Left with no answers by likely married man

[sunshine_88]

So, I’ve been going to this store and after a few times one of the owners introduced himself to me and was very friendly.  I thought he was cute but did not think too much of it since I was not looking for a relationship.  I got out of a very toxic abusive marriage a few years ago which I still have ptsd from.  After going there for several months, I started crushing on him and felt like he was flirting with me.  One day my phone kept ringing and he insisted I answer it; like he was getting annoyed.  I told him that’s my son.  He was like call him back.  I thought it was a bit demanding on his part and a bit strange but I did call him while at the store.  Maybe he wanted to see if that’s my husband or something?

Then he asked if my son would like to work there.  I said he’s in college but when he comes back from college he might want to.  My son said yes and is really excited about working there when he gets back.  (I haven't told him what happened yet.). In the meantime the owner asked for my number.  I figured it’s to keep in touch about my son working there.

Then he texted me a few hours later and said one day he will come over for tea.  I was like ok, that’d be nice.  In the meantime I was searching on internet  to make sure he’s not married.  I did find info that suggests he is married.  He mentioned that his first wife left him.  So I kept wandering “ what about the second wife”?  I figured I’ll ask him when we meet up.  Then he started texting me suggestive things implying he wants to meet up for more than just a cup of tea.  Basically like he just wants one thing from me.  Then I said, we’ll see, I just want to check what your status is.  He gave me vague answers which don't confirm whether he's married, divorced or separated.  Then he asked about me which I already told him that I am divorced.  

I figured maybe his marriage isn’t going well and maybe he was in the middle of separation and told him he can call me or come over so we can talk about it.  That was over a week ago and I haven’t heard anything back.  I did block him for a little bit on my phone so I’m not sure he called or texted for sure but I did not block him until a day after so at least for a day it was dead silence.  What do you think is going on?  Was he just trying to see if I’d be ok with him being married and having an affair with him?  Now that he sees that won’t happen he’s onto the next unsuspecting target?  I keep thinking that maybe he did text me while he was blocked and reaching out again first to make sure there is no miscommunication but I keep thinking "why bother", he's probably married and playing games.  

Edited Thursday at 09:32 PM by sunshine_88

[MsJayne]

I think I'd just give this one a miss. How about this, if he wants to get to know you then he can invite you out for a coffee or a meal, not invite himself to your house? Never let a man you barely know come to your house, especially when they invite themselves, because that smacks of a person who doesn't respect boundaries or social niceties. 

[sunshine_88]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I think I'd just give this one a miss. How about this, if he wants to get to know you then he can invite you out for a coffee or a meal, not invite himself to your house? Never let a man you barely know come to your house, especially when they invite themselves, because that smacks of a person who doesn't respect boundaries or social niceties. 

You're probably right.  I should just let this one go.  I doubt he would invite me out for coffee or a meal.  I suspect he is married and does not want anyone to see us together.  But yeah, that is too much; him inviting himself over like that even though I thought I knew him from talking to him in the store but now it seems like that was a different person.  He was always very polite and helpful but it seems like it was just a way to get me to let my guard down.  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, sunshine_88 said:

He mentioned that his first wife left him. 

Maybe she left him because he is pushy and disrespects others. Because, that’s what I read when he insisted that you answer your own phone, invited himself to your home for tea, and refused to answer a direct question to clarify whether he is married or single. 

There is no way that my son would be working for this man. There is also no way that I would even entertain the idea of meeting to discuss his marital status. I don’t date men that behave in this way and neither should you… especially if you are still dealing with PTSD from your abusive marriage. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Even if he is not married, I would be turned off by him inviting himself over. You don't really know this person. The appropriate request would be to invite you to meet him somewhere out - a cafe or coffee shop or some such thing. Not your house. 

And then he showed you his true colours: 

7 hours ago, sunshine_88 said:

Then he started texting me suggestive things implying he wants to meet up for more than just a cup of tea.  Basically like he just wants one thing from me.

I personally would not even care if he'd tried to text or call while he was blocked. This is not how a gentleman behaves and not someone I would be interested in meeting up with. 

[stillafool]

Yes he's a married man who is looking for sex on the side.  He probably was never going to hire your son.  Never wait to discuss with a man whether he is married or not.  Ask them and expect the answer right away or if they don't answer, you already know the answer is yes, they are married.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Ask them and expect the answer right away or if they don't answer, you already know the answer is yes, they are married.

Exactly. If the answer isn’t an immediate and resounding no - then you know that he is married.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Not that I would do this, but I would be curious to see his response if you were to show up at his home for tea unannounced…

I think you are far better to block and walk away. As was said above, this is not how a man behaves when he respects a woman. 

[sunshine_88]

20 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe she left him because he is pushy and disrespects others. Because, that’s what I read when he insisted that you answer your own phone, invited himself to your home for tea, and refused to answer a direct question to clarify whether he is married or single. 

There is no way that my son would be working for this man. There is also no way that I would even entertain the idea of meeting to discuss his marital status. I don’t date men that behave in this way and neither should you… especially if you are still dealing with PTSD from your abusive marriage. 

I think you're right that  He is pushy and disrespectful.   Also, keeping me waiting to answer a direct question is not nice.  I feel like I want closure but I don't think I will get it with him.  No, I don't want my son working there anymore.  There are red flags all over this guy and I just needed some outside input to see what's really going on.  I'm learning more and more about narcissism and from what I learned, I am in a trauma bond with him and am in the narcissistic fog.  That's why it's so hard to see clearly and I'm trying to break free.  Thanks for the reply

[sunshine_88]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Even if he is not married, I would be turned off by him inviting himself over. You don't really know this person. The appropriate request would be to invite you to meet him somewhere out - a cafe or coffee shop or some such thing. Not your house. 

And then he showed you his true colours: 

I personally would not even care if he'd tried to text or call while he was blocked. This is not how a gentleman behaves and not someone I would be interested in meeting up with. 

Yes, you are correct.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I felt like I knew him from talking in the store but now I see I obviously didn't.   I agree inviting himself over like that is inappropriate.  .  

[sunshine_88]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes he's a married man who is looking for sex on the side.  He probably was never going to hire your son.  Never wait to discuss with a man whether he is married or not.  Ask them and expect the answer right away or if they don't answer, you already know the answer is yes, they are married.

I haven't been in the dating scene for nearly 20 years.  It's all new to me again.  I don't know what I'm doing.  It is so obvious, that that is what he is looking for.  I just didn't realize he would be someone that would do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, sunshine_88 said:

 I feel like I want closure but I don't think I will get it with him.  No, I don't want my son working there anymore. 

Closure...from what? You have never even been on a date with him. 

4 hours ago, sunshine_88 said:

I'm learning more and more about narcissism and from what I learned, I am in a trauma bond with him and am in the narcissistic fog.

Whoa, girl. Zoom out  here. You have nowhere near enough information about this man to conclude he is a narcissist. He sounds like your averge creep. But a personality disorder? You're taking it a bit far. Why do you feel the need to diagnose him? Or yourself? You aren't trauma-bonded to this stranger. You got overly-excited (and it sounds like overly-invested, yes) but you barely know him. There is no bond. 

I do think you need to dig deeper with yourself to figure out why this run-of-the-mill tool has got you thining about trauma bonding and narcissism. It sounds like you're spending too much time online trying to apply much deeper meaning to a fairly typical sleezeball-meets-rather-vulnerable-lady moment. It needn't be more than that. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, sunshine_88 said:

 I feel like I want closure but I don't think I will get it with him.

Closure is the gift you give yourself.

He’s been rude and disrespectful - that’s really all you need to know. There was no relationship here - he doesn’t owe you any explanation and you have nothing to be upset or sad about. Walk away knowing that you made a smart decision - that’s your closure. 

[sunshine_88]

UPDATE:  I have blocked him for good and am done and moving forward.  Thank you for your replies to let me see what's going on.