Feeling so lost - dumped for being too busy [UPDATE we tried again, but it's over for good]

April 9

Hi everyone, I am feeling so lost and really need some guidance.

My gf and I have been dating for 9 months (I’m also female). We live a few hours apart, and I have a very busy career (I’m a lawyer and professor) and children from another relationship. So it has been tough for me to find the time to see much of her, especially the last 2-3 months. I spend a lot of time at work and with my kids and of course my ex is present then as well. My kids don’t know I am gay so that is a whole other complication, so my gf and I are not yet “out” to my family as a couple. Her life is much the opposite - she lives alone, is mostly out, has very little contact with her family and few friends. She also has a very 9-5 job and works from home, so has every night and weekend free. This has led to strife because I am not present enough in the relationship for her and she feels lonely.

She has continually told me she wants to spend more time together, and that I am the best thing to ever happen to her. I know she misses me a lot when we’re apart and I believe she loves me (she says it a lot). I think she wants a future together although she holds a lot inside (although she did tell me once when she changed apartments that she wished we were moving in together). She also pays attention to all the little things - for example she will notice that I haven’t called for three days and we’ve only been texting, whereas I’m so busy that I won’t even notice and am just not keeping track of those kinds of things.

Another important thing - she has a history of depression and anxiety (hence the minimal social life). She says I am the only one that has given her any life at all, and she sometimes talks about how she doesn’t belong, isn’t worthy of me, doesn’t know why I’m even with her “sad ass” etc etc. I’m a very positive person and always just try to cheer her up.

Fast forward to this past weekend, I was away with my son and she was back home alone (as she always emphasizes to me), very withdrawn and sad. I had cancelled a date with her last week because I had the flu, and we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks before that because she was down with a very bad flu and fever. It was disappointing of course, but I understood it was just circumstances. Turns out she was very upset I had stayed away when she was sick and claimed she would have looked after me if the roles were reversed.

She became so withdrawn and I kept trying to pull her out of her shell and get her to talk to me, and finally she snapped and said if I couldn’t take her sadness that I could just “disengage” and do my own thing and leave her alone. The argument escalated and she accused me of not being in the relationship, that I was just “talk talk talk” with all my “I love yous” and “I miss yous” and she got so incredibly angry. She wouldn’t pick up my calls and said it was unreal I hadn’t thought to already call her earlier in the weekend, why did I just wait for a problem to call her. And worst of all, anytime I tried to say this is all a mistake and I loved her, she just kept shutting me down and accusing me of being manipulative. Literally she must have said it to me 20x, and just deflected everything I tried to say with that singular response over and over.

I begged to call her or see her but she has shut me down. I’m leaving for a vacation for two weeks (what terrible timing) and she says we will take a break and talk when I’m back (btw, I did invite her and she wouldn’t go for financial reasons). In the meantime, she won’t even take a call with me this week. She has completely frozen me out.

I texted her Monday and said I was so very sorry and I acknowledged she deserved more than I have been giving, promised change and said I loved her dearly. She replied that we will talk when I’m back, she is too upset and confused to reply now (but did say she’s not confused about her feelings for me - the one positive).

I am crushed. I really do love her and perhaps I have been neglectful, but I just have such a full life and so many obligations and she really has nothing except me. So it’s just so imbalanced, and she takes my busy schedule so personally. And I know she is also stressed with work and her finances so she has other anxiety causing factors right now as well. But I’m going crazy not speaking to her.

I haven’t reached out since Monday as I know I need to respect her request for space. But I can’t imagine not speaking for two more weeks (!?). And part of me thinks I just need to try harder to reach out and prove my love because that is where this whole problem started. But then I fear I will drive her further away because she’s very fragile.

Any suggestions would be so helpful! I’m just a mess and can’t even think straight. I feel like a heel for neglecting her and not really seeing this coming, but at the same time I’m just working so hard most of the time and wish she could be understanding. But mostly I want to navigate these next days and weeks properly and not push her over the edge and lose her for good.

Thank you in advance!

Edited May 21 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 9

i know this isn't directly an opinion on advice or actions for you to take,

but,

if this is the behavior right now, when you don't live near each other (or live together), how dramatic do you think she's going to be about issues if you DO live together?

i understand she wants more time with you, i'm personally in a "battle of logistics" with my own gf (but only 30 minutes apart) and sometimes life is life, we get busy, people have kids and responsibilities.

if you did move in together, is this the tethering behavior she's going to have, like, going passive aggressive about how you "don't love her" just because you want to spend time with your kids, or have to be busy with work?

i'd tread carefully, and i'll tell you, no amount of you trying to convince another person how much you love them is going to work. that's just ego games at this point for you trying to call and prove how much you care and blah blah. but on the other hand, i guarantee she will flip out if you stop texting and calling and accuse you of not caring....so this is not a winning, rational "fight" that you're in right now.

April 9

5 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

This has led to strife because I am not present enough in the relationship for her and she feels lonely. She has continually told me she wants to spend more time together,

This quote tells me you already knew that the relationship wasn't meeting her needs, so I don't understand why you're shocked that she ended it. She did the right thing by communicating her needs, but nothing changed and she walked. Did you think she'd just hang around forever as a secret on the side.... not being part of a your life and family?

If you want a chance at saving this you're going to have to come out to your family and include her. Bring her on your holiday. Cut back your work hours. But even then, she may well say it's too late and she's over it.

April 9

Sounds like your schedule is full and hers largely empty. No way this was going to work.

No way. No how. You've just been in denial.

April 9

She isn't happy being in a relationship with someone who is super busy all the time and barely has any time to see her. You are not able to give her the kind of relationship she wants. This will never work. If you face that reality sooner rather than later, you will save yourself a lot of drama and anguish. It sounds like it would be hard for you to let her go, but that is the direction this is headed in whether you are ready to admit that or not.

April 10

This is exactly why, when my kids were young, I really, really, really tried to not date people who weren't also parents. They just can't possibly understand unless they've lived it--and that isn't a criticism of them. It's just a fact.

April 10

You two are really not a match.

I don't see how this could have ever worked. I'm sorry, OP, but I think you two need to face reality, which is that you aren't suited to each other.

April 22

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

April 22

1 hour ago, Jesper said:

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

Yes! This!

April 22

The root problem isn’t just your busy schedule—it’s that your girlfriend’s entire emotional world seems to revolve around you. That’s unsustainable for both of you.

You can’t be her only source of happiness—that’s a pressure no relationship can withstand long-term.

Love alone isn’t enough when lifestyles and emotional capacities are misaligned. This break might clarify whether you can both adapt to meet each other’s needs—or whether loving each other means letting go.

Hang in there. The pain of this silence is brutal, but it’s also an opportunity for clarity. Sending you strength.

Edited April 22 by Alpacalia

April 22

On 4/9/2025 at 11:56 AM, CareerGirl2 said:

We live a few hours apart, and I have a very busy career (I’m a lawyer and professor) and children from another relationship. So it has been tough for me to find the time to see much of her, especially the last 2-3 months. I spend a lot of time at work and with my kids and of course my ex is present then as well. My kids don’t know I am gay

I'm sorry but--what made you think you'd be able to meet the relationship needs of anyone else rn? A lawyer, also teaching, with children to care for, and unwilling or unable to share your sexual orientation with your family.

Frankly relationships needs time and energy to grow. You don't have any. Why are you trying to take on new commitments?

April 22

49 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

I'm sorry but--what made you think you'd be able to meet the relationship needs of anyone else rn? A lawyer, also teaching, with children to care for, and unwilling or unable to share your sexual orientation with your family.

Frankly relationships needs time and energy to grow. You don't have any. Why are you trying to take on new commitments?

Decent point, but I do think it's possible to find a lid for that busy pot too :).

April 22

22 hours ago, Jesper said:

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

I agree. Not being ready to come out certainly brings it's burden of issues which they still need to work through, and isn't conducive to a solid relationship. For the person who's confident in their sexuality, being excluded from family would be like dating baby lesbian

April 22

Just now, basil67 said:

I agree. Not being ready to come out certainly brings it's burden of issues which they still need to work through, and isn't conducive to a solid relationship. For the person who's confident in their sexuality, being excluded from family would be like dating baby lesbian

Maybe OP isn't quite sure about her sexuality, which of course is a whole 'nother issue.

April 23

3 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I do think it's possible to find a lid for that busy pot too :).

it would be helpful if OP returned and outline approximately how much time they have spent together in person over the last nine months. Her post mostly described a bunch of texting.

On 4/9/2025 at 11:56 AM, CareerGirl2 said:

he became so withdrawn and I kept trying to pull her out of her shell and get her to talk to me, and finally she snapped and said if I couldn’t take her sadness that I could just “disengage” and do my own thing and leave her alone. The argument escalated and she accused me of not being in the relationship, that I was just “talk talk talk” with all my “I love yous” and “I miss yous” and she got so incredibly angry. She wouldn’t pick up my calls and said it was unreal I hadn’t thought to already call her earlier in the weekend, why did I just wait for a problem to call her. And worst of all, anytime I tried to say this is all a mistake and I loved her, she just kept shutting me down and accusing me of being manipulative. Literally she must have said it to me 20x, and just deflected everything I tried to say with that singular response over and over.

OP this is odd to me. Why were you trying to have this convo over text in the first place? it reads like it wasn't truly a relationship, more that you enjoyed having someone outside your world you can text and fantasize about, maybe because you're under a lot of pressure all the time. This almost sounds like one of the relationships I had over myspace a long time ago lol, it was an escape and a fantasy, someone I could share "the real me" with, because I didn't feel I could really be myself in my daily life.

May 21

This is an update to an earlier post. My gf and I have been dating for 9 months (I’m also a woman), I have a super busy life and she does not, and we live a couple of hours apart. She has anxiety and depression and is co-dependent so we have had a lot of conflicts about how I don’t spend enough time with her and she needs more. Last month she iced me out for days and wouldn’t speak, she was so upset because I had been away. I gave her space and she did come around. I offered to put myself on “probation”. I said give me two months, we’ll spend more “ordinary time” together, not just 1-2 date nights a week. The idea was to provide for a more 3D relationship where I was more present, even if I was busy working. So I went to her place and worked from there remotely, I would commute from her place to the office etc. And honestly, it went really well for the first couple of weeks. We ate lunch together and had more time in the evening because I was already there when work wrapped up. We even did a day trip one day together. She seemed very happy and loving and everything was great. And then…

The long weekend came and (i) I left a day earlier than planned to buy a bike; and (ii) I didn’t make plans with her for the whole weekend. It wasn’t like I was abiding it, I just thought I’d go home and hang with my kids for a bit. She has had an absolute meltdown. The whole weekend was high jacked by all these emotional upsets. We’d talk for an hour and I’d think it was settled down, and all of a sudden I’d get another angry text. She brought up a break up, and kind of dismissed it. Then became extremely withdrawn and quiet. So after 2 days of all of this nonsense, I brought up the fact that maybe we should take a break. She immediately freaked out. I regretted saying it right away and tried to walk it back, but it was impossible. She wouldn’t take my calls, told me it was over for good, said she hated me, swore at me, and even dropped off my car at a time when she knew I wasn’t home (so hurtful - wouldn’t even return my texts and just left the keys). It was so dramatic and such a quick turn from happiness to hate, I am just reeling. Especially since we just had this great couple of weeks.

One more key to the story - I am separated and have kids with my ex who I also still live with for one more year until the kids leave for school. She knew this since well before we got together as we were friends before. She dropped me off at home and met one of my sons and my ex for the first time last week. In all of this fighting, it has come out that she is so uncomfortable with my “home” situation. And this has been some kind of trigger. I know it’s not ideal, but also Im separated and she knew this all beforehand, nothing has changed.

Anyways, I’ve been so turned around, I barely know what I even want anymore. I love her and our good times are so good. And I’ve found myself fighting so hard to get her back, practically begging for another chance to get it back on track. But she is just spewing vitriol, she calls me names and says everything I have said is just to manipulate her and I will never change my living conditions and I never loved her. None of this makes sense to me, we were in such a good place and it’s like multiple personality disorder or something.

She’s also attacking me all the time snd telling me I am to blame for everything. But I feel like I’ve worked so hard to find solutions and I’ve been honest, loyal, loving, so it hurts so much that she’d behave this way. Everything I have done with good intentions, but she doesn’t trust a word I say. What should I do?
I’m guessing I know what the advice is here… but I’d really love to hear it anyways because I’m really not thinking clearly after the very harsh way she’s treated me these last few days

May 21

I would lay money that of all the people labelled co-dependent, I would wager that a great deal of them are in relationships which simply don't meet their needs. Your ex clearly values spending time face to face, but here you are just 2 (or 3?) weeks into a two month 'probation' of showing you can be there for her, and then you go and spend a weekend without seeing her at all. Not even a casual lunch with the kids.

Of course she's got issues with your home situation! You're still living with your ex and treating her as an affair partner - a dirty secret who needs to be kept away from view. I understand that she's got a quiet life and you were her #1, but this doesn't make her co-dependent.

If you want her trust, stop treating her as a secret. Introduce her to your family, even if it's just as a 'mummy's friend". You and your husband are separated, so he has no claim on your romantic life now. But if you are unwilling to integrate her into your life, just let her go.

May 21

53 minutes ago, CareerGirl2 said:

it has come out that she is so uncomfortable with my “home” situation.

Well, no wonder.

Not too many people are going to want to date you when you arel living with your ex. Yes, she knew about the beforehand but you can't be surprised thay she is in fact unhappy that you have not found an alternate living arranegment.

I am not saying she is blameless here, as she sounds emotionally exhausting and very reactive. However, the take-away is: a) You two don't work as a couple, and B) You need to live separately from your ex.

May 21

Thanks to you both. I guess I am in the wrong after all. I was dumb for not picking up on this being the issue, it was always phrased as being about time spent. And I never really thought about my living arrangements as the problem because she knew all about them and they’re just temporary, so I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I wish she had communicated with me earlier Or even now that I know, just give me a chance. I did ask her if she wanted to move in together this summer, and she rejected it. So it’s not like I didn’t offer the changes I thought she wanted.

Anyways, I guess it’s over. I screwed it up royally.

(Also on the co-dependent thing, those aren’t my words, they’re hers. She has seen a psychiatrist and does have real issues, although I don’t know if that’s an official diagnosis).

May 21

40 minutes ago, CareerGirl2 said:

I wish she had communicated with me earlier

She did communicate it to you. She said, and I quote, "[you are] not present enough in the relationship for her and she feels lonely. She has continually told me she wants to spend more time together" You just didn't listen. Or you didn't think she was serious and chose to ignore her needs.

And yes, she may have thought she could accept being your long term secret, but the reality was different. Living with your estranged husband for a month until he can move out is temporary. But a 17 months, or whatever it was going to be, in the shadows is like a lifetime. Completely unrealistic.

That said, she found the strength to end a relationship which wasn't working for her, so she certainly has boundaries and knows when to finally put them in place

Edited May 21 by basil67

May 21

Thanks Basil67. Seeing you write that… I’m so ashamed. I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. I thought she would wait, that her concerns weren’t that serious, that she “loved me enough” to put up with it. But I wasn’t listening. It really feels over this time.

May 21

1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

I did ask her if she wanted to move in together this summer, and she rejected it

She was smart to reject it.

Kindly, you are not thinking about this very rationally or realistically. Do you really feel that it would be wise to go from living with your ex-husband directly to living with a partner? Especially one with whom there have been so many problems?

I would urge you to really start separating yourself from your ex-husband. You two need to not be living together anymore anyway. Then take some time on your own to process it all. Then start dating again. You went about this one all backwards, and both you and your ex-girlfriend should have been smarter about that. If you cannot afford to live on your own right now and need to stay under the same roof as your ex-husband, then you need to be realistic that you won't be able to have a real relationship with anyone else. Nobody is going to be okay with that for very long, if at all.

May 21

4 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

Thanks Basil67. Seeing you write that… I’m so ashamed. I wish I could go back in time and redo it all. I thought she would wait, that her concerns weren’t that serious, that she “loved me enough” to put up with it. But I wasn’t listening. It really feels over this time.

CareerGirl2, you were not compatible. It's really that simple. It's true that you both messed up in significant ways and both have a lot to learn. But even if you had handled things perfectly, it ultimately would not have worked. Ending the relationship was the best outcome for you both even if doesn't feel that way right now. I actually feel relieved for you. I could not see how someone with as many responsibilities as you had was going to be able to succeed in a relationship with someone who clearly wanted more than you could realistically give. And that was before I knew you were still living with your ex.

May 21

Thank you for saying that Acacia98. I feel enormous guilt now that I see it all, and your perspective has helped me feel a bit better. All of the earlier comments about how our lives did not match up really did resonate with me and I thought about them many times. But I was hopeful still.

I hope I will feel the relief you mentioned, maybe after I get past some of the initial pain of what has happened.

May 21

You have serious issues and your partner has serious issues. I think both of you need to grow in order to have a health relationship.

I'll be blunt: she should have dumped you by now. Instead, she keeps trying to manipulate your behavior through criticizing you and trying to make you feel guilty and inadequate. You apparently can't see through her insecurity and immaturity is a major problem. Forget that you aren't spending the time she wants. You are giving her a pass on all he manipulation--maybe you give her a pass because of a history of depression and anxiety. Sorry: passes don't work in mature relationships. They don't.

In relationships, you have to ruthlessly evaluate the person as they are, as they behave, right now. No excuses. Yes, everyone has weaknesses--so we want to date people who are aware of their weaknesses and seek to minimize them. And we want to date people whose strengths OVERWHELMINGLY outweigh--at an intellectual and visceral-emotional level--their weaknesses.

If she were my friend, I would have told her to stay clear of you because you are still in the closet and because you are still living with your ex. Two red flags to me. The fact that she would date someone who is still living with their ex AND who is in the closet--that says she has low esteem and low standards and lots of insecurities. And btw: I'm not saying you are a "bad" person. I'm just saying you have patterns that will make it hard to have a good relationship.

You both are at fault, but I hesitate to say "fault." Because there is no rule that says this relationship SHOULD work.

You need to work on yourself and she needs to work on herself. I see no evidence that you can solve this by staying together.

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