ll reconsider eventually?

 

Could it be that she really did have feelings but got overwhelmed because it was her first intense experience and just needs space/time to process?

 

 

We're in a group chat together, so she still sees some of my messages. There’s a chance we might bump into each other again through mutual friends.

 

Any advice or perspectives would help. I'm honestly heartbroken and super confused. Thanks so much to anyone who reads or responds.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited 16 hours ago by PAOK FC

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

 

How can someone change their mind four times in five weeks?

How does a girl who made all the first moves — from starting the conversation, to asking me out, to kissing me — suddenly shut it all down?

I honestly don't know.... it is strange how she acted like she was really into you, but then did a 180.

However, the answers to these questions don't matter now.  She told you that she can't continue dating you because she doesn't feel the same way about you.  That is as clear as it can possibly be.  She decided she doesn't want to date you.  So analyzing it to death and asking all these questions about why things happened the way they did, it won't change anything.  There is nothing left for you to do but accept her decision.

3 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

Is it possible that she’ll reconsider eventually?

That rarely happens.  Sitting around holding on to false hopes that she'll change her mind would be a waste of your time and energy.  If she wanted to be with you, she would be.  She's made her choice.

[PAOK FC]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I honestly don't know.... it is strange how she acted like she was really into you, but then did a 180.

However, the answers to these questions don't matter now.  She told you that she can't continue dating you because she doesn't feel the same way about you.  That is as clear as it can possibly be.  She decided she doesn't want to date you.  So analyzing it to death and asking all these questions about why things happened the way they did, it won't change anything.  There is nothing left for you to do but accept her decision.

That rarely happens.  Sitting around holding on to false hopes that she'll change her mind would be a waste of your time and energy.  If she wanted to be with you, she would be.  She's made her choice.

I feel like she doesn't know what she wants and needs space and time to consider all that happened, maybe I'll send her a message to ask how she feels in a few days or if I see her in person in a night out

Edited 12 hours ago by PAOK FC

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

I feel like she doesn't know what she wants and needs space and time to consider all that happened 

She made her decision very clear to you.  For you to say that you don't think she knows what she wants, that's kind of disrespectful.  Like you're implying that you don't think she's capable of making her own decisions and knowing what she wants, despite the fact that she clearly told you exactly what she wants (and it's to discontinue dating you).  You'll find that life is easier if you face reality and accept it, rather than stay in denial.

[PAOK FC]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She made her decision very clear to you.  For you to say that you don't think she knows what she wants, that's kind of disrespectful.  Like you're implying that you don't think she's capable of making her own decisions and knowing what she wants, despite the fact that she clearly told you exactly what she wants (and it's to discontinue dating you).  You'll find that life is easier if you face reality and accept it, rather than stay in denial.

Yeah but plenty of women say the same thing and eventually come back after some time, it's very common actually, we came very close to forget it so easily 

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry, but you are looking at it wrong, OP. 

You keep saying how this felt great and there was amazing connection and chemistry and how it was like a real relationship. And then you wonder how her feelings could change so fast.

But the truth is that you were the one who had those feelings. You thought the connection was strong and deep enough to start a relationship. She obviously didn’t feel and didn’t think so. I know it’s hard and unpleasant, but a big part of becoming a mature person is to stop projecting our feelings on other people. You have to understand that, just because you feel a certain way and want a certain thing, it doesn’t mean the other person feels and wants it too.

Yes, she initiated a few things and she wanted to try something. But she made it clear right away that this was just a trial run. She actually didn’t want to start anything serious in the beginning. You begged her to give you a chance. She did give you a chance, and she warned you it was just that, a chance. She tried it, and decided she didn’t want to continue it. She wasn’t dishonest, she didn’t lead you on. Believe me, there are much more hurtful, deceptive, and manipulative things people sometimes do to each other in their romantic life.

One thing you should definitely stop doing now is hope for her to come back. It’s patronizing to think she ended it because she was overwhelmed or something like that. And it’s humiliating for you to chase her when it’s clear that she doesn’t want you.

 

Edited 10 hours ago by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

I feel like she doesn't know what she wants and needs space and time to consider all that happened

All this says is that you are not listening to her, and think you know her better than she knows herself. This woman is practically a stranger to you. She has been clear that she doesn't want to continue. Your job now is to work on accpeting that rather than pester her to reconsider. You will make a nuisance of yourself, and I don't think you want that. 

6 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

maybe I'll send her a message to ask how she feels in a few days

No, man. You really need to stop. It's not a good look to keep chasing someone who has said no. 

6 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

Yeah but plenty of women say the same thing and eventually come back after some time, it's very common actually,

Woman here. You are young and still have plenty to learn, but I can assure you there are just as many women who don't do this. And I can guarantee you that if you don't step back and leave her be now, you will ruin any possible future chance that she might have a change of heart. 

Look, I get that you are hurt and disappointed. But it seems to me you got way too ahead of yourself when you barely knew her. Try not to put the cart before the horse in the future, and never beg someone to be with you or keep hassling them to change their mind when they have been clear that they don't wish to keep going. It's not good for your self-respect and it's a turn-off to the woman in question. 

[MsJayne]

My advice is to let it go, if you keep pushing she may lose her temper with you and then it will be worse than it is now. It sounds like you rushed things a bit, and often when this happens one person might feel like it's become too intense too soon and it makes them uncomfortable, even if they're the one who was dictating the direction of things. Best thing to do is back off altogether, and if you see her when out with friends just be friendly and act like it never happened. I know that's hard, but if you have any tiny chance of attracting her again it will only happen if you send the silent message that you're not crushed by the rejection, (even if you are). 

[PAOK FC]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but you are looking at it wrong, OP. 

You keep saying how this felt great and there was amazing connection and chemistry and how it was like a real relationship. And then you wonder how her feelings could change so fast.

But the truth is that you were the one who had those feelings. You thought the connection was strong and deep enough to start a relationship. She obviously didn’t feel and didn’t think so. I know it’s hard and unpleasant, but a big part of becoming a mature person is to stop projecting our feelings on other people. You have to understand that, just because you feel a certain way and want a certain thing, it doesn’t mean the other person feels and wants it too.

Yes, she initiated a few things and she wanted to try something. But she made it clear right away that this was just a trial run. She actually didn’t want to start anything serious in the beginning. You begged her to give you a chance. She did give you a chance, and she warned you it was just that, a chance. She tried it, and decided she didn’t want to continue it. She wasn’t dishonest, she didn’t lead you on. Believe me, there are much more hurtful, deceptive, and manipulative things people sometimes do to each other in their romantic life.

One thing you should definitely stop doing now is hope for her to come back. It’s patronizing to think she ended it because she was overwhelmed or something like that. And it’s humiliating for you to chase her when it’s clear that she doesn’t want you.

 

Do you believe it's impossible that she ended it because she was overwhelmed and had commitment issues? as I said it doesn't make sense, when we were together she was talking about our next plans, photos etc. She said we have a lot in common, also when we made the deal we said that it will be a serious relationship and we will give each other time, it's difficult to develop feelings that fast. Isn't it possible that it was too much for her and wants some time to clear out her thoughts? What I saw from her is that something keeps her back, her actions showed deep emotions. I can't close tje door completely because the signs showed that she can come back, there's a mutual respect between and she's a good person, I think it's impossible that she doesn't think of me, we came too close, and she's a deep thinker, so still take her seriously 

Edited 3 hours ago by PAOK FC

[PAOK FC]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All this says is that you are not listening to her, and think you know her better than she knows herself. This woman is practically a stranger to you. She has been clear that she doesn't want to continue. Your job now is to work on accpeting that rather than pester her to reconsider. You will make a nuisance of yourself, and I don't think you want that. 

No, man. You really need to stop. It's not a good look to keep chasing someone who has said no. 

Woman here. You are young and still have plenty to learn, but I can assure you there are just as many women who don't do this. And I can guarantee you that if you don't step back and leave her be now, you will ruin any possible future chance that she might have a change of heart. 

Look, I get that you are hurt and disappointed. But it seems to me you got way too ahead of yourself when you barely knew her. Try not to put the cart before the horse in the future, and never beg someone to be with you or keep hassling them to change their mind when they have been clear that they don't wish to keep going. It's not good for your self-respect and it's a turn-off to the woman in question. 

I won't send her to reconsider, we can still have a relaxing conversation as friends, she liked escape rooms for example, we can go to an escape room with friends, or something like that, to be in touch. She was clear and cold at the beginning because she saw that I was insisted and tried to defend herself. I didn't let jer express what she wanted clearly and then tried to keep a distance. Her feelings were mixed only if I see her again I'll find out some things better , she said no for now, maybe she wants to discuss it with family and friends, it's something new to her and she may felt better to end it for a while and think. Her whole attitude seemed like she likes me a lot but she was in a defensive position and didn't want to rush things more 

Edited 3 hours ago by PAOK FC

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

Her whole attitude seemed like she likes me a lot but she was in a defensive position and didn't want to rush things more 

You need to listen what she told you. 

13 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

she couldn’t continue because she didn’t feel the same way I felt about her.

You really need to just let it go. No friendly conversations, no plans for meet-ups. Just let it be. 

[PAOK FC]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to listen what she told you. 

You really need to just let it go. No friendly conversations, no plans for meet-ups. Just let it be. 

Why she was so sure that she wants to continue it and made plans for the future, told me to come at her place do new things together? Does it make sense? To me seems more like confusion, she was the one who made the first step in messaging me kissing me etc. Also 16 days passed, and we still have mutual respect to eachother, why would be strange to send a "how are you " "how you feel now". There were so many moments where we both felt deep connection, it was something special, and she is a really good person to just let it go, it's the only way to find out if she still wants contract and has the door open

Edited 2 hours ago by PAOK FC

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

Why she was so sure that she wants to continue it and made plans for the future, told me to come at her place do new things together?

I have no idea Nobody here can answer for her on that. And it doesn't really matter when she has told you she doesn't want to continue dating. All the "why" and "but...what if.." questions won't get you anywhere and won't change her decision. 

4 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

To me seems more like confusion, she was the one who made the first step in messaging me kissing me etc.

So what if it seems this way to you? it doesn't mean you are right. She has told you isn't going to go further. Listen to that. Respect it. 

5 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

why would be strange to send a "how are you " "how you feel now"

Becasue you have already been too pushy and too insistent. This will make you look desperate and like you can't let go. It isn't going to help your case, bud. I am not sure how else to explain that to you. 

[PAOK FC]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have no idea Nobody here can answer for her on that. And it doesn't really matter when she has told you she doesn't want to continue dating. All the "why" and "but...what if.." questions won't get you anywhere and won't change her decision. 

So what if it seems this way to you? it doesn't mean you are right. She has told you isn't going to go further. Listen to that. Respect it. 

Becasue you have already been too pushy and too insistent. This will make you look desperate and like you can't let go. It isn't going to help your case, bud. I am not sure how else to explain that to you. 

Of course it matters, when you start something serious you give time to develop feelings, and you make promises means that you want to continue and make a stronger bond, this is why I believe she needs time make some things more clear, you can't make a final decision too soon, she shared so many things and opened too much to say that it makes sense to end it like that

Edited 2 hours ago by PAOK FC

[MsJayne]

10 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

and you make promises

May I ask what promises were made? 

[PAOK FC]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

May I ask what promises were made? 

That we will both wait a month at least to see how it goes, that she will call me the next day after she come to my place to talk to her friends, that she really wants to start something new and I'm her boyfriend, she wanted photos to make memories and much more, idk she was really unpredictable, that's why I can't understand her, it's not that simple believe me

[PAOK FC]

@Gebidozowatch the last message and you will understand why her attitude doesn't make sense

[MsJayne]

11 minutes ago, PAOK FC said:

That we will both wait a month at least to see how it goes, that she will call me the next day after she come to my place to talk to her friends, that she really wants to start something new and I'm her boyfriend, she wanted photos to make memories and much more, idk she was really unpredictable, that's why I can't understand her, it's not that simple believe me

OK, well in that case I can only say be wary of someone who runs hot and cold. Best thing you can do is just assume it's over and stop holding out false hope. Regardless of what she's said, she clearly felt the narrative of this "relationship" was all about her, and maybe that's a personality trait of hers that you should perhaps give a bit of thought to. You want to contact her because you believe she was as invested as you, but her actions say she's not. We all see it but you can't because you've got the love hormone clouding your logic. If she changes her mind she'll reach out, trust me on this, and the worst thing you can do right now is pursue. 

[PAOK FC]

22 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

OK, well in that case I can only say be wary of someone who runs hot and cold. Best thing you can do is just assume it's over and stop holding out false hope. Regardless of what she's said, she clearly felt the narrative of this "relationship" was all about her, and maybe that's a personality trait of hers that you should perhaps give a bit of thought to. You want to contact her because you believe she was as invested as you, but her actions say she's not. We all see it but you can't because you've got the love hormone clouding your logic. If she changes her mind she'll reach out, trust me on this, and the worst thing you can do right now is pursue. 

I witnessed her actions very clearly, it's exactly what you said, or too excited to continue or it's over, but what I remember from the last conversation is that she still likes me and appreciates all we did together, but I think everyone in my position would think the same scenario. Also notice that she was inexperienced and maybe all this still holds her back to her comfort zone, when we were in relationship she said that she realized she faced some commitment issues. Maybe she invested more than me, but then the commitment issues appeared again and felt like she had to fight with her inner self, and rejected me because she wanted to clear out things. Maybe I'm delusional, but think about, her whole attitude makes sense that something holds her back and not just a simple rejection, I'm not saying it's not possible of course , also she has still the presents, maybe they will play role for a second thought 

Edited 1 hour ago by PAOK FC

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, PAOK FC said:

That night, we decided to officially give the relationship a try, under the condition that either of us could walk away if we felt it wasn’t working.

I just want to remind you that you wrote these words.

She clearly decided it was not working and decided to walk away. If you were sincere when you agreed to the words, you will let her walk away. You won't look for not-so-honest reasons to continue to tether yourself to her (for instance, "we're just good friends"). Let her go, PAOK FC. Otherwise, you will get deeply hurt when she inevitably starts dating some other guy.

There's a valuable lesson to be learned here: it's that you should steer clear of people who give you mixed signals. Someone who really wants to be with you will not show ambivalence or oscillate between two extremes. Another lesson: if someone shows reluctance to date you when it's early days, don't try to convince them to stay longer and try. If they do stay, you will just get more attached and have greater difficulty dealing with the breakup when it finally comes.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PAOK FC said:

Of course it matters, when you start something serious you give time to develop feelings, and you make promises means that you want to continue and make a stronger bond,

So she was not allowed to change her mind? 

You are being unreasonable. 

[PAOK FC]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I just want to remind you that you wrote these words.

She clearly decided it was not working and decided to walk away. If you were sincere when you agreed to the words, you will let her walk away. You won't look for not-so-honest reasons to continue to tether yourself to her (for instance, "we're just good friends"). Let her go, PAOK FC. Otherwise, you will get deeply hurt when she inevitably starts dating some other guy.

There's a valuable lesson to be learned here: it's that you should steer clear of people who give you mixed signals. Someone who really wants to be with you will not show ambivalence or oscillate between two extremes. Another lesson: if someone shows reluctance to date you when it's early days, don't try to convince them to stay longer and try. If they do stay, you will just get more attached and have greater difficulty dealing with the breakup when it finally comes.

Yes but I forgot to say the fact that we agreed to give time and not just 1 week. Serious relationships meed time and trust. Do you believe that I should end it after the 2nd date? I respect her opinion but the time was too little and why to make so many plans and show so much excitement if you aren't sure?

[PAOK FC]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So she was not allowed to change her mind? 

You are being unreasonable. 

No, it was too soon and out of what we agreed , also my friends and close relatives say to give her time because she is confused so idk 

Edited 52 minutes ago by PAOK FC

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, PAOK FC said:

No, it was too soon and out of what we agreed 

You cannot be serious. 

Anyone is allowed to change their minds at any time. They are not obligated to stay with you. They do not need your permission to end it with you. You are going to have a very, very hard time dating if you continue to hold such ridiculous and unrealistic expectations. 

She might have sensed this about you and seen red flags. I personally would see your behaviour and mindset as a warning sign to stay away from. You don't get to control people like that or expect that they can't exercise their free will to call it off. 

[PAOK FC]

15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You cannot be serious. 

Anyone is allowed to change their minds at any time. They are not obligated to stay with you. They do not need your permission to end it with you. You are going to have a very, very hard time dating if you continue to hold such ridiculous and unrealistic expectations. 

She might have sensed this about you and seen red flags. I personally would see your behaviour and mindset as a warning sign to stay away from. You don't get to control people like that or expect that they can't exercise their free will to call it off. 

Ok then what are the signs that a person is confused and doesn't know what he/she wants? I see all the signs possible that show an unstable behaviour, I know so many things about her personal life, she opened up too much. Also I want to find a girlfriend that is as beautiful as her and with such character, if she is into me but doesn't have both I don't even bother, I know my standards. When both agree with something it's an agreement, you can't say I change it, we gave hands, it was mutual.

Edited 32 minutes ago by PAOK FC