Pandabear834 Posted April 13 Posted April 13 I've been (was?) dating this girl for more than a month now. We are both 40, have each 3 kids in shared custody and things were going great. Well. I thought so. She has anxiety issues that are well taken care of. She was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a few years back. The symptoms can lead to anxiety. Anyways, she always told me that she wanted a man that is a powerful presence for her. Not a man with anxiety. I do have anxiety issues, but I'm the kind of person that sometimes wants to get reassured. Her behavior was sometimes hot/cold. Some days I felt she wasn't really into me. Some other days, romantic emojis were raining. Fast forward a few days ago, we had a talk about where we are going. So far so good, almost everything came out positive, except the fact that I sometimes need to be reassured and that bugged her a bit. I saw her the next day, she was not feeling good due to a cold or flu. We hugged a few times but didn't kiss to be sure. Next morning, her texts were cold and dry. I asked her if everything was alright and she told me that I was being too insecure and it was causing her to be anxious. She tries to get over it but its so difficult. She told me that our talk a few days ago made her back up a bit. She's under the impression that she hurts me. She also told that there's a missing click at this level. Then, she told me that she doesn't feel good and that I am giving her anxiety. She doesn't even know if she's the right person for me anymore. I asked if we could work this out. She said "honestly I'm not sure about anything today. I'm sorry" I asked if it was definitive. She replied "I don't know anymore this morning, I'm sorry for leaving you without an answer but I'm not feeling it" I tried to reassure her but she didn't reply. I texted her back later in the evening. Asked her to give me another chance to prove her that I can prevent this anxiety, that I will respect her need for space but I want this relationship to work. She replied : "I didn't like how i felt this week. Honestly I don't know if I can continue. Its messing with my head and I don't like it" Tried to reassure her once again. She replied "I don't feel good at all tonight but I need to listen to myself, how I really feel deep inside me" I replied "Yes, I respect and understand. You gotta take care of yourself. But please, take the time to think about it before making your decision" Left on read for 24h We had something wonderful and I destroyed it due to my insecurities. I sure does seem definitive? Should I try to text her in a few days? Or its over.
basil67 Posted April 13 Posted April 13 You didn't destroy it. She destroyed it by expecting you to have the emotions of a cyborg. Walk away from her with your head held high!
Gebidozo Posted April 13 Posted April 13 One month or even one year of dating is not enough time to qualify as “wonderful”. A relationship needs to pass a basic test of time first before it can be evaluated in any meaningful way. You didn’t destroy anything. She is obviously not really into you, otherwise she wouldn’t be making up lame excuses for breaking up with you. Nobody breaks up because the other person asks for reassurance a few times. She isn’t a good match for you, move on and find someone who doesn’t expect you to behave like a well-oiled machine. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 13 Posted April 13 2 hours ago, Pandabear834 said: We had something wonderful and I destroyed it due to my insecurities. What insecurities did you display, exactly? All I see is that you wanted some reassurance occasionally. That isn't being insecure. It's human and wanting to know if the other person is feeling it or not. I think she just wasn't really feeling it and chose to make it about your "anxiety" rather than being more honest about the lack of connection she was feeling in general. 2 hours ago, Pandabear834 said: Should I try to text her in a few days? No, you've already over-done it a bit since she told you she wasn't feeling it anymore. Leave it be now. I would chalk this up to a mismatch and keep moving. I don't thikn it's going to come back together. And really, I think that's for the best. She's got you thinking this is all your fault when clearly she is dragging a boatload of her own issues into the equation as well. 2
ShyViolet Posted April 13 Posted April 13 4 hours ago, Pandabear834 said: Should I try to text her in a few days? Or its over. No, you should not text her again. She has made her decision and now you should be respecting that. Don't keep chasing after her and bothering her. You only dated a month which is an extremely short time. In that short time she realized that she doesn't feel compatible with you or comfortable with you. That's it, it's over. Listen to what she has said and move on. 2
Alpacalia Posted April 13 Posted April 13 Man, I can tell this is really eating at you, and that sucks. But listen—you didn’t “ruin” a damn thing. Relationships take two, and the way she’s reacting? That’s about her, not just you. Look, needing a little reassurance isn’t some huge weakness—it’s normal, especially when someone’s blowing hot and cold. If she can’t handle that, it’s not just your “insecurities” at play; it’s her own stuff getting in the way. She says she wants a “powerful presence,” but news flash: even the strongest people have moments of doubt. Nobody’s a rock 24/7. Her anxiety’s making her see your needs as a problem, and that’s not on you. She might care about you, but if she bolts the second things get real? She might not be in the right place for a relationship—at least not the kind you deserve. So don’t beat yourself up. You showed up honestly, and that’s all you can do. If she can’t meet you there, that’s her loss. 3
enterthevoid Posted April 13 Posted April 13 (edited) Quote "give me another chance to prove her that I can prevent this anxiety" "take the time to think about it before making your decision" Both of these sentences are really concerning to me. It's not just the words you say, but think about the mindstate you operate from. These sentences come from a place of fear. That you did something wrong. You owe her. She's the judge and you have to repent for your sins. Dating is supposed to be fun; not like a job interview or a court trial. This mindset is also operating from a place of desperation and neediness. And then trying to influence her decision when she clearly said no. I would've replied this: "All good. Hope you feel better. If you're ever up to going out again, let me know. If not, I wish you well ". (And then stop texting her) Edited April 13 by enterthevoid 1
BaileyB Posted April 14 Posted April 14 (edited) On 4/12/2025 at 7:21 PM, Pandabear834 said: We had something wonderful and I destroyed it due to my insecurities. No - she is a highly anxious person who is projecting her anxiety and insecurities on you and that is what ended this relationship. In other words, it’s not you - it’s her. As a human being, you are going to have emotions in much the same way that she has emotions. It’s not fair for her to expect you to comfort and reassure her without providing the same in return. Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet here. She needs to get a handle on her life and her emotions so that she is not relying on her relationship partner to calm her anxiety. Because truthfully - that’s going to kill any relationship she has in the future. Edited April 14 by BaileyB 1
Olivia Pane Posted April 16 Posted April 16 Unfortunately, I don't even know how to respond to this one
FredEire Posted April 17 Posted April 17 I don't think you destroyed anything, it sounds more like she just reached a point of intimacy where she noped out and she's not being fully direct about it. Instead of leaving yourself dangling I'd just let this one go, she's already as much as said it's over.
BreakOnThrough Posted April 17 Posted April 17 This is where it ended "Anyways, she always told me that she wanted a man that is a powerful presence for her. Not a man with anxiety." From that point forward, there would have been nothing you could have done or said that would have changed anything. Just move on, and in the future, play your cards closer to your vest until the other person has earned the trust for you to completely open up to them. 1
FredEire Posted April 17 Posted April 17 24 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said: This is where it ended "Anyways, she always told me that she wanted a man that is a powerful presence for her. Not a man with anxiety." From that point forward, there would have been nothing you could have done or said that would have changed anything. Just move on, and in the future, play your cards closer to your vest until the other person has earned the trust for you to completely open up to them. I find that sometimes people whose lives are somewhat of a mess want to find someone who's a rock they can rely on when times are hard. The problem for them is that someone who fits that description is going to want to date someone who's similarly balanced, not a hot mess who is going to throw their life into chaos. Bottom line OP, she needs to sort her s*** out to find the right man, and you need to manage your anxiety to find the right woman. Usually similar people attract eachother and if you're both controlled by your anxiety it's not going to work most of the time.
enterthevoid Posted April 17 Posted April 17 Two things can be true at the same time. Yes, she isn't a fit for you and is probably projecting her own insecurities on you. But at the same time OP can improve things too. Not being needy or desperate. Not being insistent when the other person says no. This particular situation wasn't meant to be, but I would recommend changing your approach for the future.
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