this viscious cycle

[itsover]

...It's happening again.

 

I just finished reading old MSN conversations of my ex and I. It made me realize what a b*tch I have been, how horrible I have been.

I do this every time we break up.

Now I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out.

 

I considered telling him I was a week late and if it's positive, it's his and I won't be having it. I opted not to though b/c I don't want to drag him into this.

 

I thought I was doing good. Went to a hockey game tonight he was there, just had fun with the girl I was with.

Got home, started reading the convos.

Now I'm utterly disgusted with myself, while crying my eyes out feeling sorry for poor me and my broken heart and f*cking loneliness. I know I can be horrible sometimes, but every conversation, I was a bitch..then begging for him not to hate me. I don't blame things for turning out the way they did. It's my own fault....it's my own fault. I'm sitting here crying, because of everything I did. And I could still be with him..we could have worked things out, if I didn't always have to be "stronger" than him and just have SMILED and not been so STUPID.

 

I hate myself write now.

I'm dying to write him an email.

 

Help.

Me.

[cynicalnlove]

why are you blaming yourself.. are you making excuses for you to feel this way? what was said in the conversation? If you truly feel that it was your fault, do write that email. At least you could go to sleep easier in him knowing how you have felt - and end it with amends

[itsover]

I wrote him the email.

He acted like it was not a big deal.

 

Why do I have to love him? I can't even by friends with someone I'm in love with.

Life's not fair.

[LN8840K]

do you like the feeling of guilt, regret, and a broken heart ?

 

I was burned by a stove once, now I don't touch the stove because it did not feel good........ if you don't like the feelings,

why do you keep reading the letters ?