WifeMayBLesbian Posted April 7 Posted April 7 (edited) I have a situation that I'm looking for some advice on. Going to preface this with a "please don't judge" disclaimer regarding my relationship - this is absolutely not something I ever expected to happen. I'm divorced 43 male. My girlfriend is someone I've known for some years now as a co-worker/friend. She's quite a bit younger than me - 26. She was flirtatious with me when she knew I was nearing the finalization of my divorce, and after giving me some time to get myself together after the divorce, she made another pass and I was receptive. Again, don't judge - age is a number and all that. Last time I posted here was years back, dealing with my now ex wife who was indeed repressing her homosexuality for her entire life (good advice was given here back then). Here's the story and current situation - my girlfriend is from the Philippines and moved here to the US about 7 years ago, joining her family that was already here. Apparently, while she was in the Philippines she had a boyfriend that is still very bitter all these years later. We started dating recently but have been close for some time. It's to the point where it's beyond just dating and we do consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It's moving at the speed of an older adult, post-divorce relationship (i.e. she's already spending nights with me at my place, has toiletries/clothes/belongings at my place, etc). It became serious somewhat quickly. That said, we're also still co-workers. The other night I was working, and I had Google video search open in one tab, LinkedIn in another (both for work purposes). I was tired and not paying attention, and i googled her instead of going to search for her page on LinkedIn. The first item that popped up was a video that no one would want to see their SO be attached to (unless they were in "the business"). I was perplexed to see her full name (she has a very unique name that I will not share here) as the title of the video, and although her face was partly obscured by her hair in the thumbnail it was absolutely her beautiful face that I recognized. It had an index date of 48 hours ago. I clicked it. Oy. So... Long story short, it looks like in the past she and her ex recorded some very explicit videos together. It was clearly old, not recent - definitely before she moved here as the hairstyle she had in the video was what she had just before she moved to the US. Now, this ex has put them up on a Philippine-based adult/porn site directly under her name. I was upset, mad, kind of heartbroken and disappointed. None of it directed at her. Even though I'm more of a conservative guy, I'm also pretty liberal in my attitude toward sex. I know people do these things and it is what it is. And when people do these things, they have a tendency to come back when you don't really want them to. So, the "upset, mad, kind of heartbroken and disappointed" was not directed at her. At all. I know she's a victim in this. She did something young people do. I don't blame her for it. I'm upset to see it, disappointed it's out there on the internet attached to her name, mad that someone has done this to her, and just upset about the whole thing. Asking advice - what's the discourse here? I don't intend to "confront" her about it and she's never mentioned anything about doing something like this. But, do I bring it up? Talk to her about it? Tell her someone is doing something terrible in her name online? Do we have options? I don't know international law when it comes to "revenge porn" or if it even is punishable in the Philippines. Might not even be worth the battle, especially if she would have to travel there for any sort of court/legal proceedings. I have a feeling she might be terribly embarrassed and devastated if I tell her what I've seen, so I'm debating whether or not to even bring it up. The thing is, this person is clearly doing this to hurt her, and I sure as Hell will not stand for it. If something can be done I intend to do so. Edited April 7 by WifeMayBLesbian adding context, correcting grammar 1
basil67 Posted April 7 Posted April 7 I'm so sorry this has happened to your girlfriend. As hurtful as it is, girlfriend should know about this - imagine if someone else found it and told her then she discovered you knew and didn't say anything! If she wants to take steps to remove it, she would have to contact Philippine based police or support services as they would know the local laws.
Interstellar Posted April 7 Posted April 7 I wouldn’t tell her yet. Try asking the Philippines reddit forum as well.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7 Posted April 7 I would absolutely make her aware that such videos have been made public. I would be furious if I discovered my boyfriend knew about something like this and didn't tell me. She has the right to know her most private moments are out there. What she chooses to do with that will be up to her.
BreakOnThrough Posted April 7 Posted April 7 She probably already knows, she has a job, anyone at work or anyone else she knows can google her. You tell me you'd be the first to do that?
Els Posted April 7 Posted April 7 13 hours ago, WifeMayBLesbian said: don't know international law when it comes to "revenge porn" or if it even is punishable in the Philippines. You can ask, but in most of Southeast Asia it's incredibly difficult to get authorities to do anything about sexual assault and sexual harassment towards women. Even with full-on rape it's difficult to press charges, unless there was proof of violence. Let alone something like revenge porn. If it's on a big site like Pornhub, she could file a complaint to the site management to get it taken down, but if it's on a smaller or piracy-based site I'd say just forget it.
ShyViolet Posted April 7 Posted April 7 She might not even be aware that it's up, and you absolutely should tell her about this. It would be a huge jerk move not to let her know about this. Whether she can do anything about it is another question, but she has the right to know if there's something out there about her that could cause problems. It's not your job to figure out the legalities and whether there's any recourse, but as someone who supposedly cares about her you should at the very least tell her about it.
smackie9 Posted April 8 Posted April 8 Boomer here: IMO you need to mind your own business. It's in the past, there is nothing you or her can do about it. There is no benefit, nothing to gain from bringing it up. Life is too short to waste time of things you have no control over. It is what it is. The relationship is great, so why ruin it. Just carry on caring and loving her.
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