jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I'm curious what other women and men think. Let's say you're a woman in your 30's and you want to have kids. How long should you wait for your boyfriend to propose, assuming that you're not even sure that's where he wants things to head? How long before you give up, given that you're on limited time?
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 if you've been with him over a year and you don't know where it's going, it's probably time to find out and move on if it's not going toward marriage.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Two years is the recommended time frame if both parties are serious. So you date for two yrs and then get engaged and married within a year of engagment. So, a total of three yrs from time of 1st date to marriage. This is the ideal timeframe according to many experts give or take a few months. Personally, marriage is not for me so I don't care.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 just do the math. you are in your thirties. the odds on having healthy kids and pregnancies go down significantly after age 36. if you spent 2 years on a relationship before getting engaged, that would allow you only 2 or 3 relationship tries before you are too old for a family in the healthiest sense. and that is assuming you can find a new prospect right after the last breakup, which is very unlikely. you need to start screening your dates now to see if they are even interested in marriage, should they find the right person, before you start dating them on a regular basis and getting emotionally invested.
Darkwall Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 marry only the one you feel you can't live without! By now being in your 30's you probably have a good ideal of "who you are" and what your needs are. Having said that... their shouldn't be any rules as to how long you "should" date someone before accepting their proposal. As long as you both know what your needs are in a relationship and if whether or not you share the same goals for the future... that should be enough time. Even if you are on the same page no one knows what the future holds. I believe all marriages are taking a chance in that you don't know how the relationship will hold up as you change as people thoughout life and marriage. Its a risk if you only dated a year or five years. As long as you're sure about your feelings. Also, knowing each other at least a year of time together you've gotton to know him on different levels. Most importantly, before accepting a proposal you should both know if you share the same views on different things such as: a family life, or adoption. GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER WELL ENOUGH BEFORE MAKING A MOVE.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 just do the math. you are in your thirties. the odds on having healthy kids and pregnancies go down significantly after age 36. if you spent 2 years on a relationship before getting engaged, that would allow you only 2 or 3 relationship tries before you are too old for a family in the healthiest sense. and that is assuming you can find a new prospect right after the last breakup, which is very unlikely. you need to start screening your dates now to see if they are even interested in marriage, should they find the right person, before you start dating them on a regular basis and getting emotionally invested. Too late. At 8+ months, I'm already pretty emotionally invested. I guess I'm just wondering how long is long enough, or too long, to wait. Personally, I don't need a lot of time to figure out if I want to commit...six months is enough time...., but men are a whole different story....they don't have a biological clock to worry about.
l2hvn Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 personally, anywhere between 1-2 years should be a good time frame. it's enough time to really know somebody and figure out if both people are on the same page as far as taking it to the next level. beyond 2 years and still no commitment, i think it's time to go bye-bye.
grace2005 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I'd say date for 2 years at the minimum before getting married. It's best to date for 2 seasons at least. Date longer if you want. The thing is marriage has to involve 2 people who are willing to do it not just one. There's no guarantee you'll find someone who is willing to make that commitment. You can't put a gun to a man's head and force him to propose. Kind of a catch 22. If you dump the guy because he hasn't proposed to you then there's a risk you may still be single up until ripe old age if you can't find another man who is willing. If you stay with him there is a risk you'll waste your time too because he may never commit. It's a gamble no matter which route you take.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Personally, I don't need a lot of time to figure out if I want to commit...six months is enough time...., but men are a whole different story....they don't have a biological clock to worry about. Many women will decrease their standards a notch or two when they are ready to get married. The men who have a lot going for them (such as me ) tend to be less into commitment because they know that they can get other women easily. The men who have less to offer (but are still acceptable) tend to be more amenable to commitment and subsequent marriage. So, J_J_HB, you should focus your resources in finding a decent guy who may not be the best looking or the most successful. A man such as him will most likely be more willing to marry within your timeframe.
grace2005 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If you are thinking of giving him an ultimatium that will likely backfire on you. He may either give in out of fear of losing you and then build up resentment towards you and want a divorce 10 years later. Anybody can go through the motions of a wedding ceremony and have it set in their mind to get divorced later on. Either way he would have strung you along even if he gives into the ultimatium. The other possibility through giving the ultimatium is that he'll walk away. You have to be willing to risk it all if you take the ultimatium route.
grace2005 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If you are thinking of giving him an ultimatium that will likely backfire on you. He may either give in out of fear of losing you and then build up resentment towards you and want a divorce 10 years later. Anybody can go through the motions of a wedding ceremony and have it set in their mind to get divorced later on. Either way he would have strung you along even if he gives into the ultimatium. The other possibility through giving the ultimatium is that he'll walk away. You have to be willing to risk it all if you take the ultimatium route.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 I'd be interested to know what people think of the advice Dr. Tracy gives in this advice column. It's the third one down. I thought it was rather interesting, and almost contrary to what is the common thinking on commitment. But maybe she's onto something.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 eventually you may need to do that, but i think its better to take the approach of telling him you've really enjoyed your time with him, asking if he sees himself ever getting married, if he says yes, asking if he could see himself ever being married to you. if he says yes, asking when he think he might be ready to make a decision or take that step. if he's not seeing you as his wife or if the timing is more than 2 years down the road, just thank him for the great times together and say you need to start dating other men now and that while you'll always think of him fondly, it's better not to be in contact now. don't agree to be friends right away and call each other up. you need time to get him out of your system so you can find someone else who's interested in marriage. sometimes the guy misses the woman so much he'll call her back after a few weeks or months and ask her to marry him, and i know of one such case personally. i think this approach is healthier than pressuring him.
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