Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 My pathetic story is referenced here >> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71927/ Basically, I broke up with her because she was lying to me and had a guy friend who was more significant than that. I believe she was cheating but she denies it wholeheartedly. If you read the beginning of my linked thread, you'll gain a better perspective of what was going on,..anyways the situation now is that she is 3-4 months pregnant now and is miserable according to her. She is certain that she isn't going to marry her fiance (they got engaged probably when she found out she was pregnant). She e-mails me and even called once so far. She regrets everything and called herself an idiot. She said she was acting out of spite and that her wanting to be a mother got the best of her thinking that her "friend" would suffice as a husband/father. She says she will never have passion without me in her life and misses and loves me. She wishes it was my child growing inside her,..etc... How could she love me and sleep with this other guy? I mean she sounds so very convincing about her feelings but I don't know how to really take them. I think she got caught in her own web of deception, manipulation and selfishness and is realizing what she has done and who it is she is living with. She says that she knows that she would be happy with me and would love to get married to me when she gets herself out of this mess. She admits she created it and told me that I should not be her savior, she will straighten it all out but I have to know that it won't be just her anymore,..there are things for me to consider. She would also want to get married and have a child asap with me. IS this too much to deal with? My soul bleeds thinking about what has happened. Could I get past all this? What do you think? Thanks for your opinions.
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Do you still want her in your life? Better yet, do you still want her knowing she dumped you (and yes, she probably cheated), proceded to get engaged and pregnant with another guy? My friend, not only can you do MUCH better than this, you DESERVE much better than this. She made this bed, she can sleep in it. She certainly wasn't thinking about your feelings when she dumped/cheated on you. Now that she realizes she made a mistake in my opinion it's far too late. Besides, why would you want to take on another man's responsibilities? In her case she didn't think things out and is now paying the price. I think it would be foolish of you to swoop in and save her. FWIW, if my ex did the same to me I'd say "Tough luck, kid. You made these decisions, you deal with them. You should have thought about the repercussions of your actions when you cheated on me and then got pregnant." No way, no how would I take her back. My suggestion is for you to go NC and cut her out of your life.
In Sync Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Why would you even consider allowing this woman back into your life. I read your other thread and by the first paragraph I was shocked that you would still be in contact with such a person. She needs help, professional help. And now she's looking for a sap to handle her responsibiities...Of course in her situation she is going to lay it on thick, how else can she manipulate you to lure you back into her messed up life. STAY AWAY FROM THIS ONE!!
Author Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks Caliguy and Insync,...You are right,..the correct thing to do is to let her lay in the bed she made,..She knows how to pull on my heartstrings though and I don't focus on the bad things or deamonize her. The good times continue to resurface in my mind. Fortunately for me, I can't possibly swoop in and save her. She is unsavable now, she has victimized herself once again to the point that my hands are tied. If anything were to come of us,..I would have ample time to decide if that is what I want considering that she isn't due until late spring/early summer. Maybe motherhood will change her for the good. The question will be, could I possibly get past all of it and be able to truely trust/love her and her child?
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks Caliguy and Insync,...You are right,..the correct thing to do is to let her lay in the bed she made,..She knows how to pull on my heartstrings though and I don't focus on the bad things or deamonize her. The good times continue to resurface in my mind. Fortunately for me, I can't possibly swoop in and save her. She is unsavable now, she has victimized herself once again to the point that my hands are tied. If anything were to come of us,..I would have ample time to decide if that is what I want considering that she isn't due until late spring/early summer. Maybe motherhood will change her for the good. The question will be, could I possibly get past all of it and be able to truely trust/love her and her child? It doesn't matter at this point because you need to distance yourself from her immediately. You know what she is doing to you yet you are still contemplating saving her. DON'T DO IT. You will end up miserable once she is all set and happy again and looks for someone else, just like she did last time. You are her crutch and she'll never learn to walk on her own if you continue to save her. You're ENABLING her if you rescue her. Stop it. She made the mistakes, now she has to own up to them. It's not your problem anymore. Read that again! IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. Now, I don't want to sound like a heartless jerk, but remember that she dumped you, most likely in the course of cheating on you. She didn't think about what she was doing, the pain she caused you. Now she is manipulating you back into her life to try and get you to help clean up the mess she made. No offense, but are you insane?!?! You must absolve yourself of her and her mistakes. It's not your job to clean up her messes. You deserve better and the minute you understand that, let it go and move on with your life the sooner you can be with someone oh so much better for you. I hate to sound harsh but if you continue with her it's almost guaranteed to end in your unhappiness. The child is someone else's responsibilities. Since she is having the child the man she cheated on with you is going to be around for at least the next 18 years. Do you really want to deal with that? I sure as heck wouldn't.
bendit Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 She is a master manipulator and you are playing into her hands by maintaining contact. She played you once. It blew up in her face and she is hoping to play you again. And it is ALMOST working because you are here discussing it, worried about it. The only way you can protect yourself is to CLOSE THE DOOR forever and don't look back. It will be tough to finally let go but you are very very vulnerable. You are the fixer helper type and you think you can help her out and save her. And that's why your heartstrings are tug-gable and SHE COUNTS ON THAT. You are still dealing with this because you are in contact with this dangerous threat to your lifestyle and happiness. She is toxic and you must find a way to detach from her. I know you think no contact is cruel and she needs you but that's FAULTY thinking. She is a user. NO CONTACT. DO it. NOW. regards Thanks Caliguy and Insync,...You are right,..the correct thing to do is to let her lay in the bed she made,..She knows how to pull on my heartstrings though and I don't focus on the bad things or deamonize her. The good times continue to resurface in my mind. Fortunately for me, I can't possibly swoop in and save her. She is unsavable now, she has victimized herself once again to the point that my hands are tied. If anything were to come of us,..I would have ample time to decide if that is what I want considering that she isn't due until late spring/early summer. Maybe motherhood will change her for the good. The question will be, could I possibly get past all of it and be able to truely trust/love her and her child?
Author Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 I know, Caliguy,..I have thought of that too. He probably would always be a backup plan if I didn't do what she wanted all the time. He'll be in her life forever and mine too. That does suck. Thanks Caliguy,...she sure didn't think about how much she loved me or care about my feelings when she was letting this guy have his way with her,...did she? That is the harsh reality I am left to deal with. I sure couldn't have done that to her. I cared too much.
Author Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Bendit,..thanks for your input. She is a manipulator, that is for sure. Does anyone think motherhood could change her for the better? I'm not going to do anything so don't worry guys,..Quite frankly, there is nothing I can do if I wanted to. It will be months before she has her child/ if she actually does (She's 32 and this is her first pregnancy. I wish the best for her of course). I would wait for things to settle down between them before even considering anything with her. I am just thinking about the possible outcomes in the future. This may all be a mute point because I may not even be single then. You never know.
bendit Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Cleveland Fan. Let me be frank. I believe you are addicted to her. Or addicted to the thought of saving her. I believe you so want to be with her and you are angling for ANY ray of light we might offer. You should be forgetting about this toxic person. No a baby won't change her. A baby will make it worse. You are unhealthily attached to this woman and standing on very very dangerous ground. Its OBVIOUS to all of us who replied. You don't see it. You see some faultless vision of this person that she created and your co-dependency is in charge. I would get to work on your co-dependency right away. I would try to figure out why you are attracted to such a damaged person. I would examine why you aren't out there looking for something better for yourself. In short I would put the focus on you. Because you will need to address ALL OF THOSE things or you will find yourself with another ultra-troubled person who needs you to rescue them. regards
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I recommend listening to the song "Scars" by Papa Roach. That's exactly what you have to do in this situation. Read the lyrics carefully. "I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life...." "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is I cared too much, and our scars remind me the past is real, I tear my heart open, just to feel."
Author Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 yeah Bendit,..that makes a lot of sense. I think a lot of my attachment could be ego centered,..I mean she quickly proved that she was still desireable by getting into a relationship soo fast and then I felt like,..hey,..did I lose something? Then I used NC and that seemed to backfire because now she is prego and maybe we could've avoided that had we talked. I dunno, but you are right, I need to understand why I am still attracted to such a (as you put it) toxic person.
Author Clevelandfan Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 great song Caliguy,..I can empathize.
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 great song Caliguy,..I can empathize. So you know what you have to do, right? Walk away, head held high. You tried to make it work, she gave up. Now in the midst of her failure, she looks to you to try and fix the mess she made. Nuh uh. No way. No how you should ever go back. Please, you need to look after yourself. She didn't care enough about you to work on the relationship. She was selfish and cared only about her own needs and in coming back to you, she is doing the same thing, looking after herself. She hasn't changed, probably never will. You deserve better, man. Come on.
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