Unsure about everything

[YooMartine]

Hi, I honestly don't know if writing here is a good idea, but I'm searching for anything I can at this point. 

I'm soon 21 and my boyfriend 22. We are a long distance couple, but it's not that bad, I'd say around 3 hours of travel to meet, but still-we can't see each other on a daily basis. 

We are 4 years together despite my family thinking that we won't last much because of the long distance. The thing is that we had many, many breaking points. We'd break up and come back, have days when we just don't talk, say harsh things or argue over small things. We'd always manage to come back to each other and have nice moments, but I feel like our communication is just incredibly bad when it comes to arguments. Also, whenever I try to express my feelings, even avoiding the "You" accusations, he still sees it as an attack and we'd argue again. I have been telling him over and over again about what I need to feel loved, that I need words of affirmation, regular reassurance and just affection. He'd say he understands and that he will do his best but it doesn't last long and I'd try to mention it to him again, but he'd say I don't appreciate him at least trying. 

I feel just so empty and I've always looked for any way to help our relationship. What to try, what to do, what to say but I'm just tired. I feel like we're still in the same place. 

I just don't know if we have a chance still if we can't communicate. He's my everything and I believe he also loves me very much but sometimes I feel like he doesn't care enough. 

For additional information that may have some background on us:

- we both have family trauma and still live with our parents, - I have an anxious attachment, he avoidant, - I have depression, he has ADHD. 

Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this. 

[basil67]

Your relationship sounds intolerable.   Is it possible that you've never seen what a loving and respectful relationship looks like?

[YooMartine]

Just now, basil67 said:

Your relationship sounds intolerable.   Is it possible that you've never seen what a loving and respectful relationship looks like?

Possibly, my parents are never loving towards each other. Each time my mother tries to say what my father is doing wrong he swears at her and continues to think he didn't do anything wrong. He can become really abusive towards us and instead of leaving him my mom decides to sit through his bursts of anger to "not make things worse" and asks me to do the same. 

[Calmandfocused]

Sounds like the beginning of the end to me. 
 

Op why are you desperately trying to hold onto something that is clearly not going to work and doesn’t make you happy? To prove your parents wrong? 
 

You’re so young. Don’t waste your youth clinging onto something that will  never be. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship should have ended a while ago. 

This is dysfunctioal and it's not what love really looks like. I think you know what you need to do. 

[ShyViolet]

At 21, you are way too young to stay in a dead, unhappy relationship, especially one that's long distance where you don't even see each other regularly.  It's time to admit that this relationship has run its course and needs to end.  There is so much more to life than this and so many other great people out there.  You are way too young to be wasting your time in this awful relationship.  You can't force something to work that simply isn't.

Whether your family has said it won't last, or whether they want it to last, is completely irrelevant.