My [35/F] SIL [39/F] and brother [42/M] may be trying to sabotage my career. What should I do?

[askingquestions]

Hi everyone,

I haven't seen or spoken to my SIL or brother in six years, but my parents see them several times a year.

My SIL married my brother [42/M] in 2016, when I was experiencing mental health issues, most specifically post-traumatic stress disorder. I no longer met the criteria in 2018 and I've been fully functional since - I'm now a registered allied healthcare professional, and undertaking my PhD in psycho-oncology. I've probably only met my SIL 5-6 times.

I have several very complicated medical issues, which have resulted in physical disability, and my mum helps me out quite a bit. To summarise - SLE, endometriosis, myoclonus dystonia, psoriatic arthritis, and in 2021 I had uterine cancer, which is now in remission.

My understanding is that my brother is very resentful of the attention I get from my mum, thinks it is unnecessary, and that I lie about my health problems. My brother sees me as a big burden to my parents as they age, which is true, but there's not much I can do about it. My brother isn't exactly perfect - he recently visited for a school reunion, got so drunk that he didn't get home until 5am, and then my dad had to drive the hire car (and him) to the airport at 7am.

My brother and his wife have had two children, who are now 5 and 2. Since their marriage, they have refused to have anything to do with me. My parents have gently tried to ask why their problem is, but they won't share.

They visit a few times a year from interstate and stay at my parents' house. They sleep in my parents' bedroom because the bed is more comfortable, and use my dad's home office. My dad works from the library while they're here. My parents have to take down photos of me while they're here, so that the grandchildren don't ask questions. They both have very successful careers - my brother is a politician, and my SIL is a taxation accountant.

My parents want me to be included in the family, and to meet my niece and nephew, and have tried to facilitate this, but they are not interested. Some of my extended family also no longer invite me to family events, but invite them.

Now, here is the issue. As part of my PhD, I tried to recruit "consumers" from a consumer cancer organisation, so that people who have lived experience of cancer could contribute to the design of my research. My supervisors specifically asked me to contact an organisation that my SIL volunteers at as a consumer. My SIL had stage 1 cancer in 2017.

My application was rejected. My supervisor investigated because she said they didn't have the right to reject my application because our university funds their organisation. She spoke to the CEO, who apologised and granted me access to consumers (although I have not heard since).

I spoke to my supervisor and the Head of School at my university, and they said that the organisation had received "vexatious content" about me, and the consumer team were concerned by it. My supervisor spoke to the CEO, and they agreed that it seemed malicious rather than based in reality. I pushed for more information on where they had received the information from, but they were closed lipped.

I told my parents, and my mum said she would speak to my SIL about it. She started a conversation with my SIL about her involvement with the organisation this morning at breakfast, but my SIL shut it down.

My parents have said that the evidence is too inconclusive to do anything about, and they can't accuse her of something she may not be guilty of. I am almost convinced that she is responsible. I don't know anyone else associated with the organisation.

I don't know what to do. I feel that if my SIL and brother continue to have access to information about me through my parents, then they will continue to be able to spread gossip. At the same time, I don't want to lose my relationship with my parents.

What should I do?

[ShyViolet]

I'm not sure what you would like your parents to do about this; it sounds like there is nothing they can do.  There's also nothing you can do.  Your SIL is who she is.  You can't control the actions of other people.  It sounds like all you can do is ignore her and keep living your life.