Did I over react?

[Donrudiger]

I went on a date, it was going rather well, our conversation was flowing naturally and wasn't forced. I was enjoying my time with her. But as our date grew to an end she began mimicking my accent and speech word for word. Which I took as a way of mockery so I just got up and walked away from the date without an explanation. Albeit I am British and she is American so that might have been a factor. But I am still not sure if I over reacted and should reach out to her and apologise?

[Gina2005]

So.... you just didn't ask for an explanation?

[Donrudiger]

22 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

So.... you just didn't ask for an explanation?

I just assumed she was mocking me. Although she did compliment my accent earlier on and prior to our date said she had a dark sense of humour.

 

You are probably right I should ask for an explanation

 

[Gebidozo]

You overreacted in a big way. Walking away from a date without an explanation is a rude and a very strange thing to do when all she did was mock your accent. If that really turns you off so much, you could’ve just politely asked her to stop doing that.

It’s hard to understand why mocking your accent would offend you so much, though. My partner grew up in the UK and I mock her accent all the time because I find British accent cute and sexy. She mocks not only my accent, but the tone of my voice, my expressions, my characteristic gestures all the time. I find it quite endearing.

[Donrudiger]

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You overreacted in a big way. Walking away from a date without an explanation is a rude and a very strange thing to do when all she did was mock your accent. If that really turns you off so much, you could’ve just politely asked her to stop doing that.

It’s hard to understand why mocking your accent would offend you so much, though. My partner grew up in the UK and I mock her accent all the time because I find British accent cute and sexy. She mocks not only my accent, but the tone of my voice, my expressions, my characteristic gestures all the time. I find it quite endearing.

You are right, she did compliment my accent at the start. And even said that she has a weird and dark sense of humour prior to our date. So I should have taken that into consideration. I have just never experienced this type of mockery before. Especially on a date. It will grow on me. I'll call and apologise to her.

[Gebidozo]

17 minutes ago, Donrudiger said:

And even said that she has a weird and dark sense of humour prior to our date.

Well, mocking someone’s accent isn’t dark humor. Dark humor is making jokes about genocide or pedophilia or stuff like that. Make sure you are fine with that if you want to date this girl, dark humor isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

[Alpacalia]

Teasing is playful banter, which might not be meant as mockery. …and it’s totally fair to feel thrown off by that. Accents are personal, and having yours mimicked—even playfully—can feel like a jab at something that’s part of your identity. But here’s the thing: intent matters. Is she racist? Some people flirt by mirroring quirks (clumsily, sure), or she might’ve thought it was harmless banter across the “British vs. American” trope. Doesn’t make it okay, but it could be a misunderstanding.

[Donrudiger]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Teasing is playful banter, which might not be meant as mockery. …and it’s totally fair to feel thrown off by that. Accents are personal, and having yours mimicked—even playfully—can feel like a jab at something that’s part of your identity. But here’s the thing: intent matters. Is she racist? Some people flirt by mirroring quirks (clumsily, sure), or she might’ve thought it was harmless banter across the “British vs. American” trope. Doesn’t make it okay, but it could be a misunderstanding.

No fortunately she isn't racist. She was bantering throughout the date, which I didn't mind. but the mimicking irked me as my instant feeling at that moment was she took me for a joke. 

But as you said teasing and bantering is ingrained in a lot of peoples personality. And I should have taken a dig at her American accent instead of storming out.

I should have handled the situation differently. As her personality was out of my comfort zone and my response was rather immature. Americans are more socially open than us Brits. 

 

Edited April 26 by Donrudiger

[Donrudiger]

48 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, mocking someone’s accent isn’t dark humor. Dark humor is making jokes about genocide or pedophilia or stuff like that. Make sure you are fine with that if you want to date this girl, dark humor isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Its definitely something I will take into consideration. Cheers.

Edited April 26 by Donrudiger

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Donrudiger said:

As her personality was out of my comfort zone and my response was rather immature. Americans are more socially open than us Brits. 

If this was your feeling about her behavior on a first date, (I assume it was only a first date) then why bother reaching out to her again?  I would just leave this in the past and not contact her again.  It sounds like her personality is not a match for you.

[smackie9]

I am going against the grain here....she was being absolutely rude. Walking away wasn't the best choice, but ending the date was justified.

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, Donrudiger said:

No fortunately she isn't racist. She was bantering throughout the date, which I didn't mind. but the mimicking irked me as my instant feeling at that moment was she took me for a joke. 

But as you said teasing and bantering is ingrained in a lot of peoples personality. And I should have taken a dig at her American accent instead of storming out.

I should have handled the situation differently. As her personality was out of my comfort zone and my response was rather immature. Americans are more socially open than us Brits. 

 

Walking out may have been an impulsive reaction, but it came from a valid place of discomfort. If someone was mocking me on the first date, I would find them weird but that maybe they're just trying to be playful. I don't think I'd walk out on the date but I most likely wouldn't go on a second date.

Put it this way --- if the mimicking irked you on a first date, imagine how you'd feel in you were in a relationship with her. Your flirting styles don't match. If her banter made you uncomfortable now, it likely wouldn’t improve long-term. Some people thrive on constant teasing; others find it grating. 

[FredEire]

Americans often love British/Irish accents, I'm Irish and have had American girls try to imitate me many times. I usually just make fun of them for their leprechaun voice and it's a good time. I'd imagine that was what was going on here, if you'd had a few drinks it makes even more sense.

I personally think you did overreact if the date was going well. You're entitled to find it annoying but you could have just asked her to cut it out or playfully made fun of her. I'd apologise and see if she's understanding and wants another date. I think many people would want to just leave it if someone walked off on them though.

[Acacia98]

My ex-boyfriend used to mock my accent once he got comfortable with me (so not during our first date). And it used to irritate the heck out of me. Mind you, he was a good guy... He wasn't a bully or a racist or anything like that. I never made a big deal about it because I thought it would be an overreaction. But it really, really irritated me.

So I can understand why you felt offended, and I don't have a problem with what you did. In fact, I have respect for folks who can do what you did: stand up and walk away as soon as they feel violated. As you can guess, I struggle to do that. I still have some people-pleasing tendencies that make it challenging to look out for my best interests at times.

So, frankly, as long as you don't generally have anger problems and are not the sort of person who gets offended easily, I think you're okay. I don't think she's the right person for you. This thing she calls "dark humor" may turn out to be unkindness. People are often very lousy at describing themselves accurately. They tend to put a positive spin on their negative traits or to attribute harmless intentions to themselves when they actually have suppressed resentment or something. 

Edited April 27 by Acacia98

[Donrudiger]

59 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

My ex-boyfriend used to mock my accent once he got comfortable with me (so not during our first date). And it used to irritate the heck out of me. Mind you, he was a good guy... He wasn't a bully or a racist or anything like that. I never made a big deal about it because I thought it would be an overreaction. But it really, really irritated me.

So I can understand why you felt offended, and I don't have a problem with what you did. In fact, I have respect for folks who can do what you did: stand up and walk away as soon as they feel violated. As you can guess, I struggle to do that. I still have some people-pleasing tendencies that make it challenging to look out for my best interests at times.

So, frankly, as long as you don't generally have anger problems and are not the sort of person who gets offended easily, I think you're okay. I don't think she's the right person for you. This thing she calls "dark humor" may turn out to be unkindness. People are often very lousy at describing themselves accurately. They tend to put a positive spin on their negative traits or to attribute harmless intentions to themselves when they actually have suppressed resentment or something. 

I agree with you and a few others, she isn't the right person for me. I did offer her a sincere apology today, but I won't pursue anything further with her. You are also correct that her saying she has a dark sense of humour is just a way to sugar coat her callous jokes, as she mentioned during our conversation she was a victim of heavy bullying at school. I tried my best to comfort her, but I could tell from her tone it had a big impact on her. Which is where her dark of sense of humour manifested from. But I could be wrong.

Edited April 27 by Donrudiger

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Donrudiger said:

I agree with you and a few others, she isn't the right person for me. I did offer her a sincere apology today, but I won't pursue anything further with her. You are also correct that her saying she has a dark sense of humour is just a way to sugar coat her callous jokes, as she mentioned during our conversation she was a victim of heavy bullying at school. I tried my best to comfort her, but I could tell from her tone it had a big impact on her. Which is where her dark of sense of humour manifested from. But I could be wrong.

You did the right thing. Taking the time to apologize was commendable. I hope the experience gives her food for thought. And I also hope she sees someone to help her deal with the aftermath of the bullying.

[Carlston]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

My ex-boyfriend used to mock my accent once he got comfortable with me (so not during our first date). And it used to irritate the heck out of me.

Not understanding why, if a person, especially your signfiicant other, does something hurtful or annoying, that you won't say anything about it?

I also don't understand why I felt the need to include so many commas in that sentence but whatever.

 

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, Carlston said:

Not understanding why, if a person, especially your signfiicant other, does something hurtful or annoying, that you won't say anything about it?

I also don't understand why I felt the need to include so many commas in that sentence but whatever.

 

I explain that in the next paragraph: people-pleasing tendencies. It's a product of my upbringing.

Lol. The commas are fine. The sentence looks grammatically correct to me.

[Dartagnan98]

I have been with my gf for 3 years. At the beginning it was amazing. I loved every minute of being with her, her smile, her curves, her eyes, her laugh I was in bliss.

 

But the past year it has diminished drastically. We recently got into a big argument over something trivial and I found her on the bed in tears, and it broke me so I paced over to her and gave her a big hug and kissed her tears away and she confessed that if we broke up she would end up deeply depressed and in a dark place which hurt me and I kissed her on her forehead and promised I would never leave her.

 

But I am just not happy in the relationship anymore, I spoil her with trips overseas, acrylic nails, shopping, clothes and take her to nice restaurants and care about her deeply. I refuse to let her pay for anything when she's with me. Even when she offers to pay I tell her to put that card away. I take care of everything for her.

 

Seeing her happy and her smile radiate when I spoil her makes my heart smile and flutter for a few minutes but it's a brief moment of happiness and then my world returns to black and white although on the surface she wouldn't be able to tell as I always made her laugh and took her to do spontaneous activities that I knew she'd love when I sense she felt down just to brighten up her day. But I am sacrificing my happiness to see her happy and build memories with her.

 

I have often been tempted to text other girls that have shown interest in dating me.

 

A few months ago she caught me texting another girl and snatched the phone and began bawling her eyes out when she read the text messages, she was so distraught she began shaking and screaming for her family and wanted her father to comfort her, which really hurt. It  hurt me so bad that I also began tearing up as I always made her feel like a princess. So seeing her crying so hard like that on the floor had me in unbearable pain. I was pacing up and down my apartment from the pain I was feeling, desperate to hug her to comfort her but she pushed me away and screamed. 

 

 

But when she began packing her bags to leave the apartment I was begging for her to stay but she had her bags fully packed and seemed adamant on walking out the door. Her friend was waiting outside in the car ready to take her away, but she couldn't walk outside the door. And turned around and ran into my arms, bawling that she can never leave me. Leaving me was too painful for her. Ever since then I haven't texted any girls. Seeing her in such deep pain was enough to stop me from texting or dating other girls.

 

Although every time we would argue she would often say that we should break up but would go back on her words and end up hugging me whispering that she loves me too much to break up with me and I would just end up kissing her on her forehead and holding her tight to comfort her.

 

 She gave me the password to her phone and gave me control of her social media and I often check her DMs of countless guys trying their best to get a chance with her but I leave them on read. She has only one friend and she tried convincing her to leave and doesn't understand why she is still with a guy like me saying that she is beautiful and should just break it off as I will always be tempted to cheat.

 

I console her and tell her to ignore her but deep down I know she is right.

 

The thought of me dating other girls while knowing she's depressed and in a dark place alone because we broke up. Stops me from doing it.

 

With my other exes I had no issue breaking up with them and moving on as I knew they would bounce back quickly. But my girl is different. She's so emotionally fragile and dependent. She likes to remind me that I am her rock. I  bought us an apartment so I could be with her constantly. I have always been there for her both emotionally and financially. She doesn't have any friends apart from one and was bullied at school. So I am basically her best friend. 

 

So I will be in pain knowing I hurt her and left her deeply depressed all alone if we break up. I don’t know how she will deal with being alone without me there as I have always been her rock for 3 years.

 

It’s the unknown that scares me. It feels like I will be leaving her all alone in the ocean with no one. And I don’t want that for her. I care too deep to abandon her.

 

But I also know I am sacrificing my happiness to keep her in my life to care for her. The moment I hugged her between my arms tight and kissed her tears away we locked eyes and I saw she was in pain when we talked about breaking up, and that put enough fear in my heart to not make her go through that sort of pain. I don't want her to suffer, but I also want to feel happiness again. I am torn. I don't know what to do. I often feel like a horrible person for allowing her to fall so deep in love with me. And the suffering I would cause on her if we broke up.

 

I often ponder what my life would be like if I never met her and it leaves me feeling empty. As I know I'd be much happier, and she would have found someone better than me. Her friend was right about me. 

 

I was taken away by her beauty the first time I set eyes on her in that red dress with her hourglass figure, her gorgeous smile and warm eyes and we went on our first date. We had so much chemistry at the start of our relationship, all the laughs and memories we built. I cherished every second of it, I thought she was the one, I never would have imagined it would lead down such a dark hole of hurt and turmoil. I feel trapped!

 

[MsJayne]

Stop infantilising her. By paying for everything you’ve turned her into an overly dependent twit, you’ve taken away her autonomy and her identity, and that’s why you’re bored with her because you think she’s nothing without you, and you’ve convinced her of it too. You use money to inflate your own ego and diminish the women you associate with, and you call it “treating her like a princess” when in fact it’s blatant manipulation. Just dump her already, you’re doing her no favours by positively reinforcing her stupid tantrums, she needs the reality check.  I challenge you to stop paying for everything with any woman you date and see how long they hang around when you’re not paying for their company.  This is a good way of ensuring you don’t end up married to a gold-digging moron. But if you do, you get what you pay for. 

[Dartagnan98]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Stop infantilising her. By paying for everything you’ve turned her into an overly dependent twit, you’ve taken away her autonomy and her identity, and that’s why you’re bored with her because you think she’s nothing without you, and you’ve convinced her of it too. You use money to inflate your own ego and diminish the women you associate with, and you call it “treating her like a princess” when in fact it’s blatant manipulation. Just dump her already, you’re doing her no favours by positively reinforcing her stupid tantrums, she needs the reality check.  I challenge you to stop paying for everything with any woman you date and see how long they hang around when you’re not paying for their company.  This is a good way of ensuring you don’t end up married to a gold-digging moron. But if you do, you get what you pay for. 

She isn't a gold digger by any means. She always offers to pay when we go out and never asks for anything from me. I am the one that likes to spoil her out of my own accord. I don't see how that makes her a gold-digger? Your definition is clearly skewed. Also how have I convinced her she is nothing without me? She has her own job I just choose to spoil her. 

Edited May 21 by Dartagnan98

[Lisa]

@Donrudiger and @Dartagnan98 are the same person