don't be harsh, I know what I'm doing is not nice

April 20

I'm in abusive relationship where my partner is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I've been with him long time and recently his friend was giving me attention and we had been meeting once a week or so the friend I hooked up with years ago. the way his friend was talking he wanted to be serious with me saying he was developing feelings. I last saw him 2 weeks ago I stayed at his, he said he wanted to do something for me in the morning but in the mornin i woke up and asked what time it was he said half 1 in the afternoon I panicked and started grabbing stuff until looked at my phone it was only 7.30am. he showed me he kept something of mine in his dressing gown pocket and said it's to keep you close to me then he was off with me I said I was leaving soon he said thank f*** for that and going back to your boyfriend who hits you. He offered me money for taxi I said I don't need your money. He walked me to door kissed me twice and watched me leave. He never messaged me all week so I sent him a message last week he replied but it was a cold message now nothing. I removed him from my social media as well because he was off with me.

I don't care for my long term partner anymore I want to leave him, he's hit the love out me and I thought I'd make a go with it with that guy but now I feel trapped and I've noone to talk to.

Have I messed up?

April 20

4 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

Have I messed up?

No, but it will be a mistake to stay with a man who is physically and emotionally abusive to you.

With concern, what do you think his response will be when he hears that you are staying over with other men? His friend, no less…

As for the other man, it sounds to me like you are attempting to monkey branch from one unhealthy partner to another.

How about ending your relationship and not dating for a while? Get some therapy if possible? Go out with friends and have some fun? Read some self help books?

April 20

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, but it will be a mistake to stay with a man who is physically and emotionally abusive to you.

With concern, what do you think his response will be when he hears that you are staying over with other men? His friend, no less…

As for the other man, it sounds to me like you are attempting to monkey branch from one unhealthy partner to another.

How about ending your relationship and not dating for a while? Get some therapy if possible? Go out with friends and have some fun? Read some self help books?

Except I have feelings for the other guy

April 20

24 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

Except I have feelings for the other guy

He has very likely realized that a relationship is not possible. Very few men would consider dating a woman who has previously been in a relationship with their friend. Add to that - your boyfriend is abusive. This guy had very likely decided that he wants to avoid the scene where your boyfriend comes after him for taking his girlfriend. That would be a wise decision and that likely why he is not responding to your attempt to communicate.

Feelings will pass, if you put some time and space between you. There are too many complications here… The ONLY way that this would work is if you end your relationship, the two of you are somehow never going to see your former partner again… then, you do an assessment of his character and decide whether he would be a good partner for you.

I would suggest that you have some work to do first - to end your relationship and to fix your picker such that you don’t end up jumping from the pot to the frying pan… because, as you have described it, that is what you are attempting to do right now.

April 20

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He has very likely realized that a relationship is not possible. Very few men would consider dating a woman who has previously been in a relationship with their friend. Add to that - your boyfriend is abusive. This guy had very likely decided that he wants to avoid the scene where your boyfriend comes after him for taking his girlfriend. That would be a wise decision and that likely why he is not responding to your attempt to communicate.

Feelings will pass, if you put some time and space between you. There are too many complications here… The ONLY way that this would work is if you end your relationship, the two of you are somehow never going to see your former partner again… then, you do an assessment of his character and decide whether he would be a good partner for you.

I would suggest that you have some work to do first - to end your relationship and to fix your picker such that you don’t end up jumping from the pot to the frying pan… because, as you have described it, that is what you are attempting to do right now.

He's been after me for years. I missed part out we hooked up once years ago

April 20

33 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

He's been after me for years. I missed part out we hooked up once years ago

If you have feelings for the man and you want to be together, why have you not ended your relationship?

April 20

Because I don't know if he really has feelings for me

April 20

Why does that matter? Perhaps the decision to end your current relationship should be made regardless of whether this other man has feelings or not? Maybe you need to make this decision for yourself?

Doubtful that he will tell you after all these years whether he has feelings for you or wants to be in a relationship with you - while you are still in a relationship with his friend. Don’t you think? I mean, he’s had years to profess his love and for the two of you to be together - and that hasn’t happened. What does that tell you?

You have some stuff that you need to sort out before you can begin to asses whether he has feelings for you or whether this would be a good decision/relationship for you. The first thing to sort out - if your partner is physically and emotionally abusive toward you - you need to leave. There is not a single person here who is going to say that you should stay with a man who hits you unless/until you find another man who cares for you and wants to be in a relationship with you. It’s time to end that relationship.

What you are attempting to do is monkey branch from one relationship to another… you are intending this to be an “exit affair.” Lots of people do it but it can be a very unhealthy and unwise way to make decisions about relationships/partners because the decision is based on emotion - not logic. A better decision would be to seek support, end your current relationship ship, get some counselling if you can - and then look forward and begin to make decisions about your life.

Edited April 20 by BaileyB

April 20

24 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

Because I don't know if he really has feelings for me

This is a very poor reason to stay with your patner. That relatioship needs to be over anyway, primarily for your own well-being.

1 hour ago, Confusedsad81 said:

He's been after me for years. I missed part out we hooked up once years ago

This doesn't mean much, though. It doesn't mean he would want an actual relationship with you once you're single. Very often these things fizzle out once they're no longer clandestine. You're also forgetting that despite how terrible your partner is, you're showing this other man that you are not an honest person and are capable of deceiving your boyfriend. It's not a flattering look for you. This other guy might not consider you a good relationship candidate anyway.

My guess is that he would not take the risk actually dating you. You've shown him you're not very trustworthy, but also, if your boyfriend is a violent person I highly doubt he'd be keem to make things offical with you and risk that wrath. You should be worried about that, too. You're playing with fire in a major way.

April 20

No, it doesn’t mean much that it’s been years and you don’t know where he stands other than the fact that you’ve hooked up twice and he’s said some nice words to you. For all you know, he throws it out there to see if you are keen whenever it’s convenient for him to do so - he enjoys the hook-up and then goes on with his life…

You really shouldn’t trust or try to build a relationship with a man who blows hot and cold… The fact that he comes and goes tells you that he’s not serious.

April 20

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Why does that matter? Perhaps the decision to end your current relationship should be made regardless of whether this other man has feelings or not? Maybe you need to make this decision for yourself?

Doubtful that he will tell you after all these years whether he has feelings for you or wants to be in a relationship with you - while you are still in a relationship with his friend. Don’t you think? I mean, he’s had years to profess his love and for the two of you to be together - and that hasn’t happened. What does that tell you?

You have some stuff that you need to sort out before you can begin to asses whether he has feelings for you or whether this would be a good decision/relationship for you. The first thing to sort out - if your partner is physically and emotionally abusive toward you - you need to leave. There is not a single person here who is going to say that you should stay with a man who hits you unless/until you find another man who cares for you and wants to be in a relationship with you. It’s time to end that relationship.

What you are attempting to do is monkey branch from one relationship to another… you are intending this to be an “exit affair.” Lots of people do it but it can be a very unhealthy and unwise way to make decisions about relationships/partners because the decision is based on emotion - not logic. A better decision would be to seek support, end your current relationship ship, get some counselling if you can - and then look forward and begin to make decisions about your life.

He did say he was getting feelings for me, he was pissed off 3 weeks ago because I wouldn't come over he sent me a message with 'you love him' and when i said how much I wanted to be with him his reply was 'what's stopping you. I've met him more than twice, I've stayed over at his twice but we've met up alot recently

April 20

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a very poor reason to stay with your patner. That relatioship needs to be over anyway, primarily for your own well-being.

This doesn't mean much, though. It doesn't mean he would want an actual relationship with you once you're single. Very often these things fizzle out once they're no longer clandestine. You're also forgetting that despite how terrible your partner is, you're showing this other man that you are not an honest person and are capable of deceiving your boyfriend. It's not a flattering look for you. This other guy might not consider you a good relationship candidate anyway.

My guess is that he would not take the risk actually dating you. You've shown him you're not very trustworthy, but also, if your boyfriend is a violent person I highly doubt he'd be keem to make things offical with you and risk that wrath. You should be worried about that, too. You're playing with fire in a major way.

I know this, he isn't worried about backlash he towers over my partner.

April 20

Why aren't you already gone from the partner who hits you? You're not even married to him. Just get your stuff and leave. Don't cheat or he might try to kill you especially if you're doing it with his friend.

April 20

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why aren't you already gone from the partner who hits you? You're not even married to him. Just get your stuff and leave. Don't cheat or he might try to kill you especially if you're doing it with his friend.

I have nowhere to go to that's why. no support network nothing that guy was my hope and he's went away. And when I say I have noone I mean I have noone at all

April 20

24 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

I have nowhere to go to that's why. no support network nothing that guy was my hope and he's went away. And when I say I have noone I mean I have noone at all

(((HUGS))), I'm sorry you don't have a support system. There are shelters for abused women, you need to find one. They can help you get on your feet, find a job and a place to live. There are resources for women like you. Because you don't have anyone he will continue to physically abuse you. You have to find the courage to leave. If you are courageous enough to have an a fling with his friend, which is putting your life in jeopardy, you have the courage to move to a shelter.

Edited April 20 by stillafool

April 20

14 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

I have nowhere to go to that's why. no support network nothing that guy was my hope and he's went away. And when I say I have noone I mean I have noone at all

Not a nice feeling, you have my sympathy. So, the only reason you're staying with an abusive partner is that you see no way of escaping unless you get involved with someone new who can give you a roof over your head and a false feeling of security. The guy you've been seeing is angry that he's offering you an escape but you're not taking it, and he's not being unreasonable by being offended, you're dicking him around. Look at the key points;

1. The guy you've been seeing isn't your partner's friend, if was his friend he wouldn't be sleeping with you. So that factor is irrelevant.

2. Your partner beats you up, there's your proof that he doesn't care about you, so why are you staying with him? Are you hoping that one day he will suddenly stop being an a*****e? It's not going to happen, he is what he is - he bashes women. A man who bashes women is a coward, a bully, and an emotional black hole who will drain the soul out of you. You're keeping yourself in danger by staying there.

3. You're afraid of repercussions from leaving him. Bullies get away with their crap because people don't stand up to them. If you choose not to leave you're enabling and condoning his behaviour, which is why it will never stop.

4. You're not sure you want a relationship with the other guy or you're not sure he wants a relationship with you.

I see no good reason why you shouldn't accept the offer of help from the other guy, it's a way out of your current situation. Call him, have a conversation about how unstable and unsure you feel, explain that after years of abuse you need time to recover from the hurt, and tell him that you would appreciate his help and support even if it doesn't turn into a big love story. My guess is he'll appreciate your honesty and will be there for you. If your abusive partner gets nasty, involve the police. Accepting help from the other guy doesn't mean you 'owe' him a relationship, and nor does he owe you anything other than friendship. As someone else said, this type of relationship often fizzles out once the secrecy is gone, but that doesn't mean that you can't be friends. Dig around and find a bit of self-esteem, put your own well-being first, and stop seeing the other guy as a new relationship and instead see him as a friend who's offering you an escape.

April 20

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Not a nice feeling, you have my sympathy. So, the only reason you're staying with an abusive partner is that you see no way of escaping unless you get involved with someone new who can give you a roof over your head and a false feeling of security. The guy you've been seeing is angry that he's offering you an escape but you're not taking it, and he's not being unreasonable by being offended, you're dicking him around. Look at the key points;

1. The guy you've been seeing isn't your partner's friend, if was his friend he wouldn't be sleeping with you. So that factor is irrelevant.

2. Your partner beats you up, there's your proof that he doesn't care about you, so why are you staying with him? Are you hoping that one day he will suddenly stop being an a*****e? It's not going to happen, he is what he is - he bashes women. A man who bashes women is a coward, a bully, and an emotional black hole who will drain the soul out of you. You're keeping yourself in danger by staying there.

3. You're afraid of repercussions from leaving him. Bullies get away with their crap because people don't stand up to them. If you choose not to leave you're enabling and condoning his behaviour, which is why it will never stop.

4. You're not sure you want a relationship with the other guy or you're not sure he wants a relationship with you.

I see no good reason why you shouldn't accept the offer of help from the other guy, it's a way out of your current situation. Call him, have a conversation about how unstable and unsure you feel, explain that after years of abuse you need time to recover from the hurt, and tell him that you would appreciate his help and support even if it doesn't turn into a big love story. My guess is he'll appreciate your honesty and will be there for you. If your abusive partner gets nasty, involve the police. Accepting help from the other guy doesn't mean you 'owe' him a relationship, and nor does he owe you anything other than friendship. As someone else said, this type of relationship often fizzles out once the secrecy is gone, but that doesn't mean that you can't be friends. Dig around and find a bit of self-esteem, put your own well-being first, and stop seeing the other guy as a new relationship and instead see him as a friend who's offering you an escape.

It's already fizzled out he isn't talking to me. I did send him a message he answered but it was cold towards me so I removed him from Facebook. When he asked me if my boyfriend was hitting me I stayed silent he asked a few more times and he could see I was welling up. His actions next morning was when I said I was leaving was thank eff for that away back to him that hits you.

I know I want to leave this man, I'm so miserable and he's hitting me not all the time but enough to put fear in me. I met him when I was 16 years old and being young and dumb thought he loved me the hitting started after that, I was chatting to 3 guys outside the pub while waiting on him coming out and he grabbed me by the hand and started hitting me in the face. My sister told me few months after don't get pregnant by him but it was to late I was already pregnant. My sister lives in another country with her husband and has her own life so not like I can move near her

April 20

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

(((HUGS))), I'm sorry you don't have a support system. There are shelters for abused women, you need to find one. They can help you get on your feet, find a job and a place to live. There are resources for women like you. Because you don't have anyone he will continue to physically abuse you. You have to find the courage to leave. If you are courageous enough to have an a fling with his friend, which is putting your life in jeopardy, you have the courage to move to a shelter.

I know its about time I grew up and took and face the unknown what's keeping me back is the unknown because I know nothing else, I have no idea how to live alone that's what's holding me back I'm terrified of that. People will say why don't you leave but I'm a coward

April 20

Is your lover the same guy who was throwing your underwear and vibrator around with his friends? If so, I don't know why you were thinking he could be respectful to you now.

Are you doing any therapy? I believe you need some professional support if you are to sort your life out

Edited April 20 by basil67

April 20

50 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

People will say why don't you leave but I'm a coward

You are not a coward. You are a woman in a difficult situation with very little support.

Depending on where you live, there are domestic abuse hotlines and women’s shelters that exist to help women who find themselves in difficult situations without social support. If you can seek support, you would be wise to do so.

It’s scary to leave but it is also scary to stay.

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is your lover the same guy who was throwing your underwear and vibrator around with his friends?

Further to my point above, be very careful that you are not moving from one unhealthy relationship to another. If this is the same man, you would be very unwise to trust him in any way.

April 20

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is your lover the same guy who was throwing your underwear and vibrator around with his friends? If so, I don't know why you were thinking he could be respectful to you now.

Are you doing any therapy? I believe you need some professional support if you are to sort your life out

Oh boy, if this is the same guy then completely ignore my last post . Contact a women's shelter, especially if you have children to protect.

April 21

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is your lover the same guy who was throwing your underwear and vibrator around with his friends? If so, I don't know why you were thinking he could be respectful to you now.

Oh, good grief.

OP, please tell us this isn't the guy you wrote about in your last thread. If so, girl, you need a huge time-out from men because youre picker is way, way off. I also see that you have kids. I assume their dad is your abusive partner. Is that correct?

Forget about this other guy. He's just a distraction from the real problems you badly need to sort out first. He's also a total clown, assuming it's the same man from your other thread linked here. Focus on getting you and your kids to a safe place. Contact support services in your area. Make that your prirority, and not a man.

April 21

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, good grief.

OP, please tell us this isn't the guy you wrote about in your last thread. If so, girl, you need a huge time-out from men because youre picker is way, way off. I also see that you have kids. I assume their dad is your abusive partner. Is that correct?

Forget about this other guy. He's just a distraction from the real problems you badly need to sort out first. He's also a total clown, assuming it's the same man from your other thread linked here. Focus on getting you and your kids to a safe place. Contact support services in your area. Make that your prirority, and not a man.

It was yes and he told me he was just joking due to I wasn't coming to his. But doesn't matter now about him looks like in the 2 weeks he went silent on me has a new girlfriend.

April 21

6 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

It was yes and he told me he was just joking due to I wasn't coming to his.

This is a form of gaslighting and emotional abuse - he disrespected you and then minimized his disrespect by telling you - “I’m just joking. Get over it.”

6 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

But doesn't matter now about him looks like in the 2 weeks he went silent on me has a new girlfriend.

There is your answer - he is not the one for you.

I would ask, what could you do to find support and begin to develop a plan to leave your current relationship? This is important - for you and your children.

Edited April 21 by BaileyB

April 21

10 minutes ago, Confusedsad81 said:

It was yes and he told me he was just joking due to I wasn't coming to his. But doesn't matter now about him looks like in the 2 weeks he went silent on me has a new girlfriend.

The most concerning part is that you would still even want him after that.

I would urge you to get out of your relationship and stay single for a while. You don't know what a good man looks like.

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