I don't know what to do, I'm overwhelmed

[firstrelationship10]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think this is big part of the problem. 

You've seemingly allowed your world to vanish, so all you have going on is this situationship. A two-hour call every day is exhausting for most. There is no way I'd have time for that, let alone interest in a call that long every day. 

Are you currently working? 

Yes my life is pretty much

Work full time

After work she calls me and gets upset if I tell her I don't feel like it

Then I go to do some exercise

Then eat dinner

Then call until bed time or play games together 

Then see each other in person once a month or when we can

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, it's up to you to make some changes. 

 

[firstrelationship10]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, it's up to you to make some changes. 

 

What do you mean?

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

What do you mean?

Only you can change your life. 

Only you can decide to let go of this chaos. Only you can decide to get your social life back. If you choose not to do that, well, nobody can really help. 

[firstrelationship10]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Only you can change your life. 

Only you can decide to let go of this chaos. Only you can decide to get your social life back. If you choose not to do that, well, nobody can really help. 

I still feel so conflicted

On one hand there's these things I don't like about her

But on The other hand she is always there for me, buys me things , always pays for things etc 

What the hell do I do

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I think it's mostly due to the relationship as we need to call 2 hours everyday and she usually is telling me about her problems and negative things I'm usually too tired to do much else.

Of course. This is not sustainable for anyone. It’s unrealistic that you would spend two hours everyday on a call with someone. It’s also very inappropriate for her to dump her problems on you, if this is what’s happening. 

I know it’s a big decision to end a relationship but I think you may be surprised at the freedom that you feel when you do. You have already experienced this - 

On 4/14/2025 at 1:11 AM, firstrelationship10 said:

She recently went away with her family and we spoke less and talked less I felt better 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

So you have autism and anxiety? 

If that's so, there is a simple step to take. And I say this because it's clear to me that the problem here isn't just HER. The problem is rarely just THE OTHER PERSON. If we have some security and confidence, we can avoid the BAD OTHER PERSON. We can be decisive. We can connect with what we feel and think. You seem riddled with doubt. 

So, in addition to her issues, you have your own issues. These issues will unfortunately pop up even if the other person is calmer 

Simple step. Get to a therapist (has to be one who is really good) and meet with the therapist as you are dating or trying to date. You can't do this on your own yet. You need weekly report and feedback and strategy and systematic monitored trial and error. I'm hoping this idea doesn't shame you. In other words, the questions you are presenting here are PERFECT for a great therapist who can help you reshape some of your thinking and understand your patterns. 

Good luck. 

[Calmandfocused]

I fully agree with expat op. She’s absolutely spot on. 

Your reasons for staying in this “relationship” are unsubstantiated. Everyone has good qualities, even serial killers. That doesn’t mean they’re good dating prospects. 
 

Im not saying your girlfriend is a serial killer (they are much better at regulating their emotions for a start 😊)  but clearly she is wrong for you. From what you write it sounds like excruciating torture! 
 

Admittedly I also have some sympathy for her. Her insecurities sound like they’re going wild - she’s clearly a hot mess at the moment. 

Bottom line: you are wrong for each other and this has become incredibly toxic. You’re hurting each other by continuing. 
 

Never stay with someone out of fear you can’t do any better. Being single is the better option. 
 

Finally there are loads of neurodivergent and socially anxious people. It certainly doesn’t make you undateable. Your fears are unfounded. 

[firstrelationship10]

Thanks everyone 

I woke up today feeling really sad today.

Obviously I'm not perfect and neither is she 

I think about her negativity, emotional disregulation and how I find her draining to be around 

But then I also think about the times she treats me well and does kind things for me, the small kind gestures etc

It's like my mind is playing tricks on me , when she was with me in person there were times I was thinking I wish I was on my own ...which I guess is a huge sign that things are not right

Is it just nostalgia ? Me thinking about the intimacy, good times

We are not talking at the monent due to the recent fight.. this could be the end

It's weird because about a month ago I would be relieved but I think it's because I recently spent 4 days in a row with her in person that it's making me sad

[firstrelationship10]

Am I doing the right thing?

I don't know why I'm feeling so sad 

I can't concentrate on work

I just feel so horrible and guilty ??  I don't know 

[firstrelationship10]

Sorry I'm ranting here

Just struggling to keep it together

I don't really have many people to talk to or seem to care about me and her neediness of me made me feel valued 

[lukkkkadoncic]

Sounds bad

 

Edited April 16 by lukkkkadoncic

[firstrelationship10]

She always says that her ex never put effort into her 

And I'm the same

But staying up till 2am comforting her, walking on egg shells, listening to her negativity I don't think any guy can do this?

But then she says how she would always do the same for me

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

She always says that her ex never put effort into her 

In the future, if possible, avoid dating people who keep complaining about their exes. This is a classic red flag.

 

10 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But then she says how she would always do the same for me

This is also a “classic” control freak / emotional vampire / abuser thing to say. Whenever they want you to do something, they’ll say they’d do the same for you. That makes you feel more guilty for not doing it.

[firstrelationship10]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

In the future, if possible, avoid dating people who keep complaining about their exes. This is a classic red flag.

 

This is also a “classic” control freak / emotional vampire / abuser thing to say. Whenever they want you to do something, they’ll say they’d do the same for you. That makes you feel more guilty for not doing it.

Yes I always think it's easy for her to say that she would always put how she feels aside for me if I need her or I'm upset

But I don't

* dump my problems on to her

* say mostly negative things

* act very sensitive 

* spend hours crying and needing comfort when upset 

So of course she can say that? 

[firstrelationship10]

What do I do?

[BaileyB]

Healthy relationships are generally peaceful and harmonious relationships.

If my partner complained to me that I didn’t put enough effort into him - I would see that as a huge red flag. Emotionally healthy people don’t have this expectation of their partner - they have their own lives, they are able to manage their own emotions, and they come together to give - not just take - from the relationship. 

What you are describing here is a very unbalanced relationship between two partners with different expectations, different skill sets, and different levels of maturity. You are able to self regulate in the way that an emotionally mature person does - you don’t complain and dump your problems on your partner, you don’t spend hours crying and expect your partner to sooth your anxiety and validate your feelings… She is not able to do this - and that is a sure sign that she has some growing to do before she is able to have a successful long term relationship. 

Edited April 16 by BaileyB

[firstrelationship10]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Healthy relationships are generally peaceful and harmonious relationships.

If my partner complained to me that I didn’t put enough effort into him - I would see that as a huge red flag. Emotionally healthy people don’t have this expectation of their partner - they have their own lives, they are able to manage their own emotions, and they come together to give - not just take - from the relationship. 

What you are describing here is a very unbalanced relationship between two partners with different expectations, different skill sets, and different levels of maturity. You are able to self regulate in the way that an emotionally mature person does - you don’t complain and dump your problems on your partner, you don’t spend hours crying and expect your partner to sooth your anxiety and validate your feelings… She is not able to do this - and that is a sure sign that she has some growing to do before she is able to have a successful long term relationship. 

Thanks you're spot on

I'm not perfect myself

But it just makes me sad that she can't seem to see that she has these emotional problems 

I've never directly said that to her but every time I've even hinted or very very subtly said something like that she gets super defensive and calls me things such as gaslighter 

It just sucks she just doesn't seem to get

 

Edited April 16 by firstrelationship10

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I've never directly said that to her but every time I've even hinted or very very subtly said something like that she gets super defensive and calls me things such as gaslighter

It’s not your place to tell her that she has problems that she needs to fix. That’s for her to figure out - and she will do that, when she realizes that she can’t keep a relationship.

When someone is demonstrating this kind of behavior the best response is to end the relationship, not to try and fix the person… As you have experienced, she is not open to that feedback and she does not agree that there is a problem to be fixed. 

That means it is time to walk away and find yourself a better relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But it just makes me sad that she can't seem to see that she has these emotional problems 

 

10 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

It just sucks she just doesn't seem to get

Try not to get stuck on this. Yes, it's frustrating when a person doesn't respond the way we'd hoped. But then? There is nothing we can do about it. 

12 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

What do I do?

You are going to have to decide for yourself. We have shared our thoughts but you have to take the bull by the horns.  

[FredEire]

On 4/14/2025 at 10:17 PM, basil67 said:

Perhaps the difference is cultural?  I'm Australian and I haven't had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend since high school.  Instead, we always just started spending quality time together and making each other a priority and we just knew we were together.   I met my partner in '92 and we've bought and sold houses together and have an adult family, but never had the conversation

To me, your approach is normal

Yeah, in Ireland it's pretty much the same. Similar cultures I guess. Though I personally think it's important to have that conversation because of issues like the ones discussed here.

It's sounds like unfortunately you don't suit eachother. Pretty similar to my dynamic with my ex, I felt constantly on guard and walking on eggshells as to not upset her and it was exhausting, she felt constantly ignored and unwanted because I would withdraw since every time I got closer there was an argument. You're not a healthy match, unfortunately.