teethbrushes Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 My ex and I broke up a year ago. He's really weird about things now, wishy-washy...one day he seems to not be over me and the next he seems to not even know we dated. I'm just very...i don't know...down on myself right now. I don't understand how all of my friends are in relationships and I'm not. Its been a year of single-ness and I had never been wiht anyone before our relationship. I just miss that intense relationship we had and i know i can't get someting like that again with JUST ANYONE. And I don't necessarily want it to be him, but I want to be with someone...i feel like I need to be. But for some reason its always been so hard for me to find a special someone. I waited 20 years to be with him and I've been single for a year, and I'm petrified i'm going to have to wait another 20. My friends are all having fun with their boyfriends and I feel like i'm "always the bridesmaid, never the bride". People say "You'll meet someone soon!" but I doubt it more and more everyday.
bendit Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Its hard to move on when you stay in contact with someone you were in love with. Its hard to transition that to friends. You haven't let go yet. Its hard to find someone new when the heart still has a place for the ex and even limited contact with him keeps those longing feelings front and center. Most people here would say what has been happening is a "stringing you along" dynamic. I realize that you have every excuse in the book as to why you have to remain in contact with the ex. I am not telling you to go NC because that's your choice and you can't fathom that at this point. I am just giving you the facts as to what causes you to feel the way you do. . regards
Author teethbrushes Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 i don't think he's stringing me along, we barely talk! lol I don't think he knows what he wants/how to deal with it. There is no way to go NC. Sorry. Its actually impossible. I can do limited contact, but NC is impossible. I honestly, from his behavior, would not say either of us are strining one another along. And actually no one I've talked to about the situation has concluded that that is what he is doing. You also can't go NC with someone who is in your social circle and who has a class with you. You can obviously be awkward and rude and not talk to them, or you can be civil and say hello. You don't have to be best friends.
bendit Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Nobody suggested you go NC. Please read the response more carefully. >>one day he seems to not be over me and the next he seems to not even know we dated. << Call it what you want. He may not be consciously stringing you along but his ambivelance produces the same result. You are getting mixed messages from his ambivelance or interpreting his behavior as a mixed message. Once again, I am NOT suggesting what you should do. You seem locked in your thinking and that's fine to use the board for venting. I am merely giving you the facts as to why you are hurting. Its very clear. The (limited) contact keeps you frozen. regards
Author teethbrushes Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 nowhere in post did I say I was missing him, did I? i said I was missing being in an intense relationship and sometimes felt ****ty about the fact that I was dumped and am afraid of not finding someone again. How is that the same thing? I think this sort of panic sets in when you actually HAVE let go. And besides, do you think its nice to ignore someone you know? I'm not saying we have to have long conversations or go out to a movie together, but i feel like just whizzing right by him as if I had never met him is downright RUDE. Or asking my friends to stop being friends with him, is downright psychotic.
In Sync Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 nowhere in post did I say I was missing him, did I? i said I was missing being in an intense relationship and sometimes felt ****ty about the fact that I was dumped and am afraid of not finding someone again. How is that the same thing? I think this sort of panic sets in when you actually HAVE let go. And besides, do you think its nice to ignore someone you know? I'm not saying we have to have long conversations or go out to a movie together, but i feel like just whizzing right by him as if I had never met him is downright RUDE. Or asking my friends to stop being friends with him, is downright psychotic. I think Bendit hit he nail on the hammer. You write in your previous post I just miss that intense relationship we had and i know i can't get someting like that again with JUST ANYONE. And I don't necessarily want it to be him, but I want to be with someone...i feel like I need to be. Well, it may not be obvious to you, but being in constant contact with someone who is your ex and not involved with you as in 'bf' is definitely a reminder of what you had. How do you ever see yourself moving on and not tied to the past. And if you are tied to the past how will you be free to be open to a new relationship. YOU are sabotaging your own recovery because of the remaining in contact with this guy. PERIOD. Plus what's this thing where you assume NO CONTACT = not being nice. No contact is being nice to yourself if anything. It's removing yourself out of an unhealthy situation. Your ex bf choses to behave 'wishy-washy' to you. Is he being nice to you with this behavior or thinking of his own self-interest. The reason your friends have boyfriends is because they made a decision to not waste time with someone who doesn't want not to be their boyfriends and they found guys who want to be with them. YOU on the otherhand are more concern with this "nice" image and taking whatever crumbs your ex feeds you. And feeling down on yourself...oh that's a great magnet for attracting a new guy. Maybe the bf might see you in a different light if you said ENOUGH. I can do just fine without you, because I got my stuff together..and since you don't recognize my wonderful marvelous qualities I will find someone who does!
Author teethbrushes Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 i personally think all of this is bull**** that you guys are saying. you don't really know the situation or how i'm feeling and at this moment I am missing having someone I am close to, not him. I think it can be completely seperated. I felt like this BEFORE I met him. I was very afraid I'd never find anyone. its the same thing, and I think a process in letting go, realizing that you aren't meant for each other. As long as you hope you are still attatched. I am not hoping and therefore am on my own and am nervous and scared. See my point? No probably not. I am not "taking whatever crumbs he is feeding me"....I talk to him when I see him, but we don't engage in long conversations. I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks because I haven't seen him in two weeks. If he didn't go to my school, there would be complete no contact. And yeah, I don't want people to think I'm rude or dramatic. I think acting that way would really perpetuate that. I don't care what he thinks. I've told him to his face I've had enough of the way he acts, and he knows he acts weird, he told me so. In no uncertain terms he told me he's acting this way BECAUSE he's not over me. As for him "not wanting to be with me", i can tell you it is quite more complicated than that. Wishy-washy doesn't even begin to describe it. Us not being together is very largely my fault through things I've told him, and he even said that. And its partly because I don't think its a good idea knowing him....yes, even someone who was dumped can decide that it won't work out and the dumper can regret it. OH MY GOSH. Yes it happens. Soooo....I really think you guys are being weird. I haven't seen him in a while and therefore I'm not thinking about HIM I'm just worried that I'll never find someone else...which doesn't mean I'm hung up on HIM, just that I won't find anyone, which is definitely how I felt before him. I was upset that everyone had a boyfriend before me. And yeah I'm kind of embarrassed he didn't want to be with me....but whatever. I think most of you guys are just too hellbent on "NO CONTACT!" and "STOP BEING ABUSED!!" to even read this post in the context its supposed to be in. PS- I HAVE dated other guys....and I actually had a boyfriend since my ex who I dumped. SHOCKER. I have a lot of guys who have been attracted to me, but I haven't to them. I'm VERY picky, hence why I didn't have one for so long before.
In Sync Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 i personally think all of this is bull**** that you guys are saying. you don't really know the situation or how i'm feeling and at this moment I am missing having someone I am close to, not him. I think it can be completely seperated. I felt like this BEFORE I met him. I was very afraid I'd never find anyone. its the same thing, and I think a process in letting go, realizing that you aren't meant for each other. As long as you hope you are still attatched. I am not hoping and therefore am on my own and am nervous and scared. See my point? No probably not. I am not "taking whatever crumbs he is feeding me"....I talk to him when I see him, but we don't engage in long conversations. I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks because I haven't seen him in two weeks. If he didn't go to my school, there would be complete no contact. And yeah, I don't want people to think I'm rude or dramatic. I think acting that way would really perpetuate that. I don't care what he thinks. I've told him to his face I've had enough of the way he acts, and he knows he acts weird, he told me so. In no uncertain terms he told me he's acting this way BECAUSE he's not over me. As for him "not wanting to be with me", i can tell you it is quite more complicated than that. Wishy-washy doesn't even begin to describe it. Us not being together is very largely my fault through things I've told him, and he even said that. And its partly because I don't think its a good idea knowing him....yes, even someone who was dumped can decide that it won't work out and the dumper can regret it. OH MY GOSH. Yes it happens. Soooo....I really think you guys are being weird. I haven't seen him in a while and therefore I'm not thinking about HIM I'm just worried that I'll never find someone else...which doesn't mean I'm hung up on HIM, just that I won't find anyone, which is definitely how I felt before him. I was upset that everyone had a boyfriend before me. And yeah I'm kind of embarrassed he didn't want to be with me....but whatever. I think most of you guys are just too hellbent on "NO CONTACT!" and "STOP BEING ABUSED!!" to even read this post in the context its supposed to be in. PS- I HAVE dated other guys....and I actually had a boyfriend since my ex who I dumped. SHOCKER. I have a lot of guys who have been attracted to me, but I haven't to them. I'm VERY picky, hence why I didn't have one for so long before. You're a tad bit pathological my dear, didn't detect that until you wrote this post...thanks for the warning. I know now to avoid anything with your username. bye bye:bunny:
Author teethbrushes Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 as in exhibiting compulsive behavior? Just because I do not agree that this is not because I am "not over my ex"? Interesting. Okay you're right I'll go NC!!! OMG THANKS!!!!
pippen_2k Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Why do people even bother posting when they get angry and dont appreciate other peoples comments? Toothbrush chick if you come to a public forum asking for help.. or whatever your doing, dont get offended and say 'we dont understand your situation, and that no contact is all BS' when your the one whos hurting. Take everyones comments and insight onboard and you might realise that your situation aint all that different. GL
Author teethbrushes Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 well i'm just kind of POed because people are presuming to know things about me that they don't. I felt this way BEFORE I met my ex...and its really not about him at all. I'm pretty over him. I don't think I'm taking whatever crumbs he gives me...he does his thing, I do mine. Sometimes we run into each other and we have small talk, but it doesn't MEAN anything. I'm actively looking for someone new, I just haven't found them yet because I've always had a hard time finding boys I'm interested in. It has little to nothing to do with my ex. And to tell me to stop talking to my ex as if that will make this feeling going away is perposterous. I said I don't think that's what it is, and the people here keep saying IT IS...but when I talked to several people IRL who KNOW the situation, they definately scoffed at this and saying cutting him out isn't going to make me feel better about myself or having or not having a boyfriend. I wasn't really ASKING for help anyway, more like musing.
JS17 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 As far as your OP is concerned, I think a lot of people feel like that, even those who do not speak with their exs. I actually think it has little to do with the fact that you still speak with your ex although I'm sure it doesn't help matters. It's not about not having him but about not having someone. Being the single one in a group of friends that all have boyfriends or girlfriends can be really tough and not everyone is happier alone as they are with an SO. It's not easy to find a good match for yourself and this is when people will tell you to start learning to date for fun until you find the right guy. It works for some people and it doesn't work for others. You just have to figure out what's right for you.
Author teethbrushes Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 thanks. It is hard and its so hard to find love! what i had with my ex was so rare, but I realize he has issues and I hope it strikes twice in a lifetime because I know we're not getting back together. Its just a hard thing, being single....I don't like it. I miss having someone I could always talk to who wanted to talk to me all of the time!
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