Husband cheated after 23 years together

[Janine1984]

3 months ago I '40F' discovered by accident that my husband '42M' has been having an affair with a woman at work who is 16 years younger '26F' than him (he is a member of staff at a university and she is a PhD student). For the whole of 2024, they were texting, sending inappropriate messages, meeting for hugs, going on staff nights out together, and she was sending my husband inappropriate photos. Then, at the Christmas night out, after holding hands all night and feeling her thigh under the table, he went home with her and they got in her bed where they kissed passionately, he used his hand to pleasure her and he then performed oral sex on her. A week later, he met her again at work and kissed her again. 

I am in a complete state of shock and I'm so depressed and absolutely devastated. We have been together for 23 years, since I was 17. He's been my only ever partner, he was my first boyfriend, the only person I've ever kissed or even held hands with. We have a 6 year old child together.

Before I knew all the details, I discovered the affair by accident when he passed me his phone to make a food order and messages from her came up. After a huge row, he agreed I could read the messages and it was clear something sexual had been going on. He initially tried to deny it but then admitted he liked this woman and they had been messaging. He then just left the house with no explanation and went to stay with his parents. He later told me on the phone that he was leaving me and didn't love me anymore. He then came back to take the rest of his things and was so cold towards me. He said he didn't feel anything for me, he hadn't been happy for a long time, he didn't find me attractive, and he didn't enjoy being a father. I begged him to stay and work at our marriage (we had been happy) but he pushed me away and left.

Over the coming weeks, from begging my husband for the truth and also messaging the woman (I took her number from his phone), I initially discovered they had kissed and he had used his hand to pleasure her. I was very much being drip fed the details. He was also angry I'd messaged the woman and told me I'd "scuppered his chances" by messaging her.

A week or so later, he then started to ask to come back, saying he missed us and regretted everything. He seemed very sorry so after a lot of talking, I allowed him to come home in order for us to try, and we started counselling. It was going quite well but then it came out that he'd given her oral sex and had also been lying to friends to portray that our marriage wasn't good, when that wasn't the case. After that, I never felt the same and things then just got worse between us and because I was so upset, he started to get very angry, shouting at me, breaking things and getting physical a couple of times (which he had never done before and he said it's because he's so upset he can't fix this mess). 

He has ended all contact with the woman, he has sent her a very firm message and blocked her, he is attending both individual and marriage counselling, he has confessed to his parents and 3 closest friends about his behaviour (cheating and being physical), he has owned up to his friends about lying about our marriage, he has told his manager and they've put things in place so they don't see eachother at work, he is on antidepressants, he is remorseful, he will talk to me about it for hours and will answer my questions, and he is so stressed that he is losing his hair.

I'm so heartbroken and have been having suicidal thoughts, and I'm now on medication for majority depression. I feel so hurt and angry that he's destroyed our lives and that he has upset our little girl so much. 

He's never done anything like this before and it is completely out of character for him. I have a 23 year relationship with him and a child, so though of being without him, a divorce and selling our house etc is very daunting. But equally the thought of standing by him after what he's done feels so hurtful and upsetting. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation before? Or can anyone give their opinion on this situation?

He says that when he was in bed with her, he remained fully clothed and she didn't touch him once. I know for a fact he didn't have sex with her (I saw his Google history and he'd goodled "cheated on wife but didn't have sex"). He says she didn't touch him at all which I doubted at first but then it came out that she wasn't that interested and only enjoyed the attention (she has borderline personality disorder), which could make the part about her not touching him true. I'm not sure.

Edited April 6 by Janine1984
Spelling mistake

[glows]

He told you he doesn’t love you or feel the same way about you and he doesn’t like being a father. Those are far more damaging than whether these two had sex or not. I know the details are just incredibly unsettling at this time and it’s hard to make sense of things. Please focus on whether you think there’s a future with this man. As painful as it is I’d be looking hard at the marriage and probably thanking this woman for her service. She unwittingly disrobed your husband and displayed a naked cheat in order for you to get your life back on track and call a lawyer. 

[Janine1984]

3 hours ago, glows said:

He told you he doesn’t love you or feel the same way about you and he doesn’t like being a father. Those are far more damaging than whether these two had sex or not. I know the details are just incredibly unsettling at this time and it’s hard to make sense of things. Please focus on whether you think there’s a future with this man. As painful as it is I’d be looking hard at the marriage and probably thanking this woman for her service. She unwittingly disrobed your husband and displayed a naked cheat in order for you to get your life back on track and call a lawyer. 

Thank you for your reply. Regarding his comments about not loving me, not enjoying being a father etc., I am extremely upset about it. He said afterwards that he didn't mean those things and only said them because he knew at the time that I didn't know he had done anything sexual with the woman and he knew I'd be devastated, so he chose to say really hurtful things so that he could leave and he wouldn't have to tell me he'd been unfaithful. I don't know what's true and I personally feel that at the time, he did mean it, and he intended on being in a relationship with the woman. It's awful isn't it. Thank you for you advice x

[SurfCity]

Can you support yourself? Are you a stay at home mom?

It looks like he chose her, she rejected him, and after that he came back to you. I know that's painful to think about, but it's the hard reality that you're facing. Also saying that he doesn't like being a father and doesn't love you anymore...I'm not sure there's any amount of counseling to get past that. 

Maybe take some time to yourself. Can you go to your parents for awhile? Get some time and space to yourself to think and heal? 

[Janine1984]

26 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Can you support yourself? Are you a stay at home mom?

It looks like he chose her, she rejected him, and after that he came back to you. I know that's painful to think about, but it's the hard reality that you're facing. Also saying that he doesn't like being a father and doesn't love you anymore...I'm not sure there's any amount of counseling to get past that. 

Maybe take some time to yourself. Can you go to your parents for awhile? Get some time and space to yourself to think and heal? 

Thank you for your reply. I was working 2 part time jobs but when I found out about his cheating, I had to quit my main one due to depression (I was working in a primary school and couldn't face going in and trying to be happy around the children). I'm now just working from home doing admin for a few hours, so I'm now financially dependent on him until I'm well enough to find another job. Because my mental health is so bad, I can't face that at the moment.

I will definitely try to get some space away from him. It's just so hard because of how depressed I feel, as I'm finding doing anything very difficult, so at the moment he's here helping with the house, looking after our child etc.

It's an awful situation.

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, what a slap in the face. Sounds to me like he's having a mid-life crisis, chasing after a younger woman, behaving like an ass-clown to you, and generally making a massive fool of himself.  What he did or didn't do with Ms PHD is irrelevant, he's been unfaithful, he's lied, he's been sneaking and conniving behind your back, he's insulted you and his child and then made idiotic excuses for his spiteful words. What a guy. You maybe need to think about whether you'll be able to move past it and save the marriage, or if you'll never be able to get his brutal comments out of your head. Ending it is obviously made much more difficult when there's children involved, and also the length of your relationship makes upheaval far more scary. Perhaps you should quietly go and see a family lawyer and find out what's what, just so you know where you stand legally, and maybe a couple of sessions with a counselor would be beneficial to give you someone to vent some feelings to.  Years ago something very similar happened to a close girlfriend of mine when her 10-years younger, long-term partner momentarily ran off with a much younger woman who was an exotic-looking Indian student. It lasted about four weeks and then he was back, dismissing the student as "too immature', (yep, he really said that 😂). My girlfriend took him back and their relationship lasted another ten years. If the subject ever comes up she always says, "I should never have taken him back after the Indian student episode. If I hadn't I would probably have met someone else". She never really forgave him. 

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, Janine1984 said:

It's an awful situation

It really is an awful situation. I hope that you can clear your mind to make the right decision for you. Focus on yourself right now. Maybe see a doctor about the depression. It will get better, please remember that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is horrible, OP. 

I don't see how your marriage will survive this. He's done far too much damage, what with the cheating and the abuse. And even if you stay, I can see another affair in his future. He's just so checked out that I don't think there's a way back. Sure, he might cry and get counselling now. But my money is on a repeat in the future, once this terrible dust has settled. 

Please take care of yourself. This man isn't going to. 

[BaileyB]

I can’t imagine how hard it is to imagine a life without the person you have been with since you were a teen - your only partner and the father of your child. But, this recently happened to a friend of mine. He cheated once - she stayed. He cheated again and left her. Devastating, but she has gathered the support of family and friends and she has emerged on the other side stronger and happier than she says that she has been for a very, very long time. She has now found another relationship and she is doing great! 
 

14 hours ago, Janine1984 said:

He was also angry I'd messaged the woman and told me I'd "scuppered his chances" by messaging her.

I think this would have been the moment I knew that I needed to file for divorce. I don’t know that I could ever trust him again. 

[glows]

I’d contact a lawyer in private and discuss options. 

It doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you. One way I knew it was over in my marriage was realizing I didn’t see this person the same way anymore and I didn’t see a future there. Feeling torn and conflicted is part of it but when it comes down to the bare bones, can you see yourself trusting him again and see him not doing this again or seeing this other woman or other women again? If the answer is no and you’re looking for a more faithful and trusting relationship this is not it. Mind you the love and care still remains for a long long time for some. It doesn’t change the outcome however. 

[BreakOnThrough]

He wasn't upfront with you about anything, there was no communication about his issues, just the aftermath of what occurred.  THAT'S what ultimately kills the relationship, the acts themselves are a symptom of his inability to be upfront and honest with you.  Sorry it took so long and for something this drastic to occur to show, but I assure you that will NEVER change, it's there for good, realize this and move forward accordingly.

Edited April 8 by BreakOnThrough

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I think your husband only came back to you after he found out this young woman didn't feel the same way about him as he does for her.  Do you really want a man who only chose you because his choice didn't want him?  He said some awful things to you.

On 4/6/2025 at 2:37 AM, Janine1984 said:

I am extremely upset about it. He said afterwards that he didn't mean those things and only said them because he knew at the time that I didn't know he had done anything sexual with the woman and he knew I'd be devastated, so he chose to say really hurtful things so that he could leave and he wouldn't have to tell me he'd been unfaithful.

His excuse for saying those things to you don't make sense nor do they hold water.  He never had to tell you he was unfaithful if he didn't want to.  He said those horrible things because he meant them and then when things didn't work out for them the way he hoped they would he's now tucking his tail and lying to get back in the house.  He isn't the first older man who has been made to look like a fool to a younger woman.  I would get a full time job if I were you so you to protect myself and talk to an attorney.