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Feeling so lost - dumped for being too busy [UPDATE we tried again, but it's over for good]


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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

My time used to be spent 5 days at my condo and 2 at the house, but it's been closer to the opposite the last couple of years as I can work remotely now from anywhere. 

So, you are essentially living with your ex-husband, if you're there around 5 days a week. 

1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

There is peace in the house, everyone gets along, my ex-H and I are really good friends, we all spend birthdays, holidays etc. together. That has been great for the boys, but I think can be very threatening to a potential new partner.

I don't think any of the bolded is necessarily threatening (though it would depend on the person in question) but  more or less living under the same roof as your ex-H is where most people are going to draw the line with this. You are free to do whatever works for you and your family, of course, but there's no getting around the fact that this living arrangement will absolutely interfere with your ability to have a healthy, thriving relationship with anyone else. 

The break-down of this relationship is not all on you, to be clear. Your ex-girlfriend sounds emotionally unglued and you two are very different people. It is unlikely to have worked out anyway. But I would be mindful moving forward that if you would like to date again, you are going to need to rethink the living situation with your ex-husband first. 

 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 2
Posted
4 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

This is segwaying into something entirely different than I was originally asking about, but I can tell you I have questioned whether this has been the best approach b/c of the sorts of chaos it has caused with my gf etc. Sometimes I envied friends who just made the hard clean break and their kids all seemed to adapt fine. But my boys are so happy and healthy and something in my gut has always said that is the most important thing and not to upset the apple cart. So thanks for all that extra perspective...

Your gut has been right. Your boys have retained the luxury of a stable home base from which they can socialize, study, go to work, according to their own priorities without needing to curb and customize these important aspects of their lives around a forced visitation schedule.

You're right to recognize that had GF been a more stable personality, she could have stepped up to voice her concerns as something the two of you could have negotiated and either resolved together or not. Coming unhinged is not a valid way for anyone to get their needs met. In a way, this was advantageous for you to witness, because exposing your boys to such a thing would be unthinkable.

So while you may have been blinded by romance and rose colored glasses for a time, your gut was your driver, and it produced the results you needed rather than wanted.

Quote

...the pain of this whole week has started to subside now and I’m more and more confident in my choices. I can confidently say that this “end” with my gf will indeed stay the end, for many valid reasons. And I’m going to be okay with it, and yes now even a bit relieved :)

Great to hear this. As your boys mature and can drive to visit you voluntarily, your family home will be less of a hub that must include you. By that time you may opt for a home with another room or two that makes them feel welcomed and comfortable to stay for as long as they wish.

Head high, you've got this!

  • Like 1
Posted

It's bizarre to me that your OP is about how you are so so so busy, because you are a lawyer and a professor, and your gf can't understand. Much later you introduce that you are married and live with your husband.

I'm baffled as to why you are trying to juggle so much. The math doesn't add up. How many hours a week do you lawyer? How many classes do you teach, and how much of your time does that take up? How much time every week do you spend with your children?

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Posted
7 hours ago, IrinaM said:

How many classes do you teach, and how much of your time does that take up? How much time every week do you spend with your children?

Being a lawyer is my principal occupation and it takes up an enormous amount of time as you can imagine. I teach one night per week (one class per semester) as an adjunct professor. It doesn’t pay much and honestly can be a pain with my schedule, but I really love it. Working with young students who are so enthusiastic and eager, it’s contagious. Also I like to keep my foot in that door as I would like to do it in “retirement” when I finish with the law firm. 

So weekends are mainly when I see my kids as that is my downtime. I think I said elsewhere I would normally do a couple of days with my gf, a couple of days at my condo and the weekend nights at the family home. Part of my gf’s upset was about weekends. Although that was recent and so I started actively making weekend plans with her, but we never got that far. I think it’s just as well.

By most people’s standards, I am far too busy. And I’m seeing that I was never going to meet her needs without giving up a lot of other things that are also very important to me. It would have probably pushed me right over the edge eventually. 

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Posted
16 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Coming unhinged is not a valid way for anyone to get their needs met. In a way, this was advantageous for you to witness, because exposing your boys to such a thing would be unthinkable.

So while you may have been blinded by romance and rose colored glasses for a time, your gut was your driver, and it produced the results you needed rather than wanted.

This is exactly it, and what a great turn of phrase. I sure did get swept up with her, because as you say, there was a very charming side. She was so effusive with love, it could be intoxicating. I’ve talked to my therapist and started to do some reading on personality disorders. Of course no one can diagnose her with anything. But she checks every single box for BPD. And the “on/off” switch you mentioned, great adoration followed by complete discard, with no acknowledgement or even vague apology, there’s something there too.

So yes, thank god for my gut which was alert to the fact that her behaviours were somehow just not quite right. And of course became more unglued as time went on. So while I dreamed of introducing her to my boys as my partner in the future, there was always that little voice in the back of my head that said “just wait and see a bit longer”. I’m so glad I listened to it!!

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Posted
17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The break-down of this relationship is not all on you, to be clear. Your ex-girlfriend sounds emotionally unglued and you two are very different people. It is unlikely to have worked out anyway. But I would be mindful moving forward that if you would like to date again, you are going to need to rethink the living situation with your ex-husband first. 

Thank you ExpatInItaly, it’s very good insight and must indeed be resolved before I would ever date again. The irony of this situation is that I wasn’t looking for anyone and she came to me, and I thought we could muster through the next year or so together. But I shouldn’t have let it start, I should’ve just said no at the outset. My mistake for sure, and it definitely won’t happen again. Thanks for taking the time and all your feedback.

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