RonA1236 Posted April 17 Posted April 17 I met someone online in early February. Not on a dating app but on a local FB group. We're both parents in our late 30s. We hit it off quickly. We messaged daily, with warmth, humor, and a growing sense of connection. After about 2 weeks of talking, we started seeing each other in person. In total, we had around 15 dates over the span of a month. We were intimate after a week. Throughout that time, everything felt mutual: she was affectionate, responsive, said she felt good around me. She even told me I made her believe again that a healthy, simple relationship was possible, even tho she was a bit scared. She wanted a serious relationship but wanted us to take our time. Go slow. She listed all the qualities she appreciated in me. emotional intelligence, kindness, attentiveness, and my ability to express affection. We made plans. Everything was going good so far. She told me i was her little dose of dopamine. That she was getting attached. That I gave her a sense of security. Then, all of a sudden, something shifted. Sometimes, her affection levels were lower. I asked if everything was alright. This shifted into a conversation about where we are going. As soon as I told her that I don't consider myself single, nothing intense, just expressing vaguely that I was ready for a real relationship. She looked like she began to emotionally withdraw. At first, I felt that her texts were getting a bit colder. More time between replies, even if before that. I now was the one leading the conversation, asking questions. Within a week, she ended things. Her reason: "my heart’s no longer in it." It felt sudden, cold, and final. From talking all day, every day… to absolutely nothing. No gradual distancing, no conversation to understand it. just gone. A few days after the breakup (gotta add that she broke up by text!), I sent her a message saying I knew I probably shouldn’t have sent this but I asked if she was truly at peace with her decision, or if maybe a part of her had doubts. If she ever wondered “what if I had given us more time?” I admitted I might have triggered her anxiety when I talked about attachment and commitment, and that I wish she had shared her fears instead of shutting down. I told her I believed we could’ve worked through our different attachment styles, that it felt like she was fighting herself more than me. And even though it was short-lived, I still believed in it. I told her, if even a small part of her still believed in the spark we had… to give it a second chance. In a cold reply, she told me that she had made a promise to herself: to listen to her feelings, after years of ignoring them in past relationships. She said she tried to put on blinders but she realized what she “really felt.” That was it. She walked away. What’s the hardest is how warm and invested she seemed before that shift. I still find it hard to believe she truly felt nothing. She once told me someone told her that she was a cold woman and had no feelings. I suspect she may be avoidant in her attachment style, and perhaps the idea of commitment triggered something in her and she ran. She didn't even let it flourish. She nipped it in the bud. Feelings aren't supposed to take time to develop? And they don't disappear overnight? Obviously I'm moving on, but man, being unable to understand this behavior is hard! I think I have an anxious attachment style and she is avoidant. But I'm not sure. Any clues?
Gebidozo Posted April 17 Posted April 17 (edited) I understand that what happened was an unpleasant and painful experience for you, but I have to tell you that you’re looking at those things wrong. True, feelings take time to develop, but sometimes they don’t develop. And when they don’t, when they subside and disappear, it is, indeed, better to listen to your heart and break it off, just as she said. It’s not her fault that she no longer has feelings for you. She surely hasn’t planned it. She didn’t manipulate you. She didn’t lie to you. She said she was feeling good and gave you compliments, she enjoyed the feelings she had for you and your relationship as long as it lasted. Then, when she noticed that her feelings weren’t getting any stronger and were going nowhere, she ended it. This can happen after 2 months, after 1 year, after 5 years, after 35 years. It is what it is. There are no guarantees in life and sometimes even strong love can end, to say nothing of weaker feelings that only took place within the timeframe of 2 months. As hurt as you are now, you have to put it behind you, stop contacting that woman, and move on. Edited April 17 by Gebidozo
ShyViolet Posted April 17 Posted April 17 (edited) You are really overanalyzing this and trying to make excuses for her breaking up with you instead of facing the fact that she simply decided she wasn't that into you and didn't want to continue dating you. You only dated for a couple of months. Those early months of dating are all about getting to know the person on a deeper level so you can decide whether you want to date longer term. And when she got to know you better she decided she didn't see a future with you. Instead of trying to analyze her with pop psychology terms and trying to convince yourself that maybe this relationship could have continued, (it couldn't have. Or she would have chosen to do that), respect her decision and move on. She doesn't have to justify her decision to you, and she doesn't owe you anything. Edited April 17 by ShyViolet 1
flitzanu Posted April 17 Posted April 17 4 hours ago, RonA1236 said: I admitted I might have triggered her anxiety when I talked about attachment and commitment, and that I wish she had shared her fears instead of shutting down. I told her I believed we could’ve worked through our different attachment styles, that it felt like she was fighting herself more than me. that's not "triggering her anxiety" that's flat out telling her that YOU understand her emotions better than she does, and that's a bad look. this is what dating is about, spend a few weeks and try things out, and it wasn't working for her so she ended it. be glad it was quick and not dragged on for a year pretending.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17 Posted April 17 4 hours ago, RonA1236 said: asked if she was truly at peace with her decision 4 hours ago, RonA1236 said: it felt like she was fighting herself more than me. I've been on the receiveing end of such messages - the secod one almost verbatim. I had ended it with a man and he came back with these kinds of messages. I can't tell you how turned off I was at the sheer arrogance. of it. If I wasn't put off by the man in question before, welp, those messages sure confirmed for me that I made the right choice to let hi, go. It is incredibly presumptuous of you to suggest she doesn't know her own mind or that you somehow know her feelings better than she does. I get that you probably didn't mean it that way, but dude, stay in your lane. This just makes you look like you don't respect what she told you and that you think you know her better than she knows herself. It sucks, but you need to let it go. 1 1
Author RonA1236 Posted April 18 Author Posted April 18 Yes I'm letting go. Its just so depressing to know that just last week, she was making plans for us. And everything shifted over such a short time. She told me "I'm starting to get attached. I'm a bit scared, but I have confidence." When I asked her if she felt the same way, she said "Yes, I think so. I'm often confused by my feelings. I either think too much or always ask myself too many questions. I definitely need to learn to let myself go and go with the flow." Thats why I said that... not from sheer arrogance. I just repeated what she told me. Anyways. Thanks.
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