Should give this a chance, I see love as ups and downs thick and thin.

[Danny D]

I recently just had the calmest argument in my life, which I'm proud of myself for, with the person who I finally considered moving forward with. We had our fallouts, which I took accountability for, and she called it quits, but I had tried my best to show her my resolve—really tried to show her, hey, I'm low-key for you. What happened prior to our last argument resurfaced in the new argument; she felt me moving differently, and it inevitably came out. Not what she thought, though. I told her, "All I'd want is for you to follow my lead in this fitness and health journey. She would tell me she desired that but would take one step forward and two steps back. And that caused me to internally step back. You telling me you want this and me trying to help you being met with weird resistance, I kept hope though she would get it. I'm a person who will tell you what's up; that's just how I was raised. When it came to her, it was a difficult task. When I uttered that statement, a look of disgust & betrayal was all I saw on her face. I genuinely felt like a bad person for saying that when that was not the intention whatsoever. It was just to shine a light on her weaknesses, acknowledging them and strengthening them. Quick aftermath, she said no contact. Me not wanting to give up some deep reflection and crazy behavior throughout the month December reached out, apologizing, and bought her a ring to show her, I still choose you! I didn't follow through with it, returned the ring, and told myself, Not like this. Once the 25th passed and New Year's came, I told myself, This person is never going to talk to me again. Shocker, boom, on New Year's Day, she texts me. Whoa! We had a deep conversation; a lot of accountability was taken on both sides. I was shocked that she was able to take accountability for her actions. Understood, not the way I truly thought. That it was her insecurities that set her off, acknowledging that in my mind I'm like, YES! She can take accountability and extreme ownership too! I can work with this. I mentioned dating and potentially getting back together, and she gave her piece. Long story short, she's not trying to date, but after hearing my deep reflection, she changed it ever so slightly. Another month and we can start again. I also peeped something about the dating, and I mentioned it despite how painful it was to say. "If you find yourself wanting to date someone else, let me know. That's all I ask. I'll be saddened, yes, but I'll respect it vice versa. She & I agreed and gave each other our word. I also told her in any relationship things get tough; that's just how it is, unfortunately. I can't have you tap out when it gets that way; to me, that's not love. Longest month January of my life. We started, and she's doing her thing, but slowly I saw the patterns and something new: disrespect. I came over one day, and she had a vape pen. I've never ever seen her use one in my presence. She's fondling it, pulling on it, and I decided to ask her, What's the deal with that pen? "Oh, my coworker, it's "his," and I wanted it, so I took it. "I'm not an angry person, but I was upset. I didn't crash out, excused myself, went to the bathroom, washed my face, and came back but didn't sit next to her. In my mind I was thinking, trying to remain calm inadvertently, I decided to communicate to comprehend to understand. It was hard, but I told her what you were doing with that vape pen is pure violation; she really didn't think so. I give examples to her: "You know I don't smoke anymore, but you see me with one and ask. I tell you, I was at that gym working out with a woman, and I saw she had a vape pen, and I wanted it and took it. Now I have it before you playing with it and smoking it. That's not a problem to you? Her response: DEADASS! No. Digging further, I ask her, is that person special to you? No, she said. " Disrespect: 1. We inevitably wrapped it up and got past it, communicated to comprehend, and she threw it away and told me that she wouldn't do that anymore. I'm like, Ok, thank you. Anyone else, I couldn't imagine what would happen. Disrespect number 2 with weird resistance. I went through her deep freezer and noticed she had chicken not properly wrapped in there. I mentioned it to her before and the importance of why you shouldn't do that; she's a nurse, BTW. I tell her, and the gist of it is she told me pretty much I'm still going to do it.... I'm like, I am telling you that is wrong, and you're willingly remaining ignorant?!? I see you doing something that can compromise your health; I'm worried about your well-being. Trying to remain calm, I just said, That's not cute whatsoever; don't do that. Grand finale: Disrespect number 3, and what hurts the most is lying. I value honesty—telling the truth when asking a question—and transparency—telling me something that I don't know. This is recent. I call her, and we're talking, asking about each other's day and whatnot. She eventually tells me what she's going to do. Take a vacation day and "go out." I'm like, Oh, are you going with friends? Typically what that meant was redacting going out *running errands now. Until now my sixth sense activates. "Why did she do that?" She tells me everything she's going to, as always. Assemble my shelf and help out my mother with the baby and clean-up period, ok? Can you come over and see me tomorrow? Yes, you can. The next day, I get my day started, hit the gym early, and wrap up my task in a timely fashion so I can see my girl. Despite everything that had happened during our dating, I had finally decided, I'm going to ask this woman to be my girlfriend. The day is almost coming to an end, and I decided to give her a ring; the phone goes to voicemail. She messages me one minute, ok, that's normal. What wasn't was that an hour had passed; she eventually texted me. Hey, I'll be home by 9pm, ok? I got to her place and asked her, If you're not too tired, let's build that Lego set I got you! She and I love to do it; it's fun and therapeutic and brings out our inner child. She says yes, we begin, and I put on a movie for some background, and we get going. Throughout, though, I noticed her energy was off. Hey, are you ok? You've been tired before, but you've never given me this type of energy. It's like when you talk to me, it's so monotone, and when you're on your phone, from what I observe, you're texting. Your demeanor changes. I'm peeping all of it; the phone goes off, moving with silent urgency, but I see it.* This was an opportunity for her to be transparent. No, I'm ok, just a busy day. Me: Ok, you sure? We eventually finished building the Lego set, and then I asked the universe for a sign, crazy, right? Typically if something goes my way, like a coin flip, etc., things are cool; if it doesn't, something is wrong. The coin flip was not in my favor. I'm like, Dammit! So my sixth sense starts increasing even more. We go to bed together, and I have the craziest premonition lucid dream on repeat, giving big hints when they usually give subtle hints toward the future. Me and her and me asking, Who is he?! Then it zooms to her phone. Like a nightmare, I wake up, try and shake it off, and try to go back to sleep—instant dream repeat! I'm thinking, is the universe trying to tell me to search the phone?! Man, I don't do that! I eventually give in and do it. I got to open her laptop, which is connected to a phone, and saw the messages. I didn't find any in the message list. Then I scroll back to the top; I see a keyword in her girlfriend chat: boyfriend. "Hey girl, sorry, I was touring apartments with my boyfriend. Anger and sadness at that very moment tried to become one, but I stopped them. Looking around the page, I saw someone's face that looked interesting. I clicked it, and the messages thread appeared; she was touring apartments with him. I was shocked. Why didn't she tell me?!? We spoke about this topic before, and she gave her word. Proactively withholding all this information behind my back and moving weird—for what? Afterwards I wanted to violate her, do her dirty. I decided not to, understanding that's not me. I managed to remain calm and had another way to minimize violation. I decided to play along and went back to bed with her; she eventually woke up. I decided to talk to her then about something else I truly meant, despite knowing the information I knew. I told her I was proud of her for actually being consistent with her health and fitness; I was so happy she was beginning to see the importance and value of it. We kissed, confusion on my end from the kiss. We talked a bit more; she tells me my motivation came from you and back then. I say that's ok.... Hmm, thinking. How do you feel toward me now? Do you bear any resentment? No, I wouldn't use that word. I say, is it some negative emotion? Yes, sadness towards you. Follows up with, I could care less about how you think about it too. Internalizing it, I played it off, but it shook my world. I just held her tight, fighting back tears, and couldn't go back to sleep. We eventually got up, and I said we should take a walk. I mentioned me pacing around this morning and told her it was because I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend again, which I did ask her. She gave a long, dramatic pause. I'm like, Please don't say yes. She says no and tells me that someone else asked to date her. I'm breaking character now. I say yea, your boyfriend. I saw the "message." She began to lie to my face. I haven't decided that yet. I tell her I saw the "messages" between your girlfriend too. What do you mean he's not your boyfriend?! You told her that. Why are you lying with your hand in the cookie jar?!? I was going to tell you, but I knew how you would act. I say this is nothing compared to last time. I'm talking to you in a very calm tone, not breaking down in tears, nothing. I learned from last time; that's not how you carry yourself, and I told myself, Never again, do better. That's not what you saw. Huh? Are you telling me I don't know how to read?! Look, I'm saddened that you are dating, but I'm angry and disappointed with you for how much you're trying to lie to me like I'm some idiot. I go on a tangent. I'm not trying to be rude explaining everything that we've gone through, vice versa. I tell her I want to see a future with you, but I don't, and I question your outlook on a future with me. She told me she still wants to be friends. I say I want to be more than friends, and I wouldn't want a person who lies in that capacity to be my friend; that's not a friend. Looking at her empty expression, I go in my mind back to what she said in the bed conversation from the early morning about not caring about my feelings. I say, I know you're busy and don't want to take up more of your time, and I'm sure you don't care. We walk back to the apartment. I wanted to say more, but my emotions started getting in the pilot seat. Before it was too late, I grabbed my wallet and left without saying a word. I'm finally grounded, but now I find myself wanting to talk to her, possibly giving her a chance despite lying if she truly hasn't decided. 

[flitzanu]

i'd suggest breaking this up with paragraphs and better spacing, this is really difficult to read in this format.

[basil67]

Please also add a TL:DR

[MsJayne]

I'm not sure I understood correctly because of the writing style, but it sounds like you police her every move. That must be incredibly suffocating for her.