Would like to have opinion about ongoing falling apart relationship

[perfect20]

 

I would love to hear your opinion about my relationship, to see how it sounds to objective people from the outside.

We met on an app 4 months ago, the first month was very confusing on her part, both in terms of getting to know someone from the app that she wasn't okay with and in terms of her attraction to me starting from a place of character and not from a place of appearance (which for her was something she didn't recognize in herself and was new to her).

Slowly the relationship started to develop and really became amazing, and reached some kind of peak point.

I'll go back a little and tell a little about myself, I'm a person who gets attached very quickly, I'm a person who really likes to send warm things, and in general at the beginning of every relationship I talk a lot, I always ask what she wants to do and I won't decide only by myself, simply from a place that I want to know that she will also enjoy.

About a month ago, she really started to take a step back in the relationship. We had a conversation and talked about some things that wasnt working well, like the fact that we talked a lot, and that she is a less kitschy person and she had hard time with me telling a lot of love words, both because shes less kitschy and also because she doesn't feel the same level as I do in a relationship. As I said, I am a person who gets attached very quickly and she is less so.

So we talked and agreed on things. The truth is, these are not qualities that I like about myself. I know that it is not healthy to get attached quickly. I also know that it is not healthy to talk a lot on WhatsApp when starting a relationship. I already have scars by these things from the past. And I really liked the idea of trying to work on it and break those habits.

The problem started when I decided to take a step back in those things. I took it to the extreme, from 100 to 0. I decided to let her lead the conversation because that way I would know how much of it was okay for her. I decided to stop being so warm and looking back I feel like I had become really cold. It is also important to note that this was a period when we didn't see each other much because we both had vacations, so we didn't meet much either, which certainly didn't help. When she got back from her vacation , she brought up the subject again and asked me if it bothered me that we talked a little bit while her vacation, and added that it didn't bother her at all, which to be honest was very insulting. Of course it bothered me, I just didn't want to be annoying while shes with her family in vacation. I wanted her to have the freedom to enjoy herself with her family and I expected her send a message that when she was free and then we would talk. I didn't want to be annoying.

In This whole month there was a real step-by-step falling apart, from stopping sleeping together, to her impatience towards me which led to a very aggressive and dry vibe in our conversations from her side, things that used to be funny started to be "what's wrong with him".

last week I decided that Im tired of what was happening to me, I decided that I was going back to being who I am, stopping this coldness, become me again... Im not talking about returning to talk so much on whatsapp because it really didn't bother me, but yes returning to expressing warmth with good words, cute suprises and more... the problem that it was already too late(at least I think so).

We had a last conversation two days ago, we talked about everything, about two and a half hours of conversation, I talked about if we want to make things work again we mush change things,that aggression towards me have to stop, and that I can't understand where the step back is coming from because everything was so beautiful and good, we talked about things that bother her, and suddenly I started to understand that there are several things in her life that not working well right now, like family, studies, etc.. Could it be that I just became this convenient place to vent frustration?

We talked about the fact that it went from 100 to 0 and that she expected it to come from me and didn't understand what happend after the first talk and I expected it to come from her(like I said), and a few other things.

I'll add another detail that might influence your opinion, her experience in relationships is much greater than mine, she was in an on-and-off relationship for 4 years, went out a few more times, and I had one relationship of three and a half months and another of two months, nothing serious at all, after about a month and a half, we were at her place and I brought up the subject and asked if we defined ourselves as a couple (a conversation of definitions), and she found it very, very strange, in her opinion there's no need to define things at all... because it only matters if we're having a good time together, but for me it was more to get feedback from her, and that's also what I knew from the little I had, I tried to take that from a relationship I had before that was amazing while it was and apply it here too, I don't really care about that definition.

I'll go back to the last conversation I told you about, she ended up deciding to take a complete break from her side for a certain amount of time, I think it's from a place of checking if she feels I'm missing her (I don't think she will), and from a place that she needs to get her act together, it's not that she was aggressive and short-tempered towards me all the time, it bothered her and affected her a lot and I saw the look she had on herself that was very difficult for her to look at what she had become with me, she also said that. I asked her to take as much time as she needed.

I told her that it really more important to me that she will be well than with me (strange, I don't know, she really is important to me and I love her), I feel like the kind of person who would be there for people who were always good to me.

I don't want it to end, we decided to take a break because we both also know the amazing side we once had, and we don't want to give up right away and throw something that can be amazing.

I really love her, this situation hard for me.

[Gebidozo]

She clearly wasn’t enjoying the relationship and did everything to put a soft end to it. Her decision to “take a break” has a 99% chance of ending in a full breakup.

Please don’t hope for her to come back, the best you could do now is move on and work on your issues. The fact that you can only have two “modes “ currently, be clingy or be cold, is something that must change if you want to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Both neediness and coldness come from the same place, insecurity. You must be confident and learn to love yourself before you can offer yourself as a partner.

Please don’t say you love someone you’ve only known for 4 months. It’s not enough time to get to know anyone and truly fall in love.

[flitzanu]

i think it is time to prepare yourself for being broken up.  her "taking a break" is the polite way of breaking up, and the next conversation is going to be her telling you that it's over.

[Sanch62]

The fact that she got so aggressively annoyed with you means that she takes you for granted and isn't happy.

I don't think she's coming back.

As a go-forward, you'll need to find a reasonable balance between the hot and cold behaviors. Too hot is too fawning, which feels like overkill and makes most people uncomfortable, and too cold is...pointless.