FromtheTrees Posted April 6 Posted April 6 I told my partner that I realized the majority of the sexual experiences in my life have been non-consensual… where because of my childhood sexual abuse I just felt I had to go along with what the other person wanted… including many times in our relationship. I said that I don’t want to have sex unless I definitely want to anymore. They are Hypersexual and their response was just “I guess we’re done then.” I just felt like WTF… I get that they are very sexual and want more sex in general (they would have it every day if possible whereas when things were good I want it maybe 1-2 times a week) but it feels very unfair to respond that way to someone saying hey I’ve had a lot of sex I didn’t want to have and I want to start listening to my body more and have sex when I feel actually up for it... We’ve been together for a long time and have our challenges but that just felt very insensitive. I guess I just needed to write that down… I don’t know what I’m looking for here but am I wrong that that is a bit of a s*** response or am I just being overly sensitive?
BaileyB Posted April 6 Posted April 6 (edited) 15 minutes ago, FromtheTrees said: I said that I don’t want to have sex unless I definitely want to anymore. I don’t think what you requested is unreasonable. I can honestly say, the sex is always consensual in my marriage - if one person is not in the mood for whatever the reason, it does not happen. I’m sorry that your wishes have not always been respected. Given your past history, the response from your partner was insensitive at best, much more hurtful at worst. Edited April 6 by BaileyB 3
Els Posted April 6 Posted April 6 (edited) 1 hour ago, FromtheTrees said: I said that I don’t want to have sex unless I definitely want to anymore. They are Hypersexual and their response was just “I guess we’re done then.” I just felt like WTF… Am I wrong that that is a bit of a s*** response or am I just being overly sensitive? It's not a bit of a s*** response. It's an absolutely terrible response that demonstrates that the person you are with doesn't care about your consent or well-being in the slightest, and it should frankly be a dealbreaker. I'm married to my partner of 16 years. I've never felt pressured to have sex when I didn't want to, and I wouldn't stay with a person who tried to pull that sort of thing on me. The same goes for my husband, by the way - over the years there have definitely been times when he wasn't up for it. I just do what any reasonable person does when that happens (and by this I mean masturbate, not tell him "I guess we're done then"!!). There's been a sex ed campaign towards young people where I live, and the catch phrase in those ads is "only 100% is consent". I thought it was a bit redundant, at first, but clearly some people (like your partner) would have benefited from an education in that regard. Anyway, I really think you need to have a good long think about your relationship with this person, and possibly a good long talk about it with your therapist. It sounds to me like your trauma might be leading you towards people like your partner, because this sort of behaviour is familiar to you, and for many of us familiarity is comforting. I'm not a therapist, but this definitely happens for many people, and the first step towards breaking this pattern is recognizing it. All the best. Edited April 6 by Els 3
BaileyB Posted April 7 Posted April 7 (edited) 7 hours ago, Els said: The same goes for my husband, by the way - over the years there have definitely been times when he wasn't up for it. I just do what any reasonable person does when that happens (and by this I mean masturbate, not tell him "I guess we're done then"!!). Yup! If it’s the other way around, I usually get a text… but that’s not usually what he is doing… he is usually soon after. I agree that it would be worth discussing with a therapist given the trauma you have experienced in the past. You may be choosing relationships that repeat similar patterns. It is important for all of us to notice these patterns of behaviour if we want to break them. I would also be having a very hard discussion with my partner and thinking about the future of the relationship if my partner ever gave me an ultimatum like this… To be clear, you don’t even have to offer a reason - No means No and that needs to be respected. If it’s not, that’s a problem. Edited April 7 by BaileyB 2
giotto Posted April 8 Posted April 8 (edited) Not sure how long you've been with your partner, but I'm not sure why you married without trying to solve your trauma first and why you didn't tell him sooner? That said, it is a very depressing answer, but I think I get it. If he is a very sexual person, once a week would be a problem already for him and you are basically telling him sex will be happening even less. Hence his crappy reaction. You need some therapy to get clarity. Edited April 8 by giotto
Author FromtheTrees Posted April 8 Author Posted April 8 I didn’t realize I had the trauma to this degree until recently. Sometimes trauma sneaks up on you. Especially when it happens as a child and you compensate/adapt without realizing it. 1
Els Posted April 9 Posted April 9 5 hours ago, FromtheTrees said: Especially when it happens as a child Oh, that's heartbreaking. I hope you're able to get the help that you need to work through this. You need to ditch the coercive partner before you can make any progress, though. They are only going to hold you back, because they clearly only care about themselves.
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