Feeling so lost - dumped for being too busy

[CareerGirl2]

Hi everyone, I am feeling so lost and really need some guidance.

My gf and I have been dating for 9 months (I’m also female). We live a few hours apart, and I have a very busy career (I’m a lawyer and professor) and children from another relationship. So it has been tough for me to find the time to see much of her, especially the last 2-3 months. I spend a lot of time at work and with my kids and of course my ex is present then as well. My kids don’t know I am gay so that is a whole other complication, so my gf and I are not yet “out” to my family as a couple.  Her life is much the opposite - she lives alone, is mostly out, has very little contact with her family and few friends. She also has a very 9-5 job and works from home, so has every night and weekend free. This has led to strife because I am not present enough in the relationship for her and she feels lonely.

She has continually told me she wants to spend more time together, and that I am the best thing to ever happen to her. I know she misses me a lot when we’re apart and I believe she loves me (she says it a lot). I think she wants a future together although she holds a lot inside (although she did tell me once when she changed apartments that she wished we were moving in together). She also pays attention to all the little things - for example she will notice that I haven’t called for three days and we’ve only been texting, whereas I’m so busy that I won’t even notice and am just not keeping track of those kinds of things.

Another important thing - she has a history of depression and anxiety (hence the minimal social life). She says I am the only one that has given her any life at all, and she sometimes talks about how she doesn’t belong, isn’t worthy of me, doesn’t know why I’m even with her “sad ass” etc etc. I’m a very positive person and always just try to cheer her up.

Fast forward to this past weekend, I was away with my son and she was back home alone (as she always emphasizes to me), very withdrawn and sad. I had cancelled a date with her last week because I had the flu, and we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks before that because she was down with a very bad flu and fever. It was disappointing of course, but I understood it was just circumstances. Turns out she was very upset I had stayed away when she was sick and claimed she would have looked after me if the roles were reversed.

She became so withdrawn and I kept trying to pull her out of her shell and get her to talk to me, and finally she snapped and said if I couldn’t take her sadness that I could just “disengage” and do my own thing and leave her alone. The argument escalated and she accused me of not being in the relationship, that I was just “talk talk talk” with all my “I love yous” and “I miss yous” and she got so incredibly angry. She wouldn’t pick up my calls and said it was unreal I hadn’t thought to already call her earlier in the weekend, why did I just wait for a problem to call her. And worst of all, anytime I tried to say this is all a mistake and I loved her, she just kept shutting me down and accusing me of being manipulative. Literally she must have said it to me 20x, and just deflected everything I tried to say with that singular response over and over. 

I begged to call her or see her but she has shut me down. I’m leaving for a vacation for two weeks (what terrible timing) and she says we will take a break and talk when I’m back (btw, I did invite her and she wouldn’t go for financial reasons). In the meantime, she won’t even take a call with me this week. She has completely frozen me out.

I texted her Monday and said I was so very sorry and I acknowledged she deserved more than I have been giving, promised change and said I loved her dearly. She replied that we will talk when I’m back, she is too upset and confused to reply now (but did say she’s not confused about her feelings for me - the one positive).

I am crushed. I really do love her and perhaps I have been neglectful, but I just have such a full life and so many obligations and she really has nothing except me. So it’s just so imbalanced, and she takes my busy schedule so personally. And I know she is also stressed with work and her finances so she has other anxiety causing factors right now as well. But I’m going crazy not speaking to her. 

I haven’t reached out since Monday as I know I need to respect her request for space. But I can’t imagine not speaking for two more weeks (!?). And part of me thinks I just need to try harder to reach out and prove my love because that is where this whole problem started. But then I fear I will drive her further away because she’s very fragile.

Any suggestions would be so helpful! I’m just a mess and can’t even think straight. I feel like a heel for neglecting her and not really seeing this coming, but at the same time I’m just working so hard most of the time and wish she could be understanding. But mostly I want to navigate these next days and weeks properly and not push her over the edge and lose her for good.
 

Thank you in advance! 

[flitzanu]

i know this isn't directly an opinion on advice or actions for you to take, 

but, 

if this is the behavior right now, when you don't live near each other (or live together), how dramatic do you think she's going to be about issues if you DO live together?  

i understand she wants more time with you, i'm personally in a "battle of logistics" with my own gf (but only 30 minutes apart) and sometimes life is life, we get busy, people have kids and responsibilities.  

if you did move in together, is this the tethering behavior she's going to have, like, going passive aggressive about how you "don't love her" just because you want to spend time with your kids, or have to be busy with work?

i'd tread carefully, and i'll tell you, no amount of you trying to convince another person how much you love them is going to work.  that's just ego games at this point for you trying to call and prove how much you care and blah blah.  but on the other hand, i guarantee she will flip out if you stop texting and calling and accuse you of not caring....so this is not a winning, rational "fight" that you're in right now.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, CareerGirl2 said:

This has led to strife because I am not present enough in the relationship for her and she feels lonely. She has continually told me she wants to spend more time together, 

This quote tells me you already knew that the relationship wasn't meeting her needs, so I don't understand why you're shocked that she ended it.  She did the right thing by communicating her needs, but nothing changed and she walked.   Did you think she'd just hang around forever as a secret on the side.... not being part of a your life and family?  

If you want a chance at saving this you're going to have to come out to your family and include her.  Bring her on your holiday.  Cut back your work hours.   But even then, she may well say it's too late and she's over it.   

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like your schedule is full and hers largely empty. No way this was going to work.

No way. No how. You've just been in denial. 

[ShyViolet]

She isn't happy being in a relationship with someone who is super busy all the time and barely has any time to see her.  You are not able to give her the kind of relationship she wants.  This will never work.  If you face that reality sooner rather than later, you will save yourself a lot of drama and anguish.  It sounds like it would be hard for you to let her go, but that is the direction this is headed in whether you are ready to admit that or not.

[Miss Chrysalis]

This is exactly why, when my kids were young, I really, really, really tried to not date people who weren't also parents. They just can't possibly understand unless they've lived it--and that isn't a criticism of them.  It's just a fact.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are really not a match. 

I don't see how this could have ever worked. I'm sorry, OP, but I think you two need to face reality, which is that you aren't suited to each other. 

[Jesper]

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

[Miss Chrysalis]

1 hour ago, Jesper said:

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

Yes! This! 

[Alpacalia]

The root problem isn’t just your busy schedule—it’s that your girlfriend’s entire emotional world seems to revolve around you. That’s unsustainable for both of you.

You can’t be her only source of happiness—that’s a pressure no relationship can withstand long-term.

Love alone isn’t enough when lifestyles and emotional capacities are misaligned. This break might clarify whether you can both adapt to meet each other’s needs—or whether loving each other means letting go.

Hang in there. The pain of this silence is brutal, but it’s also an opportunity for clarity. Sending you strength.

Edited April 22 by Alpacalia

[IrinaM]

On 4/9/2025 at 11:56 AM, CareerGirl2 said:

We live a few hours apart, and I have a very busy career (I’m a lawyer and professor) and children from another relationship. So it has been tough for me to find the time to see much of her, especially the last 2-3 months. I spend a lot of time at work and with my kids and of course my ex is present then as well. My kids don’t know I am gay

I'm sorry but--what made you think you'd be able to meet the relationship needs of anyone else rn? A lawyer, also teaching, with children to care for, and unwilling or unable to share your sexual orientation with your family.

Frankly relationships needs time and energy to grow. You don't have any. Why are you trying to take on new commitments?

[Miss Chrysalis]

49 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

I'm sorry but--what made you think you'd be able to meet the relationship needs of anyone else rn? A lawyer, also teaching, with children to care for, and unwilling or unable to share your sexual orientation with your family.

Frankly relationships needs time and energy to grow. You don't have any. Why are you trying to take on new commitments?

Decent point, but I do think it's possible to find a lid for that busy pot too :).  

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Jesper said:

I also have a very full life, and am very happy/satisfied with myself and my life outside of a relationship, so reading this makes me cringe. Taking any judgment or personal stuff out of it, I read this as one person who is a fully realized individual and a relationship/SO is a bonus and one person has a lot of issues they are still working through/still figuring out who they are/how to be content/happy and so a relationship/SO is defining for them and the mismatch there is very difficult to overcome.

I agree.  Not being ready to come out certainly brings it's burden of issues which they still need to work through, and isn't conducive to a solid relationship.   For the person who's confident in their sexuality, being excluded from family would be like dating baby lesbian

[Miss Chrysalis]

Just now, basil67 said:

I agree.  Not being ready to come out certainly brings it's burden of issues which they still need to work through, and isn't conducive to a solid relationship.   For the person who's confident in their sexuality, being excluded from family would be like dating baby lesbian

Maybe OP isn't quite sure about her sexuality, which of course is a whole 'nother issue.  

[IrinaM]

3 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I do think it's possible to find a lid for that busy pot too :).  

it would be helpful if OP returned and outline approximately how much time they have spent together in person over the last nine months. Her post mostly described a bunch of texting.

 

On 4/9/2025 at 11:56 AM, CareerGirl2 said:

he became so withdrawn and I kept trying to pull her out of her shell and get her to talk to me, and finally she snapped and said if I couldn’t take her sadness that I could just “disengage” and do my own thing and leave her alone. The argument escalated and she accused me of not being in the relationship, that I was just “talk talk talk” with all my “I love yous” and “I miss yous” and she got so incredibly angry. She wouldn’t pick up my calls and said it was unreal I hadn’t thought to already call her earlier in the weekend, why did I just wait for a problem to call her. And worst of all, anytime I tried to say this is all a mistake and I loved her, she just kept shutting me down and accusing me of being manipulative. Literally she must have said it to me 20x, and just deflected everything I tried to say with that singular response over and over.

OP this is odd to me. Why were you trying to have this convo over text in the first place? it reads like it wasn't truly a relationship, more that you enjoyed having someone outside your world you can text and fantasize about, maybe because you're under a lot of pressure all the time. This almost sounds like one of the relationships I had over myspace a long time ago lol, it was an escape and a fantasy, someone I could share "the real me" with, because I didn't feel I could really be myself in my daily life.