Girlfriend (24F) Broke up With Me (25M) Over Starbucks Drink

[Sabin]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for a year and 8 months as of Monday morning. Everything had been relatively fine with no recent arguments or big discussions. Monday morning, my girlfriend went to Starbucks and got herself a drink before online classes. She sent me a message that morning saying that the employee had drawn an inappropriate drawing on her cup. She even went so far as to post it on her story with the caption "at least take me out to dinner first". The drawing, she claimed, resembled male genitalia. I thought this was just a joke because of the resemblance, but not a serious take.

[ ] 

The evening rolls around and we have a facetime call before she goes to bed. We were talking and she brought up the alleged d*ck drawing and said it made her uncomfortable. After looking at the image more closely, I pushed back against her narrative because it really did not resemble a d*ck after a longer look. The drawing was done with sharpie and slightly smeared. I could definitely see the resemblance at first glance, but am 100% confident that it wasn't meant to be a d*ck. I did so politely and of course she didn't take kindly to my push back. We went back and forth a bit and she started to get angry with me because I wasn't validating her feelings or comforting her properly. Out of frustration, I said that she should "go tell the news" then. I had a stressful day dealing with taxes and was really bothered with how much of fuss she was making over this drawing. Of course that caused her to call me "f*cking rude" and "invalidating" and she hung up on me for the night. 

The next day, we didn't speak until around 5PM. I messaged her explaining to her that I didn't understand why me disagreeing with her made her so upset. It was allegedly because of the way I had disagreed with her and refused to acknowledge her side. I could post the text conversation for more context, but this back and forth continued for a while. I tried explaining to her that the drawing was meant to be a star and that clearly it would make no sense for the employee to be drawing penises on the cups. She said that she didn't want to mention this...but that sometimes women are targeted and things like this happen. After more heated back and forth messages, she said that we should reevaluate our relationship moving forward.  

So, we waited for a while and then face Timed together. We talked about the incident, and she was again getting upset because I was pushing my point and not focusing on comforting her. I was trying to get it through to her that there was no reason in the first place to be upset about this because it clearly wasn't a d*ck. I was also trying to explain to her that her anger makes it so hard to have discussions with her at times. She can be very quick to get upset and is sometimes unable to have a mature conversation or admit that she might be wrong. She wasn't having any of it though. I am apparently unempathetic "just like my politics" and a few other things that I can't remember. She then I asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that she's the one with the grievances and that she should make the decision. She mentioned that I was expressing potential doubts over the weekend (which I was and wanted to talk to her about CALMLY) and that she didn't want to be with me anymore over this argument. I then told her that I loved her and appreciated her for all of her positive qualities. I also said that if it was meant to be, it will be, and that I hope she finds happiness in the future. Then she just coldly said "bye" and hung up. I haven't heard from her since. 

I am having trouble understanding the situation here. Was this just an excuse to break up? Should I have been more comforting instead of trying to push my POV? Just this weekend she was telling me that we've worked hard for our relationship and shouldn't just give up easily. Funny how that turned out.  My buddy's girlfriend sent him a picture of her Starbucks order with the exact same star drawing from a different location today. I was tempted to send it to her, but didn't. 

 

Edited April 17 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed hyperlink

[basil67]

 

3 hours ago, Sabin said:

I am apparently unempathetic "just like my politics" and a few other things that I can't remember

With the context of this quote, I think she didn't break up over the starbucks drink.  It sounds like there were a number of things bugging her but this was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.   As for who is right vs wrong, it sounds to me like she over reacted and you didn't listen and pushed too hard the other way.  

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but better to find out now than go through a divorce

Edited April 18 by basil67

[Sabin]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

With the context of this quote, I think she didn't break up over the starbucks drink.  It sounds like there were a number of things bugging her but this was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.   As for who is right vs wrong, it sounds to me like she over reacted and you didn't listen and pushed too hard the other way.  

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but better to find out now than go through a divorce

Perhaps, but this isn't a new revelation to her. She's known my political stances and I've known hers for quite a while. However, ever since she started attending a certain class in Univerity, it seemingly became more of a topic of discussion. However, we rarely argued about politics at all. That seemed just like something she grabbed out of thin air to deflect from the situation. I had an image posted of the drawing, but it was removed by the moderators. Should I have been more understanding? I mean...I feel like I am a decently understanding person, but it's like asking her to "reaffirm"  and "understand" my belief that the world is flat because I saw something on the internet about it. It was clearly not a drawing of a penis. Typing that out just makes me realize even more how ridiculous this is. 

[basil67]

Honestly, the only one who knows the truth of why she broke up is her.  I can only make a guess based on what she said

Edited April 18 by basil67

[Sabin]

Just now, basil67 said:

Honestly, the only one who knows the truth of why she broke up is her.  I can only make an educated guess

That's fair. Maybe at some point the true reason will reveal itself, or not. 

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, Sabin said:

I had an image posted of the drawing, but it was removed by the moderators.

Doesn't that make you think that your ex is right that it does resemble male anatomy? 

Anyway, she probably wanted you to be on her side and instead you were pretty dismissive. That's probably why she ended it.

Edited April 18 by SurfCity

[Gebidozo]

Being dismissive of your partner’s opinion and repeatedly trying to prove them wrong when they are distressed about something is a bad idea. You shouldn’t have argued with her about the drawing.

That said, I’m pretty sure that the argument over the drawing wasn’t the cause of the breakup. You probably had some serious relationship problems and the argument was like the last straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't really about the Starbucks artiste. 

There were very clearly some issues already brewing and this sent her over the edge. You obviously had had some reservations about her, too: 
 

6 hours ago, Sabin said:

I was also trying to explain to her that her anger makes it so hard to have discussions with her at times. She can be very quick to get upset and is sometimes unable to have a mature conversation

 

6 hours ago, Sabin said:

I was expressing potential doubts over the weekend (which I was and wanted to talk to her about CALMLY)

It is evident you two have been at odds for a while. Maybe it's time you both realized this isn't a match and you're not suited for each other. 

[Sabin]

1 hour ago, SurfCity said:

Doesn't that make you think that your ex is right that it does resemble male anatomy? 

Anyway, she probably wanted you to be on her side and instead you were pretty dismissive. That's probably why she ended it.

I am thinking that new members might not be able to post image links. I would be happy to send it to you privately. 

I can totally understand wanting me to be on her side. I do believe that we agreed more often than not as I generally am pretty agreeable and try to avoid confrontation. With that being said, all of her feelings about the topic were based off of an assumption that was false. Starbucks employees are required to write something on every cup. This instance seemed to be a poorly drawn star. I was only trying to explain that to her so that she wouldn't feel so unfomfortable. I figured that if I could explain my reasoning she would understand and perhaps not feel upset about it. 

[Sabin]

52 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Being dismissive of your partner’s opinion and repeatedly trying to prove them wrong when they are distressed about something is a bad idea. You shouldn’t have argued with her about the drawing.

That said, I’m pretty sure that the argument over the drawing wasn’t the cause of the breakup. You probably had some serious relationship problems and the argument was like the last straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

I can understand that being dismissive of a partner is not good, and yes, I made a dismissive statement out of frustration. However, I don't think having a different opinion on something is dismissive. I was just trying to show her my reasoning for believing it was a star, not male genetalia, but she didn't want to hear it. I don't think it's fair if I have to accept her perspective and not be able to express my own. 

There may have been deeper issues, but everything seemed fine up until this point. We had a great weekend together just a few days before, and no recent disagreements that would make me believe something is up. 

Edited April 18 by Sabin

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Sabin said:

There may have been deeper issues

What issues?

Apparently, those issues haven’t been resolved.

[Sabin]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't really about the Starbucks artiste. 

There were very clearly some issues already brewing and this sent her over the edge. You obviously had had some reservations about her, too: 
 

 

It is evident you two have been at odds for a while. Maybe it's time you both realized this isn't a match and you're not suited for each other. 

Maybe you're right. The thing is that I am a chronic overthinker. I think that no matter which relationship I am in, I will overthink about something. This is obviously my problem and not hers. Despite my reservations, I was still more than willing to work things out with her. There will never be a person that I find that is absolutely flawless. I believe that love means accepting someones flaws and working with them. 

[Sabin]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

What issues?

Apparently, those issues haven’t been resolved.

If there were any deeper issues, I was not being let in on them. In the beginning of our relationship, it was kind of hard for me to get her to open up emotionally due to past experiences. Not only that, but her relationship with her mom has always been tumultuous since childhood, which I think has had an effect on her attachment style. She wasn't keen on discussing serious relationship related topics, and while she got better over time, she may have been holding back. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Sabin said:

I believe that love means accepting someones flaws and working with them. 

Be careful with this. This is the sort of mindset that a lot of people use to justify staying in bad relationships, too. 

It is also more than healthy to find some "flaws" as incompatible with your own value system, needs and desires in a relationship. You two very clearly don't value this relationship the same way. 

 

[Sabin]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Be careful with this. This is the sort of mindset that a lot of people use to justify staying in bad relationships, too. 

It is also more than healthy to find some "flaws" as incompatible with your own value system, needs and desires in a relationship. You two very clearly don't value this relationship the same way. 

 

I agree. I think there are many exceptions to that rule in cases of abuse, cheating, etc. However, I personally don't see any of our incompatabilities to be deal-breakers. That's why I wanted to talk to her about my doubts/questions in order to get clarification as to how she feels about them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Sabin said:

 That's why I wanted to talk to her about my doubts/questions in order to get clarification as to how she feels about them. 

And that's fair. 

However, she evidently doesn't share that view. It is now obvious that she does view those things as dealbreakers. 

[Sabin]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And that's fair. 

However, she evidently doesn't share that view. It is now obvious that she does view those things as dealbreakers. 

Well if that is truly the case, I wish that she would have expressed that to me differently. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Sabin said:

Well if that is truly the case, I wish that she would have expressed that to me differently. 

She broke up with you, so I am not sure why pose that as a hypothetical. 

And of course, most would have preferred a rational conversation. However, she chose a different route, which is telling in and of itself. 

[Sabin]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She broke up with you, so I am not sure why pose that as a hypothetical. 

And of course, most would have preferred a rational conversation. However, she chose a different route, which is telling in and of itself. 

I am only posing it as a hypothetical because part of me truly believes that this was soley about this incident and not anything else. I am open to the idea that there were other factors, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes because we haven't had any major issues recently. Like I said though, her anger can really get the best of her at times. I have seen it between her and her mom. Things are said/done that are definitely not healthy. I suppose I should have known that those learned beahviors would at some point leach into our relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Sabin said:

part of me truly believes that this was soley about this incident and not anything else.

Then you are choosing not to listen to what she herself told you: 

7 hours ago, Sabin said:

I am apparently unempathetic "just like my politics" and a few other things that I can't remember.

Ignore that if you wish, but you won't be able to claim you didn't know this wasn't just about a cup. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sabin said:

I am open to the idea that there were other factors

You should be, because there clearly were. You said yourself that she became progressively annoyed with your political views, told you that you lacked empathy, and so on.

You’ve got to understand that the event that finally triggers a breakup is very rarely the actual reason for the breakup. It is more like a visible symptom of a disease that has been around for a while.

In any case, nobody breaks up over an argument about a drawing. That is simply impossible. There must be other reasons.

 

1 hour ago, Sabin said:

Like I said though, her anger can really get the best of her at times.

People don’t break up due to anger. Even when there is anger, such as after the discovery of cheating, it’s not the anger that kills the relationship, it’s the heavily wounded love and the destroyed trust and the alienation. 

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, Sabin said:

With that being said, all of her feelings about the topic were based off of an assumption that was false.

 

Quote

I was only trying to explain that to her so that she wouldn't feel so unfomfortable. I figured that if I could explain my reasoning she would understand and perhaps not feel upset about it. 

Can you see how condescending you sound? You come across as arrogant and lacking self-awareness. 

Quote

I am apparently unempathetic "just like my politics" and a few other things that I can't remember.

Does it occur to you that the fact that she has a list indicates that she wasn't happy in this relationship and didn't dump you over the argument about the drawing? That argument was the last straw.

Apparently, you're not that great of a listener; you can be dismissive and argumentative and you kind of have an attitude of superiority towards her. 

Quote

I would be happy to send it to you privately. 

Make the drawing your profile picture if it isn't X-rated.

Edited April 18 by SurfCity

[Sabin]

24 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

 

Can you see how condescending you sound? You come across as arrogant and lacking self-awareness. 

Does it occur to you that the fact that she has a list indicates that she wasn't happy in this relationship and didn't dump you over the argument about the drawing? That argument was the last straw.

Apparently, you're not that great of a listener; you can be dismissive and argumentative and you kind of have an attitude of superiority towards her. 

Make the drawing your profile picture if it isn't X-rated.

I appreciate your input. If I was upset over a misunderstanding, I would not at all be offended if my girlfriend came in and said, "Hey babe, I think you might have misunderstood. This is actually x, not y." That would make me feel better as I would realize that I was upset over nothing. Starbucks employees are required to write on the cups before releasing the order. I severely doubt that an employee would purposefully draw genetalia on the cup unless interested in losing their job. Things like that have certainly happened though! Being a great listener does not mean being in full agreement. Am I supposed to take every comment as truth? 

[Sabin]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You should be, because there clearly were. You said yourself that she became progressively annoyed with your political views, told you that you lacked empathy, and so on.

You’ve got to understand that the event that finally triggers a breakup is very rarely the actual reason for the breakup. It is more like a visible symptom of a disease that has been around for a while.

In any case, nobody breaks up over an argument about a drawing. That is simply impossible. There must be other reasons.

 

People don’t break up due to anger. Even when there is anger, such as after the discovery of cheating, it’s not the anger that kills the relationship, it’s the heavily wounded love and the destroyed trust and the alienation. 

Perhaps some context would be appropriate to fully understand the types of things that made her angy. One time, we were out at a restaurant of which had a REALLY heavy door. I went to open the door and had to pull pretty hard. I had her feel the weight of the door because of how heavy it was. Later, I learned that she was angry with me because she thought I was trying to embarass her in front of everybody. Just a few days ago, she started getting really mad that she couldn't find her metal straw, and proceeded to have a sudden snappy attitude towards her family. Another time a few months ago, I got chewed out for how I reacted to her having a dream of me cheating. Another thing is that she was always allowed to alter our weekend plans if she had something going on. I would tell her I understand and to take the time she needs. Any time I tried to alter our plans for something important, it was a huge blow up. So while you might say it's impossible for someone to break up over a drawing...I wouldn't put it past her. 

[Gebidozo]

16 minutes ago, Sabin said:

Perhaps some context would be appropriate to fully understand the types of things that made her angy. One time, we were out at a restaurant of which had a REALLY heavy door. I went to open the door and had to pull pretty hard. I had her feel the weight of the door because of how heavy it was. Later, I learned that she was angry with me because she thought I was trying to embarass her in front of everybody. Just a few days ago, she started getting really mad that she couldn't find her metal straw, and proceeded to have a sudden snappy attitude towards her family. Another time a few months ago, I got chewed out for how I reacted to her having a dream of me cheating. Another thing is that she was always allowed to alter our weekend plans if she had something going on. I would tell her I understand and to take the time she needs. Any time I tried to alter our plans for something important, it was a huge blow up. So while you might say it's impossible for someone to break up over a drawing...I wouldn't put it past her. 

I think that you aren’t seeing the larger picture here. She has been annoyed and angry for a while. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was. Maybe she is just a toxic person who is constantly irritated over nothing. The point is that the Starbucks cup drawing wasn’t an isolated incident, but part of a broader tendency.

Nobody breaks up just because of anger, least of all anger over such trivial matters. The anger isn’t the cause, it is the result of her general dissatisfaction with the relationship. She’s been thinking of breaking up for a while and those anger outbursts were the symptoms of that.