Confused

[Jae9891]

I, '35M' and '35F' have been in a 2 year relationship currently. 65% good, 35% rocky. In December 2023 until April of 2024 were some of the hardest times for me when I had mentally checked out of because of her disrespect, controlling behaviors and her willingness to dump me for any reason and made any issue I have brought up to her as a victimization of herself. I have pleaded with her on various occasions to stop those things as she knew i had abandonment issues from my past. She still persisited. I'm far from perfect, but she has admitted to me being the best man she has had in all her relationships. Typical...I know. But that leasd us to here.

 

In June of 2023, I FELT the distance between us and I'd constantly ask her was it anyone else or if things were going on. She'll deny it every damn time. But during that month, she was very distant and no time available. It made me feel very vulnerable. In July, me and another soldier female was just hanging out at a park off base...in broad daylight...in civilian clothes. We were close as far as being in the same platoon. We just chilled and talked and she made me feel...."wanted". Something my gf wasn't making me feel. She noticed somehow that I wasn't ok and inhale explained a few things vaguely. We hugged...a little to long...and we made out. During this time, she did leave a few hickies on my neck at the time which i didnt know. FYI she switched units and deployed to the ME soon after. I wont see her again. Not that i care to because it was just THAT. No emotional attachment. That brings us here.

 

Same day my gf wanted to see me a a dive bar so we can "talk stuff over". I was reluctant but I went. I drove an hour to see her and we met up. She ended up seeing the small hickies on my neck. Ok cool. I panicked and lied said it was my heavy ass rucksack. Lol I know...I know. But somehow after the back and forth...she was easily "convinced". Hmmmm ok. So after the talk I guess that was it. Months pass by and the relationship was better than I thought...or so which brings us HERE.

 

On February 3 2025, she came to spend the weekend with me while I'm on drill. In her car she had a call come in. Looking at the screen it wasn't saved, but she froze and the sheer panic on her face told me everything I needed to know. I called her out on it with a joke "oh that's one of you side guys huh?" She deflected via "no I don't. You probably have plenty of side chicks!". Remember that part. Hmmmm ok. I still held on to my conscious and wanted to figure that out. Later that night she left her laptop and went downstairs in the hotel after we had argued about it. GUESS WHAT I SAW? All the messages on facebook from guys from the very beginning of our relationship she was entertaining! Not only that, I saw she had slept with her ex after talking back to him since JUNE! During the time I knew she was doing something! Even her phone showed it but she always swore she was never like that. So after 8 months of hiding it....she finally admitted to i guess to what she wanted me to know. I was severely heartbroken. She was made at my hickies but you literally f***ed a guy few weeks prior? After days went by, I tried to cope and reason with myself. We talked and she wanted to work on s***. (Ik...Ik). Ok so she does everything she says she does to prove to me that they are no more....cool.

 

Fast forward to last night. 

 

We get into it over some bullshit. She finally brings up the hickies again and I did initially kept lying....but I said f*** it. So I told her EXACTLY what happened that day. Guess what? She freaks the f*** out? Now I'm like wait a min...you were talking to your ex bf a month before the hickies and you f*** him...but you are UPSET that I had a makeout session that resulted in a few hickies? She then tries to gaslight me by saying it's different? She then starts accusing me of f***ing her. I told her she is only saying that out of guilt because she ACTUALLY f*** her ex and sh is trying to justify evening the score. Then she goes on this whole tirade about everything she has done for me and she would never do me like I did her? Wtf? So I blocked her at any attempt to not take accountability for her actions. She deflected any question I had aimed at her infidelity by comparison. She admitted to pillow talking to him about OUR PROBLEMS. Stuff I didn't even know about. She was visiting him at his job during the times I was calling her. She literally gave this man her time, but got upset at me for a one....ONE time thing that she seen for herself? 

 

Now she is stonewalling me. No replies or anything. I feel hat this is a tactic to break me down because now she sees that she couldn't handle a 10th of what she actually did to me. In my opinion, this made her look worse and trying to save face. I asked her if I would have never found that s***, would she have still acted like she was perfect and blamed my hickies on her attitude and the current state of the relationship? Crickets.... She is was telling me that she doesn't believe me that I never had sex with her YET wants me to "fix" the situation? That she initially started? 

 

Now...how do I handle this? Do I just give her some space and let her sort it out then let her come back? It's obvious at this point that she can be using narcissistic ways to damage control this over reacted situation. As of now she has blocked me...temporarily because i kept texting her when she said stop when i was trying to fix this. Im not saying I'm right but this seems "narcissisticly" one sided from her. 

[basil67]

You have nothing good to say about her, and you've both been cheating.   Just end it

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Jae9891 said:

Now...how do I handle this?

How do you handle a toxic relationship in which both partners cheated on each other, have no trust, and feel miserable?

You end it, of course.

[ShyViolet]

Isn't it obvious that this relationship is so toxic that the only smart thing to do would be to end it?  What exactly are you confused about?

[Jae9891]

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it 

Yes, people aren't always rational.   This doesn't negate the fact that you need to end the relationship 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

That really doesn't matter at this point

[Acacia98]

How you handle this? You block her and start to move on. I mean, you want to be with someone you can trust and don't want to feel the need to seek attention and affirmation outside your relationship. Isn't that correct?

Remember how you felt at this point:

Quote

June of 2023, I FELT the distance between us and I'd constantly ask her was it anyone else or if things were going on. She'll deny it every damn time. But during that month, she was very distant and no time available. It made me feel very vulnerable. 

Knowing what you now know, if you found yourself in this kind of situation again (with another woman because there is no earthly reason for you to reconcile with this woman), what would you do differently?

Edited April 20 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

So?

This relationship needs to be over. What she's upset about is completely irrelevant at this point. You are both behaving in dysfunctional ways. End it. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

Yes, so? That’s a very common thing. A lot of cheaters are very jealous and controlling people who get outraged when they learn that someone did the same thing to them that they’ve been doing to others.

 

 

[Georgia46]

9 hours ago, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

You’re both a crazy pair who probs can’t let go of each other.    Do you still want her despite what’s happened? 

[flitzanu]

On 4/19/2025 at 9:25 PM, Jae9891 said:

I understand that. What I'm saying is that she's highly upset at what I did when she did it first.

it's not really a contest of who cheated first or cheated better