Jesper Posted April 22 Posted April 22 (edited) Not sure if this is the correct forum, but seemed like the best fit? I would like people’s take on this – not sure how to handle from here. I was friendly with a guy (middle aged/same age as me, and I am pretty sure now has never been in a relationship/dated – definitely has never been in a long term relationship – according to him longest relationship was 3 months, when he was 20 years old, and with what I know now I doubt that was a real committed relationship) who works in my industry/near me. Liked him as a friend, we seemed to have a lot of similar interests, and I was interested in getting to know him better. We ended up casually dating – coffee, lunch, one dinner – over the course of about 6ish months. So like once or twice a month we’d see each other. From my perspective this was a casual getting to know better and see if we mutually felt like we wanted to escalate the relationship. I ended up ending the relationship – at first maybe passively, by not making an effort to be available as frequently as he wanted to get together, but then when that wasn’t enough (he started getting angry/passive aggressive/emotionally manipulative), I very directly told him that I was not interested in being a relationship with him, that I need to focus on xyz (I was specific in my messaging to him), that he very clearly wanted more from me than I could give and so he was unhappy, and I was also feeling pressured and stressed out because of him as a result. I feel like this post is very long, so I won’t go into too many more details, but high level, the reasons I gave him for ending the relationship were valid but somewhat impersonal? In addition to what I shared with him, he went from 0 to 100 in 15 seconds regarding his expectations of me/what a relationship should be (which is me/a woman taking care of him and focusing all her energy on him), I found him to be extremely clingy, concerningly attached, and emotionally manipulative, while also not bringing much to the relationship – I fairly quickly realized that I was doing 90% of the work to carry conversations, be interesting, and so on and it was honestly exhausting. He really romanticized/idealized the relationship and rewrote the narrative to fit his idealized version of what a relationship should be. I do not feel like he knows me as a person and that he sees me as a body/receptacle for his relationship fantasies. I could be any attractive female who expressed interest in him. Basically, the stuff that seemed mutual was a façade and he wanted a replacement for his mother. I didn't share this with him because it feels very insulting and personal and while it all contributed to why I don't want to be with him I already gave him a very good reason that isn't personal. All that to say, I explicitly stated that I am not interested in a relationship with him, that I do not want to pursue a friendship with him, and subsequent to drawing my boundaries, I have not responded to his messages. He reaches out to my friend/his acquantance a couple of times a week, and to me at least monthly (basically wanting to rehash his feelings). So now why I’m posting- it has been 9 months of me not responding to him after being extremely direct about breaking up with him as a friend and boyfriend and he is STILL reaching out to my friend and me on a fairly regular basis, trying to get both of us to discuss the relationship and his feelings about it. Today he messaged me basically saying that he wants to hear my perspective on what happened with our relationship and I finally responded because I’m actually becoming very concerned with what the ef is going on with him. My response was there is nothing I can say that will give him closure because I already gave him my reasons for my decision (nearly a year ago!!, regarding a pretty short/superficial relationship), so he needs to work on getting whatever closure he needs himself. Should I be handling this differently? I feel like I can't just block him because of the work aspect. He doesn't know where I live/has never been to my house, but I'm a homeowner, so he could easily find this information online. Edited to add: I paid for more than half of our dates; I wanted to send a clear message that we were testing the waters, and he never offered/tried to do more, so please no comments on that. Edited April 22 by Jesper
Gebidozo Posted April 22 Posted April 22 I think you’re being too nice here. You don’t owe this guy absolutely anything. You didn’t lie or manipulate or string him along or used him. You communicated your wishes clearly. It’s not your job to “give him closure”, he’s delusional and disrespectful asking for that so persistently. It’s a pity that blocking is impossible due to work issues. Are you sure there is no way to block him? For example, only keep him in work-related group chats, where other people are present and he won’t be able to talk about personal issues? If blocking / deleting is really impossible, just don’t reply to him at all. Ask your friend to do the same.
Alpacalia Posted April 22 Posted April 22 Do not respond further, even to clarify or reject him. Responses—positive or negative—can encourage persistence.. Can you block him on personal channels but keeping professional lines open only and advise your friend to do same? I'd also ask mutual friends or acquaintances to stop relaying messages or updates about him Sorry you're dealing with this. Unwanted contact is unnerving and you’ve been more than clear.
ShyViolet Posted April 22 Posted April 22 21 hours ago, Jesper said: I feel like I can't just block him because of the work aspect. I don't buy this. This guy needs to be blocked. He is acting like a borderline stalker. Do not discuss anything with him, you don't owe him "closure" or anything else. Also, tell your friend not to respond to him either.
Author Jesper Posted April 23 Author Posted April 23 So just to clarify, 9-ish months ago I stated clearly I didn’t want any type of relationship and why, have not responded to a single message for nearly a year. My friend has also never responded to a message from him that had anything to do with me (and also doesn’t respond to like 90% of his messages not relating to me because they’re such dull non-starters). Currently his only way of contacting me, outside of showing up at my office, is electronically at work. I checked today and I am not able to block him there. I sent the response I mentioned in my post as I was leaving for the day; he messaged me again today the second he signed on essentially asking if we can be friends with clear boundaries. I didn’t respond, mostly because that has been my approach for over a year but also because I have no interest in being friends which I’ve already told him, almost a year ago, and he very clearly is not capable of being a friend or respecting boundaries (SO tempting to point this out to him). I just want this to be over - I never want to hear from him again, I have said this, and I don’t know how to make him stop.
Alpacalia Posted April 23 Posted April 23 8 minutes ago, Jesper said: Currently his only way of contacting me, outside of showing up at my office, is electronically at work. I checked today and I am not able to block him there. I sent the response I mentioned in my post as I was leaving for the day; he messaged me again today the second he signed on essentially asking if we can be friends with clear boundaries. Can you not bring this to HR's attention? Frame it as a productivity/comfort issue, not drama. HR’s job is to prevent liability—they’ll likely warn him. This behavior is not just annoying, it's genuinely unsettling. I'm actually concerned for you. Usually the best option is to ignore and block but he is sending unwanted messages to your work email and you may find that you have no choice but to report this as harassment.
Author Jesper Posted April 23 Author Posted April 23 7 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Can you not bring this to HR's attention? Frame it as a productivity/comfort issue, not drama. HR’s job is to prevent liability—they’ll likely warn him. This behavior is not just annoying, it's genuinely unsettling. I'm actually concerned for you. Usually the best option is to ignore and block but he is sending unwanted messages to your work email and you may find that you have no choice but to report this as harassment. I had not thought of HR - thanks!
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