My lover of 5 years has a live in babymother

[cute n chubby]

I don't know if I belong in this catagory because I dont know if my lover ( lets call him Jamel) is still with his baby mother but I do know I need some good objective advice because I'm unhappy about this situation. I know some of the things I did would be concidered whore-ish by some but I'm trying to make things right. I know its a little long but i did lots of dirt and i had to put it all in there.

 

Jamel and I have been seeing eachother for 5 years. He has a babymother and 2 kids, I am single and have none. I first met Jamel because I use to date his associate for 3 months. Me and the friend weren't serious and he wasen't my type anyway but we had sex a few times and he played me because he lied about having kids and a girl. Jamel blew his spot up to me and from there we starting seeing eachother, the friend moved out of state 2 weeks later and was never an issue again. I didn't have sex with Jamel right away, we went out like 3 times then we started sexing. I was looking forward to it too because He's tall and stocky and fine but his penis was the smallest I ever seen like 4 inches hard and kinda thin. But I continued to see him because he was so cute. In the begining he would always say he wanted me from the first time he saw me and I felt the same way but I wouldn't take him seriously because my female friends said he had lots of kids and sexes everybody. I still liked him and he says the sweetest things and can talk the panties off an imaginative person like me. I dated other people, lots of other people even 1 from around my way (he knows of the guy, but dont know we know eachother) but I still saved a little time for him. I wasent sleeping with lots of guys, just 2 or 3 for the year but I definitly dated lots of men with my bestfriend just so they can spend money. It wasen't my idea, my bestfriends a gold digger but I enjoyed the perks too but I never tryed that with Jamel because he's very hard to trick and I really liked him anyway. Overtime I started not to date so many guys, just 2 steady ones but my bestfriend continued to see many guys and brought them around and Jamel use to see that alot. With the house being party central, I started to get a reputation in the hood as being loose she was already deemed a hoe from back in the days. He would make his little comments like a "man can't wife a female that has to many guy friends" and "if i was your man i would have the authority to say no other men can come over" and much more but he never completely directed at me because at the same time he was telling me how much he wants me and forget other females. I had 2 tragedies happen in my house so company slowed way down and the only people that would come over is my bestfriend, and my 2 other bestfriends that are male and Jamel. It stayed this way for like 2 years with me seeing 1 or 2 other guys but not seriously at all. I still saw Jamel but I could tell he wasent that comfortable in my house and would basically hangout for about 5 hours of talking,movie watching, weed smoking and sex then leave. Its really always been like that but in the begining he stayed longer. Now its like clockwork he comes and we do the same thing for 2-4 hours and then he leaves.

 

Keeping it as short as possible, I will tell you jamel's story. now I never had his phone number from the begining and i never knew where he lived. I knew where his mother lived although i never been there and he always calls me. He says he's not with his baby mother anymore but I seen his friend i use to date and he was upset that i was seeing Jamel and told me Jamel is doing the same thing he did except he lives with his babymother. I never confronted Jamel about it just played passive aggressive and didn't take his calls for like a 3 weeks. We started sexing again and never even asked him about it because I was scared I was getting too personal and I was ashamed of all the dirt I've been doing. Oneday he comes to me excited like he's moving into his own apartment and I was happy like things will finally change. It didn't and we just kept sexing at my house. I never saw this own apartment but I heard him make references about his roommate "Tim" being sloppy and having to much company. He started telling me he loves me like 1 year into the relationship and started having unprotected sex and things were ok until we planned a spades game with his room mate Tim and my bestfriend but Jamel never showed up just Tim. We still had fun us 3 getting drunk and then my bestfriend was leaving and Tim was making no effort to get her number. SHe leaves and now i'm uncomfortable because Tim is trying to come on to me but i resist and say I love Jamel but then he tells me I'm living a fantasy with Jamel because he already has a family, everyone eles is playthings. He was saying i should get with him because he'll treate me right but he is a gemini just like Jamel so i knew he was bullsh**ing me. I made him leave and later I asked Jamel about that and he just laughed and called Tim a grimy dude. Never brought it up again and we continued to have sex and at this point I'm only sexing him and things are going ok. The idea of this own apartment just fades away never to be brought up again. On my birthday I rented out a very expensive lavish hotel room and we had what was supposed to be an "empty the bones out our closet" conversation and we both said we were only seeing eachother and he said he had sex with someone eles 6 months ago but i think he was lying because he's a pervert and we only see eachother 3-4 times a month if that. I said 5 months but i was lying it was more like 3 because i seen my ex and had a fling but i was for real about how i felt. From that day we was supposed to be together and things were cool for like another year and then i was sexing only him but then oneday he seen my bestfriend at my house with his shoes off and thought we were sexing because I never really introduced them. My bestfriend is just a friend but he knows all about Jamel, but jamel don't know him and just see's some strange man. Jamel continued to come through for his 3 or 4 our rendevous but would never stay long. I know I could have used food and really catering to his needs not just sexually to get him to stay, because i know he likes things like that but I was always to scared to. In 5 years i never even cooked him a meal because he said his babymother use to always cook so I didn't want to compete with that. I did try to seduce him sexually and made sure everytime he came over the house was spotless and I had on something super sexy and boned and sucked his brains out. We were still having unprotected sex and he's excellent at pulling out but i don't like the abruptness of him having to pull out expecially when im on top so i asked him to use a condom one day. from that point on he never took it off and even brings his own and now we never do it raw which is a good thing but raised an eyebrow. I finally got his phone number out the phone book and started pranking his house. I was suprised to find out his baby mother indeed lived there. I feel bad but i was childish and pranked day and night from different numbers unconnected to me for like a month even calling collect sometimes and like a dummy she accepted them like 4 times. I heard different conversations when i was pranking and I heard her yelling at him in the background like why he got girls playing games and he says " its just some girl i'm beating in the head." I hang up and never prank again, we continue sexing and he never brings it up and they changed their number. 2 years pass and where at the point where at now where he has not openly admitted he lives with he but he made 2 comments just the other day that showed the truth. He was telling a story and said he was getting something out of his babymothers room and on another day he said his babymother is there but they don't have sex ever and that he wants to be with me but i'm sneaky. I have to admit I am a little sneaky but I feel like i barely know him and its hard for to be faithfully anyway but especially to another person like me. He wants me to get rid of all the men in my life including my friends but I love them and they have been with me throw thick and thin. I still don't have his phone number but he gave me his cell number after 4 years but he lost that one. What should i do? I've only been having sex with him but ofcourse he doesnt believe that and I don't want to kill myself trying to prove to him i want him because he's always accussing me of not being sincere and beating him in the head. I want him faults and all but its hard to see if he's playing games with me. I want to settle down and have kids and i dont want to waste my time with him but i dont want to throw away 5 years. Plus I'm melt around him and it would be hard breaking up with him especially since where not really together and he's the type that if im mad at him he'll stay away for a few months and come right back like it was my fault for pushing me away because I have some wall around myself according to him.

[newbby]

first of all, could i just ask how old you are? you sound quite young, but i could be wrong as it is only your first post....

[cute n chubby]

I'm 25 now but keep in mind this is my life over the last 5 to 6 years. Things has changed alot since the party all night days. But in a way i wish I could go back because then I was dating a bunch of guys instead of just one and i wouldn't be going through this emotional pain. I even asked him today if he is involved with anyone and ofcourse i got the same answer, "i don't have sex with anyone eles but you", lol yeah right.

[cute n chubby]

Damn, I didn't know my post was that long, i was just writing from the heart. Trying to look at the post outside of myself, I would say he's playing me but i did dirt too and I feel shame because of it so its hard for me to see how to proceed. And please don't just tell me I'm immature or hoe because I already know I needed to get my life together (thats what the tragedies i mentioned were about) but I'm good now I just don't know what to do about him since i am reevaluating my life and relationships.

[Sami_D]

Well my opinion is that he sounds like a waste of time. And you sound too involved with a group of people who don't seem to have much in the way of life goals. And the language you use... 'ho'..? Why even have a life like this..?

 

What other aims do you have apart from having children with a man who already has children with other women, and seems to be completely irresponsible (and unemployed..?). I'm not meaning to be judgmental... But your whole post just depressed me.

 

Your life shouldn't be like this. Get away from him and start thinking about a more positive future for yourself and your future children.

[newbby]

well...

from what you say, the relationship seems to be primarily about sex. i cant see any indication of a loving relationship. the only feeling you talked about is sexual jealousy, which is quite different from love.

i think you really need to sort out your life from the inside out. you may have stopped certain things but, theres still alot of negativity and confusion.

what do you think?

[Touche]

Just curious but what in the world is a live-in "babymother?" In English would that be a live-in girlfriend or a wife?

[Sami_D]

Just curious but what in the world is a live-in "babymother?" In English would that be a live-in girlfriend or a wife?

 

The only way I could think of it was as you say... a derogatory (?) and certainly dismissive way of saying he's living with someone who he has a child (and presumably a R?) with.

[Touche]

The only way I could think of it was as you say... a derogatory (?) and certainly dismissive way of saying he's living with someone who he has a child (and presumably a R?) with.

 

Yes. I agree. Calling her "babymother" is a way to deny that there's any kind of R. But if she's living with him there obviously there IS some kind of R. I'd run from this if I were you, OP. It most likely won't work out. He's just using you.

[cute n chubby]

Well my career is fine, seems like thats the only thing thats going right. All my life I was so focused on school and goals that when I finally started to party, I went buck wild. I'm done with all that now and I do want someone to share my life with and I'm tired of dating different uninteresting men. I think all of you are right that he is a waste of time because when I think about it, I wouldn't want someone thats going to cheat on me. I'm not trying to degrade their relationship, thats just a slang term because I can't call her his wife or girlfriend so baby mama seems to fit. Its hard to dump him though because its been 5 years and Its hard starting all over again with someone new. Because I've done so much dirt in the past makes me want to be forgiven to him since I know I was wrong too. I have passed up good men for him because something keeps pulling me back. He keeps telling me to be real with him and stop having other men over but its hard to when he lives with his baby mother. I'm not a dummy so when he first told me he's not in a relationship with his babymother I thought he was lieing because his friends told me otherwise. He owns the house and says he's only there to pay the mortgage and take care of the kids. I thought why can't she move if there not together but those are his kids.

I'm just so confused because I know that all of you are correct but when you have this man telling you he's wanted you for years over and over again, its starts to stick and he's the only man to give me an orgasm. (not to sound nasty) He's actually comming over tonight, I was thinking of writing him a letter to tell him how I feel but as smooth as he is he will sweet talk his way back in. I thought about just meeting someone new and I've seen a couple cute guys with decent jobs but none of them make me feel like him.

[BUTAFLY]

Your 25 (you seem so much younger)? This relationship is about sex and you know it. What are you trying to convience yourself if should be.

1. You say your 'dating' and you don't know where he lives or have his phone number?

2. people tell you he has a family and you keep sleeping with him.

3. you only see him 3-4 times a month

4. He runs up in you when ever he pleases and leaves in a hurry.

5. you prank call his house. (NO 25 yr old does this)

6. his girlfriend answers, he says your a nobody, and you keep 'sexing'?

7. THE WORST IS YOUR DOING THIS WITHOUT A CONDOM!

8. YOUR NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL!

9. you and your friend are known for being loose

10. You have men in and out of your house (friends or not) he already told you "a man can't wife a girl with many guy friends." What he's really is saying:

(a man can't wife a hoe)" Right their is telling you how he sees you.

11. You only see him 3-4 tims a month.

12. At 25 your smoking weed, using men for money, and having sex w/multiply guys...including associates of his. Do you think he is gonna get down on one knee and propose to you. If so Tim is right you are living in a fantacy world, Jamel my be grimmy but even he has standards.

 

My advice is to grow up, surround yourself with positive people and get yourself together. Forget Jamel. The only good thing you had to say was that he is fine. THERE ARE NO OTHER GOOD QUAILITYS. I don't even think looks is a quality.

 

And please for GODS SAKE...don't be another statics and become some dudes 'babymomma'. with the amount of sex your having and being as old as you say you are, you should be responsible enough to be on birth control.

GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD WHERE ITS FREE!!!

[BUTAFLY]

Your 25 (you seem so much younger)? This relationship is about sex and you know it. What are you trying to convience yourself if should be.

1. You say your 'dating' and you don't know where he lives or have his phone number?

2. people tell you he has a family and you keep sleeping with him.

3. you only see him 3-4 times a month

4. He runs up in you when ever he pleases and leaves in a hurry.

5. you prank call his house. (NO 25 yr old does this)

6. his girlfriend answers, he says your a nobody, and you keep 'sexing'?

7. THE WORST IS YOUR DOING THIS WITHOUT A CONDOM!

8. YOUR NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL!

9. you and your friend are known for being loose

10. You have men in and out of your house (friends or not) he already told you "a man can't wife a girl with many guy friends." What he's really is saying:

(a man can't wife a hoe)" Right their is telling you how he sees you.

12. At 25 your smoking weed, using men for money, and having sex w/multiply guys...including associates of his. Do you think he is gonna get down on one knee and propose to you. If so Tim is right you are living in a fantacy world, Jamel my be grimmy but even he has standards.

 

My advice is to grow up, surround yourself with positive people and get yourself together. Forget Jamel. The only good thing you had to say was that he is fine. THERE ARE NO OTHER GOOD QUAILITYS. I don't even think looks is a quality.

 

And please for GODS SAKE...don't be another statics and become some dudes 'babymomma'. with the amount of sex your having and being as old as you say you are, you should be responsible enough to be on birth control.

GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD WHERE ITS FREE!!!

[BUTAFLY]

Your 25 (you seem so much younger)? This relationship is about sex and you know it. What are you trying to convience yourself if should be.

1. You say your 'dating' and you don't know where he lives or have his phone number?

2. people tell you he has a family and you keep sleeping with him.

3. you only see him 3-4 times a month

4. He runs up in you when ever he pleases and leaves in a hurry.

5. you prank call his house. (NO 25 yr old does this)

6. his girlfriend answers, he says your a nobody, and you keep 'sexing'?

7. THE WORST IS YOUR DOING THIS WITHOUT A CONDOM!

8. YOUR NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL!

9. you and your friend are known for being loose

10. You have men in and out of your house (friends or not) he already told you "a man can't wife a girl with many guy friends." What he's really is saying:

(a man can't wife a hoe)" Right their is telling you how he sees you.

11. At 25 your smoking weed, using men for money, and having sex w/multiply guys...including associates of his. Do you think he is gonna get down on one knee and propose to you. If so Tim is right you are living in a fantacy world, Jamel my be grimmy but even he has standards.

 

My advice is to grow up, surround yourself with positive people and get yourself together. Forget Jamel. The only good thing you had to say was that he is fine. THERE ARE NO OTHER GOOD QUAILITYS. I don't even think looks is a quality.

 

And please for GODS SAKE...don't be another statics and become some dudes 'babymomma'. with the amount of sex your having and being as old as you say you are, you should be responsible enough to be on birth control.

GO TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD WHERE ITS FREE!!!

[newbby]

butaflys advice is a bit harsh, but has alot of truths in it.

this is how he sees you, unfortunately, it is also a mistake many women make.

i am borrowing a bit of advice i read somewhere here, but, he knows you have feelings for him, you are sleeping with him and have been for 5 years. it is common knowledge, that women dont long term (and usually not even short term) sleep with a man who they dont have feelings for. you dont need to write him any letter.

butafly is also correct in what he is saying, it translates as "you are not marriage material (but great for a f***)"

its not nice is it, and something that most women who have begun a relationship casually, or it has moved on to casual terms from something more serious and they have allowed it, have to face at some point. learn from this relationship, and your future relationships can be very different.

move on from this.

i think people were not talking about the negativity in your career choices, but a rather negative feel to your post. you have stopped your wild ways, are you now healthy? have you stopped associating with others who are still going crazy? just wondering about this, you dont have to answer...

[BUTAFLY]

She doesn't need to be coddled, some people need a stern wake up call to snap them out of their delusion. I felt a little strong words could do this for cutenchubby.

Sorry if it hurt your feelings but you needed to hear it.

[Beautiful1]

You Know what?..I agree with Btfly's response.

Im 25 yrs old as well. And Yes Ima Baby's momma and yes my childs father and myself live together and Ima tell you what I gotta give the man his props for keeping his family under wraps for 5 damn years. I mean come on You gotta respect his gangstah for that one.

but to be serious though...baby he's playing you both. You don't have to feel like you owe him anything "because you did your dirt" Keep in mind your not married and the two of you aren't in a real relationship.

Look your best bet is to

 

Let him go.

Get tested for STDs

And get on Birthcontrol

all of which you can do at planned parenthood.

 

This man ain't what you need I know its hard to let go. I would say be mad at him for what he put you threw but you really have to be mad at what you put your self threw. You kept a blind eye to his situation and now you have to deal with it. And as far as waisting 5yrs...don't look at it that way you just learned a valuable lesson that took 5yrs to figuer out. everyone plays a role on the stage of life you just gotta know when its thats person time to exit stage left baby...

 

good luck,

And tell that fool to kick gravel and travel...

 

 

-Think fast and speak slowly

[Beautiful1]

Just curious but what in the world is a live-in "babymother?" In English would that be a live-in girlfriend or a wife?

 

 

Let me just say that a babymother in the black community is not considered a derogatory statement suggesting no relationship.

It's a term used when refering to a women who happends to be the mother of a man's child. The situation could have many senerios'

1. A mother and father who's not married but live together and raise thier child.

2. a mother and father who's not married nor live together and raise their child

3. an unwed mother who raises a child on her own.

 

Just to name a few. There is also a such thing as a BabyDaddy same senario just change the women to man and the definition still applies.

its basically a term thats not quite a girlfreind nor a wife but the mother of your child or children- just my oppinion nothing im saying is law its just the way it is...

this is just my oppinion