Am I being abused?

[firstrelationship10]

I need help, sorry i'm neurodivergent and i need to understand this.

Today my long distance girlfriend called me, out of no where she says in a very accusing, emotionally heightened tone, "WHY DO YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT COMING TO SEE ME!!??"

I found this odd as we have been calling regularly, texting and organized taking leave so I can see her in two weeks.

I immediately apologised, and told her i was sorry I haven't spoken about it as I have been unwell and i reassured her i want to see her (I have been unwell which she is aware of)

She just said "ok" I then asked her "Are yo upset?" as I felt bad and she just said "i'm really annoyed" so I told her i was sorry,

After a bit of silence, maybe this was the wrong time to bring this up, (but it has been on my mind) i very calmy said to her that i've noticed a pattern in the way we communicate and i explained to her that i feel sometimes she jumps to emotional conclusions and reacts emotionally without asking me for clarification.

She reacted explosively and said she is "turned off by me" and hung up on me.

I texted her advising I was disappointed by her reaction and wanted to speak about it.

She starts texting me long messages about how she is "disgusted" by what i said, how I dismissed her feelings, How i should know based on past experienced (me not acting excited to see her) that she gets 'triggered' by these things, how i create an unsafe place for her to speak how she feels and i'm emotionally manipulative.

I'm very scared and confused. When i enter what she says in ChatGPT it says she is emotionally abusing me.

I'm so used to always being the 'bad guy' and saying sorry. Please help

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

i feel sometimes she jumps to emotional conclusions and reacts emotionally without asking me for clarification.

First up, she should have raised the issue with you before she got all wound up.  

However you way of addressing the issue was a direct criticism of her and would have put her on the defensive.  Your follow up about being disappointed in her reaction only made it worse.   Defusing the situation would have been a much better approach.    You would have been better off phrasing it in a way which seeks to solve the problem without blame.    "Sometimes we get our wires crossed.  If you're ever confused or unsure, please jump in and ask me so that I can clear it up and you don't get worried.  It's only two weeks now - I'm really looking forward to seeing you"

All that said, if she's prone to being explosive and moody and you think that better communication will not fix it, you're better off just ending it than always seeking to defuse.   

And no, this isn't abuse.  It's just unpleasant behaviour

Edited Sunday at 07:44 AM by basil67

[firstrelationship10]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

First up, she should have raised the issue with you before she got all wound up.  

However you way of addressing the issue was a direct criticism of her and would have put her on the defensive.  Your follow up about being disappointed in her reaction only made it worse.   Defusing the situation would have been a much better approach.    You would have been better off phrasing it in a way which seeks to solve the problem without blame.    "Sometimes we get our wires crossed.  If you're ever confused or unsure, please jump in and ask me so that I can clear it up and you don't get worried.  It's only two weeks now - I'm really looking forward to seeing you"

All that said, if she's prone to being explosive and moody and you think that better communication will not fix it, you're better off just ending it than always seeking to defuse.   

And no, this isn't abuse.  It's just unpleasant behaviour

Ah ok thanks, i felt like i was very calm when speaking to her about it and nonchalent and even reassured her i wasn't attacking her

I guess i came across as harshly critising her

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Please help

We all gave you a lot of good advice in your last thread about this. 

Have you reflected on that? Because the problems here are not really different from your other thread. We are going to wind up repeating ourselves, so I am curious what you intend to actually do about all of this. 

According to your last thread, though, this woman is not actually your girlfriend because you didn't want to make it an official relationship. Has that changed? You refer to her here as your girlfriend. 

Edited Sunday at 11:02 AM by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

However you way of addressing the issue was a direct criticism of her and would have put her on the defensive. 

And yet, she proved his point by reacting emotionally without asking for clarification… She also could have said, I’m sorry that you feel that way. This is obviously something that we need to talk about. But instead, she went on the offence and blamed him for dismissing her feelings - when that is exactly what she just did after his comment.

Regardless OP, this is not a peaceful or healthy relationship for you. I personally would not spend a lot of my hard earned money to visit someone who is going to talk to me in this way… please be careful. 

[ShyViolet]

I remember your earlier threads about this relationship.  You have been posting about this relationship since January and many, many people on here gave you advice that this was a bad relationship that needed to end, that you were making a lot of poor choices here.  Is there a reason that you decided to ignore all that advice and you're still going through the same patterns?

Why on earth are you still booking flights to go see her?

Edited Sunday at 02:53 PM by ShyViolet

[smackie9]

That's crap my mom does...she's bi-polar. It's like abuse, but it's mental illness. Oh man run for the hills buddy.

Edited Sunday at 03:43 PM by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You have been posting about this relationship since January and many, many people on here gave you advice that this was a bad relationship that needed to end, that you were making a lot of poor choices here.

This. 

OP, it's as though you come here with ammo loaded against her,  just to hear posters validate your point of view. I think you are looking for an echo chamber more than actual advice.