Feeling so lost - dumped for being too busy [UPDATE we tried again, but it's over for good]

May 21

Hi Lotsgoingon, thank you for being blunt. I hear you and can't deny the problems I have brought to the relationship.

As to your viewpoint on her, your comment for some reason made me feel so much better, like something finally clicked and things made more sense. I am starting to see that she was indeed very manipulative all along and has been a real bully, calling me all kinds of names and swearing aggressively at me, lots of verbal abuse (ironically, she has accused me of being a bully and manipulative to her! Which couldn't be farther from the truth). The result is that I wind up on my heels backing up and defending myself and begging for a chance to explain and clarify things (which she avoids by not picking up the phone and relegating me to texting). I am put into this position of weakness and find myself trying to argue that the sky isn't purple if you know what I mean, her accusations are all so outlandish. Then I tell myself that maybe she is a litle bit right or maybe I'm just not getting it, and I just need to give her latitude because of her anxiety etc. That things will be fine when it all calms down.

But you know I just realized, she never really apologizes. And last week she heard me give a speech where I made a joke about how my mother used to call me by my full name Jennifer whenever I was in trouble and it terrfied me. And guess what she has started inserting in her texts this week?! Such an obvious attempt to manipulate my emotions. I'm not looking for excuses for my behaviour here, so please tell me off bluntly if I am way off the mark, but I think maybe I have been played with all of her never ending requirements and guilt trips. And now she's just enjoying trying to twist the knife.

May 21

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also confused. You're a lawyer and say you're separated, but you still live with your husband, whom you have not divorced. Is this a legal definition of separation?

How old are your children, and do they know that you and their father currently consider yourselves to be separated?

I don't raise these questions in a snide way, I just don't understand how you could have believed that you can realistically satisfy any definition of a healthy romantic partnership in secrecy with someone two hours away who can't visit you at home, and whom you can't visit for any length of time without lying to your children, and possibly your husband.

Does your husband know that you are separated while still living with him? Does he know about your lover? How does he handle the incongruences with your children? Does he lie for you, or do you lie to him, so he doesn't know?

Add to this, you've chosen a lover whose issues have prompted her to live in solitude without a healthy social life, and it hasn't occurred to you that she might lean way too heavily on you for her emotional well-being? You've already seen her rage at you and become emotionally abusive toward you at the start of this thread, so I don't understand why you claim to be surprised that leaving her place a day early would set her off again, or that exposure to your not-so-temporary living situation with your husband would put her over the edge. This has not been temporary for her.

This isn't about blaming you, and this is not a contest of 'who is wrong,' which isn't productive. You are clearly not positioned to keep a self-respecting lover happy with your mental, rather than physical, compartmentalization of your family, which keeps your lover a secret. This particular lover does not have the emotional capacity to handle all of the stressors that come with your package, but I don't know that a healthier lover would have tolerated any of this in the first place.

My heart goes out to you, and I think it's time to back up and get realistic about your current life stage and how to manage it more practically. Please write more if it helps.

May 22

Thank you Sanch62 for your kind words and thoughtful response. My ex and I have a legal separation agreement, I pay alimony and we have filed separation papers with the tax authorities. We are friends and co-parents but have zero romantic connection. He knows that I am gay and that I have relationships with women. He has met them all. We have not told the kids… I wanted to, but he was insistent that we not tell them yet so I held back out of respect for him. The boys are now 16 and 20 and we have still not officially told them. The thought is one more year and my youngest will be done high school and then we can make the adjustments. Although I think they know. My ex sleeps on the den couch. I am 100% open and honest with both my ex and my gf. There are no secrets, I’m not sneaking around, I’m not hiding them from each other. That was partly why I didn’t see it as a big issue, and in fact thought it would even be reassuring if she met him because then it’s obvious I have nothing to hide.

As for my gf, you’re absolutely right. It’s funny when we write things for others that we maybe see them a bit differently ourselves. She has immaturity and rage issues, is very emotionally unregulated and needy. She hid it a lot but it seeped out more and more as the relationship went on. So yes, looking back, it seems obvious now that she wouldn’t have been able to handle things. But she did hide it for quite a while. Maybe if I was very focused I could have dug around for the issue, but she never sat me down and said babe, I really can’t do this with your family arrangement any longer. It was always at least somewhat cloaked in a different problem. I look at my post above from even last month and I was convinced it was something else entirely, just spending more time together.

As I read people’s thoughts (and you guys are all amazing), I’m struck by two things. First, this has been a real mismatch. And likely if this situation of meeting my family wasn’t the trigger, there would have been another - work, travel, kids, who knows what. Because I can’t sit cross legged in her living room looking at her dog and never leaving her apartment for the next 20 years because of her emotional issues.

Second, and this is more nefarious, I’m starting to wonder if I was being manipulated all along. I don’t doubt she has real emotional issues, but using that to keep me from ever leaving her apt is very manipulative. Also she was verbally abusive and bullied me A LOT in this latest fight. So she’s capable of a lot more aggression and cruelty than I had imagined. She used references from my past to intentionally inflict harm. It was a real eye opener and I’m wondering if she never really wanted to try to make this work, she was just using me. And I fell for it and twisted myself into a pretzel for her.

May 22

10 minutes ago, CareerGirl2 said:

I don’t doubt she has real emotional issues, but using that to keep me from ever leaving her apt is very manipulative.

Short of locking you in, closing all the shutters and removing your phone, how can she keep you from ever leaving her apartment?

May 22

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Short of locking you in, closing all the shutters and removing your phone, how can she keep you from ever leaving her apartment?

Just guilt basil67. The whole final upset was because I left one day early. It was Iike walking on eggshells really, so I was making concessions to make her happy (or at least less unhappy)

May 22

3 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

We have not told the kids… I wanted to, but he was insistent that we not tell them yet so I held back out of respect for him. The boys are now 16 and 20 and we have still not officially told them. The thought is one more year and my youngest will be done high school and then we can make the adjustments. Although I think they know

Do you mean that your children don't know you and their dad are separated?

May 22

2 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

Just guilt basil67. The whole final upset was because I left one day early. It was Iike walking on eggshells really, so I was making concessions to make her happy (or at least less unhappy)

The final upset was not about this one thing. Rather, it was a culmination of her continually feeling let down by you. She was probably also mad at herself for giving you a second chance. Thing is, the more you let her down, the madder she gets. And on your opening post you do admit that you were absent from the relationship a lot of time.

You seem to have a lack of understanding that a relationship needs time and effort to nurture. Meanwhile there's all her drama and apparently manipulation. So this could never have worked. Even if she was stable, there's no way a person is going to be OK being kept as a secret for the long term.

May 22

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You seem to have a lack of understanding that a relationship needs time and effort to nurture. Meanwhile there's all her drama and apparently manipulation. So this could never have worked.

Thanks Basil67, for all your good and very honest thoughts. I do know a relationship needs effort… but just to be devil’s advocate here, when we started I thought we’d do a couple of dates a week and talk and text the rest of the time. At least for the first months. Remember I have kids and multiple jobs, and she lives two hours away. And when she had that big upset last month, I did put myself on probation and focused on spending much more time with her. We had lots of plans the coming weeks. And when things went south, I immediately said I would go to counselling and was ready to do the work. And I offered a firm timeline to move out and in with her. So maybe some of my ideas were misplaced, but I feel I was very responsive and caring and showed her I was ready for changes.
But she didn’t take me up on any of that. If she really loved me, wouldn’t she have said yes let’s try any of those things? Or even spoken to me instead of just ghosting me? I feel like yes. Common courtesy. And so Im starting to think all her pressures were more about using me as a convenience and less about really wanting a successful relationship with me

May 22

You said you “haven’t seen each other for a couple weeks before that.” Ideally if you’re in a relationship now this is between man and woman but i’ll apply it to yours since it’s common sense you should be dating your partner 2-3x a week. You should’ve been dating her at least once or twice a week since you’re busy. You should’ve been finding time no matter what because relationships are work.

May 22

2 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

If she really loved me, wouldn’t she have said yes let’s try any of those things?

That's not really fair.

She could have easily turned that around on you, and wondered if you really loved her, why would you still be living in the marital home? Why did it take putitng yourself on "probation" before taking initiative ? I am not saying you are totally wrong, to be clear. But I don't think you are in a position to question whether she really loves you when she's had valid concerns about your love for a while.

What I see here are two individuals with their own issues, who really don't belong in a relaitonship together. She sounds needy and demanding and downright rude at times, and you sound far too busy and enmeshed with your ex-husband to offer a relationship to anyone else. I don't really see how this was ever going to work, and it's best that you walk away from each other.

May 22

3 hours ago, Interstellar said:

You said you “haven’t seen each other for a couple weeks before that.” .

Hi Interstellar, she was down with COVID for those two weeks. Before that, 2x a week would have probably been our norm. So it was some bad timing over that period, and it triggered all this stuff. But I do hear you. I wasn’t making her feel needed or wanted enough.

May 22

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's not really fair.

She could have easily turned that around on you, and wondered if you really loved her, why would you still be living in the marital home?

Maybe a bit more explanation here… I wasn’t looking for anyone to date when we first started. We had been casual friends and she knew all about my situation, and she made the first move. It was all very unexpected for me. From the beginning, I was hopeful this was *the one* and excited where it would lead. I was clear on my timeline for moving out, but really hopeful she’d be my long term full time partner. I thought we’d date for a year or so in the meantime and let things develop naturally. She seemed quite on board. But we couldn’t get out of our own way. When it all started to go so badly lately, I offered to accelerate the timeline for moving out. But she wasn’t responsive to that offer. That’s where I’m wondering if this was less “real love” for her, and more convenience. Because there was no effort on her part to really help me resolve these issues. She’d just have her “trip outs” as she’d call them, and then effectively vanish and it was all on me somehow. I guess she didn’t really want it.

My last text to her was asking if she still loved me. She hasn’t responded for two days, maybe never will. I read all these responses and know it’s for the best, the relationship wasn’t going to work out no matter what. I just feel so beaten up by how’s she treated me in the end. Really I’m a good person and was very loving and loyal to her… flowers, poems, always supporting and encouraging, always in touch all through every day, never raised my voice ever. She has money issues so I even loaned her a car for months and paid for it all… yet I still did 90% of the commuting. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but honestly I did try as hard as I could given my other obligations. And it feels so unfair that I’m left with just a bunch of empty accusations and ignored texts after it all.

May 22

13 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

...she never sat me down and said babe, I really can’t do this with your family arrangement any longer.

Yes, this would have been a reasonable and responsible opening for a negotiation. But with the meltdowns, verbal abuse, and unwillingness to accept your offer of couple's counseling or even have a calm discussion, she's demonstrated that her illness has made her incapable of handling the role of a partner on the same side. Villainizing you is not what a partner does; she lapses into becoming your instant adversary.

Quote

...I’m struck by two things. First, this has been a real mismatch. And likely if this situation of meeting my family wasn’t the trigger, there would have been another - work, travel, kids, who knows what. Because I can’t sit cross legged in her living room looking at her dog and never leaving her apartment for the next 20 years because of her emotional issues.

As a reclusive depressive's world shrinks smaller and smaller, so does their tolerance for anyone else's needs. If you enter that world of self-centeredness, you'll find that it's a bottomless pit. Unless you conform to expectations, you become the enemy.

Quote

Second, and this is more nefarious, I’m starting to wonder if I was being manipulated all along. I don’t doubt she has real emotional issues, but using that to keep me from ever leaving her apt is very manipulative. Also she was verbally abusive and bullied me A LOT in this latest fight. So she’s capable of a lot more aggression and cruelty than I had imagined. She used references from my past to intentionally inflict harm. It was a real eye opener and I’m wondering if she never really wanted to try to make this work, she was just using me. And I fell for it and twisted myself into a pretzel for her.

I don't think I'd go so far as to say she used you. She went along to get along for the first 7 months, but once she decided that you were not going to meet her expectations, you were road kill. No discussion, no negotiation, no reasoning.

Unfortunately, this is mental illness. You can't reason with it, you can't argue with it, you can't fix it, and you also can't live with it. I can appreciate your heartache over this ending, but I do hope you will consider carefully why it needs to remain an ending. Just as with any kind of abuser, there are good times with a charming side of them, followed by volatile, often dangerous outbursts whenever they decide to perceive you as The Enemy. Read up on 'cycles of abuse' and learn why this will never change; it will only escalate should you try to stick around. In fact, returning to an abusive person signals tacit permission TO escalate.

You've noticed what's missing from your ex-partner's cycles--no apology, zero acknowledgement of any misunderstandings. Just 'on' or 'off,' and you must reconcile that her 'off' switch is unpredictable, dramatic, and potentially dangerous territory. You owe it to yourself and your children to stay away from this woman. Your kids deserve a mother who values her own safety as much as theirs.

Head high, you can get through this. Write more if it helps.

May 22

Unfortunately this is why it's hard for people without kids to date people with kids. Especially if your kids can't know about her (honestly, why??? it's 2025, and kids especially are not so closed-minded), I don't see this working out long term.

I agree with @Acacia98 that while both of you could have handled things better, at the end of the day it wouldn't have mattered.

Edited May 22 by Els

May 22

15 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

Thanks Basil67, for all your good and very honest thoughts. I do know a relationship needs effort… but just to be devil’s advocate here, when we started I thought we’d do a couple of dates a week and talk and text the rest of the time. At least for the first months. Remember I have kids and multiple jobs, and she lives two hours away. And when she had that big upset last month, I did put myself on probation and focused on spending much more time with her. We had lots of plans the coming weeks. And when things went south, I immediately said I would go to counselling and was ready to do the work. And I offered a firm timeline to move out and in with her. So maybe some of my ideas were misplaced, but I feel I was very responsive and caring and showed her I was ready for changes.
But she didn’t take me up on any of that. If she really loved me, wouldn’t she have said yes let’s try any of those things?

Well no. It sounds to me like she'd already communicated endlessly (granted, yelling is not productive communication.....but it is nonetheless communication) and you were already on your very last chance. I do remember that you have multiple jobs and kids because this is largely a cause of the problem

15 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

Or even spoken to me instead of just ghosting me? I feel like yes. Common courtesy. And so Im starting to think all her pressures were more about using me as a convenience and less about really wanting a successful relationship with me

Now you're being obtuse. Or gaslighting. Or both.

You KNEW you weren't meeting her needs because she SPOKE TO YOU. You KNEW you were on your last chance. You KNEW she'd made some boundaries and was ready to walk away if they weren't met. She might have had a lot of toxic traits, but you are not fooling anyone when you talk about not knowing she was upset

May 23

4 hours ago, basil67 said:Now you're being obtuse. Or gaslighting. Or both.

Hi Basil67, I’m running into lots of accusations lately Please don’t read anything I wrote as me trying to absolve myself of responsibility here. I didn’t take her concerns to heart, I didn’t meet her needs, and I lost my last chance as a result. I promise you my heart is so sore from all of this. And I accept my role in it. She needed a lot more.

But just to clarify, my comment wasn’t meant to suggest that I didn’t know she wanted more, it was to say that she wasn’t willing to help me GIVE her more. Like maybe she could have done some of the driving, or made some of the plans, or agreed to attend a counselling session or two with me. Or… sit down and make a plan with me for our future that works for us both. The failure to make those efforts at any stage in this process is what has made me rethink how much obligation was put onto me alone to make it all work. But also, she saw things through her own viewpoint, and I’ve started to realize that was a whole other issue.

May 23

11 minutes ago, CareerGirl2 said:

Hi Basil67, I’m running into lots of accusations lately Please don’t read anything I wrote as me trying to absolve myself of responsibility here. I didn’t take her concerns to heart, I didn’t meet her needs, and I lost my last chance as a result. I promise you my heart is so sore from all of this. And I accept my role in it. She needed a lot more.

But just to clarify, my comment wasn’t meant to suggest that I didn’t know she wanted more, it was to say that she wasn’t willing to help me GIVE her more. Like maybe she could have done some of the driving, or made some of the plans, or agreed to attend a counselling session or two with me. Or… sit down and make a plan with me for our future that works for us both. The failure to make those efforts at any stage in this process is what has made me rethink how much obligation was put onto me alone to make it all work. But also, she saw things through her own viewpoint, and I’ve started to realize that was a whole other issue.

Yes, she absolutely could have made plans for when you visit. But why would she drive to you if she couldn't stay with you? And why invest in counselling when you were still living with your ex and not out with your family? You weren't in a proper relationship

May 23

11 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

As a reclusive depressive's world shrinks smaller and smaller, so does their tolerance for anyone else's needs. If you enter that world of self-centeredness, you'll find that it's a bottomless pit. Unless you conform to expectations, you become the enemy.

Sanch62, your insight is amazing, honestly. You seem to know so much about this, it’s like you can see right into what I experienced. My therapist also called it a bottomless pit. It was all just never quite enough, and it’s so interesting that fitting into this small world can be so taxing.

11 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I don't think I'd go so far as to say she used you. She went along to get along for the first 7 months, but once she decided that you were not going to meet her expectations, you were road kill. No discussion, no negotiation, no reasoning.

Unfortunately, this is mental illness. You can't reason with it, you can't argue with it, you can't fix it, and you also can't live with it. I can appreciate your heartache over this ending, but I do hope you will consider carefully why it needs to remain an ending.

This might be the best insight I’ve ever had into such a difficult situation. I sure was roadkill very quickly, and that has been very painful. You’re probably right that she wasn’t using me. That thought came from a place of anger and frustration in me. Her emotions are real. I just didn’t understand them and wasn’t equipped to handle them on so many levels.

As I gain a bit of clarity (and a first bit of food and sleep), I’ve started to remember earlier incidents that I gave a pass to, one of which was a very erratic emotional outburst with loads of screaming and crying. She also often referenced “not wanting to exist” and told me a story about once being taken by the police and held overnight in a mental health facility for an outburst (her mother called the police). So now Basil67 can indeed call me obtuse because I still somehow thought everything would just be fine. You know when someone explains things a certain way, and you just give them the benefit of the doubt. And I thought my love would fix it all, and she just needed some support and someone to truly care for her. But these problems run deep. And this perspective about not being able to reason with mental illness, that just brings a whole other level of clarity to these past few days. Thank you Sanch62, you don’t know how incredibly helpful this has been, and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your insight. When this all started, I just was dying to get her back. But I am definitely moving towards the “let it stay an ending” conclusion with every passing hour, for all the good reasons mentioned

May 23

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, she absolutely could have made plans for when you visit. But why would she drive to you if she couldn't stay with you? And why invest in counselling when you were still living with your ex and not out with your family? You weren't in a proper relationship

Sorry, one more fact missing from my story (like how complicated can it possibly get right?) - I have my own condo that I stay in half the time between her place and my family home. I just stay in the family home when I spend time with my boys. But often asked her to come to my condo, but mostly it was all still on me to go to her.

As for counselling, I was hopeful it would bridge the communication gap between us.

May 23

What is the reason you were staying in the family home when you spent time with your children?

Is your condo very far from your ex's house?

May 23

1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

I have my own condo that I stay in half the time between her place and my family home. I just stay in the family home when I spend time with my boys. But often asked her to come to my condo, but mostly it was all still on me to go to her.

Okay, this explains how your separation is a legal and actual separation.

I was a child of divorce, and I was exhausted from packing and unpacking every week to travel between my parents' homes. Forgotten school work, among other stressful things, to always keep track of. This impacted me socially, as I was unable to sign up for activities involving my weekday friends. The only way to maintain some of those bonds was to invite a friend to come with me to my Dad's for whole weekends. But sometimes you want friends in smaller doses and need time with just your family.

Having lived through such difficulties for most of my childhood, I applaud your cooperative efforts with your husband to avoid putting your kids through that. Spending your time with them in their family home rather than carting them off to your condo is the least disruptive way to help them manage their lives.

Given their ages, I can see how your time will open up, eventually, the more your boys grow into their launch. Good job!

May 23

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is the reason you were staying in the family home when you spent time with your children?

Is your condo very far from your ex's house?

I stay in the family home to keep some stability for my boys. With traffic it’s about 2 hours away from my condo (which is downtown in a big city). It seems she expected I would be at my condo much more often and only in the family home occasionally. Especially on weekends which were such a triggering issue for her. But weekends are the best times I have to spend with my kids so really I treat the family home as my home base on weekends. My condo is just a one bedroom so far too small for them anyways.
Her apartment is a good 1.5 hours away from my condo in the other direction Traffic is horrid so the whole thing was just a logistical nightmare overall. I had hoped she would meet me downtown more often but she just wasn’t really up for that.

May 23

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I was a child of divorce, and I was exhausted from packing and unpacking every week to travel between my parents' homes. Forgotten school work, among other stressful things, to always keep track of. This impacted me socially, as I was unable to sign up for activities involving my weekday friends. The only way to maintain some of those bonds was to invite a friend to come with me to my Dad's for whole weekends. But sometimes you want friends in smaller doses and need time with just your family.

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Tbh I hadn’t even thought of some of those practical problems, and that must have been really frustrating especially as it sounds like there was some distance between homes for you (as there is in my case too).

This is segwaying into something entirely different than I was originally asking about, but I can tell you I have questioned whether this has been the best approach b/c of the sorts of chaos it has caused with my gf etc. Sometimes I envied friends who just made the hard clean break and their kids all seemed to adapt fine. But my boys are so happy and healthy and something in my gut has always said that is the most important thing and not to upset the apple cart. So thanks for all that extra perspective, the pain of this whole week has started to subside now and I’m more and more confident in my choices. I can confidently say that this “end” with my gf will indeed stay the end, for many valid reasons. And I’m going to be okay with it, and yes now even a bit relieved

May 23

1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

I stay in the family home to keep some stability for my boys.

Do they know you and their dad are actually separated?

It's not very clear from what you have written. It's also not very clear how much time you spend in the family home versus your own place. What would you say the proprotion is? 50 - 50? 70 - 30? Something else?

1 hour ago, CareerGirl2 said:

With traffic it’s about 2 hours away from my condo (which is downtown in a big city). It seems she expected I would be at my condo much more often and only in the family home occasionally. Especially on weekends which were such a triggering issue for her. But weekends are the best times I have to spend with my kids so really I treat the family home as my home base on weekends. My condo is just a one bedroom so far too small for them anyways

Fair enough, but what is going to change about that? You offered to accelerate the move-out and to move in with her when you thought you were losing her. So, what suddenly changed about the logistics and what happened to wanting to provide stability? That seems to have gone out the window rather quickly when she walked away.

I ask you these things not to attack you, but maybe to get you to reflect on why you are still there so much. Stability and logistics don't really explain it if you were suddenly offering to speed everything up and move in with her. Clearly those were not so insurmountable if you were willing to prioritize living with her.

Are you sure you are really ready to let go of your marriage? It doesn't exactly sound like it. It sounds to me like there's more keeping you there, which I think is exactly what your ex was worried about. I don't mean that you are in love with the ex-H, but rather that you have not really processed the separation and are keeping your foot in the door there because you aren't quite ready to let go, either. Just my two cents.

May 23

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do they know you and their dad are actually separated?

It's not very clear from what you have written. It's also not very clear how much time you spend in the family home versus your own place. What would you say the proprotion is? 50 - 50? 70 - 30? Something else?

Yes the kids know. But I think maybe you have picked up on what many people would see (including my ex-gf) which is that even though their dad and I are separated and live very separate lives, take them on separate vacations etc., we are still a family unit in many ways. There is peace in the house, everyone gets along, my ex-H and I are really good friends, we all spend birthdays, holidays etc. together. That has been great for the boys, but I think can be very threatening to a potential new partner. My time used to be spent 5 days at my condo and 2 at the house, but it's been closer to the opposite the last couple of years as I can work remotely now from anywhere. Since I have been dating my gf, I have been at her place 1-2 nights, at my condo 1-2 nights and the rest of the time at the house.

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Fair enough, but what is going to change about that? You offered to accelerate the move-out and to move in with her when you thought you were losing her. So, what suddenly changed about the logistics and what happened to wanting to provide stability? That seems to have gone out the window rather quickly when she walked away.

Unfortunately nothing changed, and this alternative would have been quite hard on me. I really never got a chance to work out this option, so it's not like I had some perfect plan. Far from it. I had just hoped we could sit and talk about it all, figure out a way it could work well for everyone. In a perfect world, I would be ready to tell the boys about her and integrate her into my family life - but honestly her instability was a concern I wanted to get comfortable with before bringing my kids into the picture. And on her side, I think she was worried that she would move in with me and I would just leave all the time and still go back to the family house (things couldn't have worked that way obviously). So bottom line is I just offered because I loved her and wanted to see if there was a way we could work it out. It would have been a lot more driving, or maybe we would have planned to move together somewhere closer to my kids so I could just do day trips to see them etc. We just never really got that far, because she didn't trust I would ever really make any changes to suit her. I get it on some level.

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Feeling so lost - dumped for being too busy [UPDATE we tried again, but it's over for good]

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