Confused1978 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Who would you chose? There are two men in my life, both have feelings for me, I know them both extremely well. One is my boyfriend (almost 3 years), the other is my ex-flatmate/best friend (we lived together almost 3 years, have been good friends more than 5). One of the guys is nice, quite guy. He is calm, mellow, considerate, loyal and stable. Conversation with him is not incredibly stimulating, however we get along well and we do not fight very much. His bad points are possessiveness, jealousy, low self-estemm and anti-social. I have a group of close friends from my uni day and he does not get along with them at all. The other guy is more exciting. He is fun, confident, good conversationalist, social and stimulating. Conversation with him is exciting and makes me think, however we also tend to argue at times. His bad points are occassional pig-headedness, obnoxious, and never likes to admit he is wrong. He is actually one of my friends from my group, therefore socially it is enjoyable to spend time with him. Both men have similiar jobs and neither is an alcoholic, drug addict, cheater or gambler. Other than their very different personalities, their lifestyles are actually vey similiar. I have lived with both and got along with them both ok in terms of living in the same house. Life with the first would be stable and comfortable. We would have a nice life together, we get along well, but I suppose I would be a little lonely and prehaps bored. Life with the second would be more exciting, I would be more stimulated. We would have a more social life, I would not be lonely and we would have fun. However I know life would be more volatile, and we would agrue from time to time. (The first guy is incapable of arguing, he just shuts up and doesn't say anything!) So what would you do?? Chose the boring but stable life or chose the exciting but volatile life???
Kengne Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Who would you chose? There are two men in my life, both have feelings for me, I know them both extremely well. One is my boyfriend (almost 3 years), the other is my ex-flatmate/best friend (we lived together almost 3 years, have been good friends more than 5). One of the guys is nice, quite guy. He is calm, mellow, considerate, loyal and stable. Conversation with him is not incredibly stimulating, however we get along well and we do not fight very much. His bad points are possessiveness, jealousy, low self-estemm and anti-social. I have a group of close friends from my uni day and he does not get along with them at all. The other guy is more exciting. He is fun, confident, good conversationalist, social and stimulating. Conversation with him is exciting and makes me think, however we also tend to argue at times. His bad points are occassional pig-headedness, obnoxious, and never likes to admit he is wrong. He is actually one of my friends from my group, therefore socially it is enjoyable to spend time with him. Both men have similiar jobs and neither is an alcoholic, drug addict, cheater or gambler. Other than their very different personalities, their lifestyles are actually vey similiar. I have lived with both and got along with them both ok in terms of living in the same house. Life with the first would be stable and comfortable. We would have a nice life together, we get along well, but I suppose I would be a little lonely and prehaps bored. Life with the second would be more exciting, I would be more stimulated. We would have a more social life, I would not be lonely and we would have fun. However I know life would be more volatile, and we would agrue from time to time. (The first guy is incapable of arguing, he just shuts up and doesn't say anything!) So what would you do?? Chose the boring but stable life or chose the exciting but volatile life??? I'm sure there must be more to these two men to consider *like who treats you better, whom do you love, whose the better communicator etc...* when making such an important decision, BUT since you want to make it so simple, so black & white theeeeeeeen: I'd go for guy # 2. Variety is the spice of life. People argue - that's just a part of life. I don't see that as 'volatile'. Like you said it's from time to time right? Not 24/7. So then there really is no problem with guy # 2. But with guy # 1 - BORING? UGH. Terrible. You will lose interest VERY quickly, and when that happens you will either cheat on him - or leave him. Either way, he's going to get hurt. Don't settle for 'safe'. K.
skeptik224 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 It makes only sense that you'd go for guy #2. You don't need another person for stability. Arguing is good...having fun and enjoying life is what matters...
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I'd go for guy # 2. Variety is the spice of life. People argue - that's just a part of life. I don't see that as 'volatile'. Like you said it's from time to time right? Not 24/7. So then there really is no problem with guy # 2. But with guy # 1 - BORING? UGH. Terrible. You will lose interest VERY quickly, and when that happens you will either cheat on him - or leave him. Either way, he's going to get hurt. Don't settle for 'safe'. K. Ah, a classic example of why marriages fail. We focus on what's more exciting to us and ignore the problems that will eventually lead to split. Sure, #2 is more exciting. What happens when the excitedness wears off? You're left with a pig-headed guy who never admits he's wrong and will never change. #1 is actually the best option and let me explain. A good union is one where both compliment and make each other better. #1 can be an exciting guy if she is willing to look past a few warts and invest her time in making him a stronger, more confident man. Going after what is more exciting isn't a trait exclusive to women. Men do it too, often with same disappointing results. Bottom line, when the newness wears off and you get into the daily grind (so to speak) of a marriage, having someone like #1 may seem a bit boring to you, but in the long run, he'll be the one willing to work on improving himself and becoming a better person while #2 is cheating on her. In the end the choice is yours. But if you are not willing to invest in #1, you darn sure won't make headway with #2. Either way, good luck.
skeptik224 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Cali - your point of view makes a TON of sense
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Cali - your point of view makes a TON of sense Thanks. If we listen to our minds instead of our hearts more often then we would make not only wise decisions, but the BEST decisions. My ex loves that excitement and every one of her relationships that were based on that same excitement has failed. The one man willing to work with her and help make her a better person (me) she dumped. She even admitted I would make a great husband, but the excitement was missing. Of course, she never bothered to invest any time in making me a better person. She will fail in every relationship she has because she always makes her decisions based solely on her heart. Her brain is excluded from the decision making process and thus, she is cycles through men like oh so much toliet paper. I'm the kind of guy that can see past the warts. I saw her as a mound of clay and all she needed was a man willing to look past the faults and help her be a better person. She never saw the value it that and this, it's her loss.
justagirliegirl Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 cali is right on the money with this one! The novelty of #2 WILL wear off and it will turn into "he is so annoying as he never listens and always thinks he is right." #1 is the way to go. Someone you can count on and grow old with. I still find it hard to believe you love them both just the same?
Touche Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 When I was younger, number 2's were what I preferred. But the drama got old. I married someone more like number 1...but if you ask me, neither one of them is right for you. Too many negatives with each. I mean my "number 1" is not boring or anti-social. If you hold out and keep your standards high, you can have the good qualities from each - in ONE person. So in my opinion, you haven't really found THE guy for you yet. It's really true that you will know it when it happens...IMO when it does, you'll realize that neither one of these guys is the right guy for you.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 So in my opinion' date=' you haven't really found THE guy for you yet. It's really true that you will know it when it happens...IMO when it does, you'll realize that neither one of these guys is the right guy for you.[/quote'] I agree in that sense. If she really loved #1 then I believe she'd be working a bit harder to communicate with him what she likes and with loving care, what he needs to work on.
Touche Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I agree in that sense. If she really loved #1 then I believe she'd be working a bit harder to communicate with him what she likes and with loving care, what he needs to work on. Yes, but in my experience you really can't change a person's basic nature. And she doesn't really like each of them AS THEY ARE...or she does but they both sound like they have too many negatives. I'd stay friends with them certainly but for a long term serious relationship, I'd wouldn't pick either.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Yes' date=' but in my experience you really can't change a person's basic nature. And she doesn't really like each of them AS THEY ARE...or she does but they both sound like they have too many negatives. [/quote'] True, but I do believe you at least make the effort to make them aware. I'm the kind of person that doesn't always recognize my faults until someone puts it in a loving manner. I am the type of person that once I recognize them, I make a concious effort to improve. We become better people when we work on correcting our faults instead of just focusing on our positives. I agree some people can't change, but those with conviction and discipline can. I'd stay friends with them certainly but for a long term serious relationship, I'd wouldn't pick either. True, at least how she has described the situation.
Touche Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Yes, Cali. You make some good points. Perhaps she should give number 1 a chance but something like being anti-social and not getting along with her friends, etc. sounds pretty deeply ingrained...not easy to change, not impossible but not easy. And what about the possessiveness and the jealousy? Those are tough ones to tackle too. But I certainly see your point. It's just in my personal experience, people almost never change their basic nature. And it sounds like that IS number one's basic nature.
CaliGuy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Yes, Cali. You make some good points. Perhaps she should give number 1 a chance but something like being anti-social and not getting along with her friends, etc. sounds pretty deeply ingrained...not easy to change, not impossible but not easy. And what about the possessiveness and the jealousy? Those are tough ones to tackle too. But I certainly see your point. It's just in my personal experience, people almost never change their basic nature. And it sounds like that IS number one's basic nature. Agreed. All I would ask of her or anyone in this situation is to COMMUNICATE. If she never tells him how could he possibly know? He may say "That's me, take me as I am" he could do nothing or perhaps he would make a concious effort to change. All I do know is that if she doesn't communicate her feelings to him and acts as if everything is fine, that's exactly what he is going to think. Communication, communication, communication. No relationship will work without it.
Becoming Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 It looks to me like you're using your head to evaluate both of these men, so I disagree with Cali. You're weighing both guys' pros and cons. That's makiing a rational decision. I'd have to go with Bachelor #2 because of what you say about #1: His bad points are possessiveness, jealousy, low self-estemm and anti-social. I have a group of close friends from my uni day and he does not get along with them at all. He doesn't talk to you when things are wrong. Bachelor #2 will talk. But he may be arrogant, thinking that only he can be right about everything, which is as annoying as snot. But that's just me. Only you can decide what character traits are most important and should receive the most weight. One thing you could do is look at the worst thing you think about each of them and analyze why this is. Is that likely or unlikely to ever change. For me, how responsive someone is to my wants/needs is major because it tells me if there's hope that anything that really bothers me can change.
CaliGuy Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 He doesn't talk to you when things are wrong. She didn't say that. She said he exhibits those qualities, but most if not all of them can be fixed with a little counseling and TLC. Bachelor #2 will talk. But he may be arrogant, thinking that only he can be right about everything, which is as annoying as snot. And which will drive a stake between them, most likely leading to a not-so-amicable breakup. Men like #2 will not change. Men like #1 can and do change when the communication level his high. She has not mentioned if she discussed the problems with #1 so the communication issues may not be limited to just him. But that's just me. Only you can decide what character traits are most important and should receive the most weight. I'm heavily leaning towards Touche's opinion, they both might just be wrong for her. One thing you could do is look at the worst thing you think about each of them and analyze why this is. Is that likely or unlikely to ever change. For me, how responsive someone is to my wants/needs is major because it tells me if there's hope that anything that really bothers me can change. The only way to find out is to communicate the issues and see which one is willing to compromise and work on their faults. She may find out neither will.
Confused1978 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 If only life was so simple. I (stupidly) believed that this would solve all my answers and give me the magic solution!! Thank you for all the responses, it has definately given me some food for thought! I am going on holidays tommorrow. I hope the 2 week break will give me some more time to think. I know what my heart says, but unfortunately my brain thinks different. What instinct do you trust??
notmakingsense Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I'd say neither! They both kind of sound like they are two close to extremes for you. It is possible to find a man with more balance. For example, someone who might be more introverted in larger social situations, but exciting and funny in a small group of friends, or someone who has interesting opinions and conversation, but it only comes out with you or very close friends, etc. Keep shopping. What's the rush?
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