wawaluigi57 Posted April 27 Posted April 27 I grew up with a tough dad and we were poor. Over time, I've noticed that my personality—something my ex-girlfriends have pointed out—can be cold, overly cautious with money, and sometimes selfish. My dad wasn’t very loving, and breakups have made me a more emotionally distant person. I tend to be blunt and callous in my comments, which I realized is how my dad was to me. Basically never being good enough and I have noticed I do that to the girls I date. Calling out their perceived flaws. I also have trust issues. I don’t want to be taken advantage of, so I tend to prefer things being 50/50. If you do something good for me, I’ll return the favor. One of my exes pointed out that I can be very transactional in that sense. But is that wrong? I feel like it keeps things fair, so neither person feels cheated or used. I don't give too much of myself because I'm afraid of getting hurt and taken advantage of. The first date I will pay, but the second date I will test that person. See if they are just using me for a good time or if they will offer to pay. I've seen too many stories of one-sided relationships, and don't like being taken advantage of. As for being a huge saver, that's a result of growing up poor. I can be somewhat of a "half-asser" when it comes to spending. I save a lot of my money, but recently, I'm learning to enjoy it more. I’ll spend on things here and there, but I still tend to cut corners—like going cheap on hotels or meals when I go on vacation. I have a hard time trying to be comfortable with spending money and actually enjoying it. Without feeling guilty. When it comes to being selfish, I think that goes hand in hand with being emotionally cold. I’ve learned that people come and go in life, and at the end of the day, the only person who will consistently look out for me is myself. So, I tend to make decisions that benefit me first. This can affect my relationships because my ex-girlfriends often felt that I didn’t really care for them, that it was more of a transactional connection. It’s hard to self-reflect and recognize how your upbringing and environment shape your relationships, but I’m trying to be more aware of it. Anyone have past traumas that is effecting their dating life?
ShyViolet Posted April 27 Posted April 27 Well it's good that you are recognizing these things now. The first step is admitting it and becoming aware of it. Honestly you sound like a person who is very difficult to be in a relationship with. Emotionally cold, pointing out your partner's flaws, not being willing to give too much, being transactional..... You should go to therapy to work on these issues or else you'll just sabotage every relationship you will ever have. 2
smackie9 Posted April 27 Posted April 27 (edited) I agree you won't get much further improving your relationships and life unless you get help. Now that you have saved your dollars, invest in yourself and your future with the gift of therapy. Edited April 27 by smackie9 1
Els Posted April 27 Posted April 27 I hope you are able to talk to a therapist about this. Your past and upbringing is unfortunately the way it is. But you also have a choice. You can allow it to keep running the show, to keep destroying your relationships and preventing you from living a full life... Or you can get cognitive behavioral therapy, learn to recognize when your thoughts fall into these patterns and how to manage them, and take your life back from your dad. All the best. 1
Miss Chrysalis Posted April 28 Posted April 28 You're self aware, so you have that going for you. Keeping digging to figure yourself out or seek therapy...it can really help. 1
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