Autistic or narcissist as well?

[wildburrow]

I've been dating a man for almost a month now. He told me he's autistic with ADHD on the first date. He also told me he's divorced and that he has a child. He complained about his ex having allergies. I also heard about his childhood trauma (not in great detail though). 

I feel like I'm a bit confused. I did a lot of research about autistic people as I wanted to be informed and also to prevent any confusion. I understand that autistic people generally don't see the clues and can be focused on themselves. This is what I fully understand. 

However - firstly, I'm not sure if texting so often is normal. He replies to texts in less than 5 minutes. Secondly, he doesn't ask me any questions. He doesn't know anything about me really. He knows what I do for work, where I work and that's it. I am also not a person who wants to be in the spotlight. I also noticed he contradicts almost everything I say, even though I can back my claim with facts. It feels like he wants to contradict for the sake of contradicting. He also made a 'joke' about some of my things. I'm seriously confused. I don't know what this is. I don't want to label him a narcissist. I did read about the overlap with autism. That is why I am even more confused now. I understand being autistic. What I don't understand are these subtle remarks and feeling like I don't matter. We talk only about him, his day, his work, what he will do in the evening, etc. He never follows up with a question. I sent him a couple of funny videos and jokes, but he didn't even acknowledge them. I was hoping somebody would have some insight. What do you think? 

[basil67]

My adult son has autism.  And what I can tell you is that if you know one person with autism, then you know one person with autism.  Diagnosis or not, people are all individuals and have different behaviours.

Anyway, the answer is simple:  You've not written one nice thing about him and you clearly don't like or respect him, so stop wasting his time and yours and just move on.

Also, you've written nothing to suggest that this man has the evilness of a narcissist.  Best to leave Google psychiatrist to the professionals

 

 

 

Edited April 12 by basil67

[wildburrow]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Anyway, the answer is simple:  You've not written one nice thing about him and you clearly don't like or respect him, so stop wasting his time and yours and just move on.

Also, you've written nothing to suggest that this man has the evilness of a narcissist.  Best to leave Google psychiatrist to the professionals

 

 

 

I did say I don't want to label him a narcissist. I want to be fully informed before I do or claim anything. It's also not true that I don't like or respect him. 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, wildburrow said:

I did say I don't want to label him a narcissist. I want to be fully informed before I do or claim anything. It's also not true that I don't like or respect him. 

If you don't want to label him, why raise the idea?

If you like and respect him, why did you write nothing positive about him?   Seriously.....re-read what you wrote and tell us why you want to keep seeing him

[wildburrow]

Just now, basil67 said:

If you don't want to label him, why raise the idea?

If you like and respect him, why did you write nothing positive about him?   Seriously.....re-read what you wrote and tell us why you want to keep seeing him

Because I don't want to dismiss people too quickly. Why am I on trial here?

Positive things: he was very attentive before. In just a couple of weeks we met several times. I feel like we have similar interests, I like his passion about certain things and we can have good debates. 

I am not raising the idea, I said I'm confused. I don't know what this is because his behaviour changed. I am asking him questions about him all the time. He doesn't. When I say something about my day or what am I doing, he doesn't even comment on it, but instead redirects attention to himself. It wasn't like this just a couple of weeks ago. He really was super considerate, constantly texting me, etc. He still texts the same, but the conversation changed. 

I'm asking for insight, I don't expect anyone to resolve this. After all, this is a forum dedicated to discussing things like these 

[MsJayne]

You'll need a psychiatrist to answer that, or someone who's known him for years, like his ex-wife. He sounds annoying, and annoying people only get more annoying when they start to feel comfortable, so maybe you should cut him loose now before he peaks. 

Edited April 12 by MsJayne
Add on

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, wildburrow said:

Because I don't want to dismiss people too quickly. Why am I on trial here?

Positive things: he was very attentive before. In just a couple of weeks we met several times. I feel like we have similar interests, I like his passion about certain things and we can have good debates. 

I am not raising the idea, I said I'm confused. I don't know what this is because his behaviour changed. I am asking him questions about him all the time. He doesn't. When I say something about my day or what am I doing, he doesn't even comment on it, but instead redirects attention to himself. It wasn't like this just a couple of weeks ago. He really was super considerate, constantly texting me, etc. He still texts the same, but the conversation changed. 

I'm asking for insight, I don't expect anyone to resolve this. After all, this is a forum dedicated to discussing things like these 

You're not on trial.  But as a person who is involved in areas of disability as a worker, parent and friend, I'll say that presenting a person as their diagnosis as you did in the title is....offputting  

With respect to this guy, the only good things you now have to say about him at this point is that you feel like you have similar interests, you like his passion for some things and you can have good debates.  This still isn't enough to sustain a relationship.  If he's this annoying at only four weeks in, you leave.  You're not in love, you don't share a home or family, so just cut your losses and move on

Also, it's really common for people to start out in relationships on their best behaviour, but most last more than two weeks before showing their true selves!   I think my husband is the only guy I've ever been with who was (for better or worse) WYSIWYG  

With regards to diagnosis, I have friends who are diagnosed ASD who don't ask questions about me (I'm quietly avoiding them at present because I'm bored with it)   I also have friends who are not ASD who also don't ask me questions (and I quietly avoid them too).   The diagnosis is not key.  How you feel about their behaviour is key.

 

Edited April 12 by basil67

[wildburrow]

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're not on trial.  But as a person who is involved in areas of disability as a worker, parent and friend, I'll say that presenting a person as their diagnosis as you did in the title is....offputting  

With respect to this guy, the only good things you now have to say about him at this point is that you feel like you have similar interests, you like his passion for some things and you can have good debates.  This still isn't enough to sustain a relationship.  If he's this annoying at only four weeks in, you leave.  You're not in love, you don't share a home or family, so just cut your losses and move on

Also, it's really common for people to start out in relationships on their best behaviour, but most last more than two weeks before showing their true selves!   I think my husband is the only guy I've ever been with who was (for better or worse) WYSIWYG  

With regards to diagnosis, I have friends who are diagnosed ASD who don't ask questions about me (I'm quietly avoiding them at present because I'm bored with it)   I also have friends who are not ASD who also don't ask me questions (and I quietly avoid them too).   The diagnosis is not key.  How you feel about their behaviour is key.

 

Just to be clear - he wasn't officially diagnosed. He said he figured it out himself, which is also possible, I get that. 

Also, I'm not being disrespectful. I did mention that I informed myself about it. However, overlap between ASD and narcissism does exist. This is why I'm confused. Also, I have previously been in a relationship with one. 

You are the one saying that you're bored with your ASD friends. I'm not sure I'm the one who is disrespectful. But, thanks for your advice 

[FredEire]

As @basil67 said, every individual on the spectrum is different.

However a very common feature of it which is what you describe here is struggling a lot with give-and-take in relationships. I'd say a lot of the time people with autism are kind of unintentional narcissists.

While a classic narcissist may only talk about themselves because they're conceited and selfish, someone with autism may be a lovely person and want to form relationships with people, they just find it difficult to express their interest and "pass the ball" so to speak in social situations. So they'd often present similarly, the difference is the intention.

If you're interested in getting to know him better I think you need a lot of patience and understanding that this is just who he is. You could maybe point out some things nicely from time to time because he may well not know it himself and be wondering how to do better in social situations.

That said from what I've heard relationships with people on the spectrum can be pretty tricky and exhausting. I live with a guy with autism and it's challenging at times to say the least. It's ok to not want to take that on as well.

[ShyViolet]

First of all, stop doing "research" about autism and narcissism, etc.  It's not your place to try to diagnose him or label him, nor can we give you some kind of armchair diagnosis of what issues he may have.  Putting these pop psychology labels on him like narcissist isn't helpful.  Just look at his behaviors and respond to the actual behaviors.

If it bothers you a lot that he never asks questions about you, you could try explicitly talking to him about that.  Say "Hey I've noticed that whenever we talk, you talk about yourself a lot but you never ask me about myself or seem to take an interest in anything about me.  It would be good if you could try to do that more."  If you don't want to give up on him so easily, you could try this.  But if nothing changes, then it's time to cut this guy loose.  There are many things about him that you don't like or that bother you, and at only a month of dating there shouldn't already be this many problems and incompatibilities.

[enterthevoid]

He may just be bad at socializing and communicating.  Sometimes people with autism can get consumed in their own interests, and forget to ask about other people's interests or share the conversation.  This does not mean he's a narcissist. 

But you're also not obligated to date him if he's not reciprocating the effort you're putting in, and isn't even trying to get to know you.

Regardless of his diagnosis, it's still wrong of him to not ask you questions.  And it's still wrong of him to talk about himself and not engage with the things you send him.  If he wants to have a dating life, he's going to have to work on this.

If you want to move on, that's totally fine and I wouldn't blame you.  If you do want to date him, I would just be direct with him (people on the spectrum can be bad at cues; so you may just need to be 100% honest) and say "I'd like to get to know you.  But I noticed you rarely asked questions about me or my life.  The purpose of dating is for us both to get to know each other".

[wildburrow]

Well, I was right. It's over. I'm not even angry or sad. It has nothing to do with me. Still, what a shame. 

Thank you all.