AlwaysAdored Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I posted one thread right after the breakup, and obviously this helps or I wouldn't be back. It brings me some comfort to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these sort of feelings. About 3 mos. ago I came home from work and my bf/fiance had packed up and moved out. I am a young mother of two and he also is young. I think he just figuired out that he couldn't handle taking on a whole family. I wish he wouldve figuired that out before asking me to marry him and telling my kids he was going to be their daddy and never leave. He never said anything to them about all of this,by the way, and it has been very hard on them as well. He doesn't have to deal with their hearthache...i do. He ended up moving 8 hrs away from me with his brother. After awhile we started talking and started to work things out. He ended up telling me that he really loved me and he knew we could work things out and that we were meant for each other. we decided to meet halfway and we were both really excited about it. Then he didn't call for a few days. Then he called and told me that he wasn't ready to see me yet. Then, he quit calling. That was 6 wks. ago. He hasn't changed his address, so I still get all his mail and he's still paying my phone bill. It kinda sends me some mixed signals. Yesterday, I got our phone bill and there were all these calls in the middle of the night. I guess he's out partying til all hours while i sit at home and cry. I know it's a psycho thing to do, but i ended up calling this number that was on the bill that kept reappearing. It was some girl that he worked with and she said that they weren't a couple and that a group of them from work just hung out together all the time. I'm sure she called him and told him, cuz then he called me, but the first ring didn't even finish before he hung up. Then I left like 5 messages telling him to just call me and tell me what he felt so I could have some closure. I am acting like a total lunatic about this. It has been over 3 mos. now, and I expected to feel better than I do now. I don't feel much better at all. I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do to move on, but they don't seem to help. I have a BS and started concentrating on my career more and got a new job that takes up a lot of my time, I've been reading and watching movies and trying to limit the amount of time I have alone and I started a journal, but like I said, I have two kids. All I do is work and then go home. There isn't a lot of opportunity for me to go out and have a good time and meet new people and all that jazz. I do when I can, but that isn't very often. I know what everyone will say. NC. I feel like I've already made a big fool out of myself by calling that girl and leaving him all those messages. I am so pathetic and desperate I am ashamed of myself. I want to get over this and move on and not feel so sad awful about it all the time. What do I do? I need advice. Shouldn't I feel better by now? Will I ever feel happy again? Will I ever have a day again where I don't miss him and want him back? Love sucks! Tell me what to do..........sorry this is a novel!
In Sync Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 My heart bleeds for you because you must be going through a very difficult time, the good news is that you are blessed to have two wonderful kids who theycan rely on to call their mom. Pat yourself on the back and be proud of that fact! Here it goes, something you know already. NC. Wheneve I read about breakups and their are kids involved, I really am a staunch advocate of NC. Why? Because as you pointed out, you must deal with their pain of loss and disappointment as well. I and others who lose a bf/gf don't have to turn to our children and try to explain where their new mommy or daddy is? That's tough. I would say NC, and consider in this time whether you want to stay in this marriage. What is best for you and your children. Building your esteem through your career is a fantastic way to begin. But relying on a man who's proving himself to to be less than admirable will pull you back. He'll have you dangling and is that what you want for your future? Of course you love the guy, and probably will for a long time, but put that love aside and look at what happened. Could he have not talked to you before taking off? Could he have not expressed his confusions or doubts...could he have called you as he promised...Can you really depend on this guy as a husband and father? Those are big shoes which many unfortunately cannot fill. And yes YOU WILL fall in love again. Unless you are living in a batcave in a remote mountain still probably yeah...but seriously think by his track record what this man can offer you? You need not feel like a fool for ANYTHING you've done? You wanted answers and you did what you had to to get them...Forget it. Not something to lose a nap over much less sleep. Keep your eyes on the prize!
consumed Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I feel the same way right now. I've been missing my ex lately like crazy. I sitll have strong feelings for her, and I think about her all the time. Even though I know nc is better, we still chat here and there on MSN and we both share the same feelings. We've been broken up for 2 months now almost 3 but it still hurts. We both miss eachother but right now I have to get things in my life going and so does she. Were both in our mid twenties but maybe if these feelings always keep lit, someday we can get back together. Or maybe I'm lying to myself, but I'd like to think I'm not because she expresses all the time she still has the same feelings for me as I do for her, we just can't right now.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I know it was hard but you will get through it ..Atleast you wasn't married and he adopted your kids and then left !! I know it will be hard but it will be much harder having him there for years and thinking everything is ok and he decide to leave cause he can't handle it..Taking on the resposibilty of someone else's kids is a big responsibilty and maybe he realized it and couldn't handle it. I feel for you but the same time and i can understand why he done it.. When you marry someone with kids from previous you have to take the ex with it !! Alot of stress and although i love my h and ss and our daughter can't say if i had known what i would endure i would have stayed ..
Author AlwaysAdored Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Thank you all so much! I work at a place that is contracted out by the DCS. I do supervised visits, parent aide, and juvenile mentoring. I try to help families be reunited. With all the painful, awful things I have to see these children go through every day, it is comforting to go home and see my kids happy and intact. Actually, a lot of times I feel guilty for dwelling on any of this, because I see first hand how awful things can get. But when you are going through it, you can't help but feel the pain. I felt awful all day at work today. It was hard for me to concentrate on my families, because I was thinking about really sticking to the NC ...uh...contract? Today when I got home and I read your replies, I cried. Reading NSync's first just let all the tears fall. I am going through a tough time. NSync's reply was right on target. Honestly, if it weren't for the girls, I think I probably would have killed myself by now. The only reason I have been able to keep going is because I know that they need me to be strong, and oh god, you can't imagine how hard it's been to do. They are such good girls, though. I don't know what I'd do without them. Hearing NSync's reply and having someone else evaluating the situation and saying that about relying on a man who's proving himself to to be less than admirable is exactly the way it is. Since he's left, he's shown me over and over and over that the only thing I can't do (which is the only thing I asked of him) is depend on him. I'm gonna stick to the NC. Even you guys think I'm better offf. Lilmoma, you're right too. It could have been worse. "Atleast you wasn't married and he adopted your kids and then left....it will be much harder having him there for years and thinking everything is ok and he decide to leave cause he can't handle it.." That is true as well, although, I instituted NC with their bio dad years ago ...he's dangerous. I won't even go into that. Anyway, just reading the word's "my heart bleeds for you" brought on the tears. Honestly, I didn't know if I'd get any replies. It means so much to me that strangers care enough to take time out of their day to respond to my heartache. I hope one day I can return the favor. In the meantime, keep up the good work. Although I know I will probably put other posts on here dealing with this heartache, today, you guys really made me feel better and stronger! Thanks again. I was really touched.
crazy lady Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 My heart bleeds for you sweetie!! I am in the same boat you are. My husband of 10 years just up and left me and my two children four months ago. I was totally devastated!! In Sync is right, you are so blessed to have your children. I don't know what I would have done without mine. I had to be strong for them and so do you. It was very hard for me to start moving forward. I couldn't eat, sleep (especially by myself) or concentrate on a damn thing, let alone take care of two children. I did have my down time, you should too. There comes a time when you have to pick your a$$ up. Honey, you have got to start working towards a new life. You and your children deserve better than this. He doesn't sound like the type of guy to waste your tears on. Believe me, once you do, you will be so much happier! I didn't believe it either. I thought this was the end of the world!!!! I didn't think I would ever be in a relationship again. I thought, who wants to be with someone who has two children and is divorced???? They are out there. I have recently met a fabulous man. I am much happier now than I have ever been. I didn't think that was possible. You deserve to be happy. You just have to look for it. Focus on yourself. You need to spend time alone. Your journal is a great idea. I started to make a list of all the crap my ex put me through and kept it in my journal. When I got down, I looked at that list. It really helped. Spend quality time with your children. They will help get you through. Occupy your days with your job. Use the weekends and get out!!! Go out and meet people. Hang with friends. Your children won't be happy unless mom is happy. It will get better, I promise.
niteowl Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I just realized we are in the similar situations...my fiance did the same thing on the 2nd...I am devastated, too. I haven't gotten any calls either, etc...my heart is aching for you. I SO understand the pain you feel as a mother. I feel guilty that my kids are hurting. I cry just thinking about my son.... Everyone here keeps telling me to go have fun with the kids, but it's so hard becaus eit feels like something is missing....it's not even much fun watching tv anymore.... Not that I'm much help right now (I am still a HUGE mess) if there's anything I can do, yell. I never thought someone could be in the same situation. Good luck to you...and hug those babies tight..... niteowl
In Sync Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I just realized we are in the similar situations...my fiance did the same thing on the 2nd...I am devastated, too. I haven't gotten any calls either, etc...my heart is aching for you. I SO understand the pain you feel as a mother. I feel guilty that my kids are hurting. I cry just thinking about my son.... Everyone here keeps telling me to go have fun with the kids, but it's so hard becaus eit feels like something is missing....it's not even much fun watching tv anymore.... Not that I'm much help right now (I am still a HUGE mess) if there's anything I can do, yell. I never thought someone could be in the same situation. Good luck to you...and hug those babies tight..... niteowl You ladies aren't the only ones to be in such situations and sadly to say, you won't be the last. That is the tragic state of affairs in how unkind people can be to one another in this world...Still that does not mean you will not overcome this adversity! Again I say, NC...and maintain it as if your life depends on it because in fact it does. Your life and your kids. Now is the time to separate your emotional feelings from these men and think out of this mess, how can I make things better for my kids and I. Really by hoping for a calls from these losers is pointless and keeps you from a happier life for yourselves. These men didn't just abandoned you they left and disappointed your children..ergo, WHY WOULD YOU EXPECT SUGAR FROM A BOTTLE OF VINEGAR? I think it is a good idea to go have fun with your kids. Why would you let this man and how he treated you take away the great moments you can have with your kids?!!!! Why are you letting that rob you of chance to bring joy into their lives? By remaining in a "mess" you are indeed honouring this guy's loss. We are not talking about the loss of a father through a death-now that is trauma, what these men did by up and leaving with explanation or warning is selfish and cruel. Cut them out of your memory bank and fill it with wonderful experiences with your kids immediately. Their happiness is important above all. Yes are sad, but as their mother you are their source of support and for a while you may need to put them before your being a "mess." Do NOT break NC..it will set you back like you've never believe. Find your strength first and you will move forward!
emotionsmessmeup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You will be stronger I promise. I was with my bf for 5 years and he promised marriage and then he left me for someone else... they did the same things, visited the same places. he talks to her at night ebfore going to bed like he used to talk to me. he cudnt sleep without talking to me.. its v. painful. When someone doesnt love you or give you attention like they did. When u realize you thought it was more meaningful than it was. V. Painful. But remember..anything u run after...will run away from you... be so strong..than no one can hurt you... yet be sensitive...and positive.. concentrate on other things...and yea go out with other men...just talk to them..it will make u feel better..take up a new hobby... u will get there one day...u will...!
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