Conflict maybe clash of different cultures. Should I cut my losses?

[wawaluigi57]

My girlfriend and I are both in our early 30s with stable careers. Our goal is to buy a house and start a family together. However, I feel like we’re being weighed down by her family.

Her family is from a developing country and isn’t very well-off. I’ve noticed they follow a more collectivist culture, where family support is expected. We earn enough to get by, but we live in a very expensive city. To her family, it probably seems like we’re wealthy. In my view, they always seem to want more. We've taken them on vacations, my girlfriend built them a house, and we've sent them money from time to time — but it never seems to be enough. Her mom constantly asks for more. She’s a healthy, able-bodied woman, about to retire, and is essentially expecting a monthly pension from my girlfriend. It feels like a “what have you done for me lately?” mentality.

My family, on the other hand, are also immigrants, but they've lived in the U.S. for many years and built their own lives. We come from a more individualistic culture. My parents never ask for anything — they’re generous and self-sufficient. I treat them because I want to, not because I have to. They don't place any financial burden on me or my girlfriend, nor do they feel entitled to our money.

Her parents came to visit and stayed with us for a few months. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I sucked it up, thinking it was temporary. We paid for everything — food, travel, trips, etc. Now they’re heading back home, but my girlfriend told me they want to move to the U.S. permanently. That’s when my fear started becoming real. I had a feeling that once they got a taste of our lifestyle here, they’d feel entitled to it.

My girlfriend wants to sponsor them and tries to reassure me with promises about setting boundaries — how they won’t live with us and will have their own jobs and home. But realistically, I worry they’ll struggle to find decent work without education or a good career. Then we’ll end up giving them money every month just to help them get by.

Another scenario is that if we finally manage to save enough for a house, they might slowly find their way into our home — staying rent-free, eating our food, unable to cover their bills. They already have a nice home in their country, but I fear they’ll leave that behind and eventually expect to live with us.

I also have significantly more savings than my girlfriend, and if I buy a house, I’m genuinely afraid they’ll take it over. I love my girlfriend, but it feels like her family is holding us back from building our own future together.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I cut my losses?

Edited April 19 by wawaluigi57

[Gebidozo]

You aren’t wrong to feel this way. Of course, her parents have no right to impose themselves on you, physically or financially or otherwise.

But if your girlfriend promises you that proper boundaries will be set, maybe you should trust her?

Have you made it completely clear to your girlfriend that you won’t accept her parents living with you?

[BaileyB]

I would also be unhappy in this situation.

Has your girlfriend ever been able to enforce a boundary with her parents to protect your best interest or that of your relationship? If not, you may need to accept that this is their family dynamic, it is likely based at least in part on culture, and it’s unlikely to ever change. If you can accept this, proceed with the relationship. If you can’t accept this, it is likely to become a greater source of conflict as her parents retire and grow older (require more support) and as you have children. 

My only advice is to get a cohabitation agreement (as you are already living together) or prenup (if you decide to marry) asap - you will want to protect your assets in the event of separation, divorce, or death. 

Edited April 20 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

A few thoughts:

1. If she's not able to set boundaries regarding how much she sends them now, she's not going to miraculously be able to set boundaries in the future.

2. I come from a collectivist culture, like your girlfriend. And I honestly wouldn't consider marrying someone who thinks like you. There's no way we would be able to make things work. We're talking about two completely different life philosophies. Now, please understand that I'm not saying there's something wrong with your worldview, just that this is a serious point of incompatibility. It is potentially as weighty as religious incompatibility or sexual incompatibility. So I recommend that both of you take it very seriously.

3. The fact that your girlfriend seems to believe that immigrating would be a simple, straightforward process for her family and everything would work out just great is not encouraging. If you're going to undertake something as challenging as family immigration, you need to have a realistic understanding of the problems that may lie ahead and how to deal with them. Also, I'm just throwing this out there because you didn't mention it in your post: I don't know if you're aware of this, but before they get their work permits and are able to support themselves, you and your girlfriend will have to support them. So one of your fears would definitely materialize, even if only temporarily (one hopes).

4. Also, this is a bit of a crazy time for anyone to be trying to move to the US. I hope they're planning to postpone any plans to move until the current administration's term is over.

[Els]

Hoooo boy @wawaluigi57 do I feel you.

Culture clash can be a real issue, even when both people are from the same ethnic culture! I was born in a collectivist culture that is similar to what you describe, and it would be a completely impossible for me to sustain a relationship with a person who is 100% on board with that culture.

I think I'm probably 100% individualistic and my husband is 50/50. We've been together for 16 years, and have been mostly happy with only a few disputes.

The key is that we agreed early on on what the hard boundaries are - those are never going to be up for debate. But anything that falls within these boundaries we will try to compromise on. For instance, he does send his parents money, which I'm fine with as long as it doesn't blow our budget. But they will never move in with us, and they aren't allowed to interfere in our major life decisions.

So, I guess you have to weigh the current relationship with your gf (are you in love with her? would you marry her if this wasn't an issue?), against her ability to set boundaries and stand her ground against her parents. If they did immigrate and insist on moving in, for example, can you trust that she will back you up, or will it be her and them against you?

If you want to carry on with her, I think it's essential that you both have a talk about hard boundaries, and see if you can reach an agreement that works for both of you. For instance, I think paying them maybe $100 a month isn't a big deal - I wouldn't lose a partner I loved over that. But some things should be a hard line in the sand - like them moving in with you.

And if you decide you don't want any part of this... That's an entirely understandable decision. You only have one life. Don't be afraid to live it for you.

Edited April 20 by Els

[wawaluigi57]

4 hours ago, Els said:

Hoooo boy @wawaluigi57 do I feel you.

Culture clash can be a real issue, even when both people are from the same ethnic culture! I was born in a collectivist culture that is similar to what you describe, and it would be a completely impossible for me to sustain a relationship with a person who is 100% on board with that culture.

I think I'm probably 100% individualistic and my husband is 50/50. We've been together for 16 years, and have been mostly happy with only a few disputes.

The key is that we agreed early on on what the hard boundaries are - those are never going to be up for debate. But anything that falls within these boundaries we will try to compromise on. For instance, he does send his parents money, which I'm fine with as long as it doesn't blow our budget. But they will never move in with us, and they aren't allowed to interfere in our major life decisions.

So, I guess you have to weigh the current relationship with your gf (are you in love with her? would you marry her if this wasn't an issue?), against her ability to set boundaries and stand her ground against her parents. If they did immigrate and insist on moving in, for example, can you trust that she will back you up, or will it be her and them against you?

If you want to carry on with her, I think it's essential that you both have a talk about hard boundaries, and see if you can reach an agreement that works for both of you. For instance, I think paying them maybe $100 a month isn't a big deal - I wouldn't lose a partner I loved over that. But some things should be a hard line in the sand - like them moving in with you.

And if you decide you don't want any part of this... That's an entirely understandable decision. You only have one life. Don't be afraid to live it for you.

Yeah her family moving in with us is a hard no. I will break up with her no question, but she sweet talking me like no that won't happen. They will just come here and live on their own and work. I will only sponsor them, but how are they going to be independent here in the states with no education or any work history here. Life is harder than they think. My fear is getting too invested and lose my assets. I sacrificed alot for what I have and I don't want to be anyone's meal ticket. Prenup for me is mandatory. I have much more to lose. I already predicted that her family visiting here they will want to move to the states once they get a taste. 

Am I in love with her? I say no, but then again I am bit hardened and think more rationally. Don't know what love is. I try not to let my emotions get involved.  My fear is she will use me as her meal ticket to enrich herself where we get a house and she would push me out having her family mooch off of us forever. 

Edited April 21 by wawaluigi57

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, wawaluigi57 said:

Am I in love with her? I say no

13 minutes ago, wawaluigi57 said:

My fear is she will use me as her meal ticket

You aren’t in love with her and you suspect her of using you? Goodness… Tell her honestly how you feel and break up with her. You both should be with people whom you love and trust and who loves and trusts you.

Forget about all those other advices, they are superfluous and irrelevant to your situation. Any relationship without love and trust is doomed anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

ou aren’t in love with her and you suspect her of using you? Goodness… Tell her honestly how you feel and break up with her.

Yeah, what the heck, OP?

You are worried about the wrong things here. Your relationship is built on a flimsy foundation, clearly, and I doubt your girlfriend would be pleased to hear how you view her and that you are not in love with her. Why are you even dating her if this is how you feel? 

This relationship is on a collision course all by itself. Her parents situation is not even the most relevant factor. 

[Els]

16 hours ago, wawaluigi57 said:

Am I in love with her? I say no, but then again I am bit hardened and think more rationally. Don't know what love is. I try not to let my emotions get involved.  My fear is she will use me as her meal ticket to enrich herself where we get a house and she would push me out having her family mooch off of us forever. 

Well, this is a much bigger problem by far, don't you think? Why are you still with her if this is how you feel?