Lonestar Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I was reading up on this because I'm trying to figure out why I have such a difficult time telling my ex to f*ck off. The info I found was very helpful in explaining why people still go back to those who have hurt and betrayed them. I've seen a few posts on here asking why it's so hard to leave an abusive person, and traumatic bonding explains it, at least for me. I'm not with my ex, but there is still a sick bond/connection between us, which he exploits by using our child as the excuse for contact. Here are the signs that trauma bonds exist in your life: When you obsess about people who have hurt you though they are long gone from your life (To obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about something/someone even though you do not want to.) When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain. When you go “overboard” to help people who have been destructive to you. When you continue to be a “team” member when obviously things are becoming destructive. When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you. When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable. When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships. When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care. When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away. When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen. When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you. When you are attached to untrustworthy people. When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse. When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility. 1
slubberdegullion Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 This is freakin brilliant. It's another good example of why people continue to rely on "feelings" while staying in abusive relationships, because their feelings are lying. Integrating this knowledge, however, can become more difficult the worse the abuse is. One's self-esteem can become so damaged that one can't think clearly about the situation they're in. If caring people could only get those in destructive relationships to stop relying upon their feelings, and think clearly, then they could get out of the morass of abuse and control and take their lives back.
Author Lonestar Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 This is freakin brilliant. It's another good example of why people continue to rely on "feelings" while staying in abusive relationships, because their feelings are lying. Integrating this knowledge, however, can become more difficult the worse the abuse is. One's self-esteem can become so damaged that one can't think clearly about the situation they're in. If caring people could only get those in destructive relationships to stop relying upon their feelings, and think clearly, then they could get out of the morass of abuse and control and take their lives back. slubber, you're right. It's so hard to see this when you're in the middle of the abuse. What you think is "love" for that person, is actually emotional trauma. I really thought I loved my ex, but when I look back now, and read this stuff on traumatic bonding, I can see it much more clearly now for what it was. The only way someone still in an abusive situation is going to see what's happening to them, is to get out and away from it for a period of time.
slubberdegullion Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 slubber, you're right. I'm right? s***... I'd better write this down... I did something right..!
Author Lonestar Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I'm right? s***... I'd better write this down... I did something right..! News flash... it's not the first time you've been right either.
slubberdegullion Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I gotta get in touch with my ex. She's never gonna believe this!
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I new i was being lied to somedays- i was indenial i guess and still i have that traumatic bond with him- though he has a girlfriend and was sooo mean to me... How do you tell your feelings to shew off- and gain more respect for your self? i dont want to be like this in future relationships
Author Lonestar Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I new i was being lied to somedays- i was indenial i guess and still i have that traumatic bond with him- though he has a girlfriend and was sooo mean to me... How do you tell your feelings to shew off- and gain more respect for your self? i dont want to be like this in future relationships Brittany, read up on traumatic bonding on the Internet. Now that you're away from your ex, it's easier to swallow the reasons why you still have that bond with him, and you can see it for what it really is. It may take some time for it to go away, but you need to be aware of the reasons why it exists. There's also a good book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," which can help you recognize abusive men (or women) in the future. Reconditioning yourself is a process that you have to work at. It's not easy.
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 This explains why I was in the grocery store today, and I saw the archway oatmeal raisin cookies I used to get my psycho ex, I stood there for like 5 minutes reminiscing. Sometimes I wonder at myself, because he was so awful at the end with the miscarriage and everything. How can I still be so attached? Trauma bonding, I suppose.
alphamale Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 my theory on this issue and romantic relationships is that people get attached very stongly to the dramatic emotional ups and downs in a mutually abusive relationship. it is like a drug...or a replacement for a drug. many people have low self esteem and great self-loathing, especially in American society. and being involved in a relationship where they are used and abuse just validates their low self-worth or low self-image.
witabix Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Hmmmmmm. I was reading that and saying, no thats not me. Wonder why I was doing that? I've never heard of this before, ever.
riobikini Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 GREAT POST!!! SEE THREAD ON RELATED TOPIC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79089/ -Rio
slubberdegullion Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 This is more common than you may think. Sometimes, especially when it's a hostage situation, it's called the Stockholm Syndrome.
Author Lonestar Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 This explains why I was in the grocery store today, and I saw the archway oatmeal raisin cookies I used to get my psycho ex, I stood there for like 5 minutes reminiscing. Sometimes I wonder at myself, because he was so awful at the end with the miscarriage and everything. How can I still be so attached? Trauma bonding, I suppose. From the stories I recall reading about your ex, it's understandable why this would happen to you. For me it's so much more comforting knowing that I'm thinking about my ex or missing him because of a deep-rooted psychological condition as opposed (and preferred) to it being "love." To continue thinking you still love and care about a person who repeatedly hurt you is a major self-esteem killer.
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 This is more common than you may think. Sometimes, especially when it's a hostage situation, it's called the Stockholm Syndrome. patty Hearst? Is that her name? Rich girl turned terrorist?
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 From the stories I recall reading about your ex, it's understandable why this would happen to you. For me it's so much more comforting knowing that I'm thinking about my ex or missing him because of a deep-rooted psychological condition as opposed (and preferred) to it being "love." To continue thinking you still love and care about a person who repeatedly hurt you is a major self-esteem killer. word. like I need any ADDITIONAL self-esteem killing to be done.
brooke7777 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Yeah...so I guess my life is full of trauatic bonds. Not only with the ex but also with friends. I guess the deeper question is now that once you realize you are struggling with traumatic bond issues, how do you get yourself to let go of these traumatic bonds? I'm more so concerned with letting go of the traumatic bonds with two of my friends. We have been friends for over 10 years, but I have realized that they were never really true friends and that they were there a) when it was convenient for them and b)when they had nothing else going on in their lives. They were and will always be self centered individuals. But somehow I can't let go. I constantly put myself out there and try to give them another chance fully knowing that they are not going to be there and I am going to get hurt. I try to tell myslef it's not worth it, stop caring, but it's hard. I guess that's why it's a traumatic bond.
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 OK, dumb but obvious question: how do you break a traumatic bond (why that name?) and establish happy bonds?
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Ok Becoming, here's my take on it. First you have to put all the trauma behind you, truly leave it behind. Then start afresh with a new agenda. One that involves total respect for the past but does not linger on it. One that has learned from past behaviours and mistakes. See the person as a seperate and valued individual. The value of the person must be readily apparent, not invented in your mind. I am really thinking from the hip here, quick fire responses, shooot me down if you like, its no problem. That is how I have dealt with it, and I have to say it feels good and lets me see the person the I am dealing with, not the issues.
Brittanyjean06 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 brook- I know that must be hard to- because their your girlfriends- but try to realize that you can probaly do better in friends- or maybe you can just except them for what they are- and dont let your self get too attached- because right now you need a true girlfriend- who understands your pain not a guy- right now you need a giiiiiiiiirlfriend haha
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 First you have to put all the trauma behind you, truly leave it behind. Then start afresh with a new agenda. One that involves total respect for the past but does not linger on it. One that has learned from past behaviours and mistakes. See the person as a seperate and valued individual. The value of the person must be readily apparent, not invented in your mind. I am really thinking from the hip here, quick fire responses, shooot me down if you like, its no problem. That is how I have dealt with it, and I have to say it feels good and lets me see the person the I am dealing with, not the issues. Actually, this is a good list. I particularly like the "not invented in your mind" part because we sure do this, don't we? And then we wonder what happened; how'd they change? They didn't; we see what we want/invent too often. For me, a sense of transcendence beyond all the issues is important, a kinda Zen I-know-you're-there acknowledgement of the issues with self-awareness and a wisdom that isn't just reacting to the issues of the past. And that's a hard place to get to without sitting around meditating all day in saffron, which really isn't that helpful in the real world. But over time and with effort and lots of therapy we can achieve that most of the time. That and taking time to really go slow and get to know someone. Geez. Does everyone just jump and attach themselves to another like David Letterman's Velcro Man these days?
witabix Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Yes, just like Velcro Man, we all do that. It is hard not to. We are all victims of ourselves.
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Yes, just like Velcro Man, we all do that. It is hard not to. We are all victims of ourselves. Yes, that's really it! We're victims of OURSELVES and our crazy thinking projecting onto others and reacting to it, expecting the other to make whatever the old issue is alright when they don't have a clue what's going on (perhaps because they're doing the same thing to us?). And we're off!
blind_otter Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I am depressed. I think it must be truely difficult to break a trauma bond. With my psycho ex, I started out typing what he had done and it freaked me out. I don't want to dwell. But our relationship was about 4 months of horror, endless horror at the end. The first 6-7 months was sucky, but not horrific and abusive. But to this day it continues, as much as it can from prison. I have started afresh, I am in AA now, I am not supposed to get into a relationship for 11 months and 2 weeks, hahaha. I don't hate him - anymore. I am sad for him. But even though it's been over a year since I've set my eyes on him, or he on me, I still find myself reminiscing about the past. I think about him occassionally and I feel very sad for what has happened. I can't seem to let go of that....his life is effectively destroyed. By the time he gets out of prison this time he will have spent half his life incarcerated. I will move on, but I don't think I'll ever get past feeling a deep sorrow for my ex, and his life, which I know he chose to throw away, but it's still sad.
Author Lonestar Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I am depressed. I think it must be truely difficult to break a trauma bond. With my psycho ex, I started out typing what he had done and it freaked me out. I don't want to dwell. But our relationship was about 4 months of horror, endless horror at the end. The first 6-7 months was sucky, but not horrific and abusive. But to this day it continues, as much as it can from prison. I have started afresh, I am in AA now, I am not supposed to get into a relationship for 11 months and 2 weeks, hahaha. I don't hate him - anymore. I am sad for him. But even though it's been over a year since I've set my eyes on him, or he on me, I still find myself reminiscing about the past. I think about him occassionally and I feel very sad for what has happened. I can't seem to let go of that....his life is effectively destroyed. By the time he gets out of prison this time he will have spent half his life incarcerated. I will move on, but I don't think I'll ever get past feeling a deep sorrow for my ex, and his life, which I know he chose to throw away, but it's still sad. Otter, it's completely understandable how you're feeling. Don't kick yourself for it. I'm also having a hard time when I find myself reminiscing, but we had many good times along with the bad. I tend to get sad when I think about how much I loved him, and then the bad times pop into my head when I least expect it and it really freaks me out. I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop it. It's almost impossible to move on when the drama continues even after being apart. I wish I never had a child with my ex, since there would be no reason for him to contact me. When he does, it's never all about the child, there's always an underlying motive on manipulation and control. I want to be strong enough to not let it affect me, but I find it very difficult seeing that I haven't been allowed the time alone and apart from him to heal from the pain. I'm afraid of getting sucked back in again someday down the road, because I know it would be the dumbest mistake I could make, but that bond exists and it's powerful. I want it to disappear forever. It's your ex's own fault that he threw away his life, but I doubt he's sitting there in jail saying that to himself. Most likely, he's blaming you and everyone else for it instead of taking responsibility for what he's done to himself and the people that loved him. He chooses to live like that and there isn't a damn thing you can do. Unfortunately, you'll continue to be affected by it because you've bonded with a very unhealthy person. Keep working on yourself, keep going to AA, strive to get yourself emotionally healthy and everything else will slowly fall into place.
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