blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 What freaks me out is that, sometimes, in the year since the whole breaking down the door incident....I've dated a handful of guys, and sometimes I would wake up next to someone and think it was him...or I would be kissing someone and be reminded of the way HE kissed me... It wasn't like this was the longest relationship I've had, or the closest. It was that there was SO much stuff, generated by us...like I remember reading in college that memory is affected by emotions. The more emotionally aroused you are during a given event, the more likely you are to store that memory, or have more diverse connections to the memory of that event because of the emotional significance.... I guess because he and I generated so much emotional interconnectivity with the memories we had together. What do you think, Lonestar? Sometimes I think the more I want something to disappear the more difficult it makes it for me to move past it. Ironically, it seems like you can finally let go when you stop caring about whether or not you let go!
Author Lonestar Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I tried to do some research on this last night as far as ways to break a bond like this, but couldn't come across anything on the net. There is a book called "The Betrayal Bond" which deals with this subject and is supposed to help with how to overcome it, but I've yet to order it or read it. I too am reminded of my ex when I'm with other men, and I do have a fear that when I sleep with another man that I'll long for my ex, but I have to remember that it's only a feeling and not a want or need. I've had other exes in my life who treated me bad, but I did not form this type of long lasting bond with them. With this ex, I experienced the most intense emotions that I ever had with anyone, including good and bad ones. The highs were insane and the lows knocked me off my feet. I think I always wanted to be with him again or longed for him because since the equation of "us" was the source of all that pain, it was logical in my warped mind that getting "us" back would relieve that pain, which is exactly what happened every time we'd reunite. That's the trauma bonding at work, and I think it's somewhat equivalent to the addiction process. You get high and it feels f*cking wonderful, like nothing else, but then it's gone and you feel the low that follows. The only way out of that is to get back the drug that caused that feeling/high - or you continue to want it and fight the urge. My ex and I also went through some very very intese emotional times, just like you, and yes I do believe that it imprints deeply our memories. These types of relationships are dangerous, addictive, and nearly impossible to forget about without complete abstinence. I wouldn't be suprised if all those extreme unbalanced emotions also change some neurotransmittors in our brains, causing us to crave or remember those feelings, even after long periods apart. One might think they still love that person, but what's really happening is not love.
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life: When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.) When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain. When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you. When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive. When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you. When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable. When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships. When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care. When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away. When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen. When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you. When you are attached to untrustworthy people. When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse. When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility. I totally recognize myself in this list. As my relationship was a Narcissist, it was for me a traumatic experience and the awful part was while I wasn't "aware" that this was unhealthy. I was sure I was at fault, I could fix my relationship by making all better, by ignoring whatever hurtful words he'd hurled, by being more sympathetic to his need or less demanding anything to stay loyal to someone who clearly did not care for me. But I also kept the secret of his verbal assaults to myself..afterall I imagined he didn't mean it. I had become so habituated to his behavior which I equated to "he must care" that when it was finally over, I was deluded into thinking going back to him, would make me feel better. I literally remembered thinking "I'd rather take his crap than do it alone". I literally brainwashed myself into thinking this guy was all to me? Ok, now, after NC and alot of self awareness...I know that I was not in anyway in a healthy realtionship for a majority of the time I was with him. Always underneathe a current of nervous tension ran within me. Never knowing when he'll explode, tip toeing around his rage (waiting for his good side to surface) and suprressing my opinions and thoughs less they contradicted his. I wasn't in love but in fear. sigh... To some degree I my previous relationship had elements of the ingredient but this last one with the X, was a culmination of it all in one package. At the end of the day, I see despite all the bad...I needed to reach this final threshold of pain. Enough is enough. It forced me to say..why am I vulnerable and accepting of this type of behavior in my life. I am working everyday to learn about myself and break the habit I established in inviting someone like the X in my life. The more I confront it the more I see how what I need to work on within me.
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 When I was little I took for granted that the life I lived was the life I deserved. I recognize that my chaotic relationships very often mirrored my childhood relationships. Emotionally unavailable mother, drunk depressed father. Now I have trouble keeping female friends and I date alcoholics. It's weird. What I can tolerate, in terms of every day levels of violence, is way beyond what other people think is normal or OK. I mean, honestly, I didn't even really blink if he pushed me or shoved me, I wouldn't even mention it or think on it. It was like I got used to this white noise. When I think back on my life I can't really remember a time when I felt like I could get away from being pushed or hit, so I made myself get used to it.
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Because that's what you grew up with as a baseline normal, to some degree--to not have your needs met. So we stuff those needs thinking we must be abnormal to have them. But they keep coming out, often like monsters in the closet because we've kept them down for so long. And then the intensity of these feelings scare us so we run back for the comfort of what feels normal, which, of course, is abnormal. Dear God, we're screwed up! Except that now, dear ladies, we have some awareness and the capacity to choose in accord with that awareness.
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Blind Otter, I do not think you are alone in these feelings. You say it is like white noise? Because you are so used to it. During a recent emotionally charged discussion my gf said to me something along the lines of "hit me then" in the context of deserving it, I hadn't said or done anything aggresive. I was appalled. During the calm discussion afterwards, we always reach a calm spot where we discuss what has happened, she said again that sometimes she feels she needs a slap in the face, and not figuratively. ( I explained that this will never happen with me, not ever, under no circumstance ) I didn't take the discussion in that direction at the time. Would you ever, given what you have said, if you were in an argument with a man who did not push or shove or make any aggresive moves, ever actually invite him to? Of course you do not have to answer this question I understand that.
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Would you ever, given what you have said, if you were in an argument with a man who did not push or shove or make any aggresive moves, ever actually invite him to? Yes, I've done this, in more than one relationship, but always after things had gotten physical already. But I have to add that among the men I've been involved with, none of them realized they were being aggressive or threatening. Like, if they won't leave when I ask them to leave, I get freaked out and panicky, I feel cornered. Sometimes they would even push or shove me and act as if they had been having a normal anger response and I was the one who freaked out, and for osme reason me crying and freaking out would make them angry....
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Thanks for that Blind Otter, useful reply. What did they do, I mean how did they show aggression to you, without realising they were doing it. If this is a hijack of this thread I would be happy to start another one. EDIT Think I will as I am very interested in this as a seperate aubject
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