My son and DIL having major issues just need some perspective

[SarahLeigh16]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this.

I’m really struggling right now and not sure how to emotionally get through this and not sure if there’s anything I can do but wait to see how this unfolds.  

My son and his now wife are in their late 20’s.  

They dated for about 3 years before they got married just very recently.

I’ll give you some info about my son as a person.   Very sensitive guy.   Has always been kind, sensitive, even tempered, funny, shy.   This is his 3rd relationship, the one with his wife.  He has a great personality, happy person, but he always had a very hard time talking to girls.  

He meets this girl online, I love her right away.  They are very well suited for each other.   Common interests, they do a lot of fun things together.   They are both professionals.  He has a good job and so does she, and she’s in school to better herself and hope to progress in her field.   She’s super sweet and they are very good together.  Very kind to each other, affectionate, fun to be around.   Just overall good kids.   We go out to dinner together and we vacation together about once a year, spend holidays together, the normal stuff.

Last fall she found out he was injecting testosterone.  (I didn’t know he did this)   He’s a body builder, eats super healthy, very active guy.   He doesn’t compete or anything it’s just a hobby and a passion for him.   He’s been into body building about 7 years now and he’s very serious about it.  He started testosterone injections about 6 years ago, before he met her.   He hid it from her and she found out about it and asked him about it.

It’s very important to her that she be with someone who doesn’t do any substances at all.    So she was shocked and asked him to stop.   He told her he had always planned to stop once they decided to start a family and he would stop now.   But he didn’t, he kept doing it and hiding it from her.   She found out again and confronted him again.  At that point they agreed that he could keep doing it at a low dose until they wanted to start a family in about a year or so.   She was very strict with him about this, she felt like she was compromising a ton and told him if she found he was hiding and lying again she would leave.      Then a few months later he tells her that he doesn’t want any children.  He has decided he doesn’t want to change his lifestyle and he’s scared of having kids.  They talk this out a little bit and decide to revisit the conversation later since they weren't planning on having kids for another year or two anyway.   BUT they had talked about having kids before they got married and he said he wanted to have kids.

Then a month or so after that discussion she found he had increased his testosterone dosage, which was something he agreed not to do, and hid it from her and lied about it when she found out.  

She left him just for a night, he asked her to come back so they could talk.   They came to yet another agreement about how they will move forward but I don’t feel good about it.   I feel he will follow the same pattern and will break that agreement again.   He feels like it's part of his healthy lifestyle and he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong by doing it.   And also he's now saying he definitely doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to change his lifestyle.

He’s being very selfish and stubborn.  I know how much he loves her and he doesn't want to lose her.   But he can't have it both ways.   He's afraid of losing her but not enough to stop doing it.    

She confides in me I think because she knows I love my son and I think she’s afraid if she confides in her friends they will not like him anymore or be in support of their relationship. So I'm the person she goes to when she wants to talk this through.   I almost wish I didn't know.

My son doesn’t know that I know any of this.

I am an emotional mess.   He is being very selfish and if I were her I would leave.   

He refuses counseling.  She thinks he’s addicted to the testosterone and this is why he has changed his mind on having kids.   They love each other very much.   I know how much she loves him and he keeps telling her how much he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her.  And when he’s confronted with the fact that she might leave he cries and begs her to stay and tells her how much he loves her.   But he won’t change his actions or change his mind on having kids.

If he knew that I knew all of this stuff he would be upset with her for sure.   And I don’t think me stepping in will help with any of it anyway.  

I think she needs to walk away and start rebuilding her life with someone who has the same values, even if it hurts my son.   I hate to see her compromise so much. 

I’m a mess.   I can’t figure out how to detach a little bit and let them work this out on their own.  I can’t stop myself from being devastated for her and wanting to advise her to leave him.   If she wants kids and he doesn’t want kids, she should go.    I don’t think he did it intentionally but she feels mislead for sure.  

I wonder if he’s so addicted to the drug and that it is affecting his other decisions.   Lying and hiding his use of this and his dose amounts and deciding he doesn’t want kids when previously he said he wanted children and she based her decision on marriage on this.  

I appreciate any insight.   (Also, I'm posting this and then heading to work and will not have time to reply to anything until much later, so please if you have any thoughts and want to post, I appreciate all of it even if I can't respond for a while)

[Acacia98]

I agree with you. She should end it. The secrecy and deception are red flags. And I don't know anything about injecting testosterone, but his behavior suggests that there's some kind of stigma/shame attached to it? Otherwise, why would he behave the way he's been behaving? And then there's the fact that they're not on the same page about having kids. I really don't see any way forward for them.

Is there some third party she can talk to about this? Not you or a friend. Perhaps a counselor or something?

[MsJayne]

This must be awful for you. Your daughter-in-law sounds like a lovely woman so I see why you feel so torn, and you're right that she should leave him. With addictions in spousal relationships it goes that as long as the partner tolerates it, (continues the relationship with no actual repercussions on the addict), the addiction will continue in exactly the way you describe, the secrecy, selfishness, etc. If you haven't already done so I suggest you and your DIL read up on the effects of testosterone on cognitive function and mood, arm yourselves with knowledge and facts, and then stage an intervention. Either he stops his BS or she leaves and goes immediate no contact, and she has to be prepared to follow through with it. I know you don't want to interfere but your DIL needs back-up here because he's just walking all over her. You, as his mum, need to call out his behaviour, and be brutal about it. Slam every excuse he makes and tell him to spend less time gazing in the gym mirror at himself and more time being a man. It sounds like you're dealing with this on your own, may I ask is his father around?

[Els]

It's a pity that your son is endangering his health, but he's an adult and has been one for roughly 10 years.

Given that they are in their late 20s, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think you should stay out of it unless your son asks for your advice. You can advise the DIL to leave because she asked for your advice, but you shouldn't get involved otherwise. Personally I would advise the DIL to talk to a therapist who isn't related to either of you.

Think about it - would your parents getting involved have helped you in any of your adult relationships? Generally speaking it makes things worse and messier. They will just feel like you are taking their partner's side and in response they will alienate themselves from you. It also feels like a betrayal of confidence for her to be discussing private relationship issues with you without his consent - it's understandable for her to do that with her close friends, but really sketchy for her to be doing that with his mother.

Which leads me to the crux of my post - really, who talks about their relationship issues at length with their mother in law??? Does she truly not have anyone else to confide in, and if not why not? It feels to me like she's intentionally hoping you'll get involved, which feels a bit manipulative on her part. 

She should really just leave instead of trying to get mommy to haul her nearly 30yo husband in line.

 

[SarahLeigh16]

Thank you all for your posts.

About his father, he is in the picture but not someone who is helpful in these situations.  Since our divorce 15 years ago, he has begun drinking a lot and is a full on alcoholic at this point.   My son sees him often, going to his house to help him clean his house and runs errands, mows the lawn, etc. for his dad.  But he's an angry person and I don't think my son would turn to him for any sort of advice.

My DIL has a distant relationship with her mom, they aren't close.  She does have a few close friends but I think she doesn't want to confide in them with this specific problem.   I'm wishing I didn't know these things but I also don't want to turn her away.    I think I will suggest counseling to her in the hopes that she will have someone else to talk to.    I don't think she thinks I'm going to 'get him in line', I think when this problem first started she didn't know who to turn to with it.   She hasn't once asked me to talk to him to change his mind or get him to stop, etc.   I think she needs an ear to talk to and I happen to be it.    She's a sweet person and I am grateful that she felt like she could trust me but at the same time I really don't want to be involved.    If their relationship ends I still want to have a relationship with my son.   

This is all very uncharacteristic of him, the lying and hiding things.  Which makes me think it's an addiction and he'll do anything to keep doing it.